NEW YORK – Today Donald Trump announced that he was allowing Damian Lewis to play him in a new biopic of his life, provisionally entitled: Trump Towers.
News came shortly after Donald Trump announced he was running for the Presidency. He told reporters in the atrium of Trump Tower:
Damian Lewis is a very talented actor and I’m sure he’ll bring to the screen the intricate complexity of my character, whether it’s the nuances of me as a young asshole making a load of money and rising from the ranks of humble millionaires, to the reality TV show asshole telling idiots they’re fired. Or the new latest iteration of me the asshole candidate for President of the United States of America.
British actor Damian Lewis first made a name for himself in the HBO series Band of Brothers. His career has continued to make waves on US television with his portrayal of Marine Sgt. Nicholas Brody in Showtime’s Homeland, starring alongside Claire Danes and in Britain with the BBC show Wolf Hall in which he played Henry VIII.
He came into the Studio Exec bungalow to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the new role:
Of course, it will be a challenge. I think the key to Donald Trump has to be the hair and I know that Donald has a whole basement full of blind Peruvian children weaving it as we speak. Authenticity will be the key and they will make me the best and most convincing wig you’ll ever see.
What about reports that have named you as the new 007?
[With tears standing out in his eyes] I don’t think Donald would like that.
Trump Towers will be written and directed by Donald Trump himself. ‘I’ve already finished the screenplay, the first draft was perfection and so that’s the final draft as well,’ said Trump. ‘I know a lot of people are just waiting for me to fall on my big fat stupid looking face, but I can tell them now that is not going to happen. Damian is going to make me look great and everyone will worship me. It will be the first film that I will watch in the White House. You can mark my words.’
In a Homeland reunion it has also been revealed that Ivana Trump will be played by Claire Danes.
Trump Towers will be released in 2016.
|‘not an asshole?’
WASHINGTON – Just hours after Donald Trump announced to prestigious News program Fox and Friends that he was going to sue Bill Maher over the claim that he was the product of sex between a human and a orangutan, Kyle a sixteen year old male orangutan, currently resident of the National Zoo, Washington has also issued a complaint against Maher for defamation.
Maher had been making light of Donald Trump’s continued questioning of President Obama’s birth certificate, when he offered $5 million dollars for proof that Trump was not the product of a sexual union between an orangutan and a human. Trump later called Maher’s bluff, producing his birth certificate to Yahoo News. Now however, Kyle – on behalf of orangutans everywhere is also suing Maher, saying that the suggestion an orangutan could produce something like Donald Trump ‘is as preposterous as it is offensive.’
|Kyle fires off another email
His keepers at the zoo are unsurprised.
‘Ever since we taught him how to use an iPad he’s been firing off emails left, right and center,’ says Deke Harmon, head of the monkey house. ‘The other day I caught him watching some James Franco movie and just going bananas, I mean ape shit, no that doesn’t work either.’
HOLLYWOOD – As we enter 2013, Studio Exec casts a jaundiced eye over the young faces of yesteryear and asks where are they now.
Garfield was once everyone’s favorite cat, but soon he caught the eye of madman mogul Donald Trump who took a liking to the autumnal coloring of the animal’s fur, and thought it’d be a perfect addition to his follicle folly. Before you could say ‘You’re Fired!’ he had the moggy hunted, killed and skinned and the pelt lowered via helicopter onto his otherwise gleaming pate.
It’s been an interesting 2012 for Star Trek actor Paul Ryan, more familiar to viewers as comedy robot Data. With the cancellation of the television series and no more films in the offing, Ryan wiped off the make up and ran for the US Senate, putting his computational skills and way out charisma to another use as the running mate of Mitt Romney. ‘I was there to make Mitt look human,’ admitted Ryan later.
Many worried about the fate of young Billy Elliot once the popular film was over. Having danced his way into everyone’s hearts, it was obvious he was going to become an obnoxious drunk, but never fear. Liverpool Football Club (or Soccer team) took him on as a midfielder and he’s doing very well for himself! Go you Reds!
|Donald Tump (aerial shot)
|Sacha Baron Cohen
NEW YORK – Sacha Baron Cohen announced he is currently in the process of filming Shredded Wheat: The Donald Trump Story. ‘It’s very funny because we have actually been working on this story for years,’ said the comic actor and Ali G impersonator. ‘It is going to be funny when people see what was me and what was Donald, as in the real Donald. I’ve got him down pat, so I think people are going to be surprised.’
It has been confirmed that Cohen substituted Trump on several episodes of The Apprentice. ‘No one noticed,’ said Cohen. ‘I have a theory that everyone is fixated on his hair. So once you get that right, everything else falls into place.’
So all the ridiculous nonsense about the bet with Obama? That was you. Don’t you think it unethical to intervene in a political process?
No that was Donald. Although I think he might have sneaked into one of our script sessions pretending to be me and came away thinking it was a good idea.
The title seems a bit cryptic. A bit like Catfish or something. What does it mean?
You’re joking right.
Shredded Wheat: The Donald Trump Story is released on Christmas Day.