KIEV – In an attempt to resolve the violent political strife currently assailing Ukraine, the UN in New York voted a resolution to deploy the Minions made famous by their appearance in Despicable Me and the significantly better Despicable Me 2.

The General Secretary of the UN, Ban Ki-moon said that the Minions would be on a peace keeping mission which sought to diffuse the violence and provide a road map for a peaceful resolution to the internal conflict which has cost over hundred lives. 

Many questioned my judgement when I gave the Minions ambassadorial status last year, but now I think their worth will become obvious to everyone. They will be inserted between the forces of the police and military and the protesters who have occupied the squares.

Won’t there be an element of risk? What happens when the first Minion is brought home in a body bag?

Okay. Number one, they’re practically indestructible. We’ve tested them. You can’t burn them, drown them or blow them up. They’re impervious to bullet fire and gas. Number two, they’re just so damned cute. Who in their right mind will be able to resist them and their singing nonsense words and occasionally shouting ‘banana’. I mean, really? Three, they’re really cheap. 

Despicable Me 3: Blood Diamonds will be released in 2015. 


Just as the Disney presented, Jeremy Bruckheimer produced, Gore Verbinski directed, and Johnny Depp and someone else starring film The Lone Ranger heaves into view, crying “Hi-Ho-Silver, Away!”, news has arrived of a radical rethink of the film and how it’s going to be marketed.

“We’re changing the title,” screamed Verbinski down the phone. 

We were at a preview screening and one of the actors, I forget the guy’s name, tall, wears a mask, the one who isn’t Johnny… Anyway, he says, “The Lone Ranger? Why is he the Lone Ranger if he has a friend? I mean isn’t that a bit racist. Like, not counting Tonto as his friend.” And we all looked around aghast. “Who is this guy?” Jerry asked.

The film makers desperately grappled with some alternative ideas. 

First, it’s like The Ranger, then Johnny comes up with Tonto (which I really liked), then Jerry wanted to add the word ‘Caribbean’ for some reason. So we settled with The Ranger of the Caribbean and Tonto, but then the big guy … what the hell’s his name? Has a tool name… oh yeah Armie Adjustable Wrench. Or something. Anyway he says it’s ridiculous adding Tonto like that just as a way of getting everyone to come to the film to see Johnny. And reluctantly, we see that he’s right.

Tonto and the Ranger of the Caribbean will be opening opposite Some Other Films sometime in August.