BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH’S FEET INSURED FOR £50

HOLLYWOOD – Top insurance firm have insured Benedict Cumberbatch’s feet for £50.

Sherlock and Doctor Strange actor Benedict Cumberbatch is a man of many talents. But perhaps his most widely appreciated are his feet. So much so that the actor has taken out an insurance policy with Dombey and Co Insurers to the tune of £50. We talked to Mr. Karol Dombey himself about his most famous client.

We didn’t actually know who Mr. Cumberbatch was until last Wednesday when he turned up to our offices in flip flops. When he told us he wanted his feet insured, we understood that they are apparently one of his most valuable assets.

How so?

Well, to begin with, the feet support the rest of his alabaster body and maintain its upright position which many find endearing.

And so if anything happens to his feet…?

Then we will compensate him to the tune of £50.

What if something happens to just one foot?

Then it will be £25 a foot. £50 for the set.

Does this cover just accidents or also ailments?

Ailments?

Like athlete’s foot for instance. Or an ingrowing toenail.

No. That doesn’t sound serious enough. We’re more thinking of a scything accident or a landmine. In fact both those eventualities were very specifically laid out in the policy. But athlete’s foot? I mean what’s that? It’s just itchy isn’t it? You can’t insure itchiness!

Why are his feet so valuable?

It’s a sex thing. Obvs. People look at his feet and they feel all weird. Sick and happy at the same time. Like you’ve been tickled too much.

But £50 doesn’t sound that much. I mean, he’s worth millions. 

Maybe not to you, but I’m sure you haven’t factored in the money he’d save on shoes should he lose his feet. So overall he’d be well off, should anything happen. We’re not talking penises here, after all.

I suppose not.

You suppose not.

Patrick Melrose is currently on television.

SHERLOCK SEASON 4 REVEALS DARK SECRET

HOLLYWOOD – The fourth season of Sherlock is set to reveal a dark secret.

Benedict Cumberbatch returns for the fourth time as the world’s most famous detective in Sherlock. This time however the sleuth has a new set of skills and a secret identity. Cumberbatch explained to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

to begin with, I’m a rude brain surgeon, a bit like House. And then I have a car crash. I go to the East to learn how to heal my hand but instead learn to become a kind of wizard.

A wizard?

I know. It’s crazy, isn’t it? But only just in time because the world is under attack from a magical being from another dimension and I have to defend it.

What is Watson doing?

Watson?

It sounds like a real change in direction for the show.

What do you mean Sherlock we’re talking about…

At that point, the conversation was cut off by me going to get another drink and forgetting I was in the middle of a conversation.

Sherlock will be shown January 1, 2017.

DOCTOR STRANGE ACCUSED OF MALPRACTICE

HOLLYWOOD – Patient accuses Doctor Strange of medical incompetence.

Doctor Strange might be doing well at the box office but the new Marvel superhero is in trouble. Barry Snittles of South Dakota accuses the noted neurosurgeon and wizard being a bad doctor. Snittles told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I was having a drink in his local bar when I saw Doctor Strange sitting in a booth with a couple of friends. I took the opportunity to seek some quick medical advice. I’ve had a hemorrhoid problem for some time. At first he suggested a popular cream. I told him I had already tried that without success he became increasingly impatient. He even tried to suggest that he was actually someone else, issuing an obviously made up name – Benedict Cumberbund or Cumbersome or something. He might be a sorceror of some skill but as far as a medical man is concerned, he seems to have forgotten his Hippocratic oath.

Doctor Strange is in cinemas.

SYRIA CELEBRATES COMIC-CON ANNOUNCEMENTS

 

SYRIA – Jubilation broke out on the streets of Syria this weekend after news of Marvel’s Comic-Con announcements swept the nation.

“What a time to be alive,” said 14 year old boy soldier, Asif Yaba.

I had planned to suicide bomb a local market square but when I saw the new trailer for Doctor Strange, I got so excited I watched it fifty times and forgot to blow myself up!

Reports of a total ceasefire have not been confirmed but Asif said he hasn’t heard the sound of an explosion in at least 12 hours:

It’s been really quiet. I did hear the sound of gunfire this morning but apparently that was just people shooting up in the air celebrating the casting of Brie Larson as Ms. Marvel.

Asked if he expected the uneasy peace to continue, Asif was cautiously optimistic:

I think people have realised that if the fighting continues, they risk never seeing another Marvel movie again. I mean sure, there is a chance you will be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven if you sacrifice yourself in the name of Islam, but you know for damn certain that Thor: Ragnarok comes out in October.

General Assad himself is rumoured to be willing to extend the olive branch to rebel forces and in a recent press conference, he hinted at the reasons why:

In retrospect,  The Amazing Spider-Man incited a lot of anger in this country and the sequel tipped many of us over the edge, but after seeing the new guy in Captain America:  Civil War,  fresh hope and optimism is finally returning to the streets of Syria.

MAX LANDIS EXPLAINS WHITEWASHING: ‘RACISM IS THE NEW BLACK’

HOLLYWOOD – In an attempt to explain the recent spate of whitewashing, film screenwriter Max Landis argued that ‘racism was the new black’ and that everyone should ‘just get over it.’

Speaking on a YouTube clip, Max Landis writer of Chronicle and American Ultra addressed the criticism of the casting of white actors in non-white roles, such as Scarlett Johansson in Ghost in the Shell and Tilda Swinton in Kung Fu and Doctor Strange. Landis spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec via the YouTube video:

People are upset and they’re blaming everyone, but those people do not understand how this industry works and I know this is going to sound like mansplaining or white ‘splaining or whatever but I feel that it has to be said. Today if you want a big budget movie to have any chance of making back its money you need a white person or Will Smith to star in it. Maybe two white people maybe more. Because simply, Hollywood is racist and I’m not talking about a few bad apples, I mean the whole industry. But look so are the audiences. China is so racist it doesn’t even know what the word racism means. It just thinks that its racism is factual. Europe is racist. Africa is racist central. There was a time that racism was a white thing but now everyone is racism. It’s basically the new black.

Following the release of Max Landis’ video, everyone agreed with what he said and then started talking about Game of Thrones.

Max Landis is currently working on a musical version of Roots starring Justin Bieber.

FIRST IMAGE OF TILDA SWINTON AS CAINE IN KUNG FU MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Following the female remake of Ghostbusters 3, Tilda Swinton is to take on the iconic David Carradine role of Caine in Kung Fu.

Kung Fu, the shortlived cult TV show that broadcast from 1972-1975, is to be remade as a motion picture starring Tilda Swinton in the role of Caine.

Caine leaves China when her master is assassinated. She wanders the Wild West in search of her sister, but also righting wrongs and using her skills as a Kung Fu master to bring wrongdoers to justice.

Swinton spoke to Studio Exec about her role.

I’m very pleased because I had already shaved my head for my role in Doctor Strange, so it was a twofer. I loved the TV show and I feel that the time is right for this sort of story. And why not a woman? I don’t even feel that’s a question anymore.

And what do you say to people who say that this is another example of white washing?

Well, yeah, guilty as charged. I like that! Except I’m not sure Caine was ever supposed to be Chinese in the original, but we wrote that he was Chinese in this one just so that we could do a bit of extra whitewashing.

 Kung Fu will be released in 2018.

 

MARVEL BUY ROMANIA FOR FUTURE DESTRUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel have bought the European country of Romania in a deal worth $57 million and have slated the country for destruction some time in 2018.

Following the destruction of Sokovia in Avengers: Age of Ultron, Marvel have been on the look out for a new country to destroy in the hope of recreating the success of the Avengers film. A Marvel Studios insider spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about how they zeroed in on Romania:

The destruction of Sokovia everyone agreed was a huge success. Yes we destroyed the country, but every single citizen of Sokovia was given a Blu-ray DVD of the Avengers and DVD of Captain America: Winter Soldier, so you can’t say fairer than that. The one problem was that it was quite expensive for us to do and the money was mainly wasted in retrospect. All the different permits and permissions we needed and then the tax breaks weren’t quite as inviting as we thought they would be.

I see.

The solution though was fairly simple. If we owned a country outright then we could pretty much do what we wanted with it. We originally thought of Lichtenstein, which is very small and manageable, but Tom Cruise already owns it and doesn’t want to sell. Then we thought of Great Britain. It’s got to be good, right? It’s in the name. But they’ve had a really bad experience with London Has Fallen and they don’t even want to talk. They’re still putting Big Ben back up.

So Romania?

Yeah. Romania was our Goldilocks moment. Just right. $57 million is on the low side I feel. I mean we paid that much for catering on Iron Man 3 and that was just Gwyneth Paltrow.

When can we expected to see Romania destroyed?

I think we’ll destroy it over a series of films, but I would like the new Doctor Strange movie to have the destruction of Romania, maybe not even as a conclusion, but a pre-credit sequence.

And the people of Romania?

Well, there’s a huge refugee crisis in Europe as you know. So we’ll just get those people to join that but they’ll all be wearing brand new Thor baseball caps and carrying copies of the Captain America: Civil War novelization in their new  Incredible Hulk fanny packs.

Doctor Strange will be released in 2018.

MARVEL FILMS ‘BASICALLY LIKE THE WEATHER’

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel films have now become basically like the weather, a new study by scientists from the internet has reported.

With an ever increasing crop of Marvel films every year – Ant-Man and The Avengers: Age of Ultron have already hit the screens – the prevalence of superhero films from the Marvel stable has rendered them basically the same as the weather.

Dr. Rupert Magget of the Weather Channel told the Studio Exec:

There are tribes in the Amazon rain forest that have never spoken on a telephone, never seen a television and don’t have a word in their language for Frappucino. And these tribes are looking forward to the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel and talk about nothing but when the Black Widow is going to get a stand alone movie.

How do you explain this dominance?

Some would say that the ruling ideas of any epoch are the ideas of the ruling class. Actually Karl Marx would say that. So if we look at what Marvel produces, stories about small elite teams of individuals being given carte blanche to do anything and justified by a constant state of terror which is always threatening to destroy the world but actually doesn’t then … well, I don’t know. Tony Stark is a one percenter, Captain America is someone for whom the Second World War never actually finished and the Hulk is someone who destroys cities with apparent impunity. All of these are supported by a mysterious NSA style organisation with a huge budget.

But some would say that the Marvel films are critical of themselves and investigate these very points.

Perhaps. But what is interesting is that when we talk about the Marvel Universe, we’re not just talking about a fictive space in which many different stories exist in the same geographical and historical space, we’re also talking about an ideological uniformity that is actually quite fascistic. Look at Iron Man, we’re concerned about his state of mind, his state of being and ultimately everything is resolved because of his ability to apply force, rendering all other questions null and void.

Jesus. This got really serious.

I’m just a weatherman.

Okay. So what has this got to do with the weather?

Well, that’s just about how many Marvel films we’re getting. And not just how many but with each film we get a round of trailers, first glimpses, photos, rumors, interviews, it’s just endless. Now, like weather, it just kind of blends into one thing.

What about the DC Comics Universe?

I don’t know what that is.

Captain America: Civil War, Doctor Strange and Guardians of the Galaxy 2 are all due out in 2016.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH FLAVOR ICE-CREAM A HIT

HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch flavor ice-cream proves an unsurprising hit with customers.

A spokesperson for Ben and Jerry’s Ice-Cream Corporation said that the ice-cream was ‘flying off the shelves and proving more popular than Half Baked and  Cherry Garcia’. Described as a a deeply sensual and metro-sexual ice-cream, the taste is most frequently compared to a mix between pipe tobacco and milky tea.

Not only did we have Benedict come in and advise us as we developed the flavor we also used samples of his hair and DNA to infuse the dessert with an intense Benedict-ness that we’ve come to know and love from Sherlock and such films as The Fifth Estate and The Imitation Game. It wasn’t easy to get and the first Cumberbatch we made we had to throw away.

One satisfied customer told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It could taste of cow muck and I’d still buy it. I think he’s dreamy.

Stores are having difficulty keeping up with demand and riots have broken out in parts of the US where stocks have run low.

The new Benedict Cumberbatch ice-cream is only the first in a whole new range of Ben and Jerry flavors which are being rolled out this year, including the Michael Fassbender Banana split, Tom Hiddleston and Hazelnuts and Gerard Buttercream.

Ben and Jerry’s Benedict Cumberbatch ice-cream is available at all good stores. 

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: ‘I AM DOCTOR STRANGE’

HOLLYWOOD – British actor Benedict Cumberbatch announced today that he is to play Doctor Strange in the Scott Derrickson directed Marvel adventure, due out in two year’s time.

Benedict Cumberbatch, speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec, answered the door and screamed:

I am KHAN!

Before correcting himself, clearing his throat and screaming:

I am DOCTOR STRANGE!

How did you feel about the role?

Oh absolutely spiffing. I said to my man Jenkers, Jenkers old fellow, I rather have it in my old noggin to play Doctor Strange. And do you know what he said?

No.

He said and I quote ‘Very good, sir.’ Font of infinite wisdom is Jenkers. When God was about his business creating Jenkers he poured in the grey matter from a very large jug marked ‘the good stuff’!

Do you read the comics?

Ha ha. Course not. One doesn’t read comics my dear chap, you just look at the bally pictures.

Doctor Strange will be released July 8 2016 at 4.14 pm.