HOLLYWOOD – Demi Moore is world famous but what do we really know about ex Mrs Bruce Willis and ex Mrs Ashton Kutcher?
We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad to find out more about Demi Moore and divorce you from the Ashton Kutchner of your stupidity.
1. She’s still alive.
2. Filming of Striptease and G.I. Jane overlapped and so Demi occasionally got flustered and shot people when she should have been taking her clothes off. And took her clothes off when she should have been killing people.
3. Demi Moore’s father Dudley Moore was made famous in his film Arthur, and she appears briefly in the film riding a horse. When Dudley gave Demi away at her first wedding he got drunk and peed in the avocado mousse.
4. Demi Moore’s marriage began as an elaborate attempt to punk’d Ashton Kutchner and it continued as an elaborate attempt to punk’d him and finished when it was revealed that it wasn’t a joke.
5. Bruce Willis first met Demi on the set of Moonlighting when she was playing Cybil Shepherd, the female detective. They shared a love of chess, but found they were incompatible when he insisted on occasionally singing to her. Also Demi Moore once had really bad gas. But instead of being ashamed of this she used her own predicament to publicize the issue at the United Nations by having herself photographed and full Zeppelin mode. Five seconds after this photo was taken, Demi let rip and blew out the windows of the studio.
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!
HOLLYWOOD – We only have ourselves to blame. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore – the romance of the millennium, the fairy story that look set to end in acrimony and scandal – will actually continue.
The separation and divorce announced and filed December 2012, has turned out to be yet another elaborate gag on the part of the irrepressible Ashton Kutcher.
‘Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,’ said Mr. Kutcher to the three journalists who turned up to the press conference. ‘HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Phew. There, now you’ve been Punk’d by the master perhaps (and this is the serious point me and Demi wanted to make) you won’t be so quick to gloat at the failing of a celebrity marriage between an Amazonian beauty and a youngster who’s famous for pretty much nothing.’
The fake separation was greet with expressions of joy also by Ms. Moore’s ex, Bruce Willis, who found out about it when he turned up to Demi Moore’s house with a huge bouquet of flowers, a diamond re-engagement ring and champagne on ice. ‘Oh…’ he said, with a small choking sound. ‘That’s wonderful. And funny. I suppose. Does anyone know where the nearest bar is from here?’
3 Other Famous Kutcher Japes
1. Convincing everyone that abstemious book worm Charlie Sheen was actually a wild party animal, Kutcher through hacking Sheen’s phone managed to create an impression of such staggering instability that Sheen was booted off his incredibly successful sit-com Two and a Half Men. To make it even funnier, he was replaced by … Ashton Kutcher! HA!
2. During the filming of The Guardian, he convinced Kevin Costner that the film was actually about the British newspaper The Guardian and Costner spent six months in their London offices doing research which proved useless when it came to filming the scenes as a Coast Guard rescue swimmer.
3. Prior to filming Jobs Kutcher told everyone he had read the script when as a matter of fact he still hasn’t.
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher will be divorcing again next week for anyone who missed it.
NEW ORLEANS – Sexy pensioner and multi-award winner Dame Helen Mirren,was arrested earlier today after a dawn raid of her New Orleans apartment uncovered the bodies of 26 women.
Detective Dave Robicheaux was in charge of the police task force that discovered the remains.
It was a grisly scene [said a grizzled Robicheaux]. The victims were all in their early 20s and every one of them had been drained of blood, to the very last drop. She’d stored them all in her walk-in chest freezer and judging by the ‘best before’ date stickers on the bodies, she’s been killing for at least a decade.
Immediately rumours began to spread around the superstitious residents that Mirren was a vampire and several witch doctors gathered outside of the apartment chanting protection spells and sacrificing chickens. Detective Robicheux, however, dismissed such flights of fancy.
Look, every time somebody dies in New Orleans people think it’s a vampire. Couple that with Twilight being at cinemas and you’ve got a cold case of mass hysteria but the sad fact is: this is simply the work of a disturbed and extremely vain human being. We found a bath full of blood and Mirren’s DNA was all over it. She’s basically been doing a Liz Bathory and bathing in the red stuff to try and keep herself looking young. By the looks of her, she might have been onto something. I mean come on, she’s like a hundred years old and I don’t know a hot bloodied man alive who wouldn’t tap that ass.
News of Mirren’s massacre has sent shock waves throughout Hollywood and rumour has it several prominent actresses including Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon have skipped town and gone into hiding.
“We think Mirren is just the tip of the iceberg,” said Robicheux. “At least 600 girls have gone missing in Hollywood over the last twenty years and not all of them can be under Warren Beatty‘s patio.”
HOLLYWOOD – Jobs star and ex-Mr Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher announced his long awaited marriage to M actress Judi Dench earlier today.
Rumors had been rife about the couple ever since, Kutcher accompanied Dame Dench o the premier of The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel last year, and friends of the couple have said the two have made no secret of their commitment. A source close to Kutcher (it was Jonah Hill) told Studio Exec anonymously:
We went out for dinner and although they were discreet, arriving separately and leaving at different times, it was obvious to everyone in the room that they were very much in love. They had their hands all over each other and Kelsey Grammer actually told them to get a room at one point.
Friends said that the two have a great deal in common, one of them is a highly accomplished actor and they both enjoy breathing cool air and taking walks in the moonlight. It is reported that they are planning a small private ceremony to which close friends and Bruce Willis will be invited.
Jobs 2: Retina Display will be released in 2015.
HOLLYWOOD – Perhaps one of Hollywood’s most famous families – the Moores – are to be the subject of scandal mongering author Jinx Splack’s new book Moore the Merrier. Roger Moore and Mary Tyler-Moore founded the dynasty in 1963 when the future 007 renounced his bachelor ways for domestic bliss with an American icon.
Fiercely competitive from the start – especially with his younger brother the comedian and pianist Dudley Moore – Roger and Mary began hatching children almost immediately. First came the twins Demi and Julianne, and then troublesome little Mikey, who raged against his parents’ VIP lifestyle and made angry documentaries against close family friend Charlton Heston.
Patrick Moore – Roger and Dudley’s elder brother and famous in the UK as a TV astrologer – wrote in his memoirs Very Moore-ish:
To sit around Roger’s dinner table is to be hit with all the vulgarity of American success unleavened by any sense of humility. Demi and Julianne chew gum noisily in competing stages of dishabille; Michael stuffs himself with entire farms of food while talking about the poverty in the Third World (a science fiction film, perchance?), Mary ‘cracks wise’ and Roger cannot even bring himself to raise the famous eyebrow of disapproval.
However, Jinx Splack’s new book claims controversially that the Moore family are not actually related.
Roger never married Mary Tyler Moore; he is not Dudley or Patrick Moore’s brother and Michael Moore, Demi Moore and Julianne Moore are not their children. They simply have the same surname.
Friends close to the family have reacted with anger, shock and confusion. ‘She’s just a bitch,’ said one source. Jinx Splack has a history of famous exposés including The Stewarts, in which she claimed that Jon Stewart and Patrick Stewart were not Rod Stewart’s children and Patrick Stewart and Martha Stewart were not married and had not had Kristen Stewart as their daughter. The publication of the book, however, was a severe blow to her credibility as it was disproved by ample DNA testing. Many see this as the end of a career which had begun so promisingly with her birlliant uncovering of The Baldwin Myth.