MORE STAR WARS CONTENT THAN GRAINS OF SAND

BREAKING NEWS – A new study from MIT has been published that confirms there is more Star Wars content available than there are grains of sand on the planet. With the release of the final episode of The Book Of Boba Fett, there is now more Star Wars content than anyone who is gainfully employed, could ever watch.

More Star Wars Content? You salivating Womp Rats.

The MIT study that has been recently published had to engage a new counting super-computer to calculate both grains of sand and available content. The machine, given the pet name Count Dooku took three weeks to calculate how much of the franchise is available. It then took a fraction of the time to calculate how many grains of sand there are on the planet.

Ass Hole Interviewers

There have also been several reports of ass hole job interviewers now asking how much Star Wars content is there rather than asking how many windows are in that sky-scraper. The question now stumps even the most die-hard fans of the franchise. Sci-fi experts are now no longer able to keep up with Star Wars releases. It is thought there may be another super-computer involved at Disney.

Rumors There Are. Algorithms Have They.

Many ex-Disney employees advise the franchise is now being written by an algorithm, rather than employing writers. The machine is codenamed Kamino, the cloning planet that features in Episode II, Attack Of The Clones. It churns out new show and movie scripts along with rehashed Star Wars content faster than any writing team ever could achieve.

Disney Denies Assembly-Line Writing

A Disney spokesperson advised, ‘This is just nonsense. We at Disney Incorporated (all rights reserved) emphatically deny these allegations of mechanized writing. Hang on, we are proud to announce Obi-Wan, a new TV series streaming on Disney+ shortly. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. We deny any mechanized or factory writing is taking place. Wait a minute… We are proud to announce Sith: The Chronicles Of Darth Maul. It’s a new show that will stream… Wait a second… we are proud to announce Ewoks Ahoy! The new TV show that will stream on Disney+.’

Star Wars Content Is Churned Out Every Day On Disney+… But You Knew That Already.

OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

GET BACK 2 – PLEASE F*CK OFF GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – After the runaway success of Peter Jackson’s Get Back Beatles documentary, Disney have announced a sequel entitled Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off and has already started filming. This time around Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off will be a docu-drama based on The Smith’s ex frontman and erotic fiction author, Morrissey. The film is being directed by Shane Meadows and stars Paddy Considine in the lead role. The Exec spoke with Meadows about his latest project.

Shane, Please Tell Us About Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off

Peter (Jackson) called me up and said that Disney were driving truck after truck of money up his drive in an effort to get a sequel to Get Back. He didn’t want to helm it and thought my northern English roots made me the perfect choice to direct what is essentially a Morrissey biopic.

Has Morrissey Been Involved In This Project?

F*ck no! We wouldn’t let him anywhere near a Disney project. In fact we don’t even the rights to use any of his music, solo or with The Smiths. He refused. But to be honest, we kinds think that’s a good thing. Have you ever heard him? Jesus Christ, what a noise.

So You’re Not A Morrissey Fan?

Is anyone these days? Even if you were, you wouldn’t admit it. You’d be cancelled in seconds. But seriously, no I’m not. Just because I’m from that Manchester generation of creatives, doesn’t automatically make me a Morrissey disciple, all that warbling and jangling. Don’t hang the DJ, tell him to turn it up so we can’t hear any more from that insufferable bore.

How Close Have You Stuck To A True Story?

Oh, not all. We’ve really gone for ‘dramatic license’. Paddy is doing a marvelous job playing Morrissey as the tormented inventor of the British invasion to the States and Tom Hardy plays Johnny Marr like a cross between Keith Richards and George Best. It’s gonna be a real hatchet job. We’re gonna get sued by everyone, but thankfully it’s a Disney gig, so they can pay for lawyers.

Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off Is Due For Release In Early 2022

THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

 

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

MARVEL HAWKEYE SERIES STORYLINE

BREAKING NEWS – The Marvel Hawkeye series storyline has been leaked online. Starting at the end of the Korean War, the Marvel Hawkeye series storyline will follow the title character after he leaves his MASH Unit.

Marvel At Hawkeye and Corporal Klinger

 


Following Hawkeye after he leaves the Army and his MASH Unit behind, he travels to Seoul with Corporal Klinger and his wife. While in Seoul, Benjamin Hawkeye takes up archery and discovers his natural talent for the sport. Soon, he’s representing the USA in Archery at the Olympics, winning silver and missing out on gold to Bullseye (Colin Farrell).

 

SHIELD On The Radar

 

In the second episode, Hawkeye is recruited into SHIELD by his old Army buddy, Radar. Radar now works for SHIELD in communications and soon the two are battling against their nemesis, Major Margaret ‘Hotlips’ Houlihan. Elliot Gould turns up in a cameo role but leaves quickly when he realizes this is the TV MASH and not the movie.

 

Non-Stop Court Action

 

In the third episode, the estate of the late Robert Altman takes the makers of Hawkeye to court. It’s because they’re not seeing a penny from the characters that first appeared in Altman’s movie. The majority of the episode will be a ranting monologue from Altman’s lawyer about ‘those bastards at Fox’ and then ‘those corporate fuckers at Disney’.

 

Post Endgame

 

The show then jumps forward to the events immediately after Endgame. There we find Hawkeye at a crossroads in his life. He takes semi-retirement where he spends the rest of his days appearing in the occasional Neil Simon film adaptation and Woody Allen film. The Woody Allen films are all before that ‘you know’… business came out in the news. But let’s not get into that right now. That’s a whole other can of worms.

 

Hawkeye Premiers Soon On Disney+

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

 

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

 


The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

 

Marvel-lous Car Prices

 

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

 

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

 

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

DISNEY BUY GOD

HOLLYWOOD – Disney buy God.

Disney have acquired the rights for God, clinched in a late night deal signed in the Vatican for an undisclosed figure.

A Disney spokesperson said that the company were ‘very sensitive to how many fans of God feel. We are both proud and honored to be in a position to promote God in his next few manifestations.’

Although expected for some time, the speed of the deal still came as a surprise. Some believed that Mel Gibson‘s company Icon were also in talks to sign an exclusive contract. Show Business watcher and resident God botherer Jim Caviezel expressed the concerns of many God fans:

Disney came for Pixar and I was silent. Then Disney came for Star Wars and I didn’t speak out. They came for Indiana Jones, I held my peace. But now they have come for God… It is time that all like-minded folk stand up to the house of the mouse and say enough is enough. 

Pope Francis is understood to have been personally involved in broaching the deal and Vatican insiders say that his love of Mary Poppins ‘was not incidental to the decision making process.’ The deal gives Disney exclusive rights over the Catholic God, but the Muslim, Jewish and Protestant Gods are still up for grabs, though it is likely that the Disney acquisition will bring about a bidding war. Caviezel went on to say ‘You only have to look at what happened to the Hindus. Bollywood bought their Gods about five years ago and now they’ve been commercially exploited to death so no one believes in them any more.’

God’s next film The Resurrection will be released in 2022.  

DISNEY+ BUY CLOSED CINEMAS

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ buy closed cinemas across North America and Europe.

In a press conference earlier today, the mouse mafiosa announced Disney+ will buy closed cinemas, turning them into Disney+ stores.


Closed Cinemas ‘Re-educated’

The kiddies Cosa Nostra confirmed they intend to buy any cinema that has been forced to close over the last year because of the Covid19 pandemic, so they may ‘re-educate’ them into Disney+ stores. They will then sell Disney+ products and merchandise, much like Apple Stores. Customers will have to make appointments with their own ‘Mickey Consultant’ before they can buy anything.

It’s A Trap!

Disney spokesperson, Jordan Belfort confirmed, ‘Soon, every closed art-house, boutique and multiplex cinema will be re-educated into a Disney+ Wonderland Store. Any Disney+ subscriber will need to make ‘In-house Upgrades’ in order to continue to take advantage of their subscription service. They will be required to buy the appropriate merchandise if they wish to watch their favorite shows and movies. For example, if you like The Mandalorian, you WILL have to buy a Baby Yoda Grogu Collectable. Each purchase will send a code direct to your Wifi router which will unlock the show. A brand new purchase will be required for each profile on the account. None of that family code sharing crap. Mickey gotta get paid.’


This Is The Way

I put it to Jordan that this was an unfair and unethical marketing strategy that takes advantage of loyal and devoted fans. He replied, ‘Hahahahahahaha! Frankly, you’ve all bought this upon yourselves. The Disney conglomerate family were happy to just keep making millions and millions each year on kid’s stuff. You know what I mean, Cinderella, Bambi, fucking Pete’s Dragon, whatever man. But oh no. Then we got these fucking so-called adults. You know the ones. They wear film related t-shirts, even though they’re in their 40s. They’ll sit at work and tut at you if you ‘don’t get’ their latest reference to a fucking superhero film. Then actually look at you like YOU’RE the prick!’

‘They started buying our shit in droves. What else were they gonna spend their money on? It wasn’t going on dates or having their own kids, that’s for sure. They gotta fill the gaping void with something, anything that fills the silence. So they bought collectables to stop crying themselves to sleep every night. I mean, we couldn’t make this shit quick enough. They just gobbled it down like a $20 hooker. We stopped making millions and millions. We were making billions and billions man! It was beautiful. We didn’t have to lift a finger. With great money comes great power. Fuck the responsibility part. That’s Spiderman’s gig, and we don’t own him. Fucking Sony Pictures do-gooder.


That’s Chinatown

Mr Belfort then nodded to two associates at the back of the room, one dressed as Goofy, one as Daffy Duck. They removed me from the room, took me into a back alley and kicked the living shit out of me. I was pissing blood for a month. But at least while I was in traction, I was able to re-watch all the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies in Timeline Order. EXCELSIOR!

DISNEY ANNOUNCES YODA CODA

HOLLYWOOD – Disney announces Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of.

Mousey streaming service giant, Disney announces their new film, Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of will stream on their subscription channel, Disney+.

Much Money Will You Pay

The Mickey Mouse film studio announced Star Wars fans will be able to stream the film on the Disney+ channel, for an additional fee, from Christmas Day onwards. It will then be moved into the main section of their streaming service once, ‘All your money, have we taken… heheheheh.’ A source within the company told The Exec.

Your Younglings, Nag They Will

The source continued, ‘The Mandalorian, great success has it been. Baby Yoda, many young fans has he. Nag their parents into buying this film, they will. Sick of the noise and desperate for quiet on Christmas Day, will adults be. Pay through the ass, they will.’

An Adult Craves Not These Things

‘Cashing in are we. Many adult fans of The Mandalorian there are. Collectibles, hah! Limited editions, hah! An adult craves not these things. For children are these. Toys they are called. Grow up, may these adults never. Deep are their pockets. Digital is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to streaming, streaming leads to subscriptions, subscriptions leads to suffering.

Control, Control, We Must Have Control

The announcement comes in the wake of Warner Bros declaring their entire 2021 slate will receive a digital release on HBO Max. Our inside source at Disney went on to say, ‘Warners trying to compete with us, abide we cannot. Begun these online wars have. Crush them, we will.’ Our source then closed his eyes, raised his three fingered hand-thing and floated out of the room.

Yoda Coda: Yoda The Death Of streams on Disney+ from 25th December, for an additional fee. Obvious, it is.

MARY POPPINS RETURNS WILL BE A HARD ‘R’

Mary Poppins sequel – Mary Poppins Returns – starring Emily Blunt, will be a hard ‘R’, according to sources inside the studio.

Following the release of the trailer for the new Disney film Mary Poppins Returns, it came as a surprise when rumors began to float around that the film would receive a hard R rating, usually reserved for extreme violence or explicit sex. A source close to the production told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Well, there is a lot of fucking.

But this is Mary Poppins Returns? It’s a Disney film. You know? For kids?

I know but Rob Marshall wanted to take it in a totally different direction. Yes, we have the kids and Mary Poppins and London. But we also have poverty, social commentary. Lin Manuel Miranda wanted his chimney sweeps to be tough and sexy and blimey is all I can say: blimey. 

There are still songs though, aren’t there?

Oh yes, but they’re all updated. Sexy MF by Prince makes an appearance as well Rihanna’s Bitch Better Have My Money. These are mixed in with the classics like Get up my Chim-Chiminee and Supercalifragiolisticxxxbialidocious. Though the lyrics are a bit different.

Mary Poppins Returns will be out in December.

GEORGE LUCAS WORKING ON ROM-COM

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas revealed today the nature of his long-awaited new project: a rom-com called Button Pants.

THX 1138, American Graffiti and Star Wars director George Lucas has a new project. And he came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the idea:

It’s completely different from what I’ve done in the past. Frankly, I want to get away from big budget fantasy and sci-fi and go back to my roots as an experimental arty film director. I want to make low budget personal films. Small films. You dig, SE?

Lay it on me daddio!

Groovy. Well, I call it Button Pants.

I like it already. 

It’s about this guy who wants to buy a pair of button pants. But he lives in this small town where the only pant shop sells you know trousers with zippers. So he goes on this road journey to find pants with buttons.

What’s the title again?

Button Pants.

It sounds fantastic. 

Thanks, man. He meets this girl and she’s trying to find a dress with like hooks instead of zippers or buttons.

There’s a theme emerging.

I knew you’d understand. So they team up together and one night he confesses a dreadful secret.

Intriguing. 

You see his mother never knew a man and he was conceived via the Midichlorians. There’s a real chance that he could be the one who will bring balance to the Force. He complains a bit about sand and then the two are kidnapped and taken to the Death Star.

Wait. What the fuck? What happened to the button pants?

I’ll get back to it. Luckily, on the Death Star, they team up with an old star pirate called San Holo and his large Mookie Smokkacigaretta.

Fuck off, George. 

Together, they… hey ow.

Button Pants will be released in 2020 by Disney.

 

 

DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

RON HOWARD PROMISES TO DE-LEGO HAN SOLO

HOLLYWOOD – Happy Days actor and Rush director Ron Howard has promised that his Han Solo won’t feature Lego.

Ron Howard has been called in to replace Philip Lord and Chris Miller and has promised that he will reverse the Lego-like direction the new Star Wars film was going in. Kathleen Kennedy spoke to the Studio Exec:

The thing we all love about Ron is that there’s no Lego in any of his movies. Far and Away: no Lego. Rush: No Lego. Cinderella Man: no Lego. Apollo 13: no Lego. I could go on.

Please don’t.

Splash and A Beautiful Mind and The DaVinci Code: No L… wait I think there might have been some Lego in The DaVinci Code. But that was very much the anomaly.

Apart from the no Lego thing what does Ron bring to the table for Star Wars?

Well, he’s available. He has no discernible style to get in the way of the franchise. We’re kind of sick of all this ‘respect my vision’ bullshit. This is a Han Solo movie. The vision is: do you want to see a Han Solo movie? Yes. Okay open your eyes. There it is. What do you mean where’s the Lego? Get out of my house.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.