BRUCE WILLIS’S FACE MOVED

HOLLYWOOD – The movie world was sent into shock earlier today with rumors and unconfirmed reports that Bruce Willis’s face moved. It is not known if Bruce Willis’s face moved in a professional capacity for a role, something which hasn’t happened for over 15 years. The Exec spoke with his manager, Aaron Jobsworth to see if there was any truth to the rumors.

Is There Any Truth To The Rumor That Bruce Willis’s Face Moved Earlier Today?

I can neither confirm or deny the rumor at this current time. You will appreciate the magnitude of such a possibility and Bruce has his whole team around him. We will help establish the facts and provide support at this difficult time.

Were There Any Witnesses?

We are looking into the possibility that a member of the public may have witnessed the incident. It is seems that Bruce was afflicted with an extreme bout of flatulence after leaving his favorite restaurant, ‘We Are Onions’. It’s on Pico Boulevard, right next to Tech Noir. Bruce’s rectum prolapsed with the fart’s force and his face may have suffered an expression.

Is This Account From The Witness?

Not directly. The witness is still under heavy sedation and has yet to be interviewed. We’re trying to put the pieces together as much as we can. We have asked Bruce to comment, but as he’s going off-script, we’re not expecting much back from him.

When Was The Last Confirmed Expression From Bruce?

The last official sighting of a facial expression came way back in 2012’s Moonrise Kingdom. This was his final foray into quirky cinema. As you can imagine, we all have our fingers crossed for Bruce at this difficult time. If this turns out to be true, it could be devastating for his straight to DVD career.

We’ll Bring You More On This Breaking Story As We Get It.

SANTA PICKS HIS FEET IN POUGHKEEPSIE

EDITORIAL – Santa picks his feet in Poughkeepsie. Which is exactly why William Friedkin’s The French Connection is a better Christmas movie than Die Hard. Everyone talks about Die Hard as being the first action Christmas movie. But Friedkin’s The French Connection is also a great Christmas movie as well as a balls to the wall action thriller. And Santa picks his feet in Poughkeepsie in it. What more do you want?

Here’s Why The French Connection Is A Christmas Movie

It’s obvious when you think about it. The whole film is about a friendly man with a beard from far, far away trying to bring presents to everyone in America. What could be more festive than that? Nothing, that’s what. It’s got more festive spirit than some f*cking Coca-Cola truck trying to force sugar down the necks of already morbidly obese children.

Santa Picks His Feet In Poughkeepsie

The film also boasts cuddly Gene Hackman playing everyman racist, Popeye Doyle. Popeye even dresses up as Santa to surprise one of his friends as part of a jolly Christmas prank. Once he’s caught up with his buddy, they share a laugh and a joke about picking their feet in Poughkeepsie. This scene is full of festive cheer as they giggle and prance through the junk-strewn waste grounds of New York, avoiding the used needles and rats as they go. Ho-ho-ho!

Father Christmas Has Happy Little Elves

But Fernando Rey’s real Santa isn’t working on his own. He has his happy little elves in the shape of New York mob goodfella, Sal Boca and mysterious, psychotic hitman Pierre Nicoli. With lots of hard work, they want to help Santa distribute little presents in nickel and dime bags to all the happy children of New York who have been good this year. And luckily for them, Popeye ‘Grinch’ Doyle is a lousy shot.

Next – Why The French Connection II Is An Easter Movie About The Resurrection

BRUCE WILLIS QUANTITY IS QUALITY

HOLLYWOOD – Bruce Willis Quantity is quality. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Bruce Willis tells us that quantity is quality and he is trying to make as many films as possible before the end of the tax year.


Thank you for joining us Bruce Willis. Let’s dive straight in. Is quantity quality?

Are you filming this? If you are, could I have the footage please? I could use it in this week’s film, ‘Death Kill Fire Guns’. After all, quantity is quality.

That’s quite the title. What is it about?

How the fuck should I know? I turn up for a promo shoot and try to not look too bored. That’s the tough bit. I then send the producers some footage of me saying generic lines like, ‘Watch out!’, ‘Get down!’ or ‘It’s gonna blow! RUN!’. I think they get a stand-in to do my other lines. They shoot it from over my shoulder, so no-one can tell it aint me. Then I wait for the cash to come rolling in.

What about your artistic integrity?

Pa-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Hang on, let me catch my breath. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. You’re a funny guy. Not many people can make me laugh. Believe me. The last time I genuinely laughed was when I was working with Terry Gilliam on Twelve Monkeys. How long ago was that? A couple of years ago, right?

That was nearly 30 years ago.

You don’t say? Shit. That fucking Ferris Bueller was right. Life does kinda pass you by. You know, I was in Die Hard. I did a couple of the sequels also.

You made 4 sequels.

I did? Well, whaddayaknow. Anywho. When is this film coming out? When do I get paid? I got a tax bill to pay, ya know. I’m Nic Cage-ing it. Know what I mean?

A new Bruce Willis film will release online every week or so.

IS DIE HARD A THANKSGIVING MOVIE?

HOLLYWOOD – We enter the realm of hot takes, with the unhinged proposal that Die Hard is a Thanksgiving movie.

The turkey is in the oven; the family has gathered; the virus invisibly spreads, but the question on everyone’s lips this Thanksgiving is: Is Die Hard a Thanksgiving movie?

Now, wait a second. Before you jump to all sorts of conclusions. Let’s look at the evidence. First of all the 1988 actioner stars Bruce Willis as a New York cop who turns up in Los Angeles to see his wife. Not much that’s very Thanksgivingy so far. But wait. The film is set during the Christmas holidays, right? And if I remember my calendar correctly Christmas comes like a month or so after Thanksgiving. So we’re not a million miles away.

Gaming companies are experts on thanksgiving. Everyone knows that. So, who better to claim that Die Hard is a Thanksgiving movie than JackpotCity online casino themselves? Given their array of festive slots and eye for storytelling, there’s no doubt in my mind that they should have the final word. Plus, they understand the McClane types who are ready to roll the dice.

The cliche debate is of course: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? The short answer is: It’s not a Christmas movie. Why? Because how can it be, when it’s already a Thanksgiving movie. It just doesn’t fit the bill as a typical Christmas movie anyway, as it has none of the Christmas motifs – and hardly any Christmassy visuals. One thing that can’t be debated is that Santa does not make an appearance. 

Anyway, we only have to listen to Bruce’s Comedy Roast speech where he announces “Die Hard is not a Christmas movie! It’s a g—–n Bruce Willis movie!”. There, he said it – and did you notice that he didn’t deny it as a Thanksgiving movie?

Next up is the fact that Bruce Willis stars in the film. Bruce Willis is a famous fan of Thanksgiving, once telling Entertainment Weekly: ‘Yeah, Thanksgiving is okay, I guess. I mean, I suppose so.’ Also, during one of the action sequences, he can be seen mouthing the words ‘cranberry sauce’ and he refers to his wife as ‘Pumpkin’, although that scene got cut from the finished movie and then burned. So don’t look for it because you won’t find it.

In the movie, Willis also mocks the bad guys, saying: ‘yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers.’ This was a reference to Roy Rogers who was a cowboy like John Wayne. John Wayne also had a catchphrase which was calling people ‘pilgrim’. Thanksgiving celebrates the arrival and survival of the Pilgrim fathers. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Finally, Die Hard takes place almost entirely in the Nakatomi Plaza. Nakatomi is obviously a Japanese word which translates roughly as ‘This Movie You are Watching, Yes, It is a Thanksgiving Movie.’

I rest my Hot Take.

Die Hard will be re-released.

FORGET DIE HARD – THE SHINING IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER

HOLLYWOOD  – The Shining is the best Christmas Movie Ever.

Die Hard might be yuletide fun, but Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is the best Christmas movie of all. The 1980 Stephen King adaptation always makes me feel Christmassy. Okay there are no Christmas carols, no one says Merry Christmas, no Christmas tree or Christmas decorations. But all the same for me ever Christmas Eve I don’t feel like Christmas has properly come until blood gushes from the opening doors of a pair of elevators. But why? Why? WHY??

Snow

As a horror film, The Shining – let’s face it – isn’t scary. But it is cosy. Mmmm. The light of the snow coming through the windows. The snow maze, The snow drifts. Escaping from the bathroom via a snow slide. A snow mobile for crying out loud. Did I mention a snow maze? The Shining is a tone poem in love with snow.

Children

Home Alone is essentially The Shining but with Kevin projecting unknown burglars onto the faces of his parents to shield him from the Freudian terror that his mum and dad actually want to kill him. Danny is resourceful like Kevin. He knows how to escape his father because he knows how to play. And Danny has an invisible friend – kinda like how Jesus has an invisible dad.

Jumpers

Knitwear is a vital part of the first chapter of the Greatest Story Ever Told: The Nativity. The unironically great jumpers worn by Jack Torrance and Danny, not to mention Wendy’s choice winter woollies.

A Family Movie

A movie for the whole family. Christmas is a time that family comes together, isolated from the outside world for at least a day. And The Shining gives a lesson in how terrible your family can be. From your alcoholic abusive father, to your weak mother to your annoying bowl haired child. There’s something for everyone. Except black chefs. There’s nothing here for them. Nothing.

The Shining is everywhere.

HOW TO WRITE A SCREENWRITING: PART 2: ACTION

HOW TO WRITE A SCREENWRITING – Is a new feature that will lead you through the process of  writing a screenplay in the tradition of the great gurus Robert McKee, Syd Field and Damon Lindelof.

Some people would say that we need to start with characters we care deeply about. Others might say what you really need is a great story. A third set of people won’t say anything but will just sit there, but I know what they’re thinking and they’re wrong too. If I had the opportunity to talk to all these so-called experts and naysayers, I would ask them a very simple question. Before the cameras roll on a movie, does the director traditionally shout:

‘Lights, cameras – STORY?’

or perhaps

‘Lights, cameras – CHARACTERS?’

No, he doesn’t. He shouts ACTION goddamn it! ACTION! And if you can’t write action you have no business being in the movies. Goddamn it, I can hear those voices again – what about August, Osage County, there was no action in that film? What about Brokeback Mountain and what about Die Hard? What? August, Osage County had a load of action, in the form of arguing. No flaming explosions? What about Meryl Streep blowing up? Did you miss that? And Brokeback Mountain? Two cowboys going anal? If that isn’t action, I don’t know what is. And Die Hard? Are you f*cking high? Die Hard? That’s the worst example you could have made as a counter argument. It’s like you’re playing right into my hands.

So the point is ‘action’ is supreme – even if I have to redefine ‘action’ to include things like ‘drama’ and ’emotional engagement’ and even ‘stuff happening’ in order to make my point. But don’t worry about that, all screenwriting manuals do that sooner or later.

So how do I write ‘action’? That’s pretty easy. Do you see that key down on your keyboard, next to the ‘a’? No not the ‘s’, the other direction. You see that one that says CAPS LOCK. Well, you’re going to need that. Especially for any action that is going to be LOUD. Then you need a bit of clarity. You have to be clear what you want to see on the screen. Many directors will throw your ideas out and use their own, but you’re not writing for the director yet. You’re writing first of all for the producers and the financiers and maybe an agent. If you’re writing for those guys – who are not directors – they are going to have to see the action and you have to make it clear and dramatic. Not simply They FIGHT. But blow by blow. And finally, action is all about change. Like a song in a musical an action sequence must move the story along. If you can delete the action scene and nothing changes, then it doesn’t matter. There are plenty of movies that have action scenes that really don’t matter. James Bond movies have a tendency to do this. But we’re better than that and a good action scene is something that shifts the story, changes characters, ramps up the danger, moves the action and gets everything going in a different direction or the same direction but faster.

For more on this EXCLUSIVE online Screenwriting course: How to Write a Screenwriting, CLICK HERE.

FIRST POSTER FOR DIE HARD 6

HOLLYWOOD – The first poster and synopsis for Die Hard 6 hit the internets today and caused a massive explosion which we walked away from without looking back.

Die Hard 6 is fast becoming a reality with the first poster, a synopsis and a photo from a key scene all becoming available EXCLUSIVELY via the Studio Exec. Bruce Willis came round to the Studio Exec bungalow personally ‘to shoot the sh*t’, but Woody Allen had just left and so we talked Die Hard 6 instead.

What will the new film be called?

We wanted to go original with this one. We’ve had the tall building, we’ve had the airport and New York. We even had cyber-space and Russia, but what we didn’t have was a winsome romantic comedy that will melt your heart and that was when we decided on Cameron Crowe as a director and Die Hard: We Bought a Zoo was born.

Amazing title. What’s the story?

It’s simple John McClane is sick of the same old shit happening to him time and time again. He really is ‘too old for this sh*t’. So he buys a farm and settles down with his first wife and new brood of kids.

That sounds like a real departure from the Die Hard formula. What…

But an international gang of East German Dentists want to shoot some trophies and the last surviving rhinoceros in the world, is in the McClane zoo. John McClane has to strap on the vest and the gun and go out and make sure those that want to destroy the zoo he bought, buy the farm! That’s one of the slogans we’re working on.die hard 6

What’s the other?

He was zoo keeping for a living. Now, he’s zoo keeping for his life!

They’re both winners.

I know, right. Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be the chief dentist and Penelope Cruz is a South American orthodontist who has a change of heart.

Die Hard: We Bought A Zoo will be released in 2017.

Images courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

CHARLES DICKENS’ SCREEN-WRITING RULEBOOK

LONDON – It was the best of films; it was the worst of films – that was my opinion of Danny Boyle’s Sunshine, but for why? For why? In a word, or if you’ll allow myself, Charles Dickens, a tired old Victorian novelist, an excess of the prescribed proverbial minimum, then in several words: the Ruddy Screenplay Messrs Boyle and Garland!

The late introduction of a preposterous villain, the insupportable shift of tone, the grinding abandonment of interesting premises and believable characters all showed a lack of rigour in the art of composition and so to avoid such future crimes to the eyes I have endeavoured with my small fund of knowledge to communicate to future generations these golden immutable rules of storytelling for the edification of the moving pictogram business.

  1. Names: names are all important and yet the execrable Jack Reacher, John McClaine even James Bond are all bland beyond the credence of even the most supine of spectators. Imagine if Jack Reacher had been entitled Jacob Recksnifflewick; how much more exciting would the Die Hard series (execrable title but I digress) have been had Bruce Willis played New York police officer Jonathan Piggleturd or imagine in the private magic lantern of your brain how the world of divertimento would be enlivened if 007 muttered ‘the name’s Bond, Jazandapus Bond.’ If anyone proffers the argument that these names are not realistic I would ask them to explain their point in person to my best friend Augustus Egg.
  2. The Three Act structure:  There has been so much hogwash, piffle-cakes and poppycock written about this concept that it makes one tug at one’s fore whiskers until they smart. So let us be clear. It is not a THREE act structure but a Thirty Seven Chapter structure that works so well. Read Bleak House, read Great Expectations, read The Pickwick Papers and you will see this rule in perfect action.
  3. Humor: Yes, I’m looking at you Herr. Haneke. Humor is an important ingredient in writing popular entertainment of any kind, be it light theatre, newspaper sketches or long, long novels. Be sure and put in plenty of jokes. Wake the blighters up with some blarney about a missing pound note or a drunken ombudsman.
  4. Kill a child: We’re all a sentimental lot and love a good cry. Nothing works so well as a beautiful innocent child dying of some undefined disease which starts off as the merest of coughs. You’ll have them eating out of the palm of your hand. Breathlessly asking after Little Nell as if she were a real person and not the invention of genius.

Well, I hope I have been of some modest assistance. If you have more need of me feel free to address your enquiries to the comments box below.

FIGHT CLUB: BRUCE WILLIS VS KEVIN SMITH

It’s a sad fact that not everyone in Hollywood gets along. Bette Davis tried to kill Joan Crawford with a hand grenade, John Wayne poisoned Gary Cooper’s wife and George Clooney punched David O’Russell in the testicles. Continue reading “FIGHT CLUB: BRUCE WILLIS VS KEVIN SMITH”

RICK-HARD: THE ALAN RICKMAN DIARIES (PART 2)

In our continuing series, character actor, Severus Snape and human being Alan Rickman reveals his innermost thoughts.


Sunken Dreams and Shitting Chick Peas

By far the most lavish and expensive indulgence of my life so far, my dream home, has fallen into the sea. It was the only building in a 10-mile radius on the only part of a cliff, which succumbed to thousands of years of ground weakening erosion. F@cking England!
Someone happened to be strolling past this secluded spot and, of course, filmed it on a camera phone and posted it. The destruction of my retirement dream is apparently very popular with over 23,000 ‘hits’ on something called ‘YouTube’. 
I have two months off before the play opens and need something to occupy my time and take my mind off my sunken digs. Serge (my manager) has called me to his office to discuss some offers. Owing to some recent misdemeanors recently posted on ‘YouTube’, it seems I am in high demand.
 ‘You’re just hilarious in a crisis Man-Rick! It’s what the people want to see.’ Says Serge, somehow, through a mouthful of meatballs.
The ‘project’ in question is ‘Desert Island Ricks’, a concept dreamed up by Serge himself and offered to Channel 4 without consulting me first; Me, Ricky Gervais and an 80’s pop star (I’ve never heard of him) called Rick Astley, marooned on an island with a camera crew and the ‘chips fall where they may’ as he says. ‘No’ I say.
‘This is GOLD Rick! Solid GOLD! I swear, in the meeting, we laughed for a solid 30 minutes. And what I find funny, the PEOPLE find funny, Rick, you know this.’
 ‘I’m not doing it.’
 ‘F@ck a duck Rick, I’ve already said yes’
 ‘I’m saying no.’
 ‘How strong a “no” is it?’
 ‘I’d rather eat a scrotum full of dead flies Serge.’
 ‘Now THAT would be gold!’
Channel 4 are suing. Long story short; Serge ‘agreed’ to this project on my behalf a whole month before asking me about it. He even faked my signature on the contract. They want me to cover the loss of the entire project. Serge is saying they’ll take half as a settlement on the basis that I do them a ‘favour’ down the line.
 I fire Serge over the phone on a Beautiful Friday afternoon and flop on the couch and have the most peaceful nap I have had all year. The phone rings 10 minutes later. It’s Serge, telling me to turn on the news. I do it. Live footage of a theatre in flames. My theatre. I answer another phone call, my play is cancelled indefinitely. I answer another phone call, Chanel 4 have changed their mind and want to take me to court for the full amount after all. I phone Serge and re-hire him. I make some lunch, there are chickpeas in my salad. I have a nuts and pulses allergy. My throat starts to close and I can hardly breathe. I suddenly have violent diarrhea and owing to my state of worsening anaphylactic shock, cannot get my knickers off in time. I soil myself and pass out.
 The first face I see, of course, is Serge’s. He looks happier than I have ever seen him.
 ‘I’ve done it…I’ve f@cking done it!’
 ‘Where am I?’
‘On top of a gold mine old cock!’ He thrusts a manuscript in my face; I’m in hospital, obviously. I try to sit up and the covers fall to the side. I’m not wearing any knickers. ‘Look at it Rick, LOOK AT IT!’
I take the manuscript from him in the hopes that he will stop shouting for a minute. My head is spinning. I look at the front page and my head spins even more. ‘What the fuck is this Serge? My character died in part 1! Are you insane?’
‘No, no no! ha ha ha ha! You’re the HERO this time, that’s the twist. It’s beyond genius. And I’ve convinced those dicks at Chanel 4 to come on as producers…they’re dropping their case. Who the man?’
I look down at the script and read the title.
RICK-HARD: Die hard Rebooted.’

TO BE CONTINUED.

BOB BALABAN TO REPLACE BRUCE WILLIS IN DIE HARD 6

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran actor Bob Balaban is to take over from Bruce Willis as perennial cop in the wrong place John McClane in Die Hard 6.

Director Noah Baumbach explained the left field casting choice when he spoke to Studio Exec earlier today:

The last Die Hard [A Good Day to Die Hard – SE] was such a colossal turd that the studio has decided to go in a radically different direction. Initially, we were looking at young upcoming action stars like Jason Statham or Chris Pine, but they made some fairly weak excuses and it was clear they thought of the franchise as pretty much done in. Then Bruce called and suggested Bob. They’d worked together on Moonrise Kingdom and got on very well. 

Bruce Willis confirmed:

I’ve always admired Bob as an actor. He has this reputation as a quiet nebbish type, but inside him there’s this inner steel that I saw instantly would look good with a machine gun, an undershirt and a flaring Uzi.

Balaban himself commented:

As an actor I’ve had a fairly wide ranging ride. From the nerdy guy in Close Encounters of the Third Kind to the nerdy guy in The Monuments Men, roles have taken me many different places, psychically and physically. Now as McClane I guess I’m going to China or somewhere in Eastern Europe and there’ll be explosions and what not. According to the script, I have retired from the police force and am now spending my time searching for antiquarian books when the terrorists strike. I hope I don’t drop my glasses.

An Interesting Thing Happened to me on the Way to the Die Hard will be released in 2016. 

BRUCE WILLIS: FINANCIAL ADVISOR














Hi, my name’s Bruce Willis.

You may have noticed that when it comes to acting jobs, I’ll take any damn film I’m offered. That’s not just because I’m an empty shell of man and if I’m not working I often find myself sat at my home in Malibu nursing a bottle of Johnny Walker and contemplating putting a loaded revolver in my mouth. 

Sure I have days like that but so do most actors. Hell I know for a fact that Christopher Lambert has attempted suicide at least a 100 times but unfortunately, being a Highlander and all, he can only be killed if he’s decapitated by a sword and if you’ve ever tried to cut your own head off with a claymore, you’ll appreciate what a logistical nightmare that is.

Truth be told I accept any role because I genuinely love money. I love everything about it the feel the smell, the taste. Pop around to my trailer during a shoot and you’ll often catch me pleasuring myself with a fistful of dollars wearing a papier-mache crown fashioned from Japanese yen.  Of course having millions in the bank also enables you to afford the little luxuries in life. Back when I was a bartender in Jersey all I had in my cupboards was a few tins of own brand refried beans and a packet of pop tarts but now that I have to cash to spare, I buy my beans and pop tarts in bulk and often treat myself to family sized box of Ritz biscuits.

During a recent therapy session my psychiatrist suggested that if I passed on some of my financial knowledge I’d feel I was giving something back to the world and this charitable act would, in turn, stop me from praying for death on a daily basis.

So here’s a patented sure fire Willis way of making a little extra cash.

1.      Buy something
2.      Sell it for more than you bought it for.

Easy as that. Drop by next week when I’ll be showing you how premature baldness can get you a tax break.

Later.

A GOOD DAY TO FLUFFER HARD

Beefy prepares for Die Hard

In the post office last week I bumped into none other than dear old Eli Wallach! Some kind people helped me up again, I straightened my toupee, and asked him what he’s up to these days. It turns out the poor darling’s under pressure from the studio to sign up for the next Die Hard sequel! Eli’s far too old to be running around with just a vest on, so I had no qualms at all about handing him the business card for my erstwhile stunt double Billy ‘The Beef’ Beaufort. 

Beefy was educated at one of England’s lesser known public schools meaning he has a very high pain threshold and limited intelligence. If you need someone to set himself alight and jump through a stained glass window Beefy doesn’t need to be asked twice! 

We first worked together more years ago than I care to remember on a picture called Apache Chaps Go Wild! In this particular scene I escaped my pursuers by leaping from the roof of a saloon, landing on my horse, and riding off. Beefy missed the horse and bumped his head a couple of times, but there was no lasting damage. By the sixteenth take he more or less knew what he was aiming for and landed a little awkwardly right on the saddle. We did a few more just for luck and then we helped him down from the horse and he limped off for lunch.  
Beefy never had any children, but I feel sure they would’ve been proud of such a dedicated craftsman. Without Beefy there’d be no James Bond, no Indiana Jones, and no Care Bears Movie which revealed a rarely seen sensitive side to his work. He did get into a knife fight with Funshine Bear, but that’s another story…

FLUFFER’S XMAS TOP TEN: PART 5



In the final part of his Xmas top ten, Sir Edwin Fluffer writes of his favorite Xmas films and his experience working in the cinema as an ‘actor’:

9 Miracle on 34th Street
I enjoyed this movie so much that I spent years trying to track down the preceding 33 Streets only to find that this is actually the first one. They haven’t made the sequel yet either, but I could always find time in my schedule for a cameo. I’d like to play the judge because then you can sit down behind that nice big desk and if you get too warm you can take your trousers off. 
When I was cast in The Searchers I wanted to play it with no trousers on, but the saddles on those horses were most uncomfortable. In the end I had to bring a cushion to sit on, but when John Wayne saw it he wanted one too and the whole thing got out of hand. I had to get Natalie Wood to embroider my name on my cushion because Jeffrey Hunter kept stealing it. 
Having no trousers backfired quite spectacularly when I was bitten by one of the horses, which resulted in some quite lengthy medical treatment. To this day I can’t think of lovely Natalie Wood without feeling quite uncomfortable. Sadly all of my scenes were cut from the movie because John Ford felt that the subplot I was involved in didn’t really gel with the rest of the picture. Even at the time I felt that having an astronaut with no trousers turn up in the middle of a western was slightly avant garde and once again history has proved me right.

10 Die Hard
The day I got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame I also got a phone call from that lovely young actor Alan Rickman. The poor love was in tears and I could barely understand a word he was saying. I headed straight over to his hotel room and found him in a terrible state. Ally was just about to start filming his role as the lead villain in Die Hard, but couldn’t find the character. It’s every actor’s worst nightmare. With all my years of experience in the business I couldn’t see a fellow performer suffer that way, so I stayed up with him all night long running the lines and trying desperately to find a way for him to get under the skin of that part. It was the early hours of the following morning when I suddenly had a brain wave: why not do it with an accent? 
We must’ve tried them all, Mexican, Japanese, Australian, but we got there in the end and the result is one of the most mesmerizing performances in the entire history of the cinema. So if anyone ever asks you ‘who had the bright idea to get Alan Rickman to do a French accent in Die Hard?’ you tell them Sir Edwin Fluffer! Darling Alan was terribly grateful and said he’d tried to get me a credit as dialogue coach. 
I don’t know if he remembered or not because when I saw the film I’d had a few drinks and fell asleep long before the end.