WELLINGTON -Peter Jackson came out today with the shock revelation that The Desolation of Smaug – his second film in the unnecessary The Hobbit trilogy – will not feature any actual Hobbits.

‘You know,’ said the Frighteners director. ‘We’re all kind of bored of the little bastards.’

Jackson revealed shortly after releasing the first teaser trailer for the middle film that he has decided to go ahead with dwarves and elves instead.

What happens is Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) gets hit on the head at the very beginning of the second movie. He’s out of it and Gandalf and the dwarves go on the next third of the adventure and meet a bunch of people that’ll remind you of a time when you gave a shit about Middle Earth and all this bunkum. 

The film will feature the return of Orlando Bloom as Legolas. Jackson admits that the prospect was daunting at first:

We’d managed to kind of forget about Bloomy and I don’t know what he’s been doing but he hadn’t made a film for some time and everyone was very happy about that. In the end though we thought let’s just rehash some more shit and see if the teeny-boppers still remember who he is. So there it is. It isn’t like I have any artistic credibility left to lose, is it?

  The Desolation of Smaug threatens to be out around December, this year.


His identity is protected

NEW ZEALAND -We meet in Wellington at the underground car park that for the last 13 months has been home to my source. I could call him Deep Throat, but he has had the courage to blow the whistle on New Zealand’s favorite son, Peter Jackson and he’s not afraid to say his name. He is Smaug, the villain of the piece, the dragon whose gold Bilbo Baggins and his dwarf companions wish to steal. But there has been more than one crime at the Lonely Mountain.

‘S’ironic really,’ says Smaug curled up between the SUVs. ‘Petey came up and he says originally they were going to CGI the role and then the budget wasn’t looking too hot and so he decided to go practical. Course dragons are a protected species, but he don’t give a shit. First of all he strings me up with wires and has Andy Serkis pulling me fucking every which way. Well, I wasn’t having that. I said Pete, I’m an artiste. He said okay, but he was laughing.’

How do you respond to the charge that animals have been injured and killed on The Hobbit?

Not with the filming. They’re very careful. They got animal rights groups all over that. But once the cameras stop rolling, that shit from The Office goes back to his nice hotel, I’m herded down here, the horses are in some kind of abandoned mine, Moria or something it’s called. And the chickens and things like that are just eaten. The crew just jump on them. No cooking, no preparation. S’savage man.

Do you feel you have been mistreated or in anyway exploited?

There’s been a lot of hate speech. That Cate Blanchett would just look at me and say ‘who brought Puff?’ They even all wore t-shirts with Puff written on them and a picture of me. But this is nothing. You should have seen what Jackson did to Kong. He fucking hates animals, really hates them.

Would you support a boycott of the film?

No. I’m very proud of the film and my work on it. I believe in Dragon Rights and the more visible we are the less we can be abused and victimized. Look what Jaws did for sharks. Suddenly everyone loved sharks and wanted like to support shark charities. I’m hoping the Hobbit will have a similar effect on dragons.