October 21st , 1957
I had dinner with Dietrich and Chuck Heston to discuss my latest project Touch of Evil. I’d also invited Janet Leigh but she said she had plans to go to the theatre with Tony Curtis to catch some ramshackle, post modern production of the Threepenny Opera.
As usual Marlene spent the evening smoking endless cigarettes and becoming increasingly Gin sodden and Heston insisted on trying out a variety of Mexican accents and asking me which one he should adopt for his character. After an hour or so of his incomprehensible babbling I took him by the hand and said “Chuck dear. Forget about the accent. If we put a sombrero on your head and a moustache under your nose as far as the audience is concerned, you’re a Mexican”.
The main course was so nondescript and dreary it doesn’t even deserve a passing mention but I must confess I was rather fond of the chocolate roulade.
November 5th, 1957
Jack Kennedy invited me over for a late supper and I was delighted to find that Frank Sinatra was also in attendance. We chatted about politics, civil rights and the untimely but amusing passing of Senator McCarthy but when Jack made a crude reference to a sexual liaison with Marilyn Monroe, Sinatra rose from his chair and wagged a threatening finger at Kennedy. “One day you’re going to be sorry you said that Jack” said Frank menacingly and with that he grabbed his coat and slammed the door behind him as he left.
I regretfully ordered the John Dory when any sane man would have clearly opted for the Monkfish
December 23rd, 1957
Last Thursday after a particularly savage rum session, Jack Warner proposed a wager. He said that if I could survive on nothing but brandy and mince pies from now until Christmas day he would finance my next picture and give me complete creative autonomy. I immediately agreed to the bet but after five days on my limited diet, I’m beginning to think I might have been a little hasty in accepting his challenge. My bowels are no longer functioning as they once did and whenever I sit down I can feel a hot mulch of fruit, pastry and brandy bubbling away in my stomach like the foul contents of a witches cauldron.
I believe it was the Greek Tragedian Aeschylus who said “ The reward of suffering is experience” and although once upon a time those words might have brought me comfort, if that ancient sage was stood before me now I’d ring his damn neck for a fat blood orange and a tall glass of cold water.
I had two mince pies for lunch, followed by brandy.
July 21st. 2013
I popped into the grocery store for some chamomile tea and this kid, he must have been about ten, pushed in front of me. I said to him that I was next in line and he apologised but I punched him in the face anyway just to teach him a lesson.
July 23rd. 2013
Zack Synder invited me around for dinner. I told him I’d love to come as long as we didn’t discuss Batman. He said he had no problem with that so I went around to his house and when he opened the door he was dressed in a Batman costume. I said “What the F*ck Zack. I told you no Batman!”. He said he was sorry for luring me there under false pretences but he really wanted me to reprise the role. I said I understood but if he mentioned it again he was going to get a punch in the face. Suffice to say I was asked to leave before the fish course.
July 28th. 2013
I didn’t go out today so I had to punch myself in the face twice in order to release my pent up aggression. It took the edge off for a while but to be honest, it just wasn’t as satisfying as punching other people.
July 29th. 2013
I went on a bit of a crazy spree earlier. I ran around the streets of Manhattan randomly punching strangers in the face. I was stopped by a cop but he said he’d let me off with a caution if I gave him my autograph. He passed me a piece of paper and I wrote “To my good friend Officer Frank Jones. Sorry for punching you in the face.” Frank looked puzzled “but you never punched me in the face?” Ten seconds later he arrested me for assault on a police officer.
July 30th, 2013
I was at a charity dinner for victims of violence and I bumped into George Clooney. He asked me how it was going and then he made a joke about us both playing Batman. Usually that would compel me to punch him in the face but George is such a lovely man. Thankfully Jude Law was on the table next to him so the evening wasn’t a complete waste of time.