MCU REBRANDED TO THE MARVEL CONTENT UNIVERSE

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock announcement, the name of the MCU is to be changed to the Marvel Content Universe in order to reflect its corporate rollout strategy. We spoke with the Marvel Content Universe impresario, Kevin Feige to discuss this latest development.


Kevin, Why Have You Rebranded To The Marvel Content Universe?

We wanted to make sure our consumers are fully aligned with our product output and are always using the latest version of our operating systems. By which I mean they are fully subscribed to Disney+, following our Instagram and TikTok accounts. Oh and also watching our movies. I guess people wanna do that also. But mainly they’ll need to keep up with our shows that are currently streaming on Disney+. Disney, the home of Marvel.

Can Fans Keep Up With Phase 4 If They Haven’t Watched All Of The Shows?

Yes, yeah, sure absolutely. And by that, I mean no. They haven’t got a fucking chance of knowing what the hell is going on if they have haven’t seen all our shows and just expect to understand what the fuck Dr. Strange is doing now. I produced all this bullshit and I can hardly understand it all.

But Why Change From Cinematic To The Marvel Content Universe?

You have seen some of our recent movies, haven’t you? I mean, Jesus H Christ all our Phase 4 movies make the Iron Man trilogy look like Kieslowski’s Three Colors trilogy. Would you call The Eternals cinematic? Would you?

Um, Well, It had Pacing Issues.

Pacing issues? You’re being very kind, but we all know that was a turd. Just a big old steaming turd. Besides, we got a sweet deal going with Disney+. The more crap we release directly on Disney+, the greater the percentage of subscription receipts for little old me. I know Thor: Love and Thunder will make truckloads of cash, but the Taika bubble is about to burst. We rode that pony for as long as we could. Then what? A Moon Knight movie? Gimme a break. Oh my god, what have I done with my life?

Thor: Love and Thunder Is Currently In Cinemas.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME CONFIRMED BY MARVEL

BREAKING NEWS – Hot on the tails of the latest Spider-Man film, Marvel have announced Spiderman No Place Like Home has been shot back to back. The next installment in the franchise will be called Spiderman No Place Like Home and will be in cinemas next Christmas.

Spiderman No Place Like Home

The film will combine not only every single Spiderman, including Nicholas Hammond’s Spiderman from the 70s TV show but also The Wizard Of Oz universe. The ‘Spiderverse’ and ‘Ozverse’ will come together in a spectacular movie where Peter quantum leaps into Dorothy.

Oh Boy

By using Dr. Strange’s catchall multi-verse along with the Quantum Leap-verse, Marvel can combine any old crap to keep flogging their horses, dead or alive. Marvel have confirmed that Scott Bakula will not be appearing, which totally means he will be in it.

The Wicked Green Goblin Of The West

But it wont only be Spiderman who will inhabit famous characters from the Ozverse. The Green Goblin quantum leaps into the Wicked Witch of the West’s body, leading an army of killer flying monkeys. Craven The Hunter will leap into the Cowardly Lion’s body, because the color schemes kinda fit. And Mysterio will leap into the Wizard’s body, which is obvious when you think about it.

Bonophobia

The only Spiderman noticeable by his absence will be Bono’s musical version of Spiderman, Turn Off The Night (whatever that means). A Bono-esque character will quantum leap into poor old Toto’s body, only to be immediately crushed by Dorothy’s house. Bono / Toto’s remains will then be ripped to shreds by Doc Oc. So, what’s left of poor Bono / Toto will be buried under the yellow brick road. Peter / Dorothy and Craven The Hunter / Cowardly Lion will then dance over Bono / Toto’s pavement grave (gravement). It would appear the producers are keen to keep the U2 singer as far away from this production as possible.

SPIDERMAN NO PLACE LIKE HOME WILL BE IN CINEMAS NEXT CHRISTMAS