HOLLYWOOD – Malvin Putobis, Dentist to the Stars, lifts the lid on the pearly whites of Mila Kunis.

Hi! My name is Malvin Putobis and I am Dentist to the Stars. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent inside the mouths of the rich and famous. Drilling here, polishing their, occasionally (sniff) extracting. My best pal the Studio Exec asked me if I could reveal some of the secrets about my famous clients. Immediately I said, ‘No f*cking way!’ Then he mentioned money and I said:

Mila Kunis is a delight. Why Malvin? you ask. Well, I’ll give you it in three words: ‘Gums, gums, gums.’ That’s right. Lots of people think that the secret to good teeth is in the shine of the enamel, but for us pros of the mouth the enamel is the tip of the oral iceberg. The gums are where all the action is and Mila has always been one of my favorite clients. I think it must have something to do with her coming from Russian stock. You can imagine her Grandmother riding the Steppes holding the rein of her horse clamped between her sturdy teeth, hoping that the strength of her gums will be enough to keep the Bolsheviks at bay.

Mila first reclined on my chair – the Putobis 5000 – for the first time in 2010. She’d just got the gig to do Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan and was smoking a lot of cigarettes. I worked on the discoloration and then stood back in surprise. ‘What is it?’ Ms. Kunis asked. ‘It’s your gums,’ I said. ‘They’re pure and beautiful.’ From that day forth, we’ve been friends. Though when I finally saw Black Swan I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t once show her gums in the whole movie, but that’s just testament to what a modest actor Mila really is.

Next week, Martin Short.