CHALAMET HAS NO ANUS

Hollywood – In a world exclusive, The Exec can reveal that star of Dune, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The star of recent popular hits such as Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch, Timothee Chalamet has no anus. The Exec caught up with Chalamet as he publicised his latest movie, Dune.

 


Timothee, Thank You For Taking time Out Of Your Busy Schedule To Speak With Us.

I’ve always got time for The Studio Exec. You guys are so cool. I tell all my buddies about you. When we’re chillin’ over brewskis and pizza, playing Fortnite or COD, I tell them about you. I say to them, ‘there’s these cool guys called The Studio Exec. They’re not just out for exclusive dirt dishing. They care about me. They’re true friends.’ And when the others go to the toilet, I just plug in and recharge.

Thanks Man. That’s Really Coo- I’m Sorry, What Was That?

Whenever I’m hanging out and chillin’ with my crew, I always-

No. Not That Bit. That Last Bit You Said, About Plugging In?

Oh, right, yeah. As I don’t go to the toilet, I use the time to just plug in my power pack and recharge my energy unit.

You Don’t Go To The Toilet?

That’s correct, I don’t. My manager, Mr Geppetto said it would better for me this way. So he had my anus and lower intestine removed. I don’t poop. He said it’s because it will make me more attractive if nobody ever sees me having to poop. I do wee-wees and everything. But none of the dirty. I get my energy from clean, renewable resources. So, I’m 100% carbon neutral. On a good day, I can be a little carbon positive, which makes up for all the private jets I charter.

Can I Take A Look Please?

Yeah sure, it’s now just all smoothed over down there at the back. I’m kinda like Ken from Barbie, but around the back. That’s why I was so disappointed they gave the gig to Ryan Gosling in the new movie. Talk about non-anus prejudice. Those mother fuckers.

I Really Need To See This

(REDACTED).

Timothee Chalamet Is Currently Appearing In Denis Villeneuve’s Dune and Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch.

VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

TIMOTHEE CHALAMET NEW HAIRCUT SHOCK

The Timothee Chalamet new haircut has shocked people all around the world. The heartthrob movie star who will next be seen in sci-fi epic, Dune has had a ‘slight trim’ according to reports. The Timothee Chalamet new haircut is due to be officially unveiled at the Dune premiere.

A Timothee Chalamet New Haircut? What A Time To Be Alive!

As the heartthrob actor queued up outside his local barber shop in Manhattan, New York, interest began to mount. The actor entered the barbers and sat down in a chair, eyewitnesses have reported. He then had a cover all wrapped around him, just like a normal person. The Exec spoke with Tony Goode, owner of A Cut Above The Rest barbers, where Chalamet had his haircut.

His Hair Is Almost Just Like Ours, But More Famous

“He asked for a little off the top and a number 5 around the backs and sides.” Said Tony. “His hair smelled incredible. It was like smelling heaven or something.” By this point, crowds had begun to gather and live streams of the haircut were beaming themselves around the world. “His hair felt like normal hair, which is weird. It’s almost like ours, but more famous, Because of this, my hands were a little shaky. I had to take a minute to gather myself. And then, I began to cut.”

Like Black Strands Of Utopia

“I started by just gently snipping the ends off the top. They were already perfect. I felt like I was cutting perfection. Like drawing over the Mona Lisa. It was then he smiled at me in the mirror. I stopped cutting as his gaze warmed me. And then. Sorry, I’m getting a bit emotional. And then, he said to ‘It’s ok, you can do this. It’s what you’ve trained for all your life.’”

Right Through Me

“His power went right through me. I then started to cut and snip like a man possessed. Everything was beautiful blur. And before I knew it, I’d given him a trim on top and a number 5 around the backs and sides. I tapered the back of his milky neck. It was done. And like that, he was gone.” People now pay to just come into my shop. They just want to stand there, in the same space as he once was. It’s magical. I also now charge $800 for The Chalamet, as I call it.”

Dune opens in theatres later this year.

DENIS VILLENEUVE WEARS A REALLY HORRIBLE SCARF

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve came under fire for wearing a horrible scarf.

The film world was reeling yesterday when a picture revealed Denis Villeneuve wearing a shit scarf. One Hollywood insider told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

This could be the end of the Canadian. You don’t come back from a scarf like that. I mean what was he thinking?

The Blade Runner 2049 director wore the black scarf while apparently directing Javier Bardem who plays Stilgar in the new adaptation of Dune. This seemed to make everyone angrier. Scarf critic Gerald Waters told the Exec:

I mean, he’s in the desert! How cold can his neck be?

However, Waters also told us that Denis Villeneuve has form. “A few years ago, he wore this scarf… I don’t even know how to describe it,” Waters gags a little. “It was at the premiere of Arrival. I couldn’t believe it. I said what the hell do you think you’re doing? He said oh it’s an accessory. An accessory to fashion murder. And he laughed. He actually thought I was joking.”

David Fincher, Denis’ best friend, told the Exec that we should all give the Blade Runner 2049 director the benefit of the doubt. “He’s like a child, he hasn’t got a clue,” said the Fight Club director.

Dune will premiere at The Venice Film Festival.

 

 

DENIS VILLENEUVE TO REMAKE BLUE VELVET

HOLLYWOOD – Showbiz golden balls, Denis Villeneuve is to remake Blue Velvet.

Former Formula 1 racing driver, Denis Villeneuve will remake Blue Velvet right after Dune is released, according to a leaked memo.

In a leaked memo from his production office, ex racing driver, turned mega-successful movie director, Villeneuve lays out his plans for the future:

“Once Dune has been released I will embark on remaking Blue Velvet. I have cast Timothee Chamalamalamalamet as Jeffrey, the Kyle MacLachlan role. Zendaya will play Sandy, originally played by Laura Dern, Rebecca Ferguson will play Dorothy, originally played by Isabella Rossellini, Nic Cage will play oxygen mask wearing Frank and Kyle McLachlan will cameo as Ben, the part originally played by Dean Stockwell.
I’m going to make it more of a straight action thriller, none of that atmospheric bullshit. I’ve done more than enough of the artsy-fartsy crap to last me a lifetime. I’m gonna make the movies I want from now on.


As soon as we’ve banged that out – it should take me about 3 months from 1st draft to wrapping on the shoot, we’re moving swiftly on. Because I’m gonna remake Wild At Heart. Timothee Chamalamaleee as Sailor, Zendaya will play Lula and Willem Dafoe will still play Billy. Because, let’s face it, nobody does looney tunes as well as he does. But none of that surreal shit. It’ll be a fun road movie, like Planes, Trains and Automobiles. We’ll use Little Mix rather than some long haired Metal band, we’ll make a fortune.

Then, as soon as I’ve done that – should take me about 3 months from 1st draft to wrapping on the shoot, we move on. Bacause I’m gonna remake The Straight Story. Timothee Chamalamadingdong will play Alvin the old man, we’ll put him in a grey wig. Therefore, no one’ll know the difference. But we’re not having any of that gentle drama crap. We’re going full on Smokey And The Bandit. Cissy Spacek will play Big Enus and Rebecca Ferguson will play Little Enus. Nick Nolte will be The Snowman and Daniel Craig will Buford T Justice. I’m a fucking genius.”

Dune is due in theatres October 2021.

RIDLEY SCOTT REVEALS BLADE RUNNER 2049 PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott’s next film will be the new Blade Runner 2049 prequel.

Ridley Scott announces a prequel to Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049. With two Alien prequels under his belt, the veteran director now wants to return to the Blade Runner universe.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, the White Squall director had this to say:

I love the idea of going back and making films based on the films that I made in the past. I think they’re often better than the originals. Look at Prometheus. Everyone told me that it was miles better than the original Alien. I’m looking at doing a Thelma and Louise prequel, which would follow Thelma as a young woman. And a Black Rain prequel. Matt Damon even wants to do a Martian prequel which would just be him flying to Mars with the crew.

Wow.

I know. The other advantage in Blade Runner is that I’ve already done a prequel to Blade Runner 2049, so I can just use footage from that. Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer and Sean Young are all in it.

The synopsis reads:

A bounty hunter must find and kill a new kind of synthetic human, the Nexus. But in so doing he must come to terms with his own humanity and the limits of love.

Filming has already started according to Scott.

Blade Runner 2019 is out in August.

EVERYONE TO STAR IN DUNE

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve revealed today that everyone will star in his remake of the Science Fiction classic Dune.

With Timothee Chalamet, Oscar Isaac, Sting and Charlotte Rampling already confirmed, Denis Villeneuve’s movie adaptation of Frank Herbert’s Dune is beginning to take shape. He spoke with us about his casting decision to recruit the population of the world to ‘swell the scene’.

The thing is we have in Dune the population of Arrakis, but also the home planet of the Artreides: Caladan and Giedi Prime, the planet of the Harkonnens. So we need actors to play the populations of those planets. And we decided quite early on we don’t want Dune to be a mass of CGI. We want it to be as close to real as possible. That’s the way people will engage in the story. My first argument on reading the book, my first thesis, was this isn’t really science fiction, so much as an alternative historical novel. Think about it. There are families and barons and all that. It’s more Game of Thrones than Star Wars.

 Although the population of the world will be expected to get up very early in the morning, they will be pain in spice. And the SPICE MUST FLOW.

Dune starts filming on Tuesday.

STING TO REPRISE DUNE ROLE IN OLD FEYD

HOLLYWOOD – Sting returns to acting with Dune spin-off Old Feyd.

Of all Sting’s many, many acting roles, Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen in Dune is undoubtedly his most iconic. The scene-stealing turn in David Lynch’s iconic science fiction classic captured the imaginations of audiences everywhere. Fans have called for a stand alone Feyd movie for some years and today Sting announced their dreams will come true. Speaking to Chapeau the French cultural magazine de jour, Sting exclaimed:

Everyone knows that Feyd-Rautha died at the end of Dune. But our film asks the question: what if he didn’t?

Denis Villeneuve will direct the new film, according to Sting from a screenplay written by the ex-Police front man.

We’re so excited. I was watching Blade Runner 2049 and just thinking how wonderful Old Feyd will be.

Sting also spoke about the story:

Feyd Rautha survives the fight with Paul Atreides despite seeming dead. He is smuggled back to Geidi Prime where he plots the destruction of House Atreides and his return to Arrakis. But while recovering from the grievous wound Paul inflicted, Feyd becomes interested in middle of the road rock and meditation. The film takes a more philosophical turn as Feyd becomes convinced only music and specifically a kind of watered down reggae can make the universe a better place.

The film arrives in a flurry of Dune related projects, with Denis Villeneuve’s remake already in the works and David Lynch’s long-awaited sequel Dune Messiah due out next year.

Old Feyd will be released in 2019.

 

BLADE RUNNER 2049 ONLY MAKES $210 AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 had a disappointing opening week.

Blade Runner 2049 has flopped at the box office, only taking a measly $210 according to reports.

Harrison Ford star of the film said:

It’s complete shit. You go into a store with $210 dollars, you come out with one shoe.

The disastrous opening came as a surprise as the film boasts two bankable stars, wonderful critical reception and is the sequel of a film largely consider a cornerstone of science fiction cinema. Ryan Gosling contended the news was not all bad:

I know some shoe shops where you can get a decent pair of shoes for $210. Like slip-ons or espadrilles. Obviously not suede ankle boots. Harrison is probably thinking of suede ankle boots. You’d need more money for those.

We asked Denis Villeneuve about the film’s performance.

Obviously I’m disappointed. On the one hand we wanted to make a film in a certain way and I think we made that film. So in that sense I’m glad. But in another, I had my eye on these really nice suede ankle boots and I guess I’m not going to be able to get those now. Until the Dune money comes in at least.

Blade Runner 2049 is still in theaters.

REVIEW – BLADE RUNNER 2049

REVIEW – BLADE RUNNER 2049 – La La Land sequel sets dour tone.

In Blade Runner 2049, Ryan Gosling returns to LA but now it is no longer ‘Another Day of Sun’. Rather it is rainy and sometimes snowy and sometimes dusty and always misty. Following a thirty five year break here is the Blade Runner sequel no one actually asked for. The good news is that it isn’t awful. Gosling is the replicant cop – no ‘is or isn’t he?’ nonsense here – who must hunt down runaway versions of his own kind and dispatch them. When he comes across a body buried in the ground, he finds himself unearthing LITERALLY a secret that could have huge ramifications on the world.

So the good things are as follows. It looks good. Roger Deakins and Denis Villeneuve have done a bang up job of filming the noir elements and making the world of the near future look real. Gosling is fine. His C3PO impression is well within his range. There’s not much Harrison Ford. As with his return as Han Solo, I find Mr ‘Which Runway?’ increasingly plays himself in a way that is distracting. And the story is interesting and well realized.

The bad things are niggles. So in love with its own visual flair, the pacing does drift into prolonged gazing at itself. The procedural detective work just involves Gosling going places slowly. And I didn’t like the way the film tries to be bigger. The original film was about Deckard killing four replicants. Not much was at stake. He didn’t even reallly have to do it. The new film posits the possibility of a revolution or war and epochal change. Weirdly this largeness is incomplete feeling as if it’s setting up another chapter. Jared Leto’s baddie is a creepy Jesus guy but his sporadic appearances feel like something wasn’t quite worked out.

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HARRISON FORD’S COSTUME IN BLADE RUNNER 2049 COST $26

HOLLYWOOD – Harrison Ford’s costume for Blade Runner 2049 only cost $26 before tax.

Rick Deckard is back in Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 and he’s blade running for his life. The trailer hit the internet yesterday and left so much to unpack. But the take home for many was Harrison’ Ford’s costume. We spoke with the Mosquito Coast actor EXCLUSIVELY about his costume choices:

The costume people come round to my house. They’ve spent weeks going over and over with these designs and sketches. I talked to Ryan and he’s taking this shit way to seriously. He’s worried he’ll have a cold chin so he gets them to make this high collar. You know, to protect his chin. Do you know that Gosling means baby goose?

Yes, I guess…

Makes you think. Huh. My surname means ‘American car’.

Your costume…?

Well, then they say ‘How about you Mr Ford?’ and I say ‘I’m wearing my costume right now’. They looked confused. I was just wearing a t-shirt. They started trotting out these space trousers, but I told them to fuck off. This shirt cost me $26.

That’s great.

For a pack of three.

Blade Runner 2049 will be released in October.

DENIS VILLENEUVE TO REMAKE KRULL

HOLLYWOOD – Following Blade Runner and Dune, Denis Villeneuve plans to remake Krull.

Sicario and Arrival director Denis Villeneuve will direct a remake of the science-fiction/fantasy classic Krull. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

We’re going to get as many of the original cast back together. I know Liam Neeson is lobbying to be in it again, along with Robbie Coltrane and Lysette Anthony and Kenneth Marshall are keen to have small roles. Obviously, what we have to do is retain the authenticity of the original and yet at the same time bring in some new faces. Zach Galifianakis is playing Colwyn and Amy Adams is going to be Lyssa.

Why Krull?

We’re doing Blade Runner and then Dune. I just have a bunch of old science fiction movies from the 80s and I throw a dart and whatever I hit I make.

Peter Yates directed the original. Edgar Wright and Duncan Jones have both talked about directing a remake, but in the end couldn’t be bothered.

Krull will be released in 2018.

AMY ADAMS’ TOP FIVE TOOTHBRUSHES

HOLLYWOOD – Amy Adams – the versatile Hollywood actress of Arrival, The Master, Man of Steel and American Hustle – came into the Studio Exec office to give us her top 5 toothbrushes of 2016.

Amy Adams! Toothbrushes! Go!

1 The Colgate Extra Clean Toothbrush is the Amazon no. 1 bestselling toothbrush. With a thin, flexible easy grip and a good head, the stern bristles ensure that every tooth gets a thorough clean. The thing which stands out for me though is the cleaning tip, which is particularly good at getting spinach out from between your teeth.

2 Mila Kunis once told me the most important part of your smile is your gums. And the Oral-B Pro-Health Clinical Pro-Flex medium Toothbrush is the toothbrush for you. Two flexing sides gives the discerning mouth a powerful working over. Your gums will shine like Jessica Chastain.

3 When working with the late great Philip Seymour Hoffman we would often speak about acting. He said it all began with the teeth. The Dr. Collings Perio Toothbrush gives a flossing effect that Philip would have loved, penetrating with its innovative tapered filaments even between the most stubborn molars.

4 Directors Paul Thomas Anderson and Denis Villeneuve have radically different styles but one thing they have in common is their adoration of the GUM Technique Deep Clean Toothbrush. The 45-degree angle ensures thorough cleaning without irritation.

5 The Nimbus Microfine Toothbrush has a whitening effect and is cheep. I once saw Leonardo diCaprio stick it up his ass, but that’s another story.

For more of Amy Adams’ Top 5 advice Click Here

ARRIVAL – REVIEW

REVIEW – Denis Villeneuve’s Arrival is clever science fiction which manages to escape its essential silliness.

There’s a lot that is silly in Arrival. Forrest Whitaker’s husky soldier is one of them, with his peremptory attempt to recruit Amy Adams. She is a linguist and aliens have arrived. We need to know what they’re saying. Jeremy Renner is another scientist, tagging along to say some funny stuff. The light relief to Adams’ mopey egg head. See there seems to be some Sandra Bullock like grief to contend with but don’t rush to judge. Villeneuve is on a role at the moment. And he has a habit of making the silly luscious and strangely smart. Prisoners was a mess but looked great. Sicario is a masterpiece. And we’ve still got his Blade Runner sequel to contend with. He even makes aliens that communicate via coffee rings seem deep, so I think we’re in safe hands.

 

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