SYRIA – Jubilation broke out on the streets of Syria this weekend after news of Marvel’s Comic-Con announcements swept the nation.
“What a time to be alive,” said 14 year old boy soldier, Asif Yaba.
I had planned to suicide bomb a local market square but when I saw the new trailer for Doctor Strange, I got so excited I watched it fifty times and forgot to blow myself up!
Reports of a total ceasefire have not been confirmed but Asif said he hasn’t heard the sound of an explosion in at least 12 hours:
It’s been really quiet. I did hear the sound of gunfire this morning but apparently that was just people shooting up in the air celebrating the casting of Brie Larson as Ms. Marvel.
Asked if he expected the uneasy peace to continue, Asif was cautiously optimistic:
I think people have realised that if the fighting continues, they risk never seeing another Marvel movie again. I mean sure, there is a chance you will be rewarded with 72 virgins in heaven if you sacrifice yourself in the name of Islam, but you know for damn certain that Thor: Ragnarok comes out in October.
General Assad himself is rumoured to be willing to extend the olive branch to rebel forces and in a recent press conference, he hinted at the reasons why:
In retrospect, The Amazing Spider-Man incited a lot of anger in this country and the sequel tipped many of us over the edge, but after seeing the new guy in Captain America: Civil War, fresh hope and optimism is finally returning to the streets of Syria.
HOLLYWOOD – After months of speculation Marvel president Kevin Feige announced to a packed press conference this morning that the coveted role of Doctor Strange will be played by Benedict Cumberbatch.
“In the end it came down to a list of three” said a buoyant Feige:
Adrian Brody, Cumberbatch and Daniel Day-Lewis. We auditioned all of them and each had a very different approach. Brody seemed to be unaware of the character and did bizarre animal impressions whilst attempting to fellate himself. Benedict turned up drunk he’d accidentally seen Star Trek: Into Darkness on the plane over and had slipped into a deep depression. Daniel on the other hand was just stunning.
According to Feige himself and his team were waiting for him to arrive when suddenly the room crackled with electricity and Day-Lewis appeared from thin air dressed in full costume:
Of course we were shocked at first. It’s not every day Daniel Day-Lewis teleports into your room but the shock was quickly replaced by excitement.
Day-Lewis informed Feige that he had spent the last three years preparing for the role by studying sorcery with The Ancient One at an undisclosed location in the Himalayas:
Daniel proceeded to levitate, throw balls of fire and dazzle us with some amazing card tricks. Though by far the most impressive act was when he pulled a top hat from a live Rabbit. The rabbit died but it was still a great show.
Renown for immersing himself in the character. Day-Lewis only communicated to the assembled Marvel delegates via telepathy during contract negotiations:
It was weird. All I could think was “Give him 20 million dollars and 4% of the gross “as if someone had implanted the suggestion in my mind. One of my colleagues questioned the figure and his head exploded which I’m sure was just a coincidence.
Unfortunately Day-Lewis had to be replaced at the last minute as he’d accidentally made himself disappear when an attempt to summon the demon Mephisto went horribly wrong:
We couldn’t wait for Daniel to reappear so we had to hire Cumberbatch. He’s not as good, but the ladies really like him.
Doctor Strange is due for release in 2016