LEONARDO DICAPRIO ARRESTED FOR PROSTITUTION

HOLLYWOOD – Police arrest Django Unchained star Leonardo DiCaprio on suspicion of being a prostitute.

The film star and owner of one of the world’s five oceans Leonardo DiCaprio was sitting in a parked car kissing a lady friend. But then police officers spotted him and arrested him. The arresting officer said that the arrest showed solid police work:
We didn’t know it was big movie star Leonardo DiCaprio at the time, but when we realized we were doubly pleased we had got him. DiCaprio has been a menace. This is a family neighborhood and Mr. DiCaprio has been seen more than once standing on the street corner and soliciting passing cars, wearing provocative clothes and even making obscene gestures and invitations in a curvy language which leaves very little to the imagination. One would think he earned enough money from all those flicks he’s made.
A lawyer for the star however pleaded mitigating circumstances:
Ever since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? Mr. DiCaprio has been very honest about his proclivities. This is a case of victimization of a sick man by a police force eager to grab headlines and distract people from its more unsavory reputation. My client is seeking counselling but would also like to point out in terms of his economic position – which on the surface would seem to preclude such sex-barter – that since buying an ocean he has been a bit strapped for cash.
Other Hollywood male prostitutes were quick to leap to DiCaprio’s defense. John Cusack said:
People see us and they think, we’re white, we’re rich, what are we doing? But they don’t understand how hard it can be to make a living in this town. And frankly if the choice is turning tricks or making Hot Tub Time Machine 2, I know which of them is the less degrading option.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is available.

QUENTIN TARANTINO APOLOGIZES FOR THE LAST ACT OF DJANGO UNCHAINED

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino said sorry today for the last act of Django Unchained.

Following a terrible week, Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino has apologized for placing Uma Thurman in danger and for his comments regarding Roman Polanski’s rape victim. Now he has also made a clean slate by finally holding his hands up when it comes to the disappointing last act of Django Unchained.

Talking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, the Four Rooms director said:

I might as well get this all out of the way while I’m at it. I wrote Django Unchained and I didn’t really know what to do with it. By the end I was really flagging. I thought this will be okay but I’ll come up with something better later. I mean that last act just makes no sense. Why do they send Django off to some mine no one’s heard of? Why do we totally forget about the wrestling that was a huge part of the film until about half an hour from the end? What is up with the two most interesting characters being killed off in such an abrupt way? Of course this has nothing as important as the other apologies I’ve made but still, it’s important to acknowledge I shot the first draft.

Quentin Tarantino’s next film Charlie Manson Ate My Cat is due out in 2022.

QUENTIN TARANTINO SUED BY EVERYBODY

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino is to be sued by everybody, it emerged today.

Following the release of The Hateful Eight, it was revealed that Quentin Tarantino was to be sued for alleged similarity between a screenplay and Django Unchained. However, this looks to be only the first in what promises to be numerous law suits.

Legal expert and the Studio Exec’s personal lawyer Marty Drang offered his legal opinion:

Frankly no one knew that you could accuse Quentin Tarantino of plagiarism. It’s a little like accusing Beethoven of writing symphonies. But now that the cherry has been picked so to speak, I can forecast that everyone who has ever written a screenplay, directed a film or even made a passing comment about a film will feel empowered to sue the motor-mouth postmodernist until they have him down to his last mix tape.

According to Drang legal cases pending from several million suits are already being prepared:

There’s the Japanese, the Koreans, Jean Luc Godard, the Italians, obscure American TV directors. The list goes on and on. Kung Fu, Spaghetti Westerns, John Carpenter, the estate of Agatha Christie, and Madonna.

The question on everyone’s lips is obviously do these suits have a chance of success and can I sue him too?

I’ve already filed the paperwork.

The Hateful Eight is currently being held in escrow.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT – REVIEW

THE HATEFUL EIGHT – REVIEW: Quentin Tarantino’s second Western is a bloody locked room mystery of a wide screen claustrophobia and unbridled suspicion and violence.

John Ruth (Kurt Russell at his most John Wayne-y) is a bounty hunter nicknamed the Hangman, because instead of shooting his targets and bringing them to town over a saddle insists on seeing them hang. Escorting notorious female felon, Daisy Domergue (Jennifer Jason Leigh) to the gallows he meets Major Marquis Warren (Samuel L. Jackson), a former soldier turned bounty hunter who has his own bodies to bring to market. Along the way they also meet Chris Mannix (Walton Goggins), a Confederate bushwhacker turned Red Rock sheriff. Why all these characters happen upon one another while running ahead of a potentially deadly blizzard is never fully explained and the mystery gets even deeper when they arrive at the dubious refuge of Minnie’s Haberdashery where they meet up with cowboy, Michael Madsen, Englishman, Tim Roth, Southern General, Bruce Dern and Mexican Bob, Demian Bechir. Minnie, sweet Dave and the other regulars of the place are missing and something is obviously afoot.

What follows is bloody and witty, long-winded, frustrating, violent (obviously) and both overwhelming and underwhelming at exactly the same time. The premise is much more modest than the epic treatment it is given. The Hateful Eight feels like an Agatha Christie inspired bottle episode of Bonanza written by Sam Peckinpah, but why it has to be three hours long  and shot in 70 mm is beyond me. There are performances to relish from the veterans of the cast – and it is a blessed relief to not have to put up with the supposedly brilliant Christoph Waltz any longer. Ennio Morricone’s score is worth the price of admission alone. The opening scenes of the snowy Wyoming landscapes are gorgeous but like many mysteries the initial intrigue leaks out with each ho-hum revelation. Of plot holes there are several and Bob and Harvey Weinstein might do well to employ a tough no nonsense script editor on the final two Tarantino productions.   All of that said, The Hateful Eight is a better film than Django Unchained and Inglourious Bastereds, though it doesn’t reach the early peaks of Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs.

 

For more Reviews, Click Here.

QUENTIN TARANTINO TO FILM BONANZA

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino has announced his next film will be a ‘re-imagining/rip off’ based on the popular TV show Bonanza.

Speaking last night EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Reservoir Dogs director Quentin Tarantino had this to say:
Continue reading “QUENTIN TARANTINO TO FILM BONANZA”

TARANTINO TO FILM LONG CHERISHED JANE AUSTEN ADAPTATION

HOLLYWOOD – Even as Quentin Tarantino adds the final touches to The Hateful Eight, rumors are already circulating about his next film being his long-awaited Jane Austen adaptation. 

In an EXCLUSIVE phone call to the Guatemalan office of Studio Exec, Quentin Tarantino was explicit: ‘It’s always been my dream to do a Jane Austen adaptation. I f*cking love Northanger Abbey, and I would costume drama and post-modern irony the shit out of that motherf*cker.’

What attracts you to the 19th Century novelist?

She’s the Elmore Leonard of her time. Just snappy as shit. Tight plotting and strong female characters. I’ve been a fan for years and watched with something like f*cking despair as assholes like Joe Wright and Emma Thompson fuck her up time and time again. 

And who do you see in the film?

I’ve already had long conversations with Samuel L. Jackson about General Tilney. He’d be perfect, cause he has to seem threatening and yet ultimately, well I don’t want to give it away to anyone who hasn’t read the book. By the way Northanger Abbey was published in 1798 and so she wrote that one as an 18th Century novelist. Jamie Foxx would be his son Henry, but as yet I don’t have anyone for Catherine. Maybe Emma Watson. Or Kerry Washington. Or Kurt Russell.

So we can look forward to a radically different Austen, with a black cast and guns and samurai swords and stuff?

Are you f*cking high. No way. Jamie and Sam are gonna white up. I’m not gonna f*ck with the material on this one. No way. The reason I hated Joe Wright’s Pride and Prejudice was cause he went too Bronte on that shit. He Bronte to f*ck out of it. I’m gonna keep it pure Austen. Witty convoluted dialogue and corsets and drawing rooms. The only thing I might change is the title. I kind of like Northanger Motherfucking Abbey Motherfucker which I think is in the spirit of Austen’s anger.  

Northanger Motherf*cking Abbey Motherf*cker will be released in 2017.

6 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT SPAGHETTI WESTERNS

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Quentin Tarantino’s new movie “The Hateful Eight” many pig ignorant film-goers are going ‘Spaghetti Westerns? What? How? Why and Where?’

Stop, shut up, sit down and let Studio Exec blow knowledge holes in your poncho of stupid with our six fact shooter. 

The Six Shooter of Fact

1. Although called ‘Spaghetti Westerns’ no one actually eats spaghetti. They eat beans.

2. In order to make his films more commercially attractive to US audiences, Sergio Leone anglicized the Italian names of cast and crew: Leone himself became Bob Robertson, Gian Maria Volantè became John Wells, and Neapolitan unknown Diego Cazzituoi became Clint Eastwood.

3. All the gunshots you hear in the Spaghetti Westerns directed by Sergio Corbucci were created by Ennio Morricone the films’ composer who had the knack of imitating realistic gunfire, with his mouth. ‘I learnt it in the school yard, little did I know…p-choooooo,’ said the maestro.

4. Although Quentin Tarantino claims to be an expert on Spaghetti Westerns, he’s never actually seen one. He’s heard about them from a really cool friend and he thought they sounded ‘cool’. When asked whether he’ll try and watch one now, he said he ‘couldn’t be bothered’.

5. Although many people mistakenly believe that the first Spaghetti Western was Sergio Leone’s Fistful of Dollars in 1964, it was not. The first Spaghetti Western was made in 1961 in Japan by Akira Kurosawa and was called Yojimbo.

6. The trademark whistling heard on the soundtracks of all the Spaghetti Westerns was done by unemployed American actor Charles Bronson who later appeared in Once Upon a Time in the West where ironically he didn’t whistle, but played the harmonica. ‘He was a very good whistler,’ laughed Leone. ‘But a shit!’

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

MICHAEL MADSEN: TARANTINO LEAK MEA CULPA

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Madsen has given an extraordinary confession to the Studio Exec following the leaking of Quentin Tarantino‘s new script The Hateful Eight onto the internet and the director’s shelving of the project.

‘Yeah, it was me,’ said Madsen. ‘And I’d do it again tomorrow.’

Initially suspicion had fallen on Bruce Dern and the agency that represents him, but both issued vehement denials. Tim Roth, Tarantino asserted, was in the clear, because the Django director knew for a fact that Roth had been working as an undercover cop for the past thirty years. That only left Madsen, who came into the Studio Exec office to make his full confession. 

Initially, the Reservoir Dogs actor sounded defiant:

I did it, yeah. I told Quentin, either I read it or I don’t, or I’ll put it on the internet or I won’t. He just laughed. I was kinda warning him, but he didn’t care. If he hadn’t done what I warned him not to do, he’d still have a film.

What’s the script about it?

It’s about a girl who’s very sensitive she’s been f*cked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who’s really sensitive.

Whoa, ain’t that ‘Like a Virgin’?

I told Quentin. I said “Listen kid. I’m not going to bullshit you, all right? I don’t give a good f*ck what you say or what you don’t say, I’m gonna leak the script onto the internet anyway. Not for profit. But cos it’s amusing, to me, to leak a Quentin Tarantino script onto the internet.” QT was just laughing is head off. “Great Mike, stay in character,” he said.

 Has Tarantino been in touch?

He phoned me and got a little angry, talking about legal ramifications and stuff but I just told him. “Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite?” Then he got really mad.

So now that the film looks cancelled what are your plans?

I’ve got loads of offers and possibilities. You think that I can’t get any work except in Tarantino pictures? Is that what you’re implying? I was in Thelma and Louise Goddam it! I was in Species! [Incoherent sobbing] Oh Sweet Jesus, what have I done? What have I done?

 What are you doing with that razor?

 Now hold still, you f*ck. Hold still.     

The Hateful Eight will be released in 2015.

HARVEY WEINSTEIN TO PRODUCE GUN FREE TARANTINO BACK CATALOG

NEW YORK – Harvey Weinstein is to produce a deluxe edition of the works of Quentin Tarantino with all the gun violence and glamorization of violence digitally removed. ‘We’re also going to ADR some explanatory dialogue so that it won’t be so glaring,’ Weinstein said. 

The move follows an interview with Piers Morgan in which – in promoting his film about gun violence –  Weinstein admitted his own complicity and declared that he would no longer be involved with films glamorizing this kind of behaviour:

It’s not like I can just come out with these statements and not back it up with action even at the risk of losing money and damaging my creative relationships. So I’m going to bring out this DVD box set of gunless Yoko Ono style Tarantino. 

Although the versions are not yet commercially available, Weinstein has given a few examples of the changes we can expect. 

  • In Reservoir Dogs, rather than have his ear cut off with a razor, the police man will have his feet tickled with a large feather and Mr. Blonde will only stop when Mr Orange issues some strongly worded criticism.     
  • Pulp Fiction will see Marvin accidentally sprayed with spittle and Kahuna burger when Vincent Vega speaks with his mouthful in the car.
  • Kill Bill will be renamed Bill Gets A Damned Good Talking To. 
  • The finale of Inglourious Basterds will be drastically changed, with Hitler and his Nazi cohorts being ignored in the cinema by the Basterds and in that way made to feel foolish and so desisting with their horrible crimes. 
  • Django Unchained will be cut almost entirely and replaced with 12 Years a Slave.

So how will this affect future releases from Harvey Weinstein? 

Ah, I don’t know. I mean Quentin has something in the works now, but by the time that’s ready for release The Senator’s Wife will have been made and be out, so you know, we should be good to go with the guns again.  

The Quentin Tarantino Peace Out Box Set is due for sale in 2014. 

TARANTINO ADMITS ‘CHINESE VERSION OF DJANGO UNCHAINED BETTER’

BEIJING – Quentin Tarantino today admitted that the Chinese cut of his film Django Unchained is actually much better than his own internationally released version.

Although initially it was thought that the cuts imposed were due to the censorship of violence and the bloodiness of the film, Tarantino revealed that Chinese editors were instead trying to fix the last act.

In an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, Tarantino said he’d seen the different version and agreed with the changes: ‘I only wish I had seen this version before I released mine.’
In a top secret email to the director, the Chinese editors explained the changes they had made and their reasons. [SPOILERS]


Dear Mr. Tarantino,

We have finished our cut of your exciting Western film Django Unchained and for your interest here is a list of the cuts we have made. We hope that you are not too upset with us as we are great fans of your work, especially Jackie Brown.


  • 7 minutes have been cut from Christoph Waltz’s performance. He is good, but really we don’t need him twirling his moustaches and blathering on for quite so long. Plus giving a white German the name ‘King’ and hinting that he is the intellectual inspiration behind the emancipation of black people is a bit raw. We have toned this down.
  • We cut Franco Nero from the film. You put him in and he did nothing. It was an insult to a great actor to use him simply as a quotation. 
  • Our most radical cut has been the ending. We cut the section between Di Caprio and Waltz’s final scene and the final shoot out. This has several advantages. 1. We lose the Australians (including that fat faced fool of an actor who blows up [where on earth did you find such a fool?]). 2. The opportunity given to Django to escape is simply unbelievable and the long-winded motivation given by Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson) is silly beyond belief. 3. The loss of two major characters leaves much the rest of the film without energy and so to conflate the two gunfight makes more sense. We have added a line of dialogue -‘Oh, here’s another gun!’ – to make it more credible.
We hope you are not to angry with us Mr. T. 
 
Best Wishes, Chinese editors

TARANTINO DELIVERS MAHATMA GANDHI, KILL KILL KILL!!!

HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino promised late last year that he would be completing a trilogy of period films – which began with Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained – with a new entry and now he has come good on that promise, delivering to the Weinstien company a script that is a radical re-imagining of Sir Richard Attenborough’s 1982 Oscar winner Gandhi provisionally entitled Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!

The script – which leaked onto the internet within seconds of its completion – sees the bald Indian pacifist confronting the British Imperial authorities with nothing but indomitable will, gentle wisdom and a Gatling gun he drags around in a coffin.

Tarantino spoke to Studio Exec exclusively:

The original film is okay, but it’s the kind of prestigious epic that feels a need to always protect the audience from hard truths. So there’s hardly any violence in it at all. I see Gandhi standing up to the authorities with this kind of quiet dignity and taking all these blows and what not, and I’m just thinking, I bet you could kick their asses. I’d like to see that. 

But isn’t that historically inacc…

Ha hahahhahahahhahahahahahahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA. Ha. (Sighs) Next question.

 What story…?

Good question. At the beginning, we find Gandhi in South Africa where he’s almost beaten to death by Daniel Day-Lewis, but when a killer called the clergy man Christoph Waltz rescues him they both go on a rampage, destroying Apartheid. That done they head over to India and wreak bloody havoc there as well. Kick British asses and create a country before a Wild Bunch like finale. You see the thing is the Attenborough film was like PASSIVE resistance, and I’m more passive RESISTANCE. You dig? 

Mahatma Gandhi Kill Kill Kill!!!! is due to start filming in the Summer.  

IRON MAN ACTION FIGURES ‘IN POOR TASTE’

HOLLYWOOD -Iron Man 3 – due for release sometime in 2013 – is already kicking up a storm of controversy with the issuing of a set of action figures depicting the main characters of the Marvel film franchise starring Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, a black guy (Terrence Howard or Don Cheadle, whoever’s cheaper) and Gwyneth Paltrow as a woman.

Hasbro first displayed the figures earlier this year at Toy Fair, but a spokesperson for the company said they had been planned for some time.

However, an article in The New Left State Review has lambasted the tie-in product. Prof. Stem Reasurgh of the University of Colorado writes that the ‘exploitation of this period in our history for purely commercial gain is a national disgrace.’ He continues:

Tony Stark loses everything including his really nice house and HQ and he has to somehow come back from the depths in order to battle the wicked Mandarin. And remember this is a man who was kidnapped by terrorists in Somewhere-over-there-istan. He hasn’t even got a heart and yet he still fights to protect the world from Loki and stuff. And this man’s plight, his enormous sacrifices are trivialized by what is essentially a toy.

However, Hasbro has responded to the criticisms in a baffled press release:

We don’t understand why action figures for a comic book franchise should be controversial. After all, we’ve done figures for all the movies and no one has complained until now.

The criticism comes after similar controversies surrounding the merchandising of Argo and Django Unchained (for more on those stories CLICK HERE), leading to the question should all action figures and toy related merchandise be banned and the death penalty be used as a deterrent? What do you think? Please leave your brain droppings in the comment box below.

TARANTINO PLANS TRILOGY

I’ll dance for you

LONDON – After Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino admitted to British music comic NME that his alternative history films require a conclusion. ‘A third film closing the trilogy would definitely be a good thing,’ everyone’s favourite dancing monkey said. ‘I’ve solved the Holocaust, won the Second World War and I’ve done the same now with slavery. Next up I want to solve climate change.’

The idea came after conversations with Leonardo diCaprio, who is committed to the environment and spends much of his spare time looking at it and checking that it’s okay. Tarantino has already drafted a treatment and sharpened his most colourful pencils:

The story is going to be genre peice. I’ve done Kung Fu, I’ve done War and now I’ve reinvented the Western. So for my environmental film, I’m going to make a monster movie. There are these dolphins and like BP are trying to kill them because they keep you know fucking up the oil spills that BP are doing on purpose. But they get strangely changed by the nuclear weapons that the North Koreans are testing. And so they come back and they fuck up the people. And there are dancing monkeys as well. 

What history would you like to see revised by Quentin Tarantino? Feel free to post comments or get intouch via Twitter or Facebook.