RON HOWARD PROMISES TO DE-LEGO HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Happy Days actor and Rush director Ron Howard has promised that his Han Solo won’t feature Lego.

Ron Howard has been called in to replace Philip Lord and Chris Miller and has promised that he will reverse the Lego-like direction the new Star Wars film was going in. Kathleen Kennedy spoke to the Studio Exec:

The thing we all love about Ron is that there’s no Lego in any of his movies. Far and Away: no Lego. Rush: No Lego. Cinderella Man: no Lego. Apollo 13: no Lego. I could go on.

Please don’t.

Splash and A Beautiful Mind and The DaVinci Code: No L… wait I think there might have been some Lego in The DaVinci Code. But that was very much the anomaly.

Apart from the no Lego thing what does Ron bring to the table for Star Wars?

Well, he’s available. He has no discernible style to get in the way of the franchise. We’re kind of sick of all this ‘respect my vision’ bullshit. This is a Han Solo movie. The vision is: do you want to see a Han Solo movie? Yes. Okay open your eyes. There it is. What do you mean where’s the Lego? Get out of my house.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

 

PHIL COLLINS ADMITS TO VOICING EMMA WATSON IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran rocker and Genesis front man Phil Collins today confessed that he was the voice behind Emma Watson’s Belle in the new live action Beauty and the Beast.

British rocker Phil Collins admits to being the voice behind Emma Watson in Disney’s new Beauty and the Beast. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. But the divorce lawyers took a real bite and I need the moolah. First they came sniffing around the time of La La Land. Just a little bit of vocals, Phil, they said. Three days tops. So I said yes.

This was for Ryan Gosling’s role?phil collins

No, Emma Stone. She’s a beautiful lady and she’s got a pair of pegs on her. But Lord her singing voice was like someone bunging a cat locked in a fridge down a spiral staircase. Lorks!

So you dubbed Emma Stone in La La Land?

Yes.

She won an Oscar for that role.

Did she? I don’t keep up with the showbiz. It depresses me frankly.

Then you got the Beauty and the Beast gig?

Yeah. They liked what I’d done so they must have thought, Phil’s the go-to guy to voice Emmas.  It was a bit harder, but I managed. Hermione had given it her best shot bless her. But her best shot sounded roughly the equivalent of someone killing a bucket of baby seals with a claw-headed hammer.

Not good.

Someone called 911. And it was someone in the studio who knew what was happening.

So you came in.

Yeah. And I gargled with pineapple juice and away I went.

Pineapple juice?

Yeah. It makes me sound less like a dustbin man and more like a young scrap of a lass.

What’s your next project?

Emily Blunt. Oh and I’m doing a charity record for the victims of drone attacks.

What’s it called?

I can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight (Oh Lord).

Beauty and the Beast is in cinemas.

GEORGE LUCAS TO REMAKE PHANTOM MENACE

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas announced that he is remaking Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

When George Lucas sold the rights to Star Wars, he inserted a secret clause written in lemon juice so no one could read it. This clause reserves the rights of any remake of his Star Wars prequels to Mr. Lucas himself. Today he announced that he would be pursuing this opportunity and remaking the first of the much maligned Star Wars prequels.

I’ve sat out some of the movies and it hasn’t felt good. I wanted to make my own little art house movies but that lasted about a week. Now I want to get back on the Jedi Knight saddle and try again.

Why Phantom Menace?

I got the idea from watching The Force Awakens. It occurred to me that if they can just remake A New Hope why can’t I have another stab at The Phantom Menace.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I think that I got it wrong. In the past I’ve been resistant to criticism but I have had time to look at my mistakes and work out what went wrong. I asked myself if I got the chance to do it again what would I change. Number one, more humor. Two, more Jar Jar Binks. Number three, more woohoo and woops from Anakin.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I just… didn’t I just answer that.

Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace Awakens will be released in 2018.

HIDDEN GEMS: 18. BAMBI

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week Bambi. You’re welcome.

Of course we all know that cartoons can’t be films. Not really. Those assholes at Pixar have tried to convince us otherwise. But we all know. That thing with Tom Hanks’ voice isn’t really. Ity’s just a picture. And so it goes. Before Pixar there was a studio called Disney started by Walt Disney, a guy famous for being not too keen on the Jews. But when he wasn’t not liking the Jews he was also busy drawing pictures of shit. One day he’d been trying to draw a mouse but kept fucking up the hand, not getting the right number of fingers. He knocked the whole pile off the desk and as they fell to the floor he noticed that the different pictures fluttering in sequence looked like motion. ‘Money!’ he shouted.

Bambi was one of his first movies and nobody has ever seen, but it is really worth hunting down. Oh, shit that’s actually not appropriate given…

So, Bambi tells the story of a deer, like the animal, growing up in the forest. His friendships with the other animals, evading the dangers of fire and hunters, dealing with parental death and it’s for kids. I know a cartoon about animals. No wonder it flopped. The film is beautiful to look at and really moving. Years later Michael Cimino was to remake it but from the perspective of the hunters. His film was a disaster because he tacked on a load of stuff about the Vietnam War. Disney disowned it in the end.

So Bambi. Give it a chance. Not bad.

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

TOM FORD TO DIRECT LIVE ACTION VERSION OF THE RESCUERS

HOLLYWOOD- Tom Ford’s third film will be a live-action remake of Disney’s The Rescuers.

Following his successful debut A Single Man and his more recent Nocturnal Animals, fashion designer turned cineaste Tom Ford is to take the helm of a live-action adaptation of Disney favorite The Rescuers. Very little is known about the new version of the children’s classic. Rumor has it that Emily Blunt and Colin Firth are in talks to appear in the roles of Bianca and Bernie, the two mice who go on a mission to rescue a little girl being held captive in a swamp.tom-ford-photo

Tom Ford spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about his new film:

The difficult thing will be designing the costumes for the actors so that they look like mice. It is going to be very very difficult. I keep telling Disney, you know how we should do this? As a cartoon. But they same to be determined to do it live-action and I don’t know why.

There’s already a cartoon version.

There is? That I did not know. 

Released in 1977.

Huh! How did they get the actors to look like mice?

Well, because it was a cartoon.

Well, you see there you go. Didn’t I just say?

The Rescuers will be released in 2018.

SCRIPT LEAK: GUY RITCHIE’S ALADDIN

HOLLYWOOD – Read the script for Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Disney’s Aladdin.

News that Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin has been green lit hit the internet yesterday. Today, the Studio Exec got EXCLUSIVE access to the script. Here is an excerpt.

EXT: THE DESERT. NIGHT

Aladdin, his pet pit bull Stains and Jafar approach the mouth of the cave.

JAFFAR

Aladdin, you slag! Get in that f*cking cave and get me my effing lamp.

ALADDIN

Awight, me old mucker! Be out in a jiffy.

INT. CAVE. NIGHT

Aladdin searches through piles of treasure, flies a magic carpet with Stainsand finds the lamp. 

ALADDIN

Jesus H. This lamp’s bleedin’ filthy. I’m gonna give it a good old rub.

Rubbing the lamp, Aladdin releases a huge blue Genie!

GENIE

Two thousand years is such a pain the ARSE!

ALADDIN

Cor blimey! 

GENIE
Awight Guvnor. What can I do for you? You got yerself three cups and dishes.

ALADDIN

Cups and dishes.

GENIE

Cups and dishes – Wishes. Shine a light. 

ALADDIN

Awight. I’ll have a motor, a nice new gaff and a packet of fish and chips please.

GENIE

Whoa! Hold your horses mucker. Doncha wanna become a Prince, impress Princess Jasmine, fly around the world singing a song. 

ALADDIN

What a chump! Wait. I’ll have a pint of warm beer instead of the fish and chips. What was I thinking?

Stains, Genie and Aladdin sing a ‘Whole New World’ and get pissed up on booze.

THE END

For more script leaks CLICK HERE.

DISNEY ANNOUNCE SEVEN DWARFS TO GET SEVEN STAND ALONE MOVIES

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have announced that the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White are to each receive a stand alone live action movie.

Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are to each receive a stand alone spin off movie, produced by the Disney Studios. The Studio Exec spoke with Peter Dinklage who is to star in all of the movies.

So you happy with this Pete?

On the one hand yes. The timing couldn’t be better. Filming is due to start on the first later this year. Game of Thrones is winding down. And Pete’s gotta eat! But…

Reservations?

Well, when they first talked to me about it I did have a bit of a worry that I was going to be typecast, as basically, you know a dwarf.

I see. 

But I spoke with my good friend Michael Caine.

I didn’t know you knew Michael Caine.

Oh we’ve been friends since The Station Agent.

Right.

And he said I should go back to the original and watch it again. He said that I should look for the core of each character and so that’s what I did. I went back and looked for the core of the character.

And…?

Well, I found that one of them was kind of angry all the time. Always in a bad mood.

Grumpy.

Exactly. So I thought, okay I have his core. Michael comes from the Stanislavksi school, so that’s why he was giving me this advice and so am I. The next one seemed always to be tired, fatigued, in need of bed…

Sleepy?

Yeah, exactly. So I had his core and so on and so forth. One was intelligent so I thought to myself what if he were a PhD?

Doc!

Wow! Exec, you’re reading my mind.

But those are just the names of the Seven Dwarfs, Peter.

Get outta town.

For reals. 

That Caine’s a piece of shit.

Peter Dinklage will next be seen in Dopey.

 

MARY POPPINS RETURNS: PEOPLE STILL SHOCKED THAT DISNEY MAKE SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – In news that totally blindsided the internet yesterday it was announced that beloved Disney classic Mary Poppins would have a sequel, provisionally entitled Mary Poppins Returns.

It came out of a blue sky, a missile with an umbrella and a big bag full of an unbelievable amount of consternation. Mary Poppins Returns is actually going to happen and people lost their shit! Across Social Media the keening sound that Arab women make when mourning could be heard echoing across old London town. ‘It’s unbelievable,’ one irate blogger wrote.

How can Disney do this? Everyone knows that Mary Poppins is a unique story beloved of generations. Why ruin everything with an unnecessary, money grabbing sequel?

The shock was felt all the more keenly because Disney have never done such a thing in the past. Of course, there has been Aladdin 2: Jafar’s Revenge, Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, The Rescuers Down Under, The Lion King 1 and a half, The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea, Bambi 2, Tarzan and Jane, Pocahontas 2: Journey to the New World,  The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2, Cinderella 2 and 3, 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure, The Fox and the Hound 2, Kronk’s New Groove and so on. And that’s not to mention the Pixar sequels and Star Wars: the Force Awakens and so on and so forth. And it can’t be done well obviously as was proven by the recent live action remake of The Jungle Book which was critically lambasted oops sorry lauded. Of course, what really hurts is that this is taking a property from the writer PL Travers (played by Emma Thompson) that was unique and special and one of a kind. Along with the other seven books that she wrote in the series!

Emily Blunt will play Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins Returns will be released in December, 2018.

 

SLIGHTLY LESS CRAP FILM BEATS CRAP FILM AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – The figures are in for the weekend and the news is that a slightly less crap film has beaten a crap film at the box office.

The Memorial Weekend figures are in and X-Men: Apocalypse released by Fox has easily won over Disney’s Alice Through the Looking Glass, which performed disappointingly for anyone who likes to see unnecessary sequels to bad films financially rewarded. Although the eleventy-th X-Men film beat out its immediate rival, it didn’t perform as well as the last entry in the flaccid comic book series X-Men: Days of Future Past, leading some analysts to argue that perhaps people are growing tired of mediocre films based on comic books which are essentially for children. However, others have pointed to the fact that the film is still likely to make money and now the dream machines that are kept locked in each studio have now all been fitted so as to only convert properties into CGI rich franchises, it is unlikely that that the studios will want to change direction anytime soon.

For more film news, click here.

JOHN GOODMAN CONFIRMED AS HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Disney today confirmed that John Goodman would be taking on the iconic role of Han Solo in a stand alone Star Wars film to be directed by Chris Miller and Phil Lord of Lego Movie fame.

Roseanne Barr’s husband and Barton Fink’s next door neighbor John Goodman is to take over from Harrison Ford as everyone’s favorite smuggler, Han Solo, in a new stand alone Star Wars film. Despite rumors that Alden Ehrenreich of Hail Caesar! has been cast in the role, Disney today confirmed that they were going with Goodman. A source from within Disney spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We wanted to go in a different direction. We wanted people to say ‘John Goodman as Han Solo? huh!’ And I think we’ve already achieved that.

But isn’t John Goodman too old to play a young Han Solo?

We always saw Han as a mature character. Even when he’s young he has a certain gravitas and a certain heft. You watch John Goodman in 10 Cloverfield Lane or Matinee and you’ll know exactly why we hired him. He’s in practically ever decent Coen Brothers film that there is. There’s a reason for that.

John Goodman himself phoned later this evening to offer his thoughts on becoming the pilot of the Millennium Falcon.

To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t like Star Wars. I find it a childish fantasy and I particularly hate the way the young people are being sold this regurgitated nostalgia for a time that they never themselves experienced. It’s like your parents forcing you to listen to Pink Floyd under some misapprehension that it’s good.

So why are you doing it?

Well, I read the script and… money.

Han Solo: 12 Parsecs to Fame will be released in 2019.

INSIDE OUT 2: THE BIPOLAR YEARS GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Inside Out 2: The Bipolar Years will take the Pixar movie into early adulthood.

The first Inside Out was widely touted as a return to form for Pixar Disney, but the sequel will look to explore darker issues in Inside Out 2: The Bipolar Years.  The official synopsis reads:

Riley is in her mid-twenties and trying to make her way in the world as an intern. She has a boyfriend who she feels is cheating on her and has self-esteem issues which lead to a variety of self-destructive behaviors that are only momentarily calmed by the onset of crushingly dangerous depths of depression.

Peter Docter spoke to us EXCLUSIVELY about the new film.

The first film was very much Joy’s movie, voiced by the marvelous Amy Poehler, as she did her best to come to terms with the nuanced complexities of a child’s inner world. This time round the emotions are much more confused with Joy, Fear (Bill Hader), Anger (Lewis Black)  and Sadness (Phyllis Smith)  being joined by Self-Loathing, Creeping Anxiety and Existential Dread. As we witnessed Riley go from child to girl so we watch young woman turn into wreck.

Wow. That’s not as life-affirming as the original, is it?

Yes and no. But mostly no. We knew that Riley felt like a real person to us and audiences, and we wanted to see her grow up. We watched all the Bridget Jones movies and that was the fountain we kept coming back to for more. Oh and she ends up going to the North Pole and Antarctica, so we address that too.

Inside Out 2: the Bipolar Years will be released in 2018.

JOHN CARTER OF BARROW-IN-FURNESS ANNOUNCED

BARROW-IN-FURNESS – After the mega-flop that was Andrew Stanton‘s John Carter – AKA John Carter of Mars – the idea of a sequel was as welcome as a policeman with a grim expression ringing your doorbell at 4 o’clock in the morning to tell you they’ve found the body.

However, it turns out Disney made loads of toys that they haven’t sold and so for artistic reasons will be making a sequel after all, but one with a much lower budget. Andrew Stanton – the ‘director’ – said: 

We’ve slashed the budget. And we’ve decided we’re going to have to be much more creative . Unfortunately when you don’t have a large budget it does impact on the kind of story you can tell. So for instance, John Carter of Mars? Well, Mars is kind of expensive. Barrow-in-Furness on the other hand is a small English industrial town in the North West of England, where accommodation is very cheap. Importantly, for some of the action sequences, so is life.

Located south of the Lake District and with a population of 69,000, Barrow-in-Furness has been used before as a location for John Hilcoat’s The Road and Stanley Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, where it stood in for New York. Giorgio Valentino – Mr Kubrick’s dentist – said, “It looks nothing like New York, but it is cheap.”

In the original film, John Carter was able to jump massive distances due to the difference in gravity between Mars and Earth. As he will only be travelling from America to England such jumping advantages is likely to be eliminated.

John Carter Manager of Stitch Express














“I consider that a win win,” Stanton says, “The jumping looked silly and it will be cheaper not to do it. Plus we won’t have a huge civil war between alien races. Rather, I think we’re going with story in which John Carter becomes manager of Stitch Express and gets into a row with the herbal store next door but they unite to defeat the council who are digging up the road for maintenance work on the sewers.”

John Carter 2: John Carter of Barrow-in-Furness will be released in 2017.

EMMA STONE CAST IN LIVE ACTION MULAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following her quarter Hawaiian quarter Chinese role in Cameron Crowe’s Aloha, Emma Stone continues her fight for racially diverse roles for white actresses, starring in a live action remake of Disney classic Mulan.

Emma Stone (Birdman and Irrational Man) will take on the role of Hua Mulan the legendary female warrior from China’s early history.

She spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

When I was in Aloha, Cameron Crowe wrote me a really interesting character in Captain Allison Ng. As a girl who is about as white as you can be, I rarely get the opportunity to play outside of my ethnic category, but Cameron cast me as a girl who was quarter Chinese, quarter Hawaiian and half Swedish. It was a real challenge and I think I pulled it off. So this made me hungry to stretch myself and appear in something where I would be completely another ethnicity.

And so Mulan?

Yes, exactly. Here I’m not just playing a character who is entirely Chinese, Hua Mulan is also a Chinese hero, an iconic figure which is sure to make some people sit up and pay attention.

It is going to be controversial.

I know but I’ve always wanted to challenge fixed notions of race. Many people don’t know this but when I originally auditioned for The Help, I actually went in and read for Aibeleen, the character that Viola Davis ended up playing. Everyone though was just trying to make myself stand out, but I seriously wanted that role. After all black actresses get all the parts these days.

Mulan will be released in 2018.