SKELETOR TO GET HIS OWN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the massive success of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe in the 1980s, arch-villain Skeletor is to get his own movie.

Frank Langella has announced that his next film will be Skeletor. He told the Studio Exec:

When you get to be my age, you start to look around you and choose your films very carefully. What would you like to be your legacy? What do you regret? What can you fix? When it comes down to it the movie Masters of the Universe was not the hit Mattel or I thought it would be. I know that Dolph was very hard hit by the performance of the film, which wasn’t a flop you understand, but wasn’t the hit we all hoped it would be. I don’t think his career ever really recovered. A light went out in his eyes.

So Skeletor?

Yes, absolutely. I was proud of my performance and I talked to Mattel and we decided let’s revisit it and this time do it right.

But you’re quite older now.

I am and that will be the point. He-Man is dying in Grey Skull and Skeletor sits in Snake Mountain, brooding over his enemy’s imminent demise. He realizes that in many ways the two of them have been friends. They need each other and so Skeletor decides on one last fight to try and save his erstwhile enemy and now his last remaining friend.

Sounds touching.

It’s like the Bucket List, but with swords and magic.  Dolph is very happy with the script. His little eyes lit up like all those dreadful Expendable films had never happened.

Skeletor will be released in 2018.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MISS UNIVERSE

HOLLYWOOD – Paulina Vega is the new Miss Universe and the Studio Exec FACT squad gives you the FACTS about the beauty competition which has done more than any other to promote world peace, while looking gorgeous.

1. Miss Universe is a complete misnomer as every single contestant since its inception has come from the planet Earth.

2. The Miss Universe competition survives as a remnant of an ancient civilization that worshiped women for their beauty and thought they shouldn’t do so much of the talkie-talk and just smile and be pretty instead.

3. Although the final televised competition is based on bathing wear and evening dresses, smiling and looking insipid, the initial qualifying rounds require contestants to strangle kittens and write convincing dissertations on Quantum mechanics and the inner workings of Russian foreign policy. This is kept secret.

4. Although traditional female, Dolph Lundgren won the 1983 edition which led to him being cast as Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.

5. The Miss Universe competition is a complete waste of time, just sexist horse sh*t and I can’t believe I’ve wasted my time and your time writing about it. I’m deeply ashamed of myself. And you.

For more FACTS click HERE.

THE EXPENDABLES DEPLOYED AGAINST ISIS

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has announced that he is to deploy the Expendables to Iraq to join the offensive against ISIS.

The President said that the force led by Sylvester Stallone would be the first troops on the ground, but as they are a mercenary force the move does not represent the return of a US presence. Stallone said that he was psyched at the opportunity:

Me, Jason Statham and Jet Li are going to lead the men into action for the first time. We’re a multi-national force and we’re all highly trained in weapons use and martial arts. Add to this Dolph Lundgren is classically trained in the Stanislavksi method and Mel Gibson is what we call a Berserker. At first the Studio was dead against our involvement, but after our film The Expendables 3 came out, the Studio changed their line. They must have realized how effective we’d be on the battleground. They couldn’t see us go fast enough.

Jason Statham says that the force will be inserted into the north of the country where the heaviest fighting is taking place. He insisted that:

… we are not there as some kind of entertainment troupe. We are there to fight. Many people criticize actors as just pretending all the time. Well, I can tell you, with these guys there’s very little acting going on. It’s all action.

The Expendables are already on route to Iraq where they will be joined by Mel Gibson who is already fighting at another location in the Middle East.

The Expendables 3 is in cinemas currently or available for illegal download.

 

 

5 HISTORICAL INACCURACIES IN ROCKY IV

HOLLYWOOD – Everyone knows that Sylvester Stallone‘s 1985 boxing film Rocky IV was based on a real fight that took place in 1982 but despite writer/director/ star Stallone’s commitment to authenticity there are a few inconsistencies spotted by the eagle-eyed Studio Exec FACT squad.

1. Rocky’s Russian opponent, Ivan Drago, played in the film by Dolph Lungren, is portrayed as a muscle bound 6 ft 5 giant with blond hair and a wife called Ludmilla, played by Sylvester Stallone’s then wife Brigitte Nielsen, but in real life Ivan Drago was actually married to a woman called Ivana. 

2.  When Rocky initially refuses to fight Drago, old enemy turned friend Apollo Creed (played by Carl Weathers) takes on the challenge and is killed in the ring [Spoiler].  The pre-show has James Brown performing ‘Living in America’. In reality, James Brown sang a cover version of the Rolling Stones hit ‘Brown Sugar’.

3. Rocky’s brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young) owns a comedy robot called Sico. Although not an inaccuracy as such, the film neglects to mention that this robot was developed by Skynet and would later be instrumental in taking over the world.

4. During the training sequence, Ivan is shown using high-tech equipment to supplement his training and Rocky by contrast goes running in the snow. In actual fact, Rocky Balboa occasionally punched computers as well, but only to destroy them because he feared that one day Skynet would take over the world. 

5. The conclusion of the film shows Rocky winning the fight and also winning over the affection of the Russian audience. He gives an inspirational speech which is applauded even by the General Secretary of the Communist Party, and which includes the passage ‘If I can change and you can change, then everyone can change.’ In actual fact, the real Rocky Balboa said: ‘I beat your best man you dirty commie bastards!’ and was chased from the stadium by an angry mob, almost unleashing nuclear Armageddon on the world.

For more FACTS click HERE!