Tag: Dianetics

WILL SMITH: I’M NOT DEAD

HOLLYWOOD – Former charismatic actor Will Smith held a press conference this morning in Los Angeles denying the recent Twitter rumors that he had disappeared up his own ass and starved to death. ‘As you can all see, rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated,’ said a ruffled looking Smith:

“I’ll admit that it was a close call. I’d been stuck up my own ass for well over a decade and it was a pretty harrowing experience but I managed to survive on nuts, berries and natural spring water.”

Smith went on to say that he decided to venture into his own ass just to “see what is was like up there” but he soon realized that once he was in, it was difficult to get back out again.

“Once you’re up there, there just isn’t enough room to turn round and after a while I just gave up. I would have died of boredom a long time ago but thankfully I found of copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics and after studying the book for years it gave me the tools I needed to excrete myself.”

Asked if he had been changed by the experience, Smith sighed. 

“When I went in I was a lovable wise-cracking guy who everyone liked and now I’m kind of a shadow of my former self but I’m on the mend. I went to a group meeting the other day of actors who have survived living up their own ass and their stories are so inspirational. Jack Nicholson told me that Dennis Hopper had lived up his own ass for so long he’d raised a family in there.”

Smith said his next step on the road to recovery is to found a charity to raise awareness for those in Hollywood still deep in their own asses.

“These people need help. I mean, Sean Penn has been up his own ass for well over 30 years and there are those who think he’ll never find his way out but we must not give up hope that one day we’ll hear a plop and he’ll just slide on out.”