TROLLS WORLD TOUR FAVORITE TO WIN BEST PICTURE OSCAR

HOLLYWOOD – New animated film Trolls World Tour set to sweep the Oscars, according to some.

When the Queen of the Hard Rock Trolls tries to take over all the Troll kingdoms, Queen Poppy and her friends try different ways to save all the Trolls. So reads the plot synopsis of Trolls World Tour. A cheerful animated flick, no one believed it would have much impact on the Academy, beyond the animation category. But with a dearth of cinema product on our screens, Academy insiders claim that the new film looks set to sweep the board.

Jacob Stankley of The New York Times told us:

The only way anyone can stop Trolls World Tour would be if the Academy were to accept films for nominations without theatrical release. But that is never going to happen. Not in one million years. Just no way. You’re kidding me? Really?

 Billy Hunt, the little kid fishing on the crescent moon in the Dreamworks logo, expressed his delight:

It’s amazing. We’re all really pleased here at Dreamworks. But there’s no point counting our chickens. as we always say here at Dreamworks, you can give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but capture an adolescent boy and force to fish in perpetuity and you have yourself a brand.

Despite everyone being pleased, some were angry. Susan Sarandon told the Studio Exec:

This is a disgrace. That’s a racist, sexist, transphobic film, which is why I’m going to do everything in my power to see that Donald Trump wins another term.

Trolls World Tour is now available for streaming.

DREAMWORKS KID CATCHES FISH

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood was ‘reeling’ today when out of the deep blue the kid in the DreamWorks logo caught a fish.

The DreamWorks boy – Billy Hunt – has been sitting in the D for nineteen years and the famously foul mouthed icon was yet to get a bite.

‘I admit I was getting well cheesed off,’ said Billy. ‘My dad had just said, almost twenty years ago, sit there for a minute boy. I just want to capture something. And that was it. Nineteen years later, I’m still here. F*ck sacks.’

A Free Billy Hunt petition has gained some support over the years, but DreamWorks founder Steven Spielberg is an enthusiastic slave owner and is unlikely to release Billy any time soon, especially now that he can feed himself. Billy continues:

It isn’t all bad. I quite like acoustic guitar picking and it beats working for a living. It’s just that sometimes the moon goes right up my ass crack. And, you know, chaffs. 

 The fish was a five pound trout and Billy ate it raw.

‘He was like Gollum,’ his proud father said, laughing so hard he dropped his cattle prod.

CUMBERBATCH AND PEGG KILL AND EAT THE MADAGASCAR PENGUINS

movies 2013HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg have been accused of hunting, capturing, killing and eating the real life penguins from the popular Dreamworks film series Madagascar.

The accusations is only the latest outrage to be blamed on the Jolly Bastards – the club formed by Charles Dance for British actors working in Hollywood. In the past they have been linked with the Tim Hiddleston swan murder affair (of which he was eventually cleared) as well as many unsolved homicides from the 1980s. The latest incident followed weeks of increasingly vitriolic criticism of the penguins of Madagascar by both Pegg and Cumberbatch. ‘I hate those penguins,’ said the actor who has given his voice to Smaug in the latest installment of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. ‘Irritating flightless shit sticks.’

The World’s End star Simon Pegg used an interview with Esquire to express ‘my contempt for the lazy way in which the penguins of Madagascar fall back on easy stereotypes of Englishness for comic purposes. That’s my job.’ 

Following a burglary in the penguin compound at Dreamworks, the penguins were found to be missing. 
Cumberbatch admitted to having eaten them to the police, but they were so charmed by his accent they forgot to press charges. Likewise, Pegg was open about having strangled and grilled the penguins, saying they were delicious with ‘Tabasco sauce, though chewy’. However, his full and unnecessarily detailed confession was ruled inadmissible because ‘of his hilariously self-deprecating sense of humor’.

A spokesperson for Dreamworks said that they were devastated and refused to comment on how the loss of the animals would effect plans for a sequel. ‘We are in grief,’ said the spokesperson. ‘How can you even think of such a trivial question at a time like this?’

Madagascar 4: The Search for the Penguins will be released in 2015.