SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS DORIS DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Doris Day.

It was Doris Day who first introduced me to cocaine. Except it wasn’t actually cocaine, it was M&Ms. And it wasn’t Doris Day, it was young Jack Nicholson. I don’t know why I said that now. 
Anyway, the year was nineteen hundred and sixty something and I found myself at a party hosted by that lovely old darling Dennis Hopper. This came as quite a surprise to me as I thought I was meeting Fred MacMurray for pancakes, but that’s Hollywood!

Jack showed me into a dimly lit room and invited me to take a seat. That led to some confusion, but I brought the chair back and sat down. He had that look in his eye and I knew that mischief wasn’t far behind. ‘Whaddaya think of these then Neddy?’ he drawled, and with that Jack removed the napkin that was covering a bowl in the middle of the table. I couldn’t believe my eyes! There must’ve been three or four packets of M&Ms in there, and all the colours of the rainbow! Apart from indigo and violet, they don’t make those.

And these weren’t peanut M&Ms, we were talking 100% pure chocolate! 
Jack picked one up and popped it in his mouth, his eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a long ‘damn that’s good’. I’d never tried them before myself, so ‘when in Rome’ I thought, and I did the same. It was delicious! 
‘Fill your boots man,’ laughed Jack. He could tell I was enjoying it, so I had another. And another. And another… I didn’t like the orange ones, they seemed to taste a bit funny to me, but before I knew it I must’ve had half a dozen or more. 
Just then Dennis walked in! He saw Jack and I exchange guilty glances. 
 
‘You guys ain’t hogging all the M&Ms are you?’ he said, and with that he picked up a whole handful and shoved them all in his mouth at once! Two hours later the bowl was empty, the party was over and I went home. 
John Carradine said he’s give me a lift, but I walked. 
And now whenever I’m in a store and I see a packet of M&Ms I’m always reminded of that night.
I tried Shelley Winters once as well, but that’s another story…

THE CASTING COUCH: ROWENA WHITE



Rozza is a young British film-maker in training. She has high ambitions, much higher bouts of procrastination and wouldn’t mind penning a film on Julie D’Aubigny. She loves watching films equipped with tea or white wine and lots of food whilst in pyjamas and is rarely seen traipsing into a multiplex.



What the first film you ever saw and where did you see it?
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. My parents were foolish enough to purchase multiple Disney videos when I was a toddler and I ended up becoming obsessed with Snow White in particular; it didn’t help that the video included behind the scenes footage on how it was made! Telling other fellow film enthusiasts of my constant watch and rewind (rinse and repeat) of SWatSD is always a fun anecdote!
You’re in a screening. The man to your right pulls out his mobile phone and starts talking to his stock broker about the current price of aluminium. How do you feel?
I would be extremely frustrated to the point where I would feel inconsiderate if I were to move away from said man and end up blocking many other patrons’ views briefly. For understandable reasons of course!
You are briefly bestowed with the power to bring an actor back from the dead. Who would you choose and why?
ORSON WELLES, no argument! He was such a charismatic and clever individual that I can’t believe he got away with directing a massive film in his 20s (and I’m 20, better get shifting!). I’d love to sit down with him and discuss film theory over tea and cakes.
A giant robotic Octopus descends on New York City devouring citizens and wrecking buildings. How do you destroy it?
First I’d investigate via fourth wall if I’m actually in a Ray Harryhausen film (may the film deities bless his heart and brain) and then I’d want to know why the US Military aren’t already on the job like they are in EVERY NYC based monster film.
What is your favourite Doris Day film and why?
The Man Who Knew Too Much,  because it’s the only one I’ve seen! *Sniff*
Robert Redford offers you one million dollars to spend the night with him. What would you do?
If he’s asking for sex or any other kind of canoodling then I’d refuse politely. If he’s suggesting a simple ‘hang out’, then I’d get us to watch through his mainstream filmography because why not?
You are hired to write a sequel to the Shawshank Redemption. What would be your plot outline?
A married woman murders her lover when she finds out he was lying to her about stardom, is put in Crook County Jail and deals with a rival in the form of Cath- Whoops, accidentally wrote Chicago!
If you were forced to watch one film on a loop for the rest of your natural life, what would it be and why?
The Red Shoes because it gives me so many emotions and illustrates gorgeous visuals and I appreciate Boris Lermontov (Anton Walbrook).
Have you ever walked out of a film screening before it ended and why did you walk?
I tried to walk out of Drag Me To Hell because I genuinely didn’t enjoy it (I cried a lot) but my boyfriend at the time insisted that I cuddle him instead as emotional support. PFFT.
Who killed Roger Rabbit?
Don Hahn.