NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

DENNIS RODMAN CALLED IN TO NEGOTIATE WITH NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Basketball star and Kim Jong-Un BFF Dennis Rodman has been called in by Sony to help negotiate a cessation of hostilities and to ‘normalise’ relations between the media corporation and North Korea, guest contributor Anthony Langlois writes.

With Sony having sustained yet another kick in the berries following threats of terrorist acts by the alleged Hackers that led to cancelling the New York Premier of The Interview, the media giant felt it was time to break out the Nuclear option: get Dennis Rodman involved.

The notorious NBA bad boy and friend to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un announced via social media that he was once again on his way to visit the so-called dictator, in hopes that a friendly game of Horse between the two could lead to brokering peace and end the recent string of events that left Sony feeling like Heisenberg just knocked on its door.

“I didn’t do dick for Kenneth Bae,” Rodman wrote on his Facebook page, “But I can sure get Spider-man out of a Jam”.

The latter comment quickly sparked on-line speculations that the former B-Ball player was looking to score a part in the studio’s upcoming Sinister Six movie. However The Studio Exec reached out to a Sony insider who commented on the condition of anonymity, or until the next hack leaks it, that last they checked Hell was still pretty Goddamn hot so we’re safe for now.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.