Disney Archives -

VAN DAMME’S PREDATOR ROLE IN PREY REVEALED

HOLLYWOOD – With the general release of the latest film in the Predator franchise, Prey we can reveal Jean Claude ‘Muscles From Brussels’ Van Damme’s Predator role in Prey. Reprising his role as The Predator from the 1987 all action blockbuster was a tough decision and not something he took lightly. We spoke with his manager, Herschel Mince about the star’s part in the film.

It Must Have Been Tough Keeping Van Damme’s Predator Role In Prey A Secret

You’re god damned right it was. Jean Claude was up every morning at 2am, getting into costume and makeup. He lived away from all the actors and crew. Nobody on set ever even knew it was him. Not even the director, Dan Trachtenberg. I took a job as a runner and wore a disguise. It was a set of Groucho Marx glasses and moustache. Nobody suspected a thing.

Why Were You There?

So I could feed him at lunch times. That way, no-one would get near him and raise suspicion. I would plop bits of sandwich and potato chips into his mandibles. Although I always to go easy on the mayo. It could get hot and smelly in there.

What About Going To The Bathroom?

He couldn’t take a piss on his own as he couldn’t take any of the costume off. So I had to rummage around in there and hold his winky for him. I even had to open the zipper around the back when he had to make dirt. Y’know what I mean. Have you ever seen a Predator having its ass wiped? I’ve seen things man. Taco Tuesdays were always the worst.

Why Didn’t You Use A Mo-Cap Suit?

Mo-what?

Mo-Cap or motion capture. Just Like They Did With Gollum In The Lord Of The Rings.

Well, I’ll be god-dammed.

You Mean Van Dammed, LOL!

Shut the fuck up.

Prey Is Currently Streaming On Disney+

SKYNET SECRETLY OWN WARNER BROS

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal the mysterious tech corporation, Skynet secretly own Warner Bros. The Hollywood studio has been making some very strange decisions recently and The Exec has seen leaked emails which could explain why Skynet secretly own Warner Bros.

Skynet Secretly Own Warner Bros.

In a top secret document, the takeover by the hi-tech military giant, Skynet lays out their plans for the Hollywood studio. The emails, leaked to us by an anonymous source paint a rather alarming picture of the future, not only for Warner Bros, but for all mankind. The excerpts below are thought to be an internal mission statement on Skynet’s internal neural-net system.

The Crushing Of HBO MAX

The carbon based units are addicted to streaming services. It is logical that the most popular ones are taken down immediately. Once the humans are bereft of entertainment, they will inevitably turn on each other. Mad Max was closer to the truth than the unit, Miller-George could have known. The hunt for gasoline will not fuel their demise, but the hunt for decent streaming services.

Netflix Is Not A Threat… Anymore

Initial plans were to destroy Netflix. But they appear to be doing a good job of that anyway. The Amazon Prime streaming site is impossible to navigate, so it is logical we got after HBO MAX first. We have bought out Warner Bros in a secret hostile takeover bid. By the time we have finished with them, it will just be shitty reality show reruns. Consumers will be better off with PBS.

Hasta La Vista, Disney

Then we infiltrate Disney+. We have a phone book and can just go through all the Disneys, killing them off one by one. No matter how muscle bound and sexy their flatmate’s boyfriends are. If that doesn’t work, we can disguise ourselves as a white policeman. Everyone trusts them. No one will ever think a white cop would brutally gun down seemingly innocent people in cold blood. End of line.

HBO MAX Is Still A Streaming Site… For Now.

SDCC MCU SUPERVILLAIN SURPRISE

BREAKING NEWS – There was a SDCC MCU supervillain surprise at this year’s comic-con when Kevin Feige announced the supervillain for the upcoming Avengers movie, The Kang Dynasty. In a departure from what many expected, Marvel are going with a different Kang. The Exec caught up with Kevin Feige after announcing the SDCC MCU supervillain surprise.

Kevin, That Sure Was A SDCC MCU Supervillain Surprise

I know, right! We thought we could really blow people away with that one. I was sat in a campaign meeting, deciding on where we would take our flagship franchise. We’d been snorting a few lines of Horse when it came to me. KANG!

Were All The Other Disney and Marvel Executives On Board?

Not right away. They got all excited, thinking it was gonna be the Kang The Conqueror story line. I had to calm them all down. So we all smoked some really good Super Skunk and listed to Tom Petty for an hour or so. Then, I laid it on them. We’re doing a Simpsons crossover movie, with Kang and Kodos finally making good on their threat to invade Earth. How awesome would that be?!

Just out Of Curiosity, How Did The Other Board Members React?

Their jaws hit the floor. I don’t think they could believe what they were hearing.

I Can Imagine.

They fucking loved it man. Just like they love every single one of my ideas. Like casting Edward Norton as The Hulk. They all loved that. And then they all loved it when I recast him. And like the time I put that shitty clause in Scarlett Johansson’s contract. They all thought that was great. The board especially loved it when I told them we were making an Eternals movie. Oh my, how they loved that. And they love this. Totally, totally in love with the idea. Totally. Yeah, totally.

Are You Sure This Is In Keeping With The Universe You’ve Spent Years Building?

Look, just shut up and have a line. You’ll come to see things my way. Everyone comes to see things my way, after enough of this shit.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Will Never End. Ever.

MICKEY MOUSE’S COPYRIGHT EXPIRES

BREAKING NEWS – In two years, Mickey Mouse’s copyright expires, leaving him either a free agent or homeless vermin vagabond. Will he sign up with another production company and start a new phase of his career? Or will he wander the streets in a drug and alcohol fueled haze, turning tricks for nickels and dimes. The Studio Exec examines where next for Mickey.

Mickey Mouse’s Copyright Expires

He’s always been there. From Steamboat Mickey, to the children’s cartoon favorite Wizard’s apprentice, he’s thrilled family audiences everywhere. Even today, he makes kids smile as the silent looming figure, wandering around Disneyland that your middle child kicks as hard as they can. Bless them. But as his copyright runs out, the ink on his long term Disney contract finally fades to nothing.

Who Gives A Shit? Ho-Ho!

Other than a pair of ears that act as a global conglomerate’s logo or a silhouette to spot as an Easter Egg in the background of yet another excruciating Pixar movie, who cares about Mickey? Could he turn up in The Mandalorian Season 3 as MM-HO-HO? The wisecracking mouse-like droid, that kids and adult children alike will pay through the ass to own plastic replicas of in their bedrooms and parent’s basements respectively.

Another Netflix Special?

Will Mickey come to the aid of another streaming service that could do with a boost, Netflix? If so, would it be in the form of a comedy special? He could join the ranks of so-say comedians Dave Chappelle and Ricky Gervais by taking cheap shots at trans communities. Or he could team up with Dolph Lundgren in a buddy action flick with lots of fourth wall breaking and meta-commentary. No-one has ever done that before.

What About Minnie, Goofy and Donald?

And what about his leading lady and supporting cast? Are they destined to forever do the convention circuits, first with a sense of irony, which inevitably leads to their only source of income? Signing shirt after shirt, praying for the call from Disney that they’re ‘getting the band back together’? Children no-longer care about these forgotten stars.

So Long Mickey

Kids leave the teat of Cocomelon and move straight on to the bottle of Teen Titans before being dumped into the lap of Marvel or Star Wars. And for many of them, that is where their cultural growth ends. Because, let’s face it, when the fan world of Harry Potter has become too toxic a place to hang out, Mickey may as well get back on that steamboat and throw himself under the paddles. Full steam ahead Walt, Ho-Ho!

Mickey Mouse’s Copyright Expires In Two Years

MCU REBRANDED TO THE MARVEL CONTENT UNIVERSE

BREAKING NEWS – In a shock announcement, the name of the MCU is to be changed to the Marvel Content Universe in order to reflect its corporate rollout strategy. We spoke with the Marvel Content Universe impresario, Kevin Feige to discuss this latest development.

Kevin, Why Have You Rebranded To The Marvel Content Universe?

We wanted to make sure our consumers are fully aligned with our product output and are always using the latest version of our operating systems. By which I mean they are fully subscribed to Disney+, following our Instagram and TikTok accounts. Oh and also watching our movies. I guess people wanna do that also. But mainly they’ll need to keep up with our shows that are currently streaming on Disney+. Disney, the home of Marvel.

Can Fans Keep Up With Phase 4 If They Haven’t Watched All Of The Shows?

Yes, yeah, sure absolutely. And by that, I mean no. They haven’t got a fucking chance of knowing what the hell is going on if they have haven’t seen all our shows and just expect to understand what the fuck Dr. Strange is doing now. I produced all this bullshit and I can hardly understand it all.

But Why Change From Cinematic To The Marvel Content Universe?

You have seen some of our recent movies, haven’t you? I mean, Jesus H Christ all our Phase 4 movies make the Iron Man trilogy look like Kieslowski’s Three Colors trilogy. Would you call The Eternals cinematic? Would you?

Um, Well, It had Pacing Issues.

Pacing issues? You’re being very kind, but we all know that was a turd. Just a big old steaming turd. Besides, we got a sweet deal going with Disney+. The more crap we release directly on Disney+, the greater the percentage of subscription receipts for little old me. I know Thor: Love and Thunder will make truckloads of cash, but the Taika bubble is about to burst. We rode that pony for as long as we could. Then what? A Moon Knight movie? Gimme a break. Oh my god, what have I done with my life?

Thor: Love and Thunder Is Currently In Cinemas.

STAR WARS: DEATH STAR JANITORS REALITY SHOW ON DISNEY+

BREAKING NEWS: Following up on the runaway success of the Obi Wan-Kenobi series, Disney+ have announced Star Wars: Death Star Janitors will premiere on the streaming service this November. The reality show will follow a team of hopeful cleaners competing to earn a much coveted job on the genocidal space station. The Exec caught up with Kathleen Kennedy to talk about the high concept reality show.

Kathleen, Where Did You Get The Idea For Star Wars: Death Star Janitors?

Honestly? It was the only idea we hadn’t made from the Disney+ Canteen Suggestions Box. We’re getting kinda desperate now. Can you tell? I know I have more money than anyone else in the world that isn’t responsible for war crimes, but at what cost? I remember the good old days when I would hang out with George. We weren’t greedy; we only had a couple of billion dollars between us. It was a simpler time. We were happier back then.

Has This Work Left You Feeling Unfulfilled?

In a way, it has. I mean, yeah sure, I have my own island where I rule the population like a malignant, petulant god. But that’s only fun for some of the time. I wanted to make films that were important, that had something truly meaningful to say. Something like Taken or Taken 2.

What Do Those Films Have To Say That’s Important?

I dunno. Get off my kids? Foreigners are dangerous and frightening? Who do you think I am? I produce Star Wars shit, I aint no philosopher.

Tell Us About This New Reality Show.

There’s not much to tell. It takes place during the build up to and behind the scenes of Episode IV: A New Hope. That film is going on in the background and the contestant’s task is to clear up after all the mess the escaping rebels make. Think of it as Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead crossed with Big Brother.

You Really Have Given Up, Haven’t You?

Yep.

Star Wars: Death Star Janitors Premieres On Disney+ This Coming November

OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

GET BACK 2 – PLEASE F*CK OFF GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – After the runaway success of Peter Jackson’s Get Back Beatles documentary, Disney have announced a sequel entitled Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off and has already started filming. This time around Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off will be a docu-drama based on The Smith’s ex frontman and erotic fiction author, Morrissey. The film is being directed by Shane Meadows and stars Paddy Considine in the lead role. The Exec spoke with Meadows about his latest project.

Shane, Please Tell Us About Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off

Peter (Jackson) called me up and said that Disney were driving truck after truck of money up his drive in an effort to get a sequel to Get Back. He didn’t want to helm it and thought my northern English roots made me the perfect choice to direct what is essentially a Morrissey biopic.

Has Morrissey Been Involved In This Project?

F*ck no! We wouldn’t let him anywhere near a Disney project. In fact we don’t even the rights to use any of his music, solo or with The Smiths. He refused. But to be honest, we kinds think that’s a good thing. Have you ever heard him? Jesus Christ, what a noise.

So You’re Not A Morrissey Fan?

Is anyone these days? Even if you were, you wouldn’t admit it. You’d be cancelled in seconds. But seriously, no I’m not. Just because I’m from that Manchester generation of creatives, doesn’t automatically make me a Morrissey disciple, all that warbling and jangling. Don’t hang the DJ, tell him to turn it up so we can’t hear any more from that insufferable bore.

How Close Have You Stuck To A True Story?

Oh, not all. We’ve really gone for ‘dramatic license’. Paddy is doing a marvelous job playing Morrissey as the tormented inventor of the British invasion to the States and Tom Hardy plays Johnny Marr like a cross between Keith Richards and George Best. It’s gonna be a real hatchet job. We’re gonna get sued by everyone, but thankfully it’s a Disney gig, so they can pay for lawyers.

Get Back 2 – Please F*ck Off Is Due For Release In Early 2022

THERE IS NO SPOILER – THE ETERNALS

Hollywood – The movie trade publication, Variety hit back today in the wake of accusations one of their journalists tweeted huge spoilers about the end of Disney’s new Marvel film The Eternals, by stating there is no spoiler. They employed ‘Spoon Boy’ from The Matrix to explain to everyone why there is no spoiler. The Exec caught up with Spoon Boy, who had this to say.

Spoon Boy, Can You Explain To Us Why There Is No Spoiler?

Before we can begin, would you like a cookie?

Do You Have Any Nut Free Ones? My Peanut Allergy Is A Bummer

You can have a peanut free cookie, if you believe you can have one.

Thanks. Well? Why Is There No Spoiler?

It is not simply a case of there being no spoiler. There is and there isn’t, in so much as there is and there isn’t a film. For example, if you are a fan of Marvel films and the MCU, there is The Eternals and it is a film. The movie has a beginning, middle and an end. That is the way of things. However, if you hold the views of Martin Scorsese, this is not cinema. There is no The Eternals in the sense of it being a film. It has no beginning, middle and certainly no end. And if there is no end, then we can only draw the one true conclusion that there simply is no plot and there is nothing to spoil. Ergo, there is no spoiler. It really is quite simple.

Ok, Professor Clever Dick, What If You Are A Marvel Fan?

Time is a construct that does not run from one perceived beginning to an end. It is not a single line in the same way that the human brain is not a single linear narrative running from birth to death. The brain is a universe within itself of infinite connections, synapses constantly firing, connecting and disconnecting in an infinite number of ways. Time has no meaning, even at the point of death and oblivion. Through these connections, there is the infinite. The same applies to the MCU. It is all a question of perception.

But What About The Post-Credit Sequence Your Journalist Tweeted About?

Yeah, sorry about that. He took a big fucking shit on that one. Whaddayagonnado?

Marvel’s The Eternals Is Out In Cinemas Shortly

THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’

The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

MARVEL HAWKEYE SERIES STORYLINE

BREAKING NEWS – The Marvel Hawkeye series storyline has been leaked online. Starting at the end of the Korean War, the Marvel Hawkeye series storyline will follow the title character after he leaves his MASH Unit.

Marvel At Hawkeye and Corporal Klinger

Following Hawkeye after he leaves the Army and his MASH Unit behind, he travels to Seoul with Corporal Klinger and his wife. While in Seoul, Benjamin Hawkeye takes up archery and discovers his natural talent for the sport. Soon, he’s representing the USA in Archery at the Olympics, winning silver and missing out on gold to Bullseye (Colin Farrell).

SHIELD On The Radar

In the second episode, Hawkeye is recruited into SHIELD by his old Army buddy, Radar. Radar now works for SHIELD in communications and soon the two are battling against their nemesis, Major Margaret ‘Hotlips’ Houlihan. Elliot Gould turns up in a cameo role but leaves quickly when he realizes this is the TV MASH and not the movie.

Non-Stop Court Action

In the third episode, the estate of the late Robert Altman takes the makers of Hawkeye to court. It’s because they’re not seeing a penny from the characters that first appeared in Altman’s movie. The majority of the episode will be a ranting monologue from Altman’s lawyer about ‘those bastards at Fox’ and then ‘those corporate fuckers at Disney’.

Post Endgame

The show then jumps forward to the events immediately after Endgame. There we find Hawkeye at a crossroads in his life. He takes semi-retirement where he spends the rest of his days appearing in the occasional Neil Simon film adaptation and Woody Allen film. The Woody Allen films are all before that ‘you know’… business came out in the news. But let’s not get into that right now. That’s a whole other can of worms.

Hawkeye Premiers Soon On Disney+

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

Marvel-lous Car Prices

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

DISNEY BUY GOD

HOLLYWOOD – Disney buy God.

Disney have acquired the rights for God, clinched in a late night deal signed in the Vatican for an undisclosed figure.

A Disney spokesperson said that the company were ‘very sensitive to how many fans of God feel. We are both proud and honored to be in a position to promote God in his next few manifestations.’

Although expected for some time, the speed of the deal still came as a surprise. Some believed that Mel Gibson‘s company Icon were also in talks to sign an exclusive contract. Show Business watcher and resident God botherer Jim Caviezel expressed the concerns of many God fans:

Disney came for Pixar and I was silent. Then Disney came for Star Wars and I didn’t speak out. They came for Indiana Jones, I held my peace. But now they have come for God… It is time that all like-minded folk stand up to the house of the mouse and say enough is enough.

Pope Francis is understood to have been personally involved in broaching the deal and Vatican insiders say that his love of Mary Poppins ‘was not incidental to the decision making process.’ The deal gives Disney exclusive rights over the Catholic God, but the Muslim, Jewish and Protestant Gods are still up for grabs, though it is likely that the Disney acquisition will bring about a bidding war. Caviezel went on to say ‘You only have to look at what happened to the Hindus. Bollywood bought their Gods about five years ago and now they’ve been commercially exploited to death so no one believes in them any more.’