NOAM CHOMSKY SIGNS FOR DISNEY

Linguist and Philosopher Professor Noam Chomsky has signed a five picture deal with Disney in an attempt to expose his work to a younger generation.

I’m excited to be working with the talented people at Disney” said Chomsky

I know it’s an evil global corporation hell bent on owning the earth and its outlying moon; but sometimes you have to get in bed with your enemy, put your face in the pillow and grit your teeth in order to get things done.”

His first film will be based on his 1965 book Aspects of the Theory of Syntax.

I think it’s important that kids learn to appreciate the various deficiencies found in transformational generative grammar. I know it’s easy for adults to understand that agrammar contains a syntactic component and semantic component and a phonological component; but I think younger children might struggle to grasp the concept. So I’ve written a story about a Princess who falls for a fish that explains everything. Jack Black will voice Snytax the Squid and Amy Adams Princess Phonological.”

Chomsky also confirmed he’s halfway through writing his second feature.

I’m adapting it from my collection of essay’s 9-11: Was There An Alternative? I’ll be examining the history of American interventionism in the Middle East and the impact and consequences of US Foreign policy via the medium of song. Basically it’s a love story set during the attack between a cheeky raccoon and a prissy house cat. My first draft was a little too dark but I’ve been working Brad Bird and I think we’ve managed to lighten the mood. I’m still not sure how we are going to tackle the collapse of the buildings but my current idea is to replace the plane’s with giant robotic pterodactyls.”

 
Aspects in the Theory of Syntax is due for release in 2014.

STUDIO USES TIME MACHINE FOR 2013 RELEASES

Studio Exec learned today that the heads of the major studios have been toying with forces more powerful than any man control, namely time travel. It was a almost midnight at the parking lot when the souped up Delorean was wheeled out. A script scout was given the thumbs up and off he went to somewhere int he mid-eighties. He would return what seemed like seconds later but for him had been little over a month and with him he had a script for Die Hard 5, starring Bruce Willis; a development deal for Bullet in the Head directed by Walter Hill and starring Sylvester Stallone; and even a movie about an old sheriff called The Last Stand, and ‘starring’ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
‘Admittedly, it’s an unconventional way of getting product,’ said one of the studio chiefs, sheepishly. ‘But do you know how hard it is to think of new ideas. I mean, it literally hurts.’
News comes after Disney CEO Bill Iger announced the studio’s intention of limiting creative ideas to an absolute minimum. ‘We chose JJJJ Abrams because we thought the less people involved in these films the better. We want everything to be the same and nothing to be truly original or decent.’
What do you think of the eighties revival? Ghostbusters 3 or a load of old Goonies? Feel free to leave comments.

STAR WARS STANDALONE: YOUNG YODA

HOLLYWOOD – The first news has come out concerning the new standalone Star Wars movie, Yoda: High School Years. Kermit has already been announced in a piece of inspired casting, as the future Jedi master.
Writer Brett Easton Ellis has leaked plot details.

Yoda is a young kid, uncertain, nervous, but with this incredible gift that he doesn’t know how to use.  He goes to Dagobah High and gets bullied and falls in love with the girl and worries about going to the Prom. 

Disney heads have denied that Mr. Ellis – the author of American Psycho – is in anyway involved with the franchise. ‘Jesus, he keeps giving himself jobs,’ said a source. ‘It’s the Fifty Shades of Grey all over again.’
However, they did confirm that the tone would be relatively light.

Oh yeah, there’ll be lots of jokes about him growing. ‘After twenty years so small I will not be’ he says a lot. Woody Allen is going to voice his father and Billy Crystal will voice the mother (I know, I know, we’ve addressed this).   

Kermit admitted he was nervous about taking on such an icon.

I know that there will be a lot of fans out there waiting for me to fail, but I’m at a stage in my career when I want to take risks. I want to break the bubble.


 Yoda: High School Years will be released in 2015.

 

DISNEY CONFIRM ‘BY 2017 EVERY FILM WILL EITHER BE STAR WARS OR SUPERHERO’

CALIFORNIA – Disney CEO Bob Iger today confirmed that by the year 2017 all films released in North America will ‘either be Star Wars films, or part of a superhero franchise, probably Marvel controlled’.

He said:

It is a part of our ongoing mission to not have our films contaminated by any original thinking. We sat down and we looked at Star Wars and Marvel and we just said, you know I think we have all the ideas we need. Any more would just be confusing.

The news came hot on the heels of the announcement that there would be two additional Star Wars films, directed by Lawrence Kasdan and Simon Kinberg, to go beside the projected Episodes 7 through to 9. Iger was fielding questions about the studios dominance of the blockbuster market by the studio which also owns Marvel Studios.

We have a Thor sequel, Captain America: Winter Soldier, a stand alone Hulk film in development, Ant Man, Avengers 2 … oh, and Iron Man 3. And that’s just the beginning. Then we’ve got the Star Wars films. I don’t see how there’s going to be room for anything more. Perhaps we’ll let PT Anderson release a film every so often, but other than that, I don’t see how they’ll be space.

Star Wars 7 will be released in 2014. 

CHEWBACCA RULES HIMSELF OUT OF STAR WARS 7

HOLLYWOOD – In alarming news for Star Wars fans everywhere, Chewbacca – the large walking carpet as he prefers to be known – ruled himself out of any participation in the new Disney run Star Wars sequel Episode 7. ‘It’s a blatant cash grab,’ said the Wookie. ‘And frankly I have better things to do with my time.’

Chewbacca retired from acting in 1993 after his character’s scenes were axed from Schindler’s List.

‘When that happened I was devastated,’ says Chewie. ‘I had really seen this as an opportunity not to be typecast and to do something with a little more heft, but Steven said that it wasn’t fitting to the period or tone of the piece. Well, fine but he could have made that decision earlier and saved me six months of hard work.’


Since retiring from acting, Chewbacca has pursued a variety of failed business ventures and botched career changes:

I was a golf pro at a Palm Springs course, but then I had to leave because of … ahem … indiscretions. Then I opened my own series of Korean themed fast food restaurants called Chewie’s Chews; you heard of them? No? I’m not surprised. They were open a week before we got closed down. 

Always seen as the loose canon of the Star Wars cast, Chewbacca is unforgiving in his assessments of the other alumni from a galaxy far, far away, recently causing outrage when he commented: ‘Hamill’ll do anything for a peanut butter sandwich.’

‘I wish them all the luck in the world, but at the moment I have my Zumba club to concentrate on,’ Chewie said, before giving us his trade mark arrghghhghhwargghgh.  

WRECK-IT RALPH: REVIEW

Lilo and Ralph

Think Toy Story meets Tron. For the first time ever in animated films, Wreck-It Ralph tells the story of one of the characters who usually would be considered a baddie and an unlikely friendship.
Ralph is the baddie of a classic arcade game, but he is unappreciated, even though his role is essential to the game. Determined to win a medal, Ralph begins to invade other games in his search for adulation  but spoiling everything in the process, befriending Sarah Silverman on the way. Ever since Shrek, Shrek 2, 3 and 4, Despicable Me and Megamind, audiences have been crying out: ‘Give us a film with a baddie as a hero so that we can reassess the facile duality of our traditional narratives and replace it with a dubious idea of the necessity of destructive forces in our society.’ Thank the lord that the studios have heard.  

ALEC GUINNESS’ GHOST HAUNTS GEORGE LUCAS

SAN FRANSCICO – An emotional George Lucas admitted today the real reason for selling the Star Wars franchise to Disney: ‘I’ve been haunted by the ghost of Alec Guinness.’

The Howard the Duck director added that the haunting began shortly after the release of Attack of the Clones.

‘He would hover over my shoulder and in that clear British accent he would deliver the crudest insults and chip away at my self-confidence,’ Lucas sobbed. ‘Even when I was with other people, he’d appear at my shoulder dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi and he’d just say “You’re shit, you’re shit, you’re shit” until it all became one word.’

Lucas at first suspected that the ghost was an illusion created by disgruntled employees at ILM but Ewan McGregor had also experienced the haunting. ‘At first I was terrified,’ the Scottish ‘actor’ famed for his inexplicable ability to choose poor scripts said. ‘But then it just got boring. Alec was always having a go at my accent. He’d mutter, “sounds nothing like me” even when I was doing a scene.’

Lucas finally gave up and sold Star Wars to Disney earlier this year. ‘He still haunts me,’ says Lucas. ‘But he’s much less offensive and he even said some kind things about Red Tails.’

Ewan McGregor has since become a priest.

STUDIO FILM SEQUEL MORATORIUM ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD- In an astonishing move, the major studios have issued a joint statement announcing a moratorium on sequels for the whole of 2013. The news sent shock waves through the industry and leaves the 2013 calendar looking fairly bare.
The heads of Warner Brothers, Universal, Fox, Sony, Paramount and Disney all signed the press release which stated:

We have watched with growing concern the intellectual poverty of current cinematic output and have decided that enough is enough. Franchises make money and that is a concern for us, but we are above all in the entertainment business and this kind of industrial scale pap issuing is as immoral as prostituting children for the excuse of material gain. We have dragged this fine art form through the filth for long enough, and to say it is popular or ‘what the public wants’ is no longer a valid excuse as we have manipulated public taste to the extent that they’re a bunch of geeked out morons who will go and see any old cat’s vomit we serve up.   

Films effected will be: Thor 2: Dark Worlds, Star Trek 2, Hunger Games 2, Grown Ups 2, The Muppets 2, Riddick 2, Machete 2, Red 2Wolverine 2Insidious 2, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Star Wars Episode 2 3D, 300 2, GI Joe 2, Percy Jackson 2, The Smurfs 2, Despicable Me 2, Last Exorcism 2,  Kick Ass 2Bad Santa 2Anchorman 2,  Sin City 2: a Dame to Kill ForIron Man 3, Hangover 3, Star Wars Episode 3, 3D, Paranormal Activity 5, Fast and Furious 6, Step Up 6, and (A Good Day to) Die Hard 6.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 7: GEORGE LUCAS


Caviare, lobster, champagne, more caviare, more champagne and gold flaked crackers

I drive up to the Skywalker Ranch and George Lucas leaps out of a  bush and into the road. ‘Wa-Hey!’ he yells, grabbing me and dancing around the car. ‘Woo hoo!’ After about two hours of exuberance which involves tree climbing, dancing about and games of tag, we head up to Chewbacca HQ where breakfast is served.

  We start with large bowls of Coco pops and beluga caviare, with Dom Perignon champagne. As we tuck in, I ask Lucas about the Disney deal.

What does he plan to do with the money?

Charity. I’m going to put it all into an education programme, but before that I’ve put it all in the swimming pool. All $4 billion. We’ll got for a swim after breakfast. More lobster.

Thank you very much. But I haven’t brought a costume.
Doesn’t matter. We’ll go skinny dipping. (high pitched maniacal laughter).

Of course, I’d love to go swimming in $4 billion but the idea of going skinny dipping with George Lucas is now in my mind cinema and I want it to turn off, so I ask:

And what about now? What are you hoping to do?
Future projects and stuff? I’m glad you asked. Finally I am free of the stifling responsibility of the most awe inspiring universe a man has ever created out of his own bearded oddly necked head. Now, I’m free to make those personal, experimental, small films I’ve always wanted to make.

Like?
All that commercial trash has just tied me down for so long. Of course, it was iconic. In fact, the word iconic didn’t exist before 1977 and the first Star Wars film. Coincidence? I very much think not.

So?
The thing about Star Wars is it affected a generation so deeply and yet for my the artist genius who created it if you will, it became a burden. In a way I’m kind of like God. God created a universe – the universe as some scientists and religious leaders termed it – and I created a universe, the Star Wars TM universe. But I got bored of it. I imagine God has as well. And now I’m ready to do new things. Loads of things. Too many to mention.

Later we’re towelling off and getting into clean clothes after our money swim when George makes an excuse and leaves. He is pacing up and down in the garden and I can here him talking on the phone. His voice is strained and desperate.

‘I’ve made a terrible mistake, Mr. Mouse,’ he says. ‘Please I want it back. I want my baby. Please!’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

JULIA ROBERTS SELLS HER SMILE TO THE CHINESE

BEIJING – Following George Lucas’ sale of the Star Wars franchise to Disney, Julia Roberts announced today that the Chinese government have successfully acquired her smile for the cool sum of $6 billion.

The representative for the Chinese Government speaking in Beijing today said that the People’s Democratic Republic of China were delighted at having acquired such a valuable asset. Ms. Roberts was forced to sell her smile when her heavy investments in a new TV show called Pigs Fighting led to heavy losses which, coupled with an addiction to Role Playing Games, saw the Pretty Woman at her wits’ end.
Although some sources have suggested that the Chinese want to use the smile for military purposes, as a kind of missile shield for instance, the Chinese insist that it is going to be used for public good “Just, you know, to make everyone feel better about themselves.”
Ms. Roberts was unavailable for comment.

STAR WARS EPISODE 7 PLOT REVEALED!











Earlier today social media platforms exploded with the news that Disney has bought Lucas Film and plans to make Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015.

We caught up with George in his vault dressed in a bathing suit and swimming in gold coins.

George, how the devil are you?

I’m rich baby, rich as rich can be.

So what made you sign over the rights of your life’s work to Disney?

In a word, money. I’m going to buy a continent, maybe Asia and declare myself Emperor.

Exciting stuff. What can you tell us about the upcoming Episodes 7,8,9?

Well it’s pretty simple. Luke has a son, Luke’s wife is killed, Luke turns to the dark side, Luke becomes Vader, Luke’s son becomes a Jedi, Luke’s son Kills Vader.

Wow, that’s original.

Indeed. Then for 10, 11, 12 Luke’s son has a son, the son’s wife is killed, the son turns to the dark side, the son becomes Vader, the Son’s son becomes a Jedi, The Son’s son kills Vader. Rinse and repeat Ad Nauseam until the end of time itself.

Interesting. Who will be playing Luke’s son?

Well it’s got to be Justin Bieber. He has millions of twitter followers and if we cast him that’s like an extra 500 million in the bank.


A shrewd move..anyone else?

Yeah sure. Ricky Gervias, Stephen Fry, Lady Gaga. Basically anyone with over 2 million twitter followers we’ll throw in there.

Will the original cast be returning?

I should think so. Let’s be honest, Fisher and Hamill need the cash and Ford needs a hit. Anyway, if they turn us down we’ll just get Andy Serkis in to play them all via motion capture.

What do you say to all those people who accuse you of destroying their childhoods by ruining a once beloved franchise with endless sequels.

I say F*ck you. I’ve got more money than China what the hell do I care what a bunch of peasants think?

A good point, well made. So what else are you going to do with your enormous wealth?

I’m going to make a sequel to Howard the Duck .


Star Wars Episode 7 to be released in 2015.

PIXAR BUY RIGHTS TO TOXIC AVENGER

SAN FRANCISCO – Animation studio Pixar have secured the rights to the 1984 Troma movie The Toxic Avenger, along with possible sequel rights.

According to in-house sources, the studio was disappointed with the critical reception of its last two films Cars 2 and The Brave and felt that a radical change of direction was necessary.

John Lasseter took a giant shit on Cars 2 and now he feels he needs to come up with something that is going to reclaim the studio’s reputation for quality,’ says Dwight, an animator who does mostly hands. ‘Then The Brave came out and everyone’s like this is just Disneyed the fuck up so we went across the street to Eli Roth and asked him about who had the rights to Hostel. He turned us down with some bullshit, so next stop Troma.’

Troma have already been looking to remake some of their movies as PG 13 entertainment pieces with ladled on nostalgia value. Lloyd Kaufman said that Troma were delighted to be collaborating with the famed and Oscar winning team that brought Toy Story to the screen.

Usually Pixar make films that are ostensibly for kids but which adults can also enjoy, but this time they’ll make kids which are definitely for adults but which we know kids will somehow get to see and enjoy. Whatever happens it has to be better than Cars 2 which neither kids nor adults enjoyed.

The Toxic Avenger is in the early stages of production and the release date is yet to be scheduled.