HOLLYWOOD – The blockbusting performance of Warcraft in China might be part of a cunning psychological campaign, warn Pentagon.
Warcraft didn’t perform well on its domestic US opening and it has been roundly savaged by the critics, but in China it has broken records, much to the pleased amazement of the studio. The fantasy video game cross-over directed by Douglas Jones is a bizarre mixture of every fantasy cliche around, with a lump of Shrek dolloped in the middle. It looked like it was going to take a deserved beating at the box office but then China came to the rescue with a performance that exceeded even the most optimistic expectations. However, a shadowy figure from the Pentagon has told the Studio Exec that all might not be what it seems:
The Chinese are crafty and this is not the first time an antagonist has tried to flummox us with this kind of misdirection. For years the French told us they loved Jerry Lewis. They celebrated him, gave him awards, showed his films. No one could work it out. We watched them and watch them and all the while the French were laughing up their sleeves. Goddamned bastards.
Yeah, well I watched Warcraft and there isn’t anything in this movie to like. Not a goddamned thing. The Chinese have intentionally ordered everyone in their country to go and see it just to sow self-doubt in the minds of American movie goers. We’re all second guessing and in the meantime half of Hollywood is green-lighting the Warcraft sequels and a new sequel to Dungeons and Dragons starring Jeremy Irons. We’ll pour all our money and time into that and in the meanwhile the Chinese are tunneling to Hawaii. You remember how a year ago North Korea managed to convince us that James Franco and Seth Rogen were some how edgy.
Jeez, you’re right!
See. Do you see? Finally?