HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino’s tenth and final film will be a big screen version of period television drama Downton Abbey.

Julian Fellowes confirmed to day that Quentin Tarantino has agreed to direct Downton Abbey: The Motion Picture. Speaking with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, he had this to say:

I think Quentin is a natural choice. Dialogue is important and so is a feel for period and dear Quentin has it in spades. Of course, he does want to rewrite the script a tittle but I dare say the changes will be consistent with the spirit of the show.

Tarantino is currently shooting Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, but is understood to already be working on the new film. A source close tot he director – Michael Madsen – told the Exec:

Quentin has always been a huge fan of the series. We’d always go round to his place and he’d show the show on 35mm, because he’d actually film it on his TV with a movie camera and then scratch the negative and then watch it. That’s how committed he is to the cinematic experience. What appeals to him is this closed world of a class system and all this underlying tension and violence. I can see myself playing Carson quite easily and I know that Uma Thurman is keen to play Lady Mary.

But what about the original cast?

Maggie Smith will be back. Of that I’m sure but Quentin likes using his people. Tim Roth will probably be a footman and Leonardo di Caprio will play Lord Crawley. That’s nailed on.

Will there be some violence?

People get this idea of Quentin as only doing violence. I think that’s not fair on the guy. He’s capable of a lot more. But yeah there’ll be some Mexican stand offs and some brutal gore.

Downton Abbey: The Final Showdown starts filming this Fall.


HOLLYWOOD – The US remake of Downton Abbey is to be set on a cotton plantation of the antebellum South, it has been revealed.

The hugely popular UK drama Downton Abbey is to be remade for American audiences. The show’s creator Julian Fellowes is writing the pilot episode. A source close to the production spoke to the Studio Exec:

The fascinating aspect of Downton Abbey is the relationship between the aristocracy and the servants, downstairs. In the USA we never really had that social system, except of course in the South before the Civil War. We’ll see the house slaves and their relationship with their kind master, Colonel Sweetwater (Don Johnson) and his daughters (Elisabeth and Ashley Olsen).

Many UK shows have successfully made the transition across the pond: The Office for instance. But many considered Downton Abbey a long shot.

The problem was political correctness. We wanted to show that many slaves were perfectly happy with the way things were. Old traditions of patrician care. But frankly with Obama in the White House, the climate wasn’t right for such a radical reappraisal. Now though we can say Happy Christmas and reassess slavery for the fine institution it always was.

Masterpiece are to broadcast Sweetwater Plantation broadcast in 2018.


DOWNTON ABBEY – George Clooney’s appearance on a special edition of Downton Abbey is a highly anticipated television event but it was revealed today that he took the opportunity ‘to have it off’ with Dame Maggie Smith, AKA Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films.

Apparently the two actors were amorous right from the get go. A cast member who preferred not to be named (it was Hugh Bonneville) told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

They were all over each other at the script reading. First it was him fetching her pastries and coffee from the cart and the next thing you know they are locking lips and groping each other in broad daylight. Julian Fellowes got quite exasperated and told them to get a room, which they promptly did.

The ITV costume drama was thrown into complete disarray by the cavorting couple, who would even get down to some serious heavy duty petting between takes. During a lunch break the two were caught in Flagrante, a small village near the location, having tea.

Mr. Clooney, who is married to Amal Alamuddin, was unapologetic about his behavior.

‘I’m a swinger,’ he said. ‘We’re all sophisticated adults. We’ve all been round the block. Some of us more than once. Ha ha ha!’

Downton Abbey will be broadcast.


HOLLYWOOD – Hong Kong action director John Woo has signed on to direct a film version of Downton Abbey in a surprise move that had some stupid idiots thinking it was just a hoax.

‘I am very excited to be given this opportunity,’ said Woo. ‘Downton Abbey is an important cultural phenomenon and I am particularly pleased to step away from my reputation of blood soaked gun ballet and spectacular action sequences of violence in order to do something more sedate and costumey.’
In his first interview since the news broke, Woo explained how he had gotten tired of being pigeon holed:
It’s always violence, violence, violence. I look to this prestigious ITV television series and I see a wonderful sense of time and nuance, history unfolding around real characters in a sleepy kind of way.
Do you plan any changes to the original?
Well, of course it does have to be more cinematic. What works on the small screen over the space of several episodes must be made to work on the big screen and with a two hour running time.
So what do you plan to change?
Well, to begin with I think all the characters should have two guns.
All of them?
The servants will have small Glocks and the Crawleys will all have something heavier. I think Robert Crawley (Hugh Bonneville), the Earl of Grantham, should have a gattling gun and Cora Crawley (Elizabeth McGovern) should have a flame thrower. Then they’ll get into a fight because the servants want to take over the house. And they’ll jump sideways in the air flying two guns at the same time while things explode and a dove (representing the forlorn wish for peace) flaps out of a window in the background.
Julian Fellowes – the creator of the original series -said that he was delighted with John Woo and especially admired him for the way money kept appearing in his bank account.
Downton Abbey: Blood Massacre will be released in 2016.


BUCKINGHAM PALACE – A spokesperson for the British Royal family announced today that Prince George will make his television debut in a guest appearance on the Downton Abbey Xmas Special currently being filmed. 

The royal infant is not yet six months old, but, the statement said, ‘his future is to be in the media spotlight and there can be no more realistic drama currently being broadcast than Downton Abbey‘. Show creator Julian Fellowes remarked that he was delighted  although he was keen to add that this was more than simply a gimmick:

Prince George is a wonderful young actor with a quite remarkable range. Even if he hadn’t been heir to the throne, I would have hired him on the strength of his screen test. I believe when people see this they will be surprised and delighted. And may I be the first to proffer the suggestion that when, in a few years time, Warner Bros decided to remake the Harry Potter series who would be better placed then Prince George to play the role of that other British icon.

Although producers have kept the story lines a closely guarded secret, they did deny the speculation that Prince George will be playing the new gardener.
The Downton Abbey Xmas Special will air on Xmas Day, 2013. 


STRATFORD  – Julian Fellowes – the genius behind Downton Abbey – has roundly described William Shakespeare, thought by many to be the most prodigious talent who ever wrote in the English language, as ‘a lowlife c*nt who couldn’t write for toffee.’

Mr. Fellowes was promoting his new version of Romeo and Juliet directed by Carlo Carlei  and starring Hailee Steinfeld and Douglas Booth as the star-crossed lovers when he launched into what only can be described as a ‘diatribe’ and/or ‘rant’. Fellowes fumed:

People are always asking me how can I have a writing credit on a film based on a Shakespeare play, how do you approach the great bard and so on. Well, I have to say it was easy because the jumped up little glove merchant from Stratford Upon Avon deserves nothing more than withering contempt. For a start, he’s ill mannered, with many lewd jokes and a very rough sense of decorum and etiquette. I mean the families in Romeo and Juliet – the Montagues and the Capulets – are supposed to be noble, but they’re not even English!

Fellowes went onto say that Shakespeare’s grammar was ‘appalling and his spelling leaves a lot to be desired as well.’

When it comes down to it, one of these old theater luvvies simply can’t compete with the evolved talent of a modern television author of my standing and (and I’m not ashamed to say it) breeding

Fellowes also spoke of his desire to make Romeo and Juliet more English, even forcing through a last minute name change.  

Julian Fellowes’ Rodney and Jennifer is to be released in 2014.  


LOS ANGELES – The 65th Emmys Nominations were announced this morning at a hotel. There were some surprises – no nominations for Game of Thrones or Mad Men for instance – and after the jump we have the full list of nominations. 

Outstanding Lead Actor in A Drama Series who Makes Drugs
John Hamm
Bryan Cranston
Peter Dinklage 

Lead Actress who has Mental Problems/is a bitch
Claire Danes
Robin Wright
Vera Farmiga

Oustanding Reality-Competition Series 
Seriously who gives a shit? 
A Shit who gives Seriously?
Gives a shit Seriously?
Who Seriously shit gives A?

Outstanding British Posh Piffle with Bogus Historical Detail and Nostalgia for Nobs
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Mad Men
Game of Cards

Outstanding Comedy Series that Rhymes with Bodern Bamily
30 Rock
Modern Family

Outstanding Fantasy Series that Kills Lead Characters with Alarming Frequency
House of Cards
Game of Thrones
House of Thrones
Game of Cards

Best Miniseries or Movie that should Actually be competing in the Oscars
Behind the Candelabra 
Behind the Candelabra
The Candelabra (Behind)
Behind the Candelabra

The Trophies will be awared on the 22nd September in Los Angeles. 


YORKSHIRE – Only hours after news that Paul Giamatti is joining the cast of Downton Abbey for Season Four, it was also revealed that the ‘Muscles from Brussels’, Jean Claude Van Damme will also be appearing, although it is as yet unclear as to whether he will be making a permanent addition, or a special one off appearance.

The action star spoke excitedly to Studio Exec this morning:

My character is Alphonse DuBois. I am a member of the Belgian aristocracy but I have fallen on hard times and I arrive at Downton as part of a troupe of entertainers. I’m the clown Monsieur Chuckles. Unbeknownst to the Earl the house has been surrounded by dirty thieving Ninjas, intent on stealing the family silver, and this is where my character really comes into his own, cheering up the family once the Ninjas have gone with all the silver.  

Julian Fellowes, the creator and producer of the show, said that they were very pleased to have Monsieur Van Damme aboard.

He really is the most charming of chaps, and when he has a couple of drinks he comes out with the funniest stories about Kylie Minogue and Roger Moore. Really ripping stuff.  

But aren’t you worried the influx of Hollywood faces will compromise the dramatic believability of the show?

What what what what? Oh, dramatic believability! Ha! Yes, quite.

Downton Abbey: Season 4 begins this Fall.


“Does Art mirror Life, or is it the other way around?” is the question framed in one form or another by columnists with a deadline to meet and no cutesey, self-referential anecdotes about how Downton Abbey or something relates to their worthless, parasitic lives.  Let us put this matter to rest – at least as far as this corner of Cyberspace is concerned: ART MIRRORS LIFE.  There; I said it.  

The earliest known art-form – cave-paintings – depicted people hunting and the like: was that the spur that got Homo Sapiens off their hairy arses and picking up spears?  Of course it wasn’t; it was the representation of something that was already going on – and so it goes.  No hominid Moral Majority scratched their heads and expressed concern that these images would inspire a wave of copy-cat mammoth murder; they were simply reflections of about the only noteworthy activity in which our forebears indulged – pictures of people shivering in caves and starving to death might have been awfully poignant, but they wouldn’t put bums on rocks…

The people that make film and TV know this of course; you only need the slightest high-school massacre to have them spewing it at any camera put in front of them; but are the media’s “reflections” always accurate?

In a word: no.  They know that people prefer to see themselves at their very best than as they actually are: clever without being a nerd; concerned and thoughtful, yet not so much so that they don’t enjoy a laugh, now and then; well-rounded, in short – the type of guy or gal than anybody would want to hang out with.  Thus the films and shows that represent these qualities are laden with Oscars and Golden Globes; with Emmys and those lopsided BAFTA faces.

More people might have watched Here Comes The Boom than watched Black Mirror – but you can be damned sure that Charlie Brooker is going to get more wear out of his tux than Kevin James will (sweaty girth notwithstanding) when gong-time rolls around.  Similarly, while Skyfall continues to have millions queueing for vicarious, misogynistic crypto-Fascism, it looks like Lincoln and Les Mis will do rather better* in terms of trophies.

Yes; Art might mirror Life, but the Arts/Entertainment establishment don’t want us to have to really see ourselves for what we are: instead, the Awards shows’ glass shows us as good-humoured, compassionate connoisseurs of the best and brightest the Arts have to offer rather than a bloodthirsty mob of sentiment-drenched, viscerally-guided cretins with the unshaven face and yellowed eyes of somebody who’s been up all night trying to imagine what Megan Fox looks like while taking a shit. Ultimately, the baubles are unimportant: thanks to their shameless pandering, we are always the real winners.

*The Adele theme-song’s success illustrates this perfectly: it’s “classier” than pure pop, without being “difficult” like Opera or Classical.

Words by The Silver Fox