CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS TO PLAY A SANDWORM IN DUNE

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Day-Lewis is to come out of retirement to cameo as a Sandworm in Denis Villeneuve’s Dune.

“Daniel is taking method acting to a new level”, said Villeneuve:

He began preparing for the role around a year ago by burying himself in his garden and living like a common earthworm. Unfortunately he was attacked and swallowed by a Crow on day four but after we shot the Crow and recovered him, it only took a few days of bed rest and he was back at work.

Villeneuve went on to say that audiences are going to be astounded by Day-Lewis’ transformation:

Obviously in order to convincingly play a Sandworm Daniel had to bulk up so he’s been drinking five litres of melted cheese every day for the last six months. It’s not been plain sailing, he’s had several heart attacks and he’s permanently damaged his digestive system but that’s Daniel, he’s willing to put his body on the line for his art.

The Studio Exec attempted to contact Day-Lewis but according to his agent, he’s unavailable for comment:

Daniel is currently fifty-feet below the Sahara desert. We don’t know exactly where at the moment, but I’d like to state for the record that reports of Bedouin tribes being devoured by a giant worm have nothing to do with him. In fact we’re pretty certain it’s Tom Hardy who is preparing to play a worm in the Tremors remake.

Dune will be released later this year.