SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS FILM DIRECTORS

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns just in time to cast his gimlet eye over the dream factory of Hollywood, turning his attention specifically to the figure insiders call ‘the pointy arse’: the Director.

Of course, many actors will tell you that what they really want to do is direct, and some of them are jolly good at it too: The Cable Guy by dear little Benny Stiller has got to be one of my favourite movies of all time! I never once imagined that I’d end up behind the megaphone myself, but when the chance came I seized it with both hands. The fee was simply huge, and having appeared in several of Bobby Altman’s films I thought it would be money for old rope and I was right.
Some people have written entire books to explain their theories about how directors work, but it really is quite simple. All you need is an attractive young lady in a nice frock, turn the lights on so everyone can see her, and that’s it! You really can’t go too far wrong. 

I was fortunate to have the divine Jane Fonda as my leading lady, and she was good enough to wear her own clothes, so that helped ease the pressure on the budget that I’d accidentally spent entirely on champagne. We managed to film the whole thing in a single morning which was quite fortunate as I was meeting Jessica Tandy for lunch and neither of us were fit for anything once we got on the brandy. 
We allowed a good half an hour for editing and post production, and I sent my tuxedo off to the dry cleaners ready for a star studded premiere followed by drinks and a game of Twister. To this day it remains a great sadness that we were never able to find a distributor with the foresight and vision to risk their shirt on a theatrical release, but when it went straight to video Jane Fonda’s Workout was the most enormous success. We did talk about a sequel, but sadly nothing ever came of it. The idea was that Jane Fonda’s Leotard League would see her team up with Diane Keaton and the one out of The Golden Girls who I thought was a bloke, to play a crack squad of crime fighting aerobics instructors.
But that’s another story…

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PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall James Bond.

Only the other day I was talking to me dear old friend Olivia DeHavilland, (She’d dialled the wrong number and it took quite some time to convince her I wasn’t her chiropodist) and she asked me that question so many women have asked me before. “Neddy.”, she purred, “You’re a suave, if occasionally violent, alcoholic; why did you never give us your James Bond?”
 

“Maybe 50 years ago,” I laughed, before coughing only the way an elderly man who’s been on 40 a day for as long as he is able to remember can. 

It’s true I was approached about the role many many years ago, but the producers felt that my reputation as a suave if occasionally violent alcoholic wasn’t what they were looking for. I threw my drink in Cubby Broccoli’s face and left the room with as much dignity as a man who’d just wet himself could muster, and thought that was the end of it. Then only last year, my agent gave me the news that darling Sean Connery had been persuaded to come out of retirement and don the tuxedo one last time for Never Ever Say Never Again Ever Again. Would I like to play his arch-nemesis Blofeld? It took me just three weeks to negotiate the contract, and I was on set. The first day’s filming went well even though I hadn’t been able to remember any of the lines, and I retired to my dressing room. It was there I discovered that I’d come out in a terrible rash! I went to my usual doctor, who was as surprised as me to find it wasn’t a recurrence of the old problem. Turns out I was allergic to the cat that had spent the day fast asleep on my lap! 
We managed to renegotiate my shooting schedule while the props team worked on a prosthetic moggie for me to toy with menacingly, but then disaster – Sean found out that he was double booked with a pro-celebrity golf tournament and the project was shelved. There has been some talk recently of reviving it, with Diane Keaton in the main role as she can provide her own tux.
But that’s another story…

WOODY ALLEN REVEALS HIS NEW BATMAN: EDDIE MARSAN

HOLLYWOOD – Woody Allen’s new Batman film took a decisive step forward today, with the announcement of a principle cast.

The English character actor, Eddie Marsan has snaffled up the choice lead role with Kenneth Brannagh appearing as arch-villain the Riddler. Diane Keaton plays Cat Woman and Scarlett Johansson … Scarlett J… Scarlett… will play Bat Girl. Woody is also expected to appear briefly as the Joker, ‘Because you know… I used to be  …  I mean I was .. kind of a comedian’ the director joked in his trademark bespectacled fashion.

The new film – provisionally entitled To Gotham with Love – is due to begin shooting in March.

The story is simplicity itself. I went straight back to the original Dostoevsky novels and so we open with Batman in his psychiatrist’s office and he’s worried about the length of his cape. And what that means. And then he’s got Bat Girl who is like his ward, so kind of like his adopted step daughter, but at the same time she has these big bazoomers and he feels conflicted.

What about the choice of the Riddler as villain?

Yeah, the Riddler is a perfect character, because he comes in with these conundrums, but he’s also delivering some killer lines, and then on a deeper level if you think about it, he’s the guy who understands the essential gnomic quality of existence. I mean why are we here? is a real question and he asks it with ever riddle and so Batman will have to spend a lot of time in the library brushing up on his Spinoza.

And Eddie Marsan?

I saw Eddie in Tyrannosaur and  New World and Miami Vice, War Horse, Sherlock Holmes. He’s even in 21 Grams. He’s a great actor, capable of disappearing into his roles and I thought to myself I bet this guy does a really good Woody Allen impression. Sure enough I was right.