SIR EDWIN FLUFFER’S HOLLYWOOD SUPERSTARS: 1. JOHN VERNON

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer uses his super-stardom to recall the Hollywood Super Stars of yesteryear. Tonight: John Vernon.

When I first met John Vernon I didn’t know I was meeting John Vernon. A handsome man, like a hungover Richard Burton – which is to say like Richard Burton – came up to me and said in a light Canadian accent: ‘Hello! I’m Adolphus Raymondus Vernon Agopsowicz.’ As quick as lightning I told him: ‘That won’t do. You’ll have to change it.’ ‘Any suggestions,’ he gamely replied. ‘Adolphus Agopsowicz of course,’ was my immediate response.

Cooler heads prevailed alas and the world knew him as John Vernon. If you’ve ever seen a film made from 1965-1995 you will have seen John. Prolific and often – unfairly in my view – cast as the villain. From Dirty Harry to Animal House, Outlaw Josey Wales to Herbie Goes Bananas, John showed up, purring like villainy itself had been mixed with ginger and gravel, popped into a blender with something feline and poured over ice.

His leonine head and steely blue eyes made him perfect for the crafty official, the charmer who would stab you in the heart while caressing your nether regions. And he was good at playing villains too.

He amassed years of TV work as well. I remember when he got his first job in Bonanza, he was so happy he actually bought me a drink. An earl grey laced with Armagnac. I had it framed. Of course we had a lot in common. Both RADA trained, as a party trick we would have ourselves blind folded and still find our way back to Los Angeles from places as far afield as Las Vegas or Seattle.

John died, as we all must, but I’m sure when he got to meet the big Executive Producer in the Sky he said with a twinkle in his eye: ‘I was a Cuban in Topaz’.

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DEADPOOL REMAKE WON’T FEATURE CLINT EASTWOOD CAMEO

HOLLYWOOD – Clint Eastwood today denied that he will be taking part in the remake of his 1988 film The Dead Pool, which has been re-titled Deadpool.

The news comes amidst months of online speculation that the veteran actor would make a sizable cameo in the new Deadpool, which stars Ryan Reynolds in the role of Inspector ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan.

The 85 year old actor told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t even know they were remaking that film. Deadpool you say? Strange. Of all the Dirty Harry films, that’s probably the weakest. I thought they would have been better off remaking the first Dirty Harry, or perhaps Magnum Force. What with all the police shootings and everything Magnum Force would be topical.

The original The Dead Pool featured Eastwood as Callahan and Inspector Quan investigating a series of murders based on horror director Liam Neeson’s Dead Pool, a betting list of who is going to die next. One of the victims includes a first big screen outing for ‘comedian’ Jim Carrey.

We spoke with star of the new film Ryan Reynolds about taking on one of the most iconic roles in American cinema.

I’m very happy to be a part of this. Deadpool is a great character and a real departure from the kind of comic book movie we’ve been seeing recently.

Will you be saying any of Callahan’s most famous lines? 

I’m sorry, Callahan? I don’t understand.

You know ‘Go ahead punk, make my day’ or ‘Do you feel lucky punk? Do you?’

Oh wait are you talking about Dirty Harry? No that’s totally different. I’m playing a Marvel comic book hero called Deadpool. It’s nothing to do with the 1988 Dirty Harry movie, the fifth installment I believe in the film series.

Will you be remaking other Dirty Harry movies in the near future?

No but it isn’t Dirty Harry. It’s a … Okay, yeah. We’re remaking Sudden Impact next.

Excellent. 

But we’re calling it Suddenimpact.

Deadpool will be released in 2016.

ZAC EFRON TO STAR AS YOUNG DIRTY HARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Following his success in broad Frat boy comedy Neighbors, Zac Efron is moving on to a more serious role, Harry Callaghan in a long awaited prequel to the Dirty Harry franchise first made iconic by Clint Eastwood.

Fresh from his moderate success with Jersey Boys, Eastwood will be taking a turn behind the camera and spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about the film:

During the first film which I starred in and Don Seigel directed in 1971, there was this joke that came up about Harry’s nickname. Why does everyone call you Dirty Harry? And he offers various reasons but we never really get the reason. That was the seed of this film, answering that question.

High School Musical and Parkland star, Efron said he was ‘very excited about the role’:

I’m playing Harry as he enters the police force. He’s just married and he is very idealistic. He’s a radical in some respects and has no time for the Vietnam War for instance. In some ways I pictured the film when I read the script as a reverse version of Serpico.

With a script by Seth Rogen and Ben Stiller, the new Dirty Harry film looks like the beginning of a new saga. ‘We’re hoping for at least a trilogy,’ said Efron.

Clean Harry will be released in 2015. 

ADELE DAZEEM GETS 5 PICTURE DEAL

HOLLYWOOD – Following an Oscar winning song performance, Warner Brothers announced today that they had finalized a 5 picture deal with upcoming star Adele Dazeem

An exec close to the final negotiations said: 

We’re very lucky to have got her. She’s extremely talented and there were several other studios interested, but we managed to nail it. 

Interest in the singer/actress was first aroused by her stunning performance of the song ‘Let It Go’ from the film Frozen at the Oscars. The man responsible for introducing her to the world, John Travolta, has also been key to clinching the deal. The Warner Brothers Exec confided to Studio Exec:

John Travolta holds a lot of sway in this town, with the piloting and the Grease and the Scientology, so when he says watch out for someone we do. He’s taking it even further though. Suggesting several possible projects that Ms. Dazeem might be interested in. 

Such as?

He thought a film of the J.D. Salinger novel Capeterher in the Rooo might work for her. Or a role in the future Hoongoria Goomez sequel. Or even a remake of the film which made his name Grooze.

Adele Dazeem will be appearing in Clint Eastwood’s Doity Hoiry in 2015. 

CLINT EASTWOOD ARRESTED IN IKEA

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran film actor and director, Clint Eastwood was arrested this morning at an IKEA store in Northern California.

Staff who witnessed ‘the man with no name’ star, said he appeared to be confused and Captain Arsens of the Carmel Sheriff’s Office said that Mr. Eastwood had made inappropriate comments and then actions to a POANG blond wood chair footstool combination with optional leather cushioning  which sells at the price of $89.
Staff were alerted by customers that the 82 year old was scaring children who in turn called the police when the Where Eagles Dare star refused to desist and became agitated.
Store Manager, Boris Offly, stated:
I knew he was Dirty Harry, but I didn’t know he was this dirty.
A spokesperson for Mr. Eastwood said the Invictus director had been behaving erratically recently, even going so far as to endorse ‘some Mormon or other’ for the US presidency.
Clint Eastwood’s new film Trouble with the Curve will be released later this month. Mr Eastwood himself should be released later today.