DALE COOPER TO HEAD FBI

HOLLYWOOD – Dale Cooper is the new head of the FBI, replacing James Comey.

The announcement came from the White House in the early hours of this morning. Special Agent Dale Cooper is to take over the position of Director of the FBI following the controversial sacking of former director, James Comey. Sean Spicer told waiting reporters from behind a vase in the Rose Garden.

President Trump has today announced that Dale Cooper is to take over the running of the FBI. Agent Cooper is an excellent agent, honorable and upstanding with many years of experience. You might remember the Laura Palmer case. What many people don’t know is that Agent Cooper also loves ‘damned fine coffee’. That’s a quote.

How did the President come to this decision? Was it a recommendation?

No. President Trump is a leader, strong and decisive. He was watching television late last night and a trailer for Twin Peaks came on. I’m not sure what it was about it, but he scribbled a name in crayon on the pad he keeps and sent me out to make this statement.

But Dale Cooper is a fictional character?

Yes. And?

Well, how can a fictional character run an enormous law enforcement agency with thousands of employees?

Exactly the way our President does. With strong and decisive leadership.

Will he continue the investigation into the Russian hacking of the election?

Did I mention he likes ‘damned fine coffee’. Oh, and he’s also a fan of pie.

Russia?

To be honest, Director Cooper seems to be more interested in catching real criminals. We’ve already put out a warrant for someone called ‘Bob.’

Dale Cooper will be installed later this week.

 

KENDALL JENNER DEPLOYED TO NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – President Trump deploys Kendall Jenner to North Korea.

President Trump today ordered Keeping up with the Kardashians star Kendall Jenner deployed to the western Pacific Ocean. She will provide a presence near the Korean peninsula. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said China agrees with the Trump administration. “We must take action” regarding North Korea.

Tillerson told CBS’s Face the Nation when Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping met at Mar-a-Lago this week. They “had extensive discussions around the dangerous situation in North Korea and the role that Ms. Jenner could play in de-escalating the situation”.

“President Xi clearly understands, and I think agrees, firstly that the situation has intensified and secondly it has reached a certain level of threat that action has to be taken,” Tillerson said. “Kendall has a long history of peace keeping – well since the middle of last week to be honest – but let’s face who in the administration can put their hand over their hearts and say they are genuinely qualified. I know I can’t!”

Gandhi 2: the Kendall Jenner Story will be released in 2019.

BILL O’REILLY AND BILL COSBY TO STAR IN DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Disgraced Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and disgraced comedian Bill Cosby are teaming up to star in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Bill O’Reilly and Bill Cosby are to star in a remake of the iconic Frank Oz comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The original, a remake of 1964 David Niven and Marlon Brando comedy Bedtime Story, starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as a pair of con men working the French Riviera. We spoke to the star of the O’Reilly Factor star as he got into character and asked him if the move to film acting was due to his recent controversies regarding sexual harassment:

No. Absolutely not. I get along with Bill. Have done for many years. So we were kicking around the idea of doing something. This has nothing to do with the claims by women about the other stuff.

But Bill Cosby himself…

He has been maligned but again, this is a separate issue and has nothing to do with the film. We wanted to make a light-hearted comedy anyone can enjoy. We have a great script.

Who wrote the script?

Woody Allen.

Well, there you go again.

What?

Nothing.

Furthermore, we have a wonderful director. Roman…

Polanski.

How did you know?

A wild guess. Is there anyone involved in this movie who hasn’t been accused of some sort of sexual abuse?

Finally, the President himself is on board as an Executive Producer.

Abusive Pieces of Shit will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

OLIVER STONE OVERDOSES ON CONSPIRACY

HOLLYWOOD – Oliver Stone rushed to hospital with a suspected overdose of conspiracy.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone was rushed to hospital last night following a suspected conspiracy overdose. Fortunately this morning he was well enough to talk to the Studio Exec via one of those voice scramblers serial killers use when they taunt the police:

Hey Exec! How’s it going?

Good. How are you Oliver?

I’ve been better. This is a dark period for me. Trump is in the White House. Hillary Clinton is in the woods. The FBI and the NSA are testifying in a hearing. The chairman of the hearing is running round to the White House to tell the President what’s going on. Thereby sabotaging his own hearing. It’s dark times indeed.

Is it as bad as when you directed Alexander?

Let’s not go over the top. It’s bad but nothing can compare to Colin Farrell in a tunic.

So what happened?

As you know I’ve been someone who has been interested in secret machinations of power all my life. Whether it’s Nixon or JFK, or producing my Secret History of the USA documentary. But this stuff is the good stuff. I’ve never mainlined something so pure before. You have Russians, Wikileaks, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. And I haven’t mentioned Jeff Sessions and Michael Flynn. Or the Christopher Steele dossier or the fact that the Russians mentioned have started dropping like flies. Flies that have been shot and poisoned. Goddamn this stuff is powerful.

Are you going to make a film about it?

I’d love to, but who will believe it. I mean, we’re watching it unfold right now in front of our eyes and we don’t believe. I guess you could just watched Natural Born Killers again. That pretty much sums it all up.

What do you think is going to happen?

I don’t know. The doctors have prescribed that I watch nothing but Sesame Street for a year.

But Trump’s budget is going to cancel that.

Motherfucker!

Oliver Stone’s Secret History of the United States of America Volume Ten Trumped Up will be released in 2018.

INDIANA JONES 5 A NATIONAL PRIORITY, SAYS TRUMP

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump placed Indiana Jones 5 at the top of his budget yesterday.

President Trump – two words as unappealing as edible toilet – mentioned only one movie in his budget – Indiana Jones 5. In a statement the White House said:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the best Indiana Jones movie ever. The President believes it is in the national interest that the sequel, Indiana Jones 5 goes ahead. As soon as we can. Before Harrison Ford crashes his plane again. So basically before next Thursday.

Steven Spielberg welcomed the president’s proclamation as well as the funds which the budget will allocate to the movie. $50 million are to be given to the studio which makes the next Indiana Jones films, money which will be raised by selling poor children to the rich men.

Indiana Jones and the Beautiful Kremlin of Bigly will be released in 2018.

CLINT EASTWOOD SENT TO NEGOTIATE FOLLOWING SWEDEN INCIDENT

STOCKHOLM – Clint Eastwood travels to Sweden to help with aftermath of the Sweden incident.

Donald Trump has dispatched veteran actor Clint Eastwood to Sweden where he is to serve as a negotiator following the Sweden Incident. Despite attempts by the mainstream media to ignore the case, it emerged last night that a major incident occurred in Sweden after all the furniture in IKEA somehow achieved consciousness and was recruited by ISIS. Eastwood – the chair whisperer – has unique qualifications to talk the home furnishings back from the brink.

Haagan Daz the Swedish Prime Minister today issued a statement of appreciation to the US President:

This is the worst case of everything since the Bowling Green Massacre.

Clint Eastwood’s latest film American Diaper will be released in 2018.

IMAX VIRTUAL REALITY OFFERS USA WITHOUT DONALD TRUMP

LOS ANGELES – New IMAX Virtual Reality experience She Won offers viewers the chance to experience an America without Donald Trump.

Yesterday on Fairfax Avenue, LA saw the unveiling of the flagship IMAX VR center. Viewers in 14 pods had the opportunity to experience reality without Donald Trump. Director Arnold Mercurio talked EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

The idea is simple. You get to see the same new programs and award shows but the President has been replaced with the one who actually won the popular vote by over three million votes. There’s no Muslim Ban, no references to a Winter White House, no sabre rattling with China and no collusion with Russia.

Although the audience is largely expected to be made up of disgruntled Democrats, some Republicans are also enjoying the experience. John McCain and Arnold Schwarzenegger both bought a ticket and Ivanka Trump briefly visited and noted with delight that her clothing line was doing really well.

She Won will go on general release Friday.

MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg will star in Peter Berg’s new film The Bowling Green Massacre.

Following Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day, Mark Wahlberg continues his chronically of bad things happening with The Bowling Green Massacre. Based on an original story by Kellyanne Conway, the film tells the story of how refugees/terrorists killed over one million people in a single day.

Mark Wahlberg spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The difficulty of making the film lay in the fact that there is such a cover up. I’ve tried to research what happened but it’s almost impossible. I mean I can find literally no trace of the event. And to think over a million people were killed by these refugees/terrorists. It’s almost as if the cover up must reach to the highest echelons. Is that the word? Echelons?

Yes. Do you think this involves President Obama?

I don’t want to make political statements. My films are always about entertaining and informing. Except for The Italian Job and The Happening. Those films were just …urgh. But I feel this topic is so important. Everyone of us knows where we were when we heard about the Bowling Green Massacre. Almost all of us were on Twitter. We have to let the children know about this, so it never happens again.

The Bowling Green Massacre will be released on Tuesday.

TRUMP GIVES BARON VLADIMIR HARKONNEN NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL SPOT

WASHINGTON – President Trump adds Vladimir Harkonnen to the National Security Council.

President Trump signed a memorandum late Saturday afternoon that reorganizes the National Security Council (NSC), including Vladimir Harkonnen, the former Siridar of Giedi Prime and his chief strategist and senior counselor, as well as Feyd-Rautha, his chief of staff, on its principals committee. The decision is unusual because such positions are not normally given to political operatives. Harkonnen, along with his relative the Beast, has been among the most controversial of Trump’s advisors, because of his association with the Spice trade.

The order also said the Director of National Intelligence and the Chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff would no longer be automatic principals on the committee. Trump said the reorganization is meant to streamline the NSC. He said it would bring “a lot of efficiency and, I think, a lot of additional safety,” The Washington Post reported.

“People have talked about doing this for a long time. Like, many years.”

The memorandum read that “Baron Harkonnen has a great deal of experience in this kind of thing and has the prettiest first name.”

Donald Trump is still the President of the United States of America.

MADS MIKKELSEN TO PLAY VLADIMIR PUTIN

HOLLYWOOD – Mads Mikkelsen plays Vladimir Putin in a new biopic of the Russian leader.

Nicolas Winding Refn confirmed that he had found his Putin. Refn regular Mads Mikkelsen is to take the role in the new movie Vlad the Impaler. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the Hannibal star had this to say:

I love working with Nicolas so I read any script he sends me. This one looks like a home run. We trace the life of the Russian leader from when he was a naive young KGB man to the giddy heights of power. And yes, we detail the relationships that have mattered most to him. Yeltsin, Gorbachev and Trump. We go there. And you know Nicolas, it gets pretty extreme.

Like Only God Forgives?

And Valhalla Rising too.

How are you preparing for the role?

The same as I did for Hannibal but without the cooking.

Vlad the Impaler will be released in 2018.

 

DONALD TRUMP EXPELS SCOTT BAIO BY ACCIDENT

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump accidentally expelled Scott Baio earlier today.

‘I thought he was an illegal!’ A panicked Donald Trump allegedly yelled at his White House after signing an executive order that expelled Happy Days star Scott Baio.

The kerfuffle came when President Trump’s pen ran out of ink while signing executive orders to stop poor people from using gravity. Sean Spicer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

An exciting moment and President Trump turns to me. And said: ‘We should expel Scott Baio.’ I was taken aback. But I immediately got the Executive Order written up and he signed it. It was only later I was told he had actually said ‘Has anyone got a biro?’ which admittedly doesn’t sound that similar.

The order states that Charles in Charge actor Scott Baio has 12 hours to leave the territory of the United States of America or he will be seized and forcibly removed.

Baio was seen to be hastily gathering his belongings including his 1981 Most Promising Performer TV Award and tearfully waving goodbye to his wife and children, who have elected to stay.

V FOR VENDETTA 2 WILL BE SET IN US

HOLLYWOOD – A sequel to the cult dystopian thriller V for Vendetta will be based in the USA.

Producers are setting V for Vendetta 2 in the United States. The 2005 thriller achieved cult success on its release. The Guy Fawkes mask worn by V (Hugo Weaving) has since entered the cultural psyche for groups such as Anonymous. Natalie Portman returns as Evey. She spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The relevance of the original movie is so strong today, it’s hard to escape. So we decided that Evey has moved across the Atlantic to the US in order to escape a resurgent fascist government in the UK. However, in America instead of welcome she finds an even more brutal state of affairs. Mass distraction, unprecedented surveillance, the government peopled by corporate lackeys and a supreme leader called Drumpf who has fooled the populace that he is the the solution with his party The New Wind.

Are there any parallels with the new administration?

None at all.

V for Vendetta 2 will be released in 2018.

CELEBRITY PRESIDENT BEGINS 4 YEAR SEASON

WASHINGTON – New reality show Celebrity President begins, starring Donald Trump.

Donald Trump begins his new TV show Celebrity President with a season that’s due to last four years. Cameras will follow the family Trump as he is thrown into a series of situations for which he has absolutely no qualifications to handle. Executive producer, Billy Bush spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We wanted to come up with something that would be really entertaining and also scary. Celebrity President is going to be that. We’ll follow the Donald very close, and we’ll be throwing him challenges every now and then. We’re looking to China and North Korea. He can call a friend – who he’s already nominated. One Vladimir Sputin. I don’t know who that is.

The exciting new viewing experience will be available across a whole host of stations and the internet.

Celebrity President will be showing until 2020.

DONALD TRUMP RELEASES ALBUM

NEW YORK – President Elect Donald Trump has released an album of standards.

To celebrate his inauguration, incoming President Donald Trump releases an album of beautiful songs, telling stories of his travels. The press release states:

“In The Wee Small Hours” is a celebration of a man who ‘did it his way’, a man who has been ‘a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king’. President Elect Trump is asking you to ‘Come Fly with Him’ with twenty greats. From ‘I’ve got you (Under my thin skin)’ to ‘The Lady is a Nasty Tramp’, Trump gives his own spin to some of the American songbook’s greatest hits, including a duet with Ivanka Trump ‘Somethin’ Stupid’ and a dedication to his doctor ‘You Make Me Feel So Young’.

Donald Trump will be singing at his own inauguration.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.