OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

SAVING MR FLUFFER

On the eve of Saving Mr Banks esteemed character actor Sir Edwin Fluffer recalls his experience of the Making of Mary Poppins:

 
Ambling down Hollywood Boulevard one morning I had the great pleasure of bumping into the always delightful Julie Andrews. Heavenly as Julie is her language comes straight from the gutter, and once she’d reminded me quite forcefully to watch where I was going I asked her if she was working at the moment.
It turned out that she’d just started filming Mary Poppins with my old pal Dick Van Dyke. Everyone in the industry knows that it was yours truly who came up with Dick’s stage name (Penis Van Lesbian just didn’t look right above the title), so I thought I’d pop down to the studio and see how he was getting on.  
 
Even to the untrained eye it was obvious that Dicky was struggling a bit with the accent, so I offered to help out with some dialogue coaching. I won’t say that he got it straight away, but certainly within a quarter of an eye he was chirping away like a cockney sparrow! Even Michael Caine was fooled, but he was still drinking in those days. 
 
Sadly the critics were unconvinced and to this day Dick’s performance is roundly mocked by young and old alike. I didn’t ask for thanks. I certainly didn’t ask for the black eye I got from the director, and the whole thing left me with a nasty taste in the mouth, for which I still blame Julie. 
 
I promised myself there and then, on Lassie’s grave, that I’d never interfere with another actor’s performance ever again. And then Sean Connery rang to say he’d been cast as a tough talking Irish cop in The Untouchables. But that’s another story…

To read more ruminations from Sir Edwin Fluffer – the only actor to ever be knighted twice – Click Here!

5 FACTS ABOUT THE LONDON FILM FESTIVAL

LONDON – So Festivals come and Festivals go but what are the FACTS! Well, the Studio Exec in anticipation of his British sojourn has polished off his best Dick Van Dyke and cor’ Blimey Guv’ if these aren’t the FACTS! behind the 57th BFI London Film Festival in partnership with American Express.

1. The London film festival originally took place in New York. It was called the London Film Festival due to the fact that the organiser was famous novelist and wolf channeller Jack London. But when he became disinterested in the world of cinema due to his death, they moved it to London so that it would make more sense.

2. Although there have been 57 editions of the festival, they only began to actually show films three years ago. Festival organiser Billy Connolly said that screening films was considered a waste of valuable drinking time.  

3. The BFI stands for Big Friendly Idiots.

4. The opening film of the festival this year is called Captain Phillips and stars Tom Hanks as the inventor of the screwdriver.

5.  As the festival takes place in Britain booing or applauding at the end of screenings is discouraged and audiences are asked politely to restrict their reactions to a quiet clearing of phlegm from the back of the throat.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!