CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

DAVID LYNCH CHUCKIE EGG MOVIE GREENLIT

Breaking News – Hot on the tails of the Super Mario Bros movie announcement, it has been confirmed that a David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie is in development. The David Lynch Chuckie Egg movie will be based on the smash hit 80s computer game of the same name. The Exec caught up with Lynch to discuss his new project.

[Cough] David, do you have to smoke in here during the interview?

Yes.

… Ok then. Can You Tell Us What Drew You To Such A Different Kind Of Project?

Well, it’s like this. People know me for making films that don’t necessarily have linear narratives, bourgeois constructs or easy to follow plots, if any. I’m an artist that seeks constant reinvention and stimulus. Therefore I was very stimulated when Paramount drove a truck full of money up to my home and told me to look at their script for Chuckie Egg: The Movie. I thought to myself, ‘David, it’s time for reinvention. Oh, and a new swimming pool. Ya can’t forget the swimming pool.’

So This Isn’t Going To Be A Subversive Take On The Computer Game Movie Genre?

Fuck, no! As I said, I have reinvented myself. I’m gonna be the darling of the studios. You think Ron Howard is a safe, 7/10 kinda director? You aint seen nothing yet. I’m gonna direct this shit by the numbers. I’ve already been on to McDonalds about a Chuckie Egg McMuffin tie in. This will be the blandest movie I ever made.

Is It Live Action Or CGI?

It’s whatever the fuck the producers tell me it’s gonna be. We haven’t had the initial feedback data from the focus groups yet, so we really can’t say at this stage. But I guarantee you this, Mr Chuckie will have his eggs and eat them.

Had You Ever Heard Of Chuckie Egg Before You Read The Script?

Script? Have you seen the script? If you do, then please forward me a copy. I’ve heard it’s great. But to answer your question, no. I never played video games in the 80s. I was too busy making Dune, Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks. What were you doing?

David Lynch’s Chuckie Egg: The Movie Starts Filming In December

VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET NEW HAIRCUT SHOCK

The Timothee Chalamet new haircut has shocked people all around the world. The heartthrob movie star who will next be seen in sci-fi epic, Dune has had a ‘slight trim’ according to reports. The Timothee Chalamet new haircut is due to be officially unveiled at the Dune premiere.

A Timothee Chalamet New Haircut? What A Time To Be Alive!

As the heartthrob actor queued up outside his local barber shop in Manhattan, New York, interest began to mount. The actor entered the barbers and sat down in a chair, eyewitnesses have reported. He then had a cover all wrapped around him, just like a normal person. The Exec spoke with Tony Goode, owner of A Cut Above The Rest barbers, where Chalamet had his haircut.

His Hair Is Almost Just Like Ours, But More Famous

“He asked for a little off the top and a number 5 around the backs and sides.” Said Tony. “His hair smelled incredible. It was like smelling heaven or something.” By this point, crowds had begun to gather and live streams of the haircut were beaming themselves around the world. “His hair felt like normal hair, which is weird. It’s almost like ours, but more famous, Because of this, my hands were a little shaky. I had to take a minute to gather myself. And then, I began to cut.”

Like Black Strands Of Utopia

“I started by just gently snipping the ends off the top. They were already perfect. I felt like I was cutting perfection. Like drawing over the Mona Lisa. It was then he smiled at me in the mirror. I stopped cutting as his gaze warmed me. And then. Sorry, I’m getting a bit emotional. And then, he said to ‘It’s ok, you can do this. It’s what you’ve trained for all your life.’”

Right Through Me

“His power went right through me. I then started to cut and snip like a man possessed. Everything was beautiful blur. And before I knew it, I’d given him a trim on top and a number 5 around the backs and sides. I tapered the back of his milky neck. It was done. And like that, he was gone.” People now pay to just come into my shop. They just want to stand there, in the same space as he once was. It’s magical. I also now charge $800 for The Chalamet, as I call it.”

Dune opens in theatres later this year.

EVERYONE TO STAR IN DUNE

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve revealed today that everyone will star in his remake of the Science Fiction classic Dune.

With Timothee Chalamet, Oscar Isaac, Sting and Charlotte Rampling already confirmed, Denis Villeneuve’s movie adaptation of Frank Herbert’s Dune is beginning to take shape. He spoke with us about his casting decision to recruit the population of the world to ‘swell the scene’.

The thing is we have in Dune the population of Arrakis, but also the home planet of the Artreides: Caladan and Giedi Prime, the planet of the Harkonnens. So we need actors to play the populations of those planets. And we decided quite early on we don’t want Dune to be a mass of CGI. We want it to be as close to real as possible. That’s the way people will engage in the story. My first argument on reading the book, my first thesis, was this isn’t really science fiction, so much as an alternative historical novel. Think about it. There are families and barons and all that. It’s more Game of Thrones than Star Wars.

 Although the population of the world will be expected to get up very early in the morning, they will be pain in spice. And the SPICE MUST FLOW.

Dune starts filming on Tuesday.

SUNDANCE REVIEW – ROB SCHNEIDER’S DUNE

SUNDANCE- Alex Gibney’s shocking new documentary tells the story of the best science fiction never made: Rob Schneider’s Dune.

Frank Herbert’s novel Dune has proven a disaster for many film makers. First Ridley Scott tried and failed. Then Alejandero Jodorowksi. Then Alan Parker, John Boorman and David Lynch. Admittedly David Lynch actually completed the film but by then no one was interested because they knew the one that mattered – Rob Schneider’s – would never be seen.

Often praised by peers as a visionary consistently let down by inferior material, Schneider has also been a lifelong fan of Science Fiction. Throughout the Eighties, the young comedian wrote script after script based on Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series. When those attempts came to naught and emboldened by his growing success on Saturday Night Live, Schneider turned his attention to the massive 1963 Frank Herbert novel which had previously been made into a film by David Lynch in 1984. Schneider says:

I always felt that the Lynch film had got some major aspects of the book wrong. In a way that film is great as a Lynchian play with the future, but it just doesn’t sustain the sweep of the story and I had a feeling I could do it.

Casting himself as Paul Atreides, Schneider wrote a script and prepared to direct. George Lucas – a fan of the book and Schneider’s Tiny Elvis – was on board as a consultant and producer, but the two ultimately fell out over a comic character Lucas wanted to introduce into the film, who would later become Jar Jar Binks. ‘This is the one time in comedy history when Rob actually had more taste,’ jokes collaborator John Milius.

Alex Gibney‘s documentary is an entertaining portrait of a period as well as of the non-making of an almost classic. Talking head interviews with all the principles – except for Meg Ryan who pulled out of the project at a late stage for undisclosed reasons – are enlightening though there is the rosy hue of nostalgia distorting some of the harder economic realities. And despite Schneider’s presence there are moments of genuine comedy such as the casting reel, which shows Robert Downey Jr and James Caan struggling to get into their roles, Duke Leto and the Beast respectively.

Ultimately, heavy drug use and a spiraling budget doomed the project, but its influence can still be seen in such far flung regions of the galaxy as Paul Blart Mall Cop and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

To read more Reviews CLICK HERE.  

DAVID LYNCH PREPS THE HARKONNENS

HOLLYWOOD – David Lynch is to return to TV once more but this time with a reality show spin off from his hit science fiction movie Dune.

The Harkonnens will follow the family of House Harkonnen as they readjust to be kicked of the planet Arrakis and have to readjust to life in an ordinary suburb of Los Angeles. Davide Lynch came into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about the project.

The guys were kicking around and lost. I saw that they had nothing to do all day but murder florists, so I asked if maybe they’d be interested in a project. Feyd was trying to get into the music business and the Beast was working as a sous chef at the Pacific Dining Car in West Hollywood. It had all the elements of drama and weirdness that I’m drawn. Plus Vladimir is really big in local GOP politics. Everything seemed topical and now.

But didn’t the Baron and Feyd Rautha die in Dune?

Look when I make a film like Dune, I’m freely adapting the story to my needs. I use some license. So no, is the answer I suppose. They didn’t die. It wasn’t a fricking documentary, Exec, you ass nozzle.

Steady on David.

No, you steady on. I’ve had enough of your ass biscuitry over the years. When you’ve eaten as many squirrels as I have you know the score. So put a cork in it.

Okay. Tell me more about the show.

It’s my first reality, so I’m on a steep learning curve. But if anything it feels better than Twin Peaks: the Return. There we had a whole fan base to placate. With the Harkonnens, no one really gives a shit.

The Harkonnens will show on ShowTime.

STING TO REPRISE DUNE ROLE IN OLD FEYD

HOLLYWOOD – Sting returns to acting with Dune spin-off Old Feyd.

Of all Sting’s many, many acting roles, Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen in Dune is undoubtedly his most iconic. The scene-stealing turn in David Lynch’s iconic science fiction classic captured the imaginations of audiences everywhere. Fans have called for a stand alone Feyd movie for some years and today Sting announced their dreams will come true. Speaking to Chapeau the French cultural magazine de jour, Sting exclaimed:

Everyone knows that Feyd-Rautha died at the end of Dune. But our film asks the question: what if he didn’t?

Denis Villeneuve will direct the new film, according to Sting from a screenplay written by the ex-Police front man.

We’re so excited. I was watching Blade Runner 2049 and just thinking how wonderful Old Feyd will be.

Sting also spoke about the story:

Feyd Rautha survives the fight with Paul Atreides despite seeming dead. He is smuggled back to Geidi Prime where he plots the destruction of House Atreides and his return to Arrakis. But while recovering from the grievous wound Paul inflicted, Feyd becomes interested in middle of the road rock and meditation. The film takes a more philosophical turn as Feyd becomes convinced only music and specifically a kind of watered down reggae can make the universe a better place.

The film arrives in a flurry of Dune related projects, with Denis Villeneuve’s remake already in the works and David Lynch’s long-awaited sequel Dune Messiah due out next year.

Old Feyd will be released in 2019.

 

ALEJANDRO JODOROWSKY TO MAKE EDGAR WRIGHT ANT-MAN DOCUMENTARY

HOLLYWOOD – Surrealist director Alejandro Jodorowsky will direct a documentary chronically the ill-fated Edgar Wright Ant-Man film.

Famed El Topo director Alejandro Jodorowsky turns his attention to another filmmaker in a new documentary about Edgar Wright’s unfinished Ant-Man movie. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Jodorowsky had this to say:

I love cinema. But more than cinema even I love the impossible cinema of the incomplete. No film is more pure than the unmade film. This was seen already with my version of Dune. Then there was even Rob Schneider’s version, which I would have loved to have seen. Edgar’s version of Ant-Man is another of these invisible visions. A silent echo of a master imagination, which we now only hear hushed voices speak of. edgar wright

Edgar Wright signed on to direct Ant-Man for Marvel and he and Joe Cornish wrote a screenplay. However, when Marvel wanted to have a rewrite Wright wrote it couldn’t be rewritten. Jodorowsky continues:

Wright had worked on Ant-Man for eight years. It was a project close to his emotional core. The vision he pursued looked to change the history of cinema as we know it. Imagine what Paul Rudd, in the hands of a master such as Wright, could have become. How he would mould him. Change him. Instead Peyton Reed came along and just made yet another Marvel film. I was sick to my stomach when I saw it.  It is a missed opportunity to put beside Stanley Kubrick’s Napoleon movie and Steven Spielberg remake of The Human Centipede.

Alejandro Jodorwsky’s next film is Barnacles.

47 FILMS: 47. DUNE

In our continuing series of 47 films to see before you are murdered in your dreams we present Dune.

Blue Velvet disturbs and Elephant Man moves, but David Lynch’s Dune is by far his most entertaining film. Based on Frank Herbert’s epic novel, it tells the tale of House Atreides and their move to the desert planet of Arrakis, the only source of the hallucinogenic Spice. Don’t worry. This isn’t about turmeric or something. The Spice allows for the navigators to fold time and space and thus travel vast distances through space.

Paul Atreides – the Duke’s son – is being trained by his weird mom as well as Jean Luc Picard to take over from his father. The  dangers of complicated politics and particularly the threat of the rival Harkonnen house, a family that resembles a less fat and disgusting version of Donald Trump, surround the family and soon mother and son are fleeing into the desert as the family are attacked. Here as the Harkonnen take over the planet, Paul and his magic mum seek refuge with the Freemen. Sorry, I meant Fremen.

Of course, the film has flaws. I can’t think of any, but it has them. Perhaps the last half becomes lost as it does its best to take us through the messianic rise of Paul. But frankly the flaws are also in Herbert’s novel. Like Lord of the Rings, Dune is basically an okay-ish novel, full of mock medieval scrumptons and elevated by the worlds invented around it.

Lynch’s vision is startling and has moments of genuine beauty and ugliness. The cast are superb. The guy from Das Boot, Picard, MacLachlan and Sean Young are great. And then there’s Sting in his pants!  Sting. In. His. Pants.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

TRUMP GIVES BARON VLADIMIR HARKONNEN NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL SPOT

WASHINGTON – President Trump adds Vladimir Harkonnen to the National Security Council.

President Trump signed a memorandum late Saturday afternoon that reorganizes the National Security Council (NSC), including Vladimir Harkonnen, the former Siridar of Giedi Prime and his chief strategist and senior counselor, as well as Feyd-Rautha, his chief of staff, on its principals committee. The decision is unusual because such positions are not normally given to political operatives. Harkonnen, along with his relative the Beast, has been among the most controversial of Trump’s advisors, because of his association with the Spice trade.

The order also said the Director of National Intelligence and the Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff would no longer be automatic principals on the committee. Trump said the reorganization is meant to streamline the NSC. He said it would bring “a lot of efficiency and, I think, a lot of additional safety,” The Washington Post reported.

“People have talked about doing this for a long time. Like, many years.”

The memorandum read that “Baron Harkonnen has a great deal of experience in this kind of thing and has the prettiest first name.”

Donald Trump is still the President of the United States of America.

BEAST RABBAN TO BE SECRETARY OF STATE

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump’s cabinet firms up with Secretary of State confirmed to be Beast Rabban.

First, Rudy Guiliani out. Then Mitt Romney goes back to the binders. Beast Rabban will be President Elect Donald Trump’s Secretary of State. Emerging from Trump Tower, the Harkonnen issued a brief statement:

The Spice must flow.

Although the Beast’s appointment had been widely predicted, it still stirred some criticism as Democrats pointed out that it directly contradicted an election pledge to keep the spice out of politics. Kellyanne Conway, however, welcomed the move.

We are going to make Arrakis, I mean America great again.

Donald Trump will be president in the satirical movie which is about to become reality.

BARON HARKONNEN WITHDRAWS SUPPORT FROM DONALD TRUMP

WASHINGTON – Baron Harkonnen today has become the latest member of the GOP to withdraw his support from the party’s presidential candidate Donald Trump.

The news follows a number of high profile desertions, including House Speaker, Paul Ryan. However, Harkonnen’s switch will be particularly painful as he is in fact a relative of the Reality star turned candidate. In a statement issued from Giedi Prime, the Baron told the Studio Exec his reasons:

I feel that Donald Trump has brought disrepute to the Republican Party and to the Harkonnens. We are a long line of sexual deviants and predators and his mealy mouthed apologizing is a disgrace. I myself bathe in the blood of adolescents every morning and you don’t hear me giving any explanations to anybody. I shall be voting for Larry Vaughn on the ticket and I hope Donald will step aside and allow this true Republican to take his place.

There has been no comment from the Trump camp.

DONALD TRUMP VOWS TO CONTROL THE SPICE MELANGE

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump has sent shock waves through the political establishment by swearing to take complete control of the Spice Melange and by extension the ability to navigate the known universe.

We have got used to Donald Trump’s shock and awe political campaign but today he came out with perhaps the biggest pronouncement so far of the presumptive Republican nominee for president: to control the Spice Melange.

Speaking at a rally in Arkansas, Mr. Trump said:

Everyone’s talking about the oil. The oil. We need oil. And then there’s all the climate change hysterics talking about renewables, but one of these bozos know how the world works the way I do. What we as a country have to understand is that whoever controls the Spice, controls the universe. With the Spice the Navigators Guild will bow to our every demand and the Galactic Empire will become the US Empire. It’ll be beautiful. And so it is for this reason that on my first day in office I will be ordering the invasion of Arakis and the taking of the Spice. Let’s make Arakis great again!

The statement increased suspicion that Mr. Trump’s campaign was being unduly influenced by his Harkonnen family ties. A visibly angry President Obama took the unusual decision to intervene in the ongoing electoral campaign:

Everybody knows that the planet Arakis has been controlled by the Atreides family for as long as we can remember. And Mr. Trump believes that we’re just going to waltz in and take it away from him? How? With what? We don’t have any interplanetary space ships. We can’t ride sand worms. The Fremen our hostile to our intentions. So how is this going to happen? And if he thinks that we haven’t thought about it, then he is sorely mistaken.

The President went on to address some of Mr. Trump’s criticisms of his own policy and language:

And let me say this. His continued insistence that I use the word Dune when describing Arakis is doing more damage to our relations with the rest of the Galaxy than anything else he has come out with so far.

For more on Donald Trump, click here.