DONALD TRUMP – PINK FLAMINGOS 2: EAT SHIT AND DIE

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump to star in Pink Flamingos 2: Eat Shit And Die.

Newly deposed fascist despot Donald Trump stars in Pink Flamingos 2: Eat Shit And Die. The Exec caught up with the director John Waters to discuss the sequel to his 1972 dog-poop noshing comedy classic.

Thanks for coming to the Exec bungalow for a chat. Tell us about your new movie.

Firstly, can I just say what a delightful bungalow you got here. It’s always pleasure to meet up with The Exec. But let’s get down to business; Pink Flamingos 2: Eat Shit And Die will be a companion piece rather a sequel, in the traditional sense of the word.

How so?

I’m glad you asked me that. Rather than subverting America’s view of itself by using gross-out tactics and guerrilla style film making, I’ve got Donald Trump to star in it.

Donald Trump Pink Flamingos. Wow. That’s quite a ballsy move.

Thank you Mr Exec. I called him up and said to him that now he’s off Twitter and pretty much every social media platform, he needs to get his face out there. If his brand is to carry on squeezing his slack-jawed, entitled, mouth breathing, racist demographic, he’s gotta stay relevant. You know what? The prick went for it.

Who will Trump play? Will it be the role Divine played, ‘Babs Johnson’?

Fuck, no. Divine was a talented comic genius with a huge sense of humanity, compared to Trump. As most are. Trump is going to play Babs Johnson’s adopted son, Boris.

Donald Trump is going to play… Boris Johnson?

Yeah, that’s right. And you know what happens in the film? The title kinda gives it away. He spends 145 minutes eating shit. Every kind of shit you can think of. There’s dog shit, cat shit, cow shit, bull shit, ape shit, diarrhoea, baby shit, pensioner shit and pig shit. So he sits at a big fucking gold table in Mar-A-Largo and brought plate after plate of shit, and you know who brings it to him?

No. Who?

Mexicans. Muslims. Black people. Disabled people. Rape victims. Child abuse victims. People who can’t afford healthcare. Just ordinary decent folk who care about people that are different to them. They all bring him shit. So he just chows right down on it. Then the fucker dies. Chokes on shit. Fade to pink.

Take my money now. Thank you John Waters.

Fuckin A, bubba.

Pink Flamingos 2: Eat Shit And Die starts filming in March.

JON VOIGHT BACKS JOE BIDEN

HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking turn of events, Hollywood actor Jon Voight announced his backing for Joe Biden in the upcoming election.

Staunch conservative and Deliverance star, Jon Voight today announced that he would endorse former Vice President Joe Biden Jr. for President of the United States. Voight for many has been only one of few conservative voices in the Hollywood acting community. However, Hollywood was reeling when Voight announced via his personal YouTube channel his change of heart. He is his statement in full:

Fellow Americans. I wish today to announce that I endorse Joe Biden for President. And I do so in full knowledge that many will feel shock at this decision. To fully explain it, I’m afraid we’re going to have to go back to 1978 when I was filming a beautiful movie you may recall called The Champ. The film was a tough one. I went through a lot of physical training to get into shape. In order for the boxing to be realistic, we really went at it. At one point, my sparring partner hit me very hard and in falling I hit my head on a stool that had been carelessly left in the ring.

It was very similar to that scene in Clint’s Million Dollar Baby. Fortunately, although I had to go to hospital, the injury was not life threatening. However, my friends and family soon noticed a change in me. Prior to the injury I had been an opened minded, liberal thinking young actor, no different from many from my milieu. I even used words like milieu! But post head injury I became increasingly unhinged. I would talk non-stop about America, liberty, patriotism and the threat the Democrats posed.

Donald Trump

For many years my family did their best to hide my condition from the public. But the rise of Donald Trump triggered something in me. I became increasingly vocal, spouting all sorts of nonsensical guff when I wasn’t making Ray Donovan. I can only imagine what my co-stars and fans must have thought of the bilious tripe I spouted day after day. Well, as you might know I’m no longer the fresh faced scamp who made Midnight Cowboy. I’m 81. And as is common for one my age we tend to be unsteady on our pins. Yesterday, I had a fall as I was getting out of the hot tub and gave myself such a crack on the noggin, I can’t even… I yowled. There was blood everywhere.

Fortunately, the paramedics showed up and a scan at the hospital revealed an old lesion which had impeded brain function, according to the surgeon. The crack on the head had actually resolved that problem. Within hours, I began to hate immigrants less. By the next morning, I thought the universal health care was a right not a privilege. And as I was watching the latest Trump rally, a thought formed in my aching head: “Who is this asshole?”

It was my Damascene moment. The scales fell from my eyes. We have to do something about the environment.

I immediately realized I would have to publicly disavow my former political statements as the rantings of a very ill man. My only regret is that AOC isn’t running, but perhaps in four years, who knows? And so I urge you, my fellow Americans, for the sake of the Nation, vote Joe Biden and lets get back to less brain damaged times.

Jon Voight stars in the AMC TV movie Woody Guthrie: Bound for Glory.

PERSON WOMAN MAN CAMERA TV BOUGHT BY NETFLIX

WASHINGTON – Netflix to make new show based on President Trump’s cognitive test, entitled: Person Woman Man Camera TV.

President Donald Trump is returning to television with a new Netflix show entitled: Person Woman Man Camera TV. The show to be produced by Mark Burnett will be the first Netflix quiz show. We spoke with a source close to the show:

We’re really excited about this. It’s the first time Netflix have ever done a quiz show, so just that is new territory. The format is going to be very simple. I mean, it kinda has to be. Anyhoot, President Trump is the host. A few laughs, a song and time to meet the contestants. He scores the women and defeats the men in a handshaking competition. Then we go into the animal identification round. The contestants get to see some animals and they have to say what they are.

Tough.

I know, right. Especially the way Don Jr’s going. Am I right? Then there’s the quick fire round.

Like a series of short questions on general knowledge?

No. We set the studio on fire and the first contestant to notice and shout ‘quick, fire!’ wins ten points. Whoever has the most points goes head to head with President Trump on the remember five words in the correct order challenge.

And what are the prizes?

Well, if the contestant wins, they have to go again until the President wins. If the President wins he gets to sleep with your youngest female relative.

That’s disgusting. 

That’s the game. I don’t know where he got it from. Some neighbor in Palm Springs I heard. So, it’s going to be a lot of fun and everyone’s going to see a side of the President that we don’t usually get to see.

Person Woman Man Camera TV drops on Netflix this week.

LARRY VAUGHN TO HEAD THE CDC

AMITY – Former Mayor of Amity, Larry Vaughn tapped to head the CDC.

Unsuccessful presidential candidate and popular mayor Larry Vaughn will take over the CDC from Friday, the White House announced today. Robert Redfield currently heads the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, but will step down. Vaughn first came to prominence during his tenure as mayor of Amity, a small town which was terrorized by a Great White Shark. It is this experience of crisis management which caught President Donald Trump’s eye.

A source from the White House told the Studio Exec:

Larry has lots of experience. He knows how to balance public safety with the need to keep the economy running. We’re also looking to the long term. We would like everything to be back to normal by July the 4th, something he is keen on also.

Vaughn himself told the press he looks forward to taking over the position.

I see myself and President Trump as very much cast from the same mold. We’re both businessmen, but we’re also fathers, and even grandfathers, I think. Coronavirus is getting all the headlines at the moment but people don’t seem to realise that sharks are now an endangered species. Surely, the time has come to wipe them out entirely.

Larry Vaughn is available for Bar Mitzvahs, Birthday Parties and public speaking engagements.

SPIKE LEE’S NEW JOINT TO DEAL WITH DONALD TRUMP

Donald Trump is to be the subject of Spike Lee’s new joint The 25th Amendment. 

BlackKklansman already made it clear – as if it were a mystery – that director Spike Lee is no fan of Donald Trump. But what we didn’t know is that his next film is going to take on the 45th President of the United States of America directly. 

The 25th Amendment is going to be a remake of the 25th Hour but with Donald Trump taking over the role played by Edward Norton in the original. An old friend of the Studio Exec Spike spoke EXCLUSIVELY about his plans:

Hey SE, how’s it hanging? I been going crazy about this Trump situation. That orange muthafucka is just an out and out racist. So I got the idea of his cabinet invoking the 25th Amendment and it’s his last day in office and he just goes walkabout. It’s gonna be a New York movie like the original and at the end that muthafucka is getting his ass thrown in jail, Mueller style.

So it’ll be the same ending as well?

No. Because when Eddie goes to jail at the end of the original, you’re kinda sorry he’s going. This is goin’ to be a happy ending.


Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

25th Amendment will be out in 2020.

ROSEANNE TO FEATURE DONALD TRUMP GUEST SPOT

HOLLYWOOD – ABC’s new sitcom Roseanne will feature a cameo from President Donald Trump.

Revived sitcom Roseanne will have a high powered guest star in the coming episodes. President Donald Trump is apparently so enamored of the show he called star Roseanne and offered to appear in an episode.

A source close to the show had this to say:

Roseanne has spoken with the President and he was keen to get on the show as quickly as possible. I know that we already have some story lines worked out, including Roseanne getting a job as Trump’s communications director, following the departure of Hopes Hicks. The only thing we’re not clear about is whether this is just a story or whether the President intends to take on the comedian in the role as well as appear in the episode.

Other possible story lines include POTUS grabbing Roseanne’s pussy cat when it leaps on his lap. And confessing he has a cat allergy.

Roseanne airs on ABC.

 

LIAM NEESON AND ALEC BALDWIN SOLVE WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin have stepped in and solved women.

The world breathed a sigh of relief last night after news broken that Liam Neeson and Alec Baldwin had got together and solved women.

Alec Baldwin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was looking a bit tricky back there. Lots of people were wondering how it was going to pan out. There’s the #MeToo movement and then there’s also #TimesUp. And what’s going on with Kevin Spacey and Woody Allen and Aziz Anzari. Luckily though I had a big think about it and I worked it all out.

Liam Neeson added:

Women are very complicated creatures. Some would say they’re deadlier than the male. But statistics actually prove that isn’t the case. It’s a myth.

What qualifies you to solve women?

LN: I have a particular set of skills.

AB: I was good on 30 Rock. And I’ve played Donald Trump to huge acclaim.

But that isn’t…?

LN: I was Zeus for crying out loud. Of course I can do it. I commanded a battleship in that film… what was it?

AB: Battleship?

LN: The A Team I think it was.

Is there a risk that a pair of privileged white men talking about this issue lack authority?

LN: You have to ask why are we privileged?

AB: Maybe we know something you don’t know.

LN: I, for instance, have a particular set of skills.

You keep saying that. But aren’t you worried people will think you are condescending? Maybe even misogynistic?

AB: How can I be misogynistic? I love women.

LN: When my daughter — DAUGHTER — was kidnapped, I not only found her, I killed about thirty guys. Then my wife and daughter – both of them women, you’ll note – got kidnapped again, I killed about thirty. I must admit the third time they tried to kidnap my wife I was thinking, how come the silly bitch keeps getting kidnapped? But I still avenged her death, with more violence.

Commuter is in cinemas. I don’t know what Alec Baldwin is doing.

JUDD APATOW SECURES MOVIE RIGHTS TO FIRE AND FURY: INSIDE THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – Movie rights of Michael Wolff’s bestselling book Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House have been sold to Judd Apatow.

Judd Apatow today confirmed that he has bought the rights to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. The book has topped best seller lists all over and has rocked the political world. Apatow spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the movie version:

It was a no-brainer that this was going to be a great film. Aside from the palace intrigue and the thousands of great moments that are packed into Michael’s book, it is also a flat out comedy. It turns out that we can do a gross out comedy in the style of Dirty Grandpa and it still be the most politically astute portrait of our times.

Who will play the role of Donald Trump?

Again a no-brainer! Alec Baldwin has essentially been auditioning for this movie, even before the movie existed. Other roles are going to be more challenging to fill. We don’t necessarily want to go completely Saturday Night Live. After all, this is also supposed to be a realistic account of what happens inside the corridors of power and we need to make that credible.

So who’ve you got?

We want the guy whose head melts in Raiders of the Lost Ark to play Stephen Miller and for KellyAnne Conway we’re looking for the Jim Henson workshop to give us something. We were modelling it on a Fraggle. Steve Bannon is a major character – Mel Gibson is a little old, but for sheer insanity James Woods would be perfect. Jared Kushner and Ivanka are going to be played by Sasha Baron Cohen in one of those half and half costumes, so that viewed in one profile he’ll be Jared and then he’ll turn around and he’ll be Ivanka.

Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House will be released in 2019.

DORA THE EXPLORER LIVE ACTION FILM TO FEATURE THE WALL

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay’s live action version of Dora the Explorer will be very political.

Michael Bay spoke about his new live action version of the Nickelodeon TV show Dora the Explorer today.

The Transformers and Pearl Harbor director told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he wants a Dora that is suited to Trump’s America. He said:

When Dora first came out the world was a different place. Most of us watched it with a sense of innocence. Little did we know that Dora actually comes from a world of rapists and criminals. Since Donald Trump’s election, I’ve decided to rewrite the script and now we’re going Dora going to the American border and discovering the wall. Will she be able to go over it? Will her backpack help her in some way? I can’t tell you yet, but I’ve got a feeling no.

Surely this is politicizing children’s television.

Well, the left wing did it first with Sesame Street. All that bullshit about the people in your neighborhood and having to speak Spanish. All we’re going to do is try to balance things up a little.

But at least Dora will give a positive role model for Mexican girls. 

Yes. I’m sure Emma will do a great job.

Emma?

Emma Stone. She’s playing Dora.

Dora the Explorer comes out in 2019.

 

JIMMY FALLON: ‘I’M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN COMEDY’

HOLLYWOOD – Jimmy Fallon told Chapeau magazine that ‘I’m not really that interested in comedy’.

The host of the Tonight Show Jimmy Fallon in an interview with Luigi Gris from Chapeau Magazine stated that: ‘He was not really that interested in comedy.’

‘I’m just not that into making people laugh,’ Fallon, 43, said.

It’s just not what I do. I think it’d be weird for me to start doing it now. I don’t really even, you know, care that much about comedy — I’ve got to be honest. Money: I love money more than I love comedy. I’m just not that brain, you know?

Fallon went on to praise the other late night hosts.

I think the other guys are doing it very well. Colbert’s doing great — I mean, that’s what he’s good at. He’s great. He’s always into like, political comedy. I think when it’s organic, I’ve sometimes tried telling a joke and it just has never gone down that well. Parody is about as good  as it gets. And not even parody. Just where we dress up like the thing we’re spoofing and people laugh because I look like Bryan Cranston or something. It’s more Cosplay than comedy to be honest.

Jimmy Fallon will appear in History’s Greatest Monsters on Discovery in 2020.

SEAN SPICER TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.

Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:

I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!

Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?

That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

How does Donald Trump feel about your job?

He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.

The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.

 

MICHAEL BAY PARACHUTES IN TO GUAM

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay parachuted into Guam late last night.

The Transformers and The Rock director Michael Bay has been dropped over Guam, sources say. The freshly appointed Special Envoy to South East Asia, President Trump said that he appointed Mr. Bay because of his experience with explosive action sequences. An insider praised the move:

Michael is the perfect choice for this role. The situation is amazingly confusing. No one knows what is going on. There’s a very good chance it won’t end well. In other words, this looks exactly like a Michael Bay movie.

What will Bay do in Guam?

Hopefully act as a deterrent. We know that Kim Jong Il is a huge fan of Bad Boys 2. If they nuke Guam, we’re saying they’ll never see a Bad Boys 3.

But Kim Yong Il was the father. The leader is Kim Jong Un now.

Then we’re fucked.

Ah!

I suppose if I want look on the bright side, it means we’re probably not going to see another Transformers movie ever again.

Michael Bay will be directing Apocalypse ASAP.

 

JOHNNY DEPP ARRESTED FOR ASSASSINATION PLOT

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was arrested last night by the British police for plotting the assassination of President Donald Trump.

Johnny Depp is currently being held in a police cell in an undisclosed location in Great Britain awaiting extradition to the United States where he will be expected to stand trial for threatening the life of the President of the USA. If found guilty, he could face life in prison. Depp apparently revealed his plot during an appearance at the Glastonbury Festival, a three day music event deep in the English countryside. In the early hours of this morning, anti-terrorism police swooped in to capture the Jack Sparrow actor in the lounge bar of the local hotel. In a statement released by law enforcement, a spokesperson said this:

We take all assassination threats very seriously indeed. Especially of a foreign head of state. Some have suggested Depp was saying a joke but to everyone there it was obvious that he wasn’t joking in that it wasn’t funny. And jokes are funny. So answer that. Depp had a plan and even identified that the assassin would be an actor. Johnny Depp works as an actor and so we put two and two together.

Lawyers for Johnny Depp claimed that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

The police received a tip off from a woman who sounded like the actress from Drive Angry and The Rum Diary. They acted on this information, but we’ll clear this whole thing up soon enough. As long as Johnny doesn’t insist on paying me in cotton balls again. The whole case doesn’t make any sense. If he really wanted to do it, why would he announce it to an audience of thousands of people? In a filmed event?

However, security consultants have stated that this kind of anticipated confession represents a common tactic of double bluff. John Wilkes Booth openly spoke of assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘as a joke’ before then actually assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘for reals’.

On the bright side, it looks unlikely that there’ll be another Pirates of the Caribbean film in the near future.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ALEX JONES

HOLLYWOOD – Megyn Kelly’s new boyfriend is in the news but what do we really know about Alex Jones.

We sent the Studio Exec ALTERNATE FACT Squad to find out about who Alex Jones really is.

1. Alex Jones is a conspiracy and a false flag. The CIA or the NSA invented him to make everyone despair of the future of the human race. Thomas Pynchon once wrote: ‘Get them asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter if they find the answers.’ Jones is the patron saint of the wrong questions.

2. Alex Jones started his career as a choir boy and had a hit singing the theme song ‘I’m Walking in the Air’ t the Raymond Briggs animated feature The Snowman.

3. During his divorce, Alex Jones confessed to being a kind of performance artist. He also worked as a trapeze artist, a tightrope walker, a sword-swallower and human shaped receptacle for bile and filth.

4. Jabba the Hutt and Alex Jones have never been seen in the same room at the same time.

5. Among the many controversies Jones has embroiled himself in with all the sensitivity of a knuckle and the intellect of a clam, the most famous was the claim that the Sandy Hook school shooting was faked. His claim led to the harassment of some of the parents of the dead children by online trolls, convinced that they were part of some conspiracy.  The lack of empathy, the certainty of rightness without any evidence or intellectual support, the leap from supposition to conclusion with none of the intervening stages of – you know, thinking it through, asking people etc. – the bullish stubborn dumbness of this raspy voiced rat-penised asshole makes it no surprise that President Donald Trump likes and admires him. The unflushed toilet of America has a face and it is that of Alex Jones.

For more FACTS click HERE.