DISNEY+ BUY CLOSED CINEMAS

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ buy closed cinemas across North America and Europe.

In a press conference earlier today, the mouse mafiosa announced Disney+ will buy closed cinemas, turning them into Disney+ stores.


Closed Cinemas ‘Re-educated’

The kiddies Cosa Nostra confirmed they intend to buy any cinema that has been forced to close over the last year because of the Covid19 pandemic, so they may ‘re-educate’ them into Disney+ stores. They will then sell Disney+ products and merchandise, much like Apple Stores. Customers will have to make appointments with their own ‘Mickey Consultant’ before they can buy anything.

It’s A Trap!

Disney spokesperson, Jordan Belfort confirmed, ‘Soon, every closed art-house, boutique and multiplex cinema will be re-educated into a Disney+ Wonderland Store. Any Disney+ subscriber will need to make ‘In-house Upgrades’ in order to continue to take advantage of their subscription service. They will be required to buy the appropriate merchandise if they wish to watch their favorite shows and movies. For example, if you like The Mandalorian, you WILL have to buy a Baby Yoda Grogu Collectable. Each purchase will send a code direct to your Wifi router which will unlock the show. A brand new purchase will be required for each profile on the account. None of that family code sharing crap. Mickey gotta get paid.’


This Is The Way

I put it to Jordan that this was an unfair and unethical marketing strategy that takes advantage of loyal and devoted fans. He replied, ‘Hahahahahahaha! Frankly, you’ve all bought this upon yourselves. The Disney conglomerate family were happy to just keep making millions and millions each year on kid’s stuff. You know what I mean, Cinderella, Bambi, fucking Pete’s Dragon, whatever man. But oh no. Then we got these fucking so-called adults. You know the ones. They wear film related t-shirts, even though they’re in their 40s. They’ll sit at work and tut at you if you ‘don’t get’ their latest reference to a fucking superhero film. Then actually look at you like YOU’RE the prick!’

‘They started buying our shit in droves. What else were they gonna spend their money on? It wasn’t going on dates or having their own kids, that’s for sure. They gotta fill the gaping void with something, anything that fills the silence. So they bought collectables to stop crying themselves to sleep every night. I mean, we couldn’t make this shit quick enough. They just gobbled it down like a $20 hooker. We stopped making millions and millions. We were making billions and billions man! It was beautiful. We didn’t have to lift a finger. With great money comes great power. Fuck the responsibility part. That’s Spiderman’s gig, and we don’t own him. Fucking Sony Pictures do-gooder.


That’s Chinatown

Mr Belfort then nodded to two associates at the back of the room, one dressed as Goofy, one as Daffy Duck. They removed me from the room, took me into a back alley and kicked the living shit out of me. I was pissing blood for a month. But at least while I was in traction, I was able to re-watch all the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies in Timeline Order. EXCELSIOR!

DISNEY ANNOUNCES YODA CODA

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announces Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of.

Mousey streaming service giant, Disney announces their new film, Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of will stream on their subscription channel, Disney+.

Much Money Will You Pay

The Mickey Mouse film studio announced Star Wars fans will be able to stream the film on the Disney+ channel, for an additional fee, from Christmas Day onwards. It will then be moved into the main section of their streaming service once, ‘All your money, have we taken… heheheheh.’ A source within the company told The Exec.

Your Younglings, Nag They Will

The source continued, ‘The Mandalorian, great success has it been. Baby Yoda, many young fans has he. Nag their parents into buying this film, they will. Sick of the noise and desperate for quiet on Christmas Day, will adults be. Pay through the ass, they will.’

An Adult Craves Not These Things

‘Cashing in are we. Many adult fans of The Mandalorian there are. Collectibles, hah! Limited editions, hah! An adult craves not these things. For children are these. Toys they are called. Grow up, may these adults never. Deep are their pockets. Digital is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to streaming, streaming leads to subscriptions, subscriptions leads to suffering.

Control, Control, We Must Have Control

The announcement comes in the wake of Warner Bros declaring their entire 2021 slate will receive a digital release on HBO Max. Our inside source at Disney went on to say, ‘Warners trying to compete with us, abide we cannot. Begun these online wars have. Crush them, we will.’ Our source then closed his eyes, raised his three fingered hand-thing and floated out of the room.

Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of streams on Disney+ from 25th December, for an additional fee. Obvious, it is.

MARY POPPINS RETURNS WILL BE A HARD ‘R’

Mary Poppins sequel – Mary Poppins Returns – starring Emily Blunt, will be a hard ‘R’, according to sources inside the studio.

Following the release of the trailer for the new Disney film Mary Poppins Returns, it came as a surprise when rumors began to float around that the film would receive a hard R rating, usually reserved for extreme violence or explicit sex. A source close to the production told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Well, there is a lot of fucking.

But this is Mary Poppins Returns? It’s a Disney film. You know? For kids?

I know but Rob Marshall wanted to take it in a totally different direction. Yes, we have the kids and Mary Poppins and London. But we also have poverty, social commentary. Lin Manuel Miranda wanted his chimney sweeps to be tough and sexy and blimey is all I can say: blimey. 

There are still songs though, aren’t there?

Oh yes, but they’re all updated. Sexy MF by Prince makes an appearance as well Rihanna’s Bitch Better Have My Money. These are mixed in with the classics like Get up my Chim-Chiminee and Supercalifragiolisticxxxbialidocious. Though the lyrics are a bit different.

Mary Poppins Returns will be out in December.

GEORGE LUCAS WORKING ON ROM-COM

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas revealed today the nature of his long-awaited new project: a rom-com called Button Pants.

THX 1138, American Graffiti and Star Wars director George Lucas has a new project. And he came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the idea:

It’s completely different from what I’ve done in the past. Frankly, I want to get away from big budget fantasy and sci-fi and go back to my roots as an experimental arty film director. I want to make low budget personal films. Small films. You dig, SE?

Lay it on me daddio!

Groovy. Well, I call it Button Pants.

I like it already. 

It’s about this guy who wants to buy a pair of button pants. But he lives in this small town where the only pant shop sells you know trousers with zippers. So he goes on this road journey to find pants with buttons.

What’s the title again?

Button Pants.

It sounds fantastic. 

Thanks, man. He meets this girl and she’s trying to find a dress with like hooks instead of zippers or buttons.

There’s a theme emerging.

I knew you’d understand. So they team up together and one night he confesses a dreadful secret.

Intriguing. 

You see his mother never knew a man and he was conceived via the Midichlorians. There’s a real chance that he could be the one who will bring balance to the Force. He complains a bit about sand and then the two are kidnapped and taken to the Death Star.

Wait. What the fuck? What happened to the button pants?

I’ll get back to it. Luckily, on the Death Star, they team up with an old star pirate called San Holo and his large Mookie Smokkacigaretta.

Fuck off, George. 

Together, they… hey ow.

Button Pants will be released in 2020 by Disney.

 

 

DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

RON HOWARD PROMISES TO DE-LEGO HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Happy Days actor and Rush director Ron Howard has promised that his Han Solo won’t feature Lego.

Ron Howard has been called in to replace Philip Lord and Chris Miller and has promised that he will reverse the Lego-like direction the new Star Wars film was going in. Kathleen Kennedy spoke to the Studio Exec:

The thing we all love about Ron is that there’s no Lego in any of his movies. Far and Away: no Lego. Rush: No Lego. Cinderella Man: no Lego. Apollo 13: no Lego. I could go on.

Please don’t.

Splash and A Beautiful Mind and The DaVinci Code: No L… wait I think there might have been some Lego in The DaVinci Code. But that was very much the anomaly.

Apart from the no Lego thing what does Ron bring to the table for Star Wars?

Well, he’s available. He has no discernible style to get in the way of the franchise. We’re kind of sick of all this ‘respect my vision’ bullshit. This is a Han Solo movie. The vision is: do you want to see a Han Solo movie? Yes. Okay open your eyes. There it is. What do you mean where’s the Lego? Get out of my house.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

 

PHIL COLLINS ADMITS TO VOICING EMMA WATSON IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran rocker and Genesis front man Phil Collins today confessed that he was the voice behind Emma Watson’s Belle in the new live action Beauty and the Beast.

British rocker Phil Collins admits to being the voice behind Emma Watson in Disney’s new Beauty and the Beast. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’m thoroughly ashamed of myself. But the divorce lawyers took a real bite and I need the moolah. First they came sniffing around the time of La La Land. Just a little bit of vocals, Phil, they said. Three days tops. So I said yes.

This was for Ryan Gosling’s role?phil collins

No, Emma Stone. She’s a beautiful lady and she’s got a pair of pegs on her. But Lord her singing voice was like someone bunging a cat locked in a fridge down a spiral staircase. Lorks!

So you dubbed Emma Stone in La La Land?

Yes.

She won an Oscar for that role.

Did she? I don’t keep up with the showbiz. It depresses me frankly.

Then you got the Beauty and the Beast gig?

Yeah. They liked what I’d done so they must have thought, Phil’s the go-to guy to voice Emmas.  It was a bit harder, but I managed. Hermione had given it her best shot bless her. But her best shot sounded roughly the equivalent of someone killing a bucket of baby seals with a claw-headed hammer.

Not good.

Someone called 911. And it was someone in the studio who knew what was happening.

So you came in.

Yeah. And I gargled with pineapple juice and away I went.

Pineapple juice?

Yeah. It makes me sound less like a dustbin man and more like a young scrap of a lass.

What’s your next project?

Emily Blunt. Oh and I’m doing a charity record for the victims of drone attacks.

What’s it called?

I can Feel it Coming in the Air Tonight (Oh Lord).

Beauty and the Beast is in cinemas.

GEORGE LUCAS TO REMAKE PHANTOM MENACE

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas announced that he is remaking Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

When George Lucas sold the rights to Star Wars, he inserted a secret clause written in lemon juice so no one could read it. This clause reserves the rights of any remake of his Star Wars prequels to Mr. Lucas himself. Today he announced that he would be pursuing this opportunity and remaking the first of the much maligned Star Wars prequels.

I’ve sat out some of the movies and it hasn’t felt good. I wanted to make my own little art house movies but that lasted about a week. Now I want to get back on the Jedi Knight saddle and try again.

Why Phantom Menace?

I got the idea from watching The Force Awakens. It occurred to me that if they can just remake A New Hope why can’t I have another stab at The Phantom Menace.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I think that I got it wrong. In the past I’ve been resistant to criticism but I have had time to look at my mistakes and work out what went wrong. I asked myself if I got the chance to do it again what would I change. Number one, more humor. Two, more Jar Jar Binks. Number three, more woohoo and woops from Anakin.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I just… didn’t I just answer that.

Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace Awakens will be released in 2018.

HIDDEN GEMS: 18. BAMBI

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. This week Bambi. You’re welcome.

Of course we all know that cartoons can’t be films. Not really. Those assholes at Pixar have tried to convince us otherwise. But we all know. That thing with Tom Hanks’ voice isn’t really. Ity’s just a picture. And so it goes. Before Pixar there was a studio called Disney started by Walt Disney, a guy famous for being not too keen on the Jews. But when he wasn’t not liking the Jews he was also busy drawing pictures of shit. One day he’d been trying to draw a mouse but kept fucking up the hand, not getting the right number of fingers. He knocked the whole pile off the desk and as they fell to the floor he noticed that the different pictures fluttering in sequence looked like motion. ‘Money!’ he shouted.

Bambi was one of his first movies and nobody has ever seen, but it is really worth hunting down. Oh, shit that’s actually not appropriate given…

So, Bambi tells the story of a deer, like the animal, growing up in the forest. His friendships with the other animals, evading the dangers of fire and hunters, dealing with parental death and it’s for kids. I know a cartoon about animals. No wonder it flopped. The film is beautiful to look at and really moving. Years later Michael Cimino was to remake it but from the perspective of the hunters. His film was a disaster because he tacked on a load of stuff about the Vietnam War. Disney disowned it in the end.

So Bambi. Give it a chance. Not bad.

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

TOM FORD TO DIRECT LIVE ACTION VERSION OF THE RESCUERS

HOLLYWOOD- Tom Ford’s third film will be a live-action remake of Disney’s The Rescuers.

Following his successful debut A Single Man and his more recent Nocturnal Animals, fashion designer turned cineaste Tom Ford is to take the helm of a live-action adaptation of Disney favorite The Rescuers. Very little is known about the new version of the children’s classic. Rumor has it that Emily Blunt and Colin Firth are in talks to appear in the roles of Bianca and Bernie, the two mice who go on a mission to rescue a little girl being held captive in a swamp.tom-ford-photo

Tom Ford spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about his new film:

The difficult thing will be designing the costumes for the actors so that they look like mice. It is going to be very very difficult. I keep telling Disney, you know how we should do this? As a cartoon. But they same to be determined to do it live-action and I don’t know why.

There’s already a cartoon version.

There is? That I did not know. 

Released in 1977.

Huh! How did they get the actors to look like mice?

Well, because it was a cartoon.

Well, you see there you go. Didn’t I just say?

The Rescuers will be released in 2018.

SCRIPT LEAK: GUY RITCHIE’S ALADDIN

HOLLYWOOD – Read the script for Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Disney’s Aladdin.

News that Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin has been green lit hit the internet yesterday. Today, the Studio Exec got EXCLUSIVE access to the script. Here is an excerpt.

EXT: THE DESERT. NIGHT

Aladdin, his pet pit bull Stains and Jafar approach the mouth of the cave.

JAFFAR

Aladdin, you slag! Get in that f*cking cave and get me my effing lamp.

ALADDIN

Awight, me old mucker! Be out in a jiffy.

INT. CAVE. NIGHT

Aladdin searches through piles of treasure, flies a magic carpet with Stainsand finds the lamp. 

ALADDIN

Jesus H. This lamp’s bleedin’ filthy. I’m gonna give it a good old rub.

Rubbing the lamp, Aladdin releases a huge blue Genie!

GENIE

Two thousand years is such a pain the ARSE!

ALADDIN

Cor blimey! 

GENIE
Awight Guvnor. What can I do for you? You got yerself three cups and dishes.

ALADDIN

Cups and dishes.

GENIE

Cups and dishes – Wishes. Shine a light. 

ALADDIN

Awight. I’ll have a motor, a nice new gaff and a packet of fish and chips please.

GENIE

Whoa! Hold your horses mucker. Doncha wanna become a Prince, impress Princess Jasmine, fly around the world singing a song. 

ALADDIN

What a chump! Wait. I’ll have a pint of warm beer instead of the fish and chips. What was I thinking?

Stains, Genie and Aladdin sing a ‘Whole New World’ and get pissed up on booze.

THE END

For more script leaks CLICK HERE.

DISNEY ANNOUNCE SEVEN DWARFS TO GET SEVEN STAND ALONE MOVIES

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have announced that the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White are to each receive a stand alone live action movie.

Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are to each receive a stand alone spin off movie, produced by the Disney Studios. The Studio Exec spoke with Peter Dinklage who is to star in all of the movies.

So you happy with this Pete?

On the one hand yes. The timing couldn’t be better. Filming is due to start on the first later this year. Game of Thrones is winding down. And Pete’s gotta eat! But…

Reservations?

Well, when they first talked to me about it I did have a bit of a worry that I was going to be typecast, as basically, you know a dwarf.

I see. 

But I spoke with my good friend Michael Caine.

I didn’t know you knew Michael Caine.

Oh we’ve been friends since The Station Agent.

Right.

And he said I should go back to the original and watch it again. He said that I should look for the core of each character and so that’s what I did. I went back and looked for the core of the character.

And…?

Well, I found that one of them was kind of angry all the time. Always in a bad mood.

Grumpy.

Exactly. So I thought, okay I have his core. Michael comes from the Stanislavksi school, so that’s why he was giving me this advice and so am I. The next one seemed always to be tired, fatigued, in need of bed…

Sleepy?

Yeah, exactly. So I had his core and so on and so forth. One was intelligent so I thought to myself what if he were a PhD?

Doc!

Wow! Exec, you’re reading my mind.

But those are just the names of the Seven Dwarfs, Peter.

Get outta town.

For reals. 

That Caine’s a piece of shit.

Peter Dinklage will next be seen in Dopey.

 

MARY POPPINS RETURNS: PEOPLE STILL SHOCKED THAT DISNEY MAKE SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – In news that totally blindsided the internet yesterday it was announced that beloved Disney classic Mary Poppins would have a sequel, provisionally entitled Mary Poppins Returns.

It came out of a blue sky, a missile with an umbrella and a big bag full of an unbelievable amount of consternation. Mary Poppins Returns is actually going to happen and people lost their shit! Across Social Media the keening sound that Arab women make when mourning could be heard echoing across old London town. ‘It’s unbelievable,’ one irate blogger wrote.

How can Disney do this? Everyone knows that Mary Poppins is a unique story beloved of generations. Why ruin everything with an unnecessary, money grabbing sequel?

The shock was felt all the more keenly because Disney have never done such a thing in the past. Of course, there has been Aladdin 2: Jafar’s Revenge, Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride, The Rescuers Down Under, The Lion King 1 and a half, The Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea, Bambi 2, Tarzan and Jane, Pocahontas 2: Journey to the New World,  The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2, Cinderella 2 and 3, 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure, The Fox and the Hound 2, Kronk’s New Groove and so on. And that’s not to mention the Pixar sequels and Star Wars: the Force Awakens and so on and so forth. And it can’t be done well obviously as was proven by the recent live action remake of The Jungle Book which was critically lambasted oops sorry lauded. Of course, what really hurts is that this is taking a property from the writer PL Travers (played by Emma Thompson) that was unique and special and one of a kind. Along with the other seven books that she wrote in the series!

Emily Blunt will play Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins Returns will be released in December, 2018.