DONALD TRUMP’S REAL NAME REVEALED TO BE HARKONNEN

NEW YORK  – In a real twist to the race for president, it has been revealed that New York business tycoon and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s real name is actually Cletus Harkonnen.

The story was first broken by blogger Max Oxworth (click HERE for that story) who noted certain similarities between Trump and the Harkonnen family, but what was initially read as slightly nerdy satire has now been confirmed as FACT by the Studio Exec. Speaking to a close associate of the Trump family the anonymous source stated:

The fact is that Donald Trump’s family like everyone else except the remnants of the First Nations, comes from immigrant stock. Sometime in the early twentieth century a branch of House Harkonnen came to America from their home planet of Giedi Prime. They had substantial resources and from there was born the property portfoloio which would lie at the heart of the Trump fortune. Some dabbling in Spice as a commodity led to some bad losses and it was around this time that Junty Harkonnen (Donald Trump’s father) changed the family name to Trump, even though his son had already been born and named as Cletus Harkonnen.

Donald Trump’s older brother Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban refused the family name change however and is currently at large in Los Angeles having broken out of a federal prison where he was being held in perpetuity for various heinous crimes.

It is however still unclear how much, if at all, these revelations will hurt the Trump campaign. Political analyst Xavier Poulis commented today in French Cultural magazine Chapeau:

A large number of angry white men see the Harkonnen legacy of unbridled power, disturbing skin disease and sadistic violence not as negative points but as genuine reasons to vote Trump. How far Trump’s policy will be influenced by his family’s influence is yet to be seen, but it should be noted that all of Trump’s employees and campaign staff have been fitted with heart plugs.

For more on Donald Trump CLICK HERE.

 

ROB SCHNEIDER’S DUNE: REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Charting the unsuccessful attempt by Deuce Bigalow ‘comedian’ Rob Schneider to make a movie of Frank Herbert’s classic Science Fiction novel, Schneider’s Dune is a thoughtful documentary about an almost masterpiece, an epic and what could have been ‘the best Science Fiction film never made’ (The New York Times).

Often praised by peers as a visionary consistently let down by inferior material, Schneider has also been a lifelong fan of Science Fiction. Throughout the Eighties, the young comedian wrote script after script based on Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series. When those attempts came to naught and emboldened by his growing success on Saturday Night Live, Schneider turned his attention to the massive 1963 Frank Herbert novel which had previously been made into a film by David Lynch in 1984. Schneider says:

I always felt that the Lynch film had got some major aspects of the book wrong. In a way that film is great as a Lynchian play with the future, but it just doesn’t sustain the sweep of the story and I had a feeling I could do it. 

Casting himself as Paul Atreides, Schneider wrote a script and prepared to direct. George Lucas – a fan of the book and Schneider’s Tiny Elvis – was on board as a consultant and producer, but the two ultimately fell out over a comic character Lucas wanted to introduce into the film, who would later become Jar Jar Binks. ‘This is the one time in comedy history when Rob actually had more taste,’ jokes collaborator John Milius.

Jonathan Demme‘s documentary is an entertaining portrait of a period as well as of the non-making of an almost classic. Talking head interviews with all the principles – except for Meg Ryan who pulled out of the project at a late stage for undisclosed reasons – are enlightening though there is the rosy hue of nostalgia distorting some of the harder economic realities. And despite Schneider’s presence there are moments of genuine comedy such as the casting reel, which shows Robert Downey Jr and James Caan struggling to get into their roles, Duke Leto and the Beast respectively. 

Ultimately, heavy drug use and a spiraling budget doomed the project, but its influence can still be seen in such far flung regions of the galaxy as Paul Blart Mall Cop and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

To read more Reviews CLICK HERE.  

THE BEAST RABBAN APPREHENDED

HOLLYWOOD – The Beast Rabban has been taken into custody following a nationwide manhunt that lasted for almost five months.

As reported in January in the Studio Exec (Click Here to read), Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban escaped from the Pelican Bay Maximum Security Correctional Facility in California where he has been serving a life sentence for murder, war crimes and ‘interfering with the flow of the Spice’. An alert was issued and rumor had it that the Beast had left the country possibly to settle in Arrakis or Canada. However, it seems that the Beast had not traveled quite so far and was arrested yesterday afternoon in Hodad’s diner at Ocean Beach in San Diego, where he was completing a world record meal of consuming thirty hamburgers in one sitting.

A spokesperson for the San Diego police department told the Studio Exec:

We got the call that there was an individual fitting the Beat’s description in popular eating place Hodad’s. The man looked exactly as he did in the photographs we had issued. It is baffling that he made absolutely no attempt to disguise or change his appearance. Apparently he had been wandering around the state sampling the food and yet we had no sightings of him or reports until this one came in. It appears that people were simply too intimidated by him to risk calling the police.

Although the police feared a fire fight, the Beast decided to return to his cell peacefully, though he will now be facing further criminal proceedings for his escape. Close friend and musician Sting said that he was saddened to hear that the Beast was once more incarcerated. Speaking to us earlier today, Sting said:

Everyone sees the Beast Rabban as this terrible fiend who murders for pleasure and has the amazing ability of dismembering people with his bare hands, but in reality Glossu is a lovely and sensitive human being. Yes, he drinks a juice made from crushed rodents and yes, he does kill and maim many, many people, but can a man who states that his favorite song is An Englishman in New York be all bad? I put it to you he simply cannot.

The Beast Rabban will be out sometime in 2035.

DAVID LYNCH’S NEXT FILM: DUNE MESSIAH

HOLLYWOOD – After bowing out of the Showtime 2016 resurrection of Twin Peaks, David Lynch has confirmed that his next film will be the long-awaited Dune sequel: Dune Messiah.

In 1984, David Lynch’s original Dune was considered a commercial and critical failure but The Elephant Man director had always said he wished to return to Arrakis and film Frank Herbert’s second novel in the saga Dune Messiah. Lynch spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

It’s just one of those things that has been grinding at me for years. I was so attached to the original material that I read all of the Frank Herbert novels, even those towards the end when things really got ridiculous. For years I’ve resisted the idea of  doing sequels although I’ve returned sometimes to Twin Peaks. But with Dune it was different. If someone had given me the budget I would have gone tomorrow.

So what took so long?

The budget, as I said, was always going to be a factor. Filming in Arrakis is really expensive. There’s not just the logistic of having to deal with the Guild, but paying of the Fremen costs a lot as well. But we’ve managed to raise the money and Kyle Maclachlan has agreed to come on board and repeat his role as Paul – Maud’Dib – Atreides. So I’m really excited.

I know David, you seem really excited.

But?

But when we spoke about Twin Peaks you seemed really excited as well.

That was different.

How?

With Dune Messiah we will be shooting on Arrakis which, as I’ve said is an expensive, difficult and might I say dangerous location, but with Twin Peaks we were going to have to shoot in Canada. And I’m just not prepared to do that.

Dune Messiah will be released in 2016. 

KYLE MACLACHLAN STILL UNDECIDED ON TWIN PEAKS

HOLLYWOOD – Actor Kyle MacLachlan – made famous by his portrayal of Agent Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks – is still undecided on whether or not he will return to the show.

‘The  thing is I’m just not sure I can fit it in,’ the Blue Velvet actor told Studio Exec this morning.

I have Paul Verhoeven phoning every day asking me if I’ll reprise my role as Zack Carey in Showgirls 2. Oliver Stone has been harassing me to play Ray Manzarek in his follow up to The Doors, After Jim. And the Flintstones franchise looks like it’s still going  to happen and I’d love to play Clifford Vandercave once more. It’s a role that I didn’t really perfect and the opportunity to take another swing at it would be great.

But surely the opportunity to work once more with David Lynch…

Who?

David Lynch.

Oh yes. David and I worked together a few times in the past. Dune was my first break and Blue Velvet was a lot of fun. I’m never sure why we didn’t do a sequel to that. Or The Hidden. That was nasty in a good way.

But I think all your fans really want to see you as Dale Cooper?

Who?

Dale Cooper. They want you to say Damned Fine Coffee. And wax poetic about the pie. 

Really? They don’t want Clifford Vandercave or Zack Carey?

Well, now you mention it. It would be cool to see Zack Carey again.

You see? It’s a toughie!

Showgirls 2 will be released in 2016.

THE BEAST RABBAN ESCAPES

HOLLYWOOD – Police in California have issued an alert for members of the public to practice extreme cautious following the escape last night of Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban from the Pelican Bay Maximum Security Correctional Facility.

The Beast was serving a number of life sentences for murder, war crimes and drug (spice) trafficking, having been arrested in 1984 following the death of his Uncle, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen on the spice planet of Arrakis. He was made famous when David Lynch made a film about his life based on journalist Frank Herbert’s eyewitness account, Dune.

It is believed that the prisoner somehow managed to overpower his guards using brute strength, wrenching arms out of sockets and slapping faces with the wet ends of the torn limbs. Seizing a vehicle, Rabban was last seen on the road out of Crescent City. The vehicle was discovered abandoned a few miles to the South. The police issued a state-wide alert and federal authorities have already arrived on the scene.

The following statement was issued by the authorities:

Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban is a highly dangerous individual who is guilty of strangling his own father along with other murders that run easily into double digits. He is ferocious and mentally unstable, and, again, extremely dangerous. If spotted, report immediately to local law enforcement authorities and under no circumstances approach, or attempt to apprehend.

Count Glossu Rabban has always been a figure of some controversy following the murder of his own family. His governorship of the spice planet Arrakis was widely seen as one of Baron Harkonnen’s riskiest policy decisions. Human rights organisations highlighted abuses, torture and illegal killing on a widespread and systemic scale, but while in control of the spice the UN did very little, other than issue strongly worded statements. It was only with the rise to power of Paul ‘Maud’Dib’ Atreides that Rabban was brought to count for his crimes against humanity. In the fictionalized accounts of the events, Rabban was shown as being executed whereas in reality, following a long appeals process his death sentence was commuted to lifelong imprisonment.

More news as the situation develops.

TWIN PEAKS NEW GENERATION ‘WILL APPEAL TO YOUTH’

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Frost and David Lynch’s cult TV show Twin Peaks is to return to television courtesy of Showtime and a re-imagining which will continue the story through the new younger generation.

David Lynch and co-creator Frost had already taken to Twitter to hint at a renewal of the show which ran for thirty episodes and a spin off movie, Fire Walk With Me, but the Dune director wanted to speak at length and EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve been really into my Transcendental Meditation for ages now. And it has been satisfying, you sit there and become one with the universe more or less, but the downside of it is a. cramps and b. it gets really, really boring. So when Mark called me up and said he had some ideas for a new Twin Peaks I said, ‘let’s do this’.

What will the new show be like?

It’ll be the young kids. I don’t see how anyone can even remember who Kyle MacLachlan is anymore, so I want to go with Dale Cooper’s son, Rodney Cooper, played by Zac Efron. Rodney is called to the town when his dad goes missing and it turns out that the Son of Bob (Freddie Highmore), a mysterious serial killer might be responsible. Of course, the girl with the twig (Selena Gomez) roams the town weirdly as does Donna Hayward’s daughter Marcy (Ariana Grande). There’s going to be a lot more music in this version. I’ve been watching a lot of Glee and I think that will add something to the show, though Mark is a bit resistant.

Will this change of direction effect other aspects of the show?

Yes. Instead of Damn Fine Coffee, Rodney Cooper will say things like hashtag DFC.

Twin Peaks: The New Generation will be broadcast early in the Spring, 2015.  

DAVID LYNCH OPENS A DRIVING SCHOOL

HOLLYWOOD – Times have been hard for David Lynch, director of The Elephant Man, Dune and Blue Velvet.

He lost all his money in the great Transcendental Meditation scam of 2006 and was even reduced to directing a concert movie for eighties revival band Duran Duran, but luckily hope is on the way and the Lynchster (as he prefers to be known) is bouncing back in his own inimtable Eraserhead-ish way by opening a Driving School in Scotland.

The Mulholland Drive Driving School opened for business earlier this week in the city of Glasgow in Scotland, which is north of Great Britain in England. 

When we spoke to Mr. Lynch, he seemed cheerfully keen on his new venture:

I got the idea from watching Breaking Bad. He gets a car wash. And I get a driving school. Of course, I don’t have a meth lab yet, but that’s only a matter of time. 

Customers seemed to be bemused by their unconventional instructor. Tam Holloway (19) said: 

We were practicing my emergency stop and all I can say is I’ve never been so unnerved and unsettled while at the same time effective. 

Sally McParland (21) said:

He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride and I said ‘That’s why I was here’. And he said, ‘why are you here?’ And I said to go for a ride and he said ‘A ride! What a great idea! Let’s hit the effing road!’

Nancy Barstow (41) said: 

He’s very patient. I’m an adult learner and so I get nervous but he’s very relaxed and then somehow when we were doing parallel parking he dipped into my inner most nightmares. Which was nice.

David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive Driving School is open for business Mondays to Saturdays.

‘I AM NOT ANDY KAUFMAN’: IAN MCKELLEN DENIES RUMOR

LONDON – Gandalf, Magneto star and occasional actor, Sir Ian McKellen has angrily denied that he is Andy Kaufman (For the original story click here). ‘For a start I’m about ten years too old,’ yelled the Thespian.

He went on to remark:

I know what you arseholes are up to. You’re just spreading rumors and fake news to get cheap laughs. You’re a bunch of parasitical bum cracks. 

But Ian?

 SIR Ian! You jumped up little turd. I’m a respected f*cking theatre actor, I’ve played Lear, I’ve played Richard the Third, I was in Apt Pupil. I’m not the funny immigrant from Taxi, you twat! 

Keep your hair on, Gandalf.

Oh you want to dance, fart face? Is that what this is? You are in dangerous territory. Already Patrick Stewart was like, let’s just go and stomp their bullshit faces to hummus, let’s just tear them new effluent holes, but I was like we’re respected men of the theatre and the X-Men universe, Patrick, some decorum. He was in Dune, you shit stain! 

Okay, we’re sorry. If you want we’ll print a denial.

The mini-f*cking-mum.  

So you’re not Andy Kaufman?

No. Well… Not legally.

What do you mean ‘legally’?

What? No! The line is breaking up… sorry. I’ll call back. 

The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug will be amongst us Xmas-y.

DAVID LYNCH TO DIRECT SHIA

HOLLYWOOD – Until recently it was Ron Howard’s dream project but a falling out with the studio about budgeting and disagreements on set with lead actor Daniel Day Lewis has led to Ron Howard being replaced by David Lynch as the director of Shia, the biopic based on the life of Shia LaBeouf.

With his interests in transcendental meditation and his new career as a recording artist, many inside Hollywood had given Lynch up as having gone into early retirement. His last film Inland Empire came out in 2006 and divided both critics and audiences. Since then the weirdness himself has been concentrating on promoting his meditation centre and making his hair approximate a question mark. So why the change of heart? Studio Exec asked when we caught up with David at the Chick-Fil-A at Venice Beach.

 

In Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac

‘For Shia,’ Lynch says, tucking into his homophobic bucket. ‘Shia LaBeouf isn’t just a man. Nor is he simply an actor. He’s the universe. He’s talking forwards, talking backwards, the Elephant Man, the dancing dwarf, the lady with the log, Dennis Hopper and Isabella Rosselini. He’s those big willy-looking worms from Dune. He is America. He is the Universe.’

But isn’t he quite young…?

‘He is youth, he is wisdom,’ says Lynch. ‘Shia is an actor who has galvanized a generation, mesmerized a nation, unified the universe. Did you see him in Lawless?’

But what about Daniel Day Lewis?

‘He’ll do,’ smirks Lynch.

For more on the early stages of Shia click here.

Shia will be released in 2015.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER TO APPEAR IN DUNE REMAKE

LONDON – Michael Fassbender has been linked to the Dune reboot currently planned by Len Wiseman.

The announcement came as a surprise as most of the main roles have already been cast, with Jake Gyllenhaal as Paul Atreides, Ian McKellen playing his father, Jonah Hill as the evil Duke and Johnny Knoxville playing the role sting played with the underpants and the hair.

Fassbender was a bit coy when we spoke about it earlier this week.

‘Well to be honest it’s really a bit part,’ said the Guinness advertisement star. ‘I don’t actually have any lines and you won’t necessarily be seeing the whole of me on screen.’

Fassbender’s part


News will come as a special treat though for anyone who enjoyed him in Shame.