JOHNNY KNOXVILLE EVAPORATES

HOLLYWOOD – Fans of movies everywhere breathed a sigh of relief as news arrived that Jackass star Johnny Knoxville has evaporated.

The evaporation of Johnny Knoxville took place last night in a private ceremony attended by some friends and family members. A witness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about what went on in those fateful hours:

Johnny has been getting fainter and fainter and then it became obvious that he was just not going to retain his solid form. There was a hope that following The Last Stand with Arnold Schwarzenegger that Johnny would corner the market in the kind of crazy comedic roles a young Christopher Lloyd might have picked up. But when that became increasingly unlikely Johnny just became so steamed. And I mean that literally.

To say Johnny Knoxville was one of the finest actors of our generation would be a deliberate untruth. He first came to fame with the Jackass TV series which then became a movie franchise. More conventional film roles however garnered little in critical and commercial success, including a remake of Dukes of Hazzard which was called by all who saw it ‘an unwiped hole’.

Although rare evaporation is not unknown in Hollywood. Mickey Rooney evaporated in 1975 only to condense two years later and continue his career unharmed.

Johnny Knoxville will next be seen on a window pane or a cloud or a rainbow.

HUGH LAURIE OWNS A HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable coincidence the star of medical drama House, Hughe Laurie, it was revealed today, owns a house.

Hugh Laurie told stunned reporters that he had owned several houses throughout his career, but the latest one was a beautiful farmhouse in the Cotswolds, England. Although a well known face in England for over a decade, Hugh Laurie only became famous in the US for his portrayal of cantankerous medical genius Dr. Gregory House in the television series House.

Laurie watcher Jace Windu told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Of course you can be disappointed that Hugh owns a house, but personally I just think it’s so Hugh. I mean this man is so talented. He can act in drama and he is a wonderful comedian and to add to that he is a truly special musician. So he owns a house? So what? Is that linguistic determinism? Is it hypocrisy? I don’t know. Should he rent? All I know is that he has given pleasure to millions of people and so if he wants to own a house why in the hell not?

However, the New York Times criticized Laurie for his property holdings.

Noted opinionista Paul Krugman writes in this morning’s newspaper:

Hugh Laurie is a man of many talents to be sure. But for him to have a house having become famous in this country for portraying someone called House sets a dangerous precedent. Next we’ll learn that the Dukes of Hazzard are actually aristocrats, or that Bryan Cranston has Broken Bad, or that Peter Dinklage and Emilia Clarke actually play musical chairs during breaks in filming. Laurie, for the sake of his fellow actors, should rent, preferably an apartment.

House: The Motion Picture will be released in 2017.

FURY AS DUKES OF HAZZARD REMAKE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the news that NBC plan to make a gay centered version of “Hart to Hart”, it was revealed today that “Dukes of Hazzard” would also have its sexuality realigned this time making it into a heterosexual show!

The Dukes of Hazzard has long been praised as a pioneer in its portrayal of genteel Southern hospitality, gay sexuality and inter-cousin relationships.  In its original run from 1979 to 1985, the Bo (Tom Wopat) and Luke Duke (John Schnieder) were husband and husband, who with their cousin Daisy (Catherine Bach), good-naturedly fought the ingrained bigotry of the South as represented by Boss Hogg and his fascist police force, ironically re-appropriating the Confederate flag as an image of their rebellion. The Waylon Jennings theme song ‘Good Ol’ Boys’ was a heartfelt plea for tolerance: ‘Making their way, They only way they know how// Which is a little more, than the law will allow’.

In the new version, Bo and Luke will be brothers and they will concentrate less on loving each other and more on being racist. An insider working on the remake told the Studio Exec:

Everyone was very disappointed with the movie that was made. First of all there was the complete change of the homosexuality and then their was that ass-wipe Johnny Knoxville. I’ve not met one single person who likes that guy. Anyway, when we came to look at the idea of reviving the show we decided that we could perhaps continue with the heterosexuality and move into racism as well. What with the Duke Dynasty fellows and Paula Deen, not to mention our next president Donald Trump, there’s a buck in this racism lark!

However, many fans are furious at the proposed changes. One Dukes of Hazzard blogger, HazzardCountyPop23 wrote:

The sexual frisson was what made the show. Take that away and make them brothers and you might as well set it in Kentucky!

It should also be noted that this new version has nothing to do with the cancelled Bill Cosby show that was planned earlier this year (CLICK HERE for that story).

The Dukes of Hazzard Ride Again will be broadcast next year.

HART TO HART TO GET GAY REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – NBC has announced that they are in the process of developing a gay remake of popular detective show Hart to Hart.

A source close to the Hart to Hart production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

In this new era of marriage equality it is only a matter of time before we start seeing a whole raft of shows featuring same sex couples. In the new show Jonathan and Daniel Hartman, self-made millionaire and his trophy husband will solve a whole series of murders and crimes helped by their faithful manservant Maxine the Butler and their dog Freeway.

The original show featured Robert Wagner, Stephanie Powers and Lionel Stander and speculation is rife as to who will play the leads, but the money is on the renewed pairing of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman with Lady Gaga in the role of Maxine. Rumors that Freeway will be a Chihuahua have been strongly denied.

There is a good chance that the new Hart to Hart will be only the first in a whole raft of remakes realigned to mirror changes in the acceptance and celebration of our diverse sexuality. Rumors are already circulating of a lesbian Cagney and Lacey, an aggressively gay Manimal and a completely heterosexual Dukes of Hazzard.

Hart to Hart is due for broadcast in 2017.

BILL COSBY DUKES OF HAZZARD CROSS-OVER IN DOUBT

HOLLYWOOD – The Dukes of Hazzard reboot starring Bill Cosby has been placed in serious doubt, and might be cancelled before a single episode has been broadcast.

The reboot of Eighties classic Dukes of Hazzard was to star Bill Cosby in the role of Luke Duke. A synopsis published earlier this year reads:

With nostalgia for the 80s at its height, The Dukes of Hazzard is to join forces with the star of The Cosby Show for a new version which will amuse and entertain young and old. Luke Duke (Bill Cosby) returns to the farm an old man but raring to get into high jinx with his brother Bo (John Schneider) and sister Daisy (Catherine Bach). However, Boss Hog (Michael Richards) and Sheriff Roscoe Coltrane (Charlie Sheen) are hell bent on trapping the Duke brothers and sending them to jail. With their hot rod car the General Lee and its trademark Dixieland flag, watch as the Dukes of Hazzard provide roaring fun for all the family.

So far both production company and the studio have been quiet about  exactly why the show has been seemingly shelved.

Veteran television watcher and author of ‘It’s only a Show!’ Marcus Plott told the Studio Exec:

I don’t get it. This show has the makings of a hit. Not only do we have Cosby in the General Lee, we also have the Different Strokes thing going on, what with him being a black fella! There was even going to be a cameo from the Duck Dynasty boys. I do hope that this doesn’t turn out to be a permanent delay.

Bill Cosby’s Dukes of Hazzard will be delayed indefinitely.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.