WRECK-IT RALPH: REVIEW

Lilo and Ralph

Think Toy Story meets Tron. For the first time ever in animated films, Wreck-It Ralph tells the story of one of the characters who usually would be considered a baddie and an unlikely friendship.
Ralph is the baddie of a classic arcade game, but he is unappreciated, even though his role is essential to the game. Determined to win a medal, Ralph begins to invade other games in his search for adulation  but spoiling everything in the process, befriending Sarah Silverman on the way. Ever since Shrek, Shrek 2, 3 and 4, Despicable Me and Megamind, audiences have been crying out: ‘Give us a film with a baddie as a hero so that we can reassess the facile duality of our traditional narratives and replace it with a dubious idea of the necessity of destructive forces in our society.’ Thank the lord that the studios have heard.  

ALEC GUINNESS’ GHOST HAUNTS GEORGE LUCAS

SAN FRANSCICO – An emotional George Lucas admitted today the real reason for selling the Star Wars franchise to Disney: ‘I’ve been haunted by the ghost of Alec Guinness.’

The Howard the Duck director added that the haunting began shortly after the release of Attack of the Clones.

‘He would hover over my shoulder and in that clear British accent he would deliver the crudest insults and chip away at my self-confidence,’ Lucas sobbed. ‘Even when I was with other people, he’d appear at my shoulder dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi and he’d just say “You’re shit, you’re shit, you’re shit” until it all became one word.’

Lucas at first suspected that the ghost was an illusion created by disgruntled employees at ILM but Ewan McGregor had also experienced the haunting. ‘At first I was terrified,’ the Scottish ‘actor’ famed for his inexplicable ability to choose poor scripts said. ‘But then it just got boring. Alec was always having a go at my accent. He’d mutter, “sounds nothing like me” even when I was doing a scene.’

Lucas finally gave up and sold Star Wars to Disney earlier this year. ‘He still haunts me,’ says Lucas. ‘But he’s much less offensive and he even said some kind things about Red Tails.’

Ewan McGregor has since become a priest.

STUDIO FILM SEQUEL MORATORIUM ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD- In an astonishing move, the major studios have issued a joint statement announcing a moratorium on sequels for the whole of 2013. The news sent shock waves through the industry and leaves the 2013 calendar looking fairly bare.
The heads of Warner Brothers, Universal, Fox, Sony, Paramount and Disney all signed the press release which stated:

We have watched with growing concern the intellectual poverty of current cinematic output and have decided that enough is enough. Franchises make money and that is a concern for us, but we are above all in the entertainment business and this kind of industrial scale pap issuing is as immoral as prostituting children for the excuse of material gain. We have dragged this fine art form through the filth for long enough, and to say it is popular or ‘what the public wants’ is no longer a valid excuse as we have manipulated public taste to the extent that they’re a bunch of geeked out morons who will go and see any old cat’s vomit we serve up.   

Films effected will be: Thor 2: Dark Worlds, Star Trek 2, Hunger Games 2, Grown Ups 2, The Muppets 2, Riddick 2, Machete 2, Red 2Wolverine 2Insidious 2, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Star Wars Episode 2 3D, 300 2, GI Joe 2, Percy Jackson 2, The Smurfs 2, Despicable Me 2, Last Exorcism 2,  Kick Ass 2Bad Santa 2Anchorman 2,  Sin City 2: a Dame to Kill ForIron Man 3, Hangover 3, Star Wars Episode 3, 3D, Paranormal Activity 5, Fast and Furious 6, Step Up 6, and (A Good Day to) Die Hard 6.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 7: GEORGE LUCAS


Caviare, lobster, champagne, more caviare, more champagne and gold flaked crackers

I drive up to the Skywalker Ranch and George Lucas leaps out of a  bush and into the road. ‘Wa-Hey!’ he yells, grabbing me and dancing around the car. ‘Woo hoo!’ After about two hours of exuberance which involves tree climbing, dancing about and games of tag, we head up to Chewbacca HQ where breakfast is served.

  We start with large bowls of Coco pops and beluga caviare, with Dom Perignon champagne. As we tuck in, I ask Lucas about the Disney deal.

What does he plan to do with the money?

Charity. I’m going to put it all into an education programme, but before that I’ve put it all in the swimming pool. All $4 billion. We’ll got for a swim after breakfast. More lobster.

Thank you very much. But I haven’t brought a costume.
Doesn’t matter. We’ll go skinny dipping. (high pitched maniacal laughter).

Of course, I’d love to go swimming in $4 billion but the idea of going skinny dipping with George Lucas is now in my mind cinema and I want it to turn off, so I ask:

And what about now? What are you hoping to do?
Future projects and stuff? I’m glad you asked. Finally I am free of the stifling responsibility of the most awe inspiring universe a man has ever created out of his own bearded oddly necked head. Now, I’m free to make those personal, experimental, small films I’ve always wanted to make.

Like?
All that commercial trash has just tied me down for so long. Of course, it was iconic. In fact, the word iconic didn’t exist before 1977 and the first Star Wars film. Coincidence? I very much think not.

So?
The thing about Star Wars is it affected a generation so deeply and yet for my the artist genius who created it if you will, it became a burden. In a way I’m kind of like God. God created a universe – the universe as some scientists and religious leaders termed it – and I created a universe, the Star Wars TM universe. But I got bored of it. I imagine God has as well. And now I’m ready to do new things. Loads of things. Too many to mention.

Later we’re towelling off and getting into clean clothes after our money swim when George makes an excuse and leaves. He is pacing up and down in the garden and I can here him talking on the phone. His voice is strained and desperate.

‘I’ve made a terrible mistake, Mr. Mouse,’ he says. ‘Please I want it back. I want my baby. Please!’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

JULIA ROBERTS SELLS HER SMILE TO THE CHINESE

BEIJING – Following George Lucas’ sale of the Star Wars franchise to Disney, Julia Roberts announced today that the Chinese government have successfully acquired her smile for the cool sum of $6 billion.

The representative for the Chinese Government speaking in Beijing today said that the People’s Democratic Republic of China were delighted at having acquired such a valuable asset. Ms. Roberts was forced to sell her smile when her heavy investments in a new TV show called Pigs Fighting led to heavy losses which, coupled with an addiction to Role Playing Games, saw the Pretty Woman at her wits’ end.
Although some sources have suggested that the Chinese want to use the smile for military purposes, as a kind of missile shield for instance, the Chinese insist that it is going to be used for public good “Just, you know, to make everyone feel better about themselves.”
Ms. Roberts was unavailable for comment.

STAR WARS EPISODE 7 PLOT REVEALED!











Earlier today social media platforms exploded with the news that Disney has bought Lucas Film and plans to make Star Wars Episode 7 in 2015.

We caught up with George in his vault dressed in a bathing suit and swimming in gold coins.

George, how the devil are you?

I’m rich baby, rich as rich can be.

So what made you sign over the rights of your life’s work to Disney?

In a word, money. I’m going to buy a continent, maybe Asia and declare myself Emperor.

Exciting stuff. What can you tell us about the upcoming Episodes 7,8,9?

Well it’s pretty simple. Luke has a son, Luke’s wife is killed, Luke turns to the dark side, Luke becomes Vader, Luke’s son becomes a Jedi, Luke’s son Kills Vader.

Wow, that’s original.

Indeed. Then for 10, 11, 12 Luke’s son has a son, the son’s wife is killed, the son turns to the dark side, the son becomes Vader, the Son’s son becomes a Jedi, The Son’s son kills Vader. Rinse and repeat Ad Nauseam until the end of time itself.

Interesting. Who will be playing Luke’s son?

Well it’s got to be Justin Bieber. He has millions of twitter followers and if we cast him that’s like an extra 500 million in the bank.


A shrewd move..anyone else?

Yeah sure. Ricky Gervias, Stephen Fry, Lady Gaga. Basically anyone with over 2 million twitter followers we’ll throw in there.

Will the original cast be returning?

I should think so. Let’s be honest, Fisher and Hamill need the cash and Ford needs a hit. Anyway, if they turn us down we’ll just get Andy Serkis in to play them all via motion capture.

What do you say to all those people who accuse you of destroying their childhoods by ruining a once beloved franchise with endless sequels.

I say F*ck you. I’ve got more money than China what the hell do I care what a bunch of peasants think?

A good point, well made. So what else are you going to do with your enormous wealth?

I’m going to make a sequel to Howard the Duck .


Star Wars Episode 7 to be released in 2015.

PIXAR BUY RIGHTS TO TOXIC AVENGER

SAN FRANCISCO – Animation studio Pixar have secured the rights to the 1984 Troma movie The Toxic Avenger, along with possible sequel rights.

According to in-house sources, the studio was disappointed with the critical reception of its last two films Cars 2 and The Brave and felt that a radical change of direction was necessary.

John Lasseter took a giant shit on Cars 2 and now he feels he needs to come up with something that is going to reclaim the studio’s reputation for quality,’ says Dwight, an animator who does mostly hands. ‘Then The Brave came out and everyone’s like this is just Disneyed the fuck up so we went across the street to Eli Roth and asked him about who had the rights to Hostel. He turned us down with some bullshit, so next stop Troma.’

Troma have already been looking to remake some of their movies as PG 13 entertainment pieces with ladled on nostalgia value. Lloyd Kaufman said that Troma were delighted to be collaborating with the famed and Oscar winning team that brought Toy Story to the screen.

Usually Pixar make films that are ostensibly for kids but which adults can also enjoy, but this time they’ll make kids which are definitely for adults but which we know kids will somehow get to see and enjoy. Whatever happens it has to be better than Cars 2 which neither kids nor adults enjoyed.

The Toxic Avenger is in the early stages of production and the release date is yet to be scheduled.