DID FRANK SINATRA KILL JFK?

WASHINGTON – Earlier today, the estate of the late Dean Martin sensationally released a signed document which they claim is the dictated deathbed confession of the former lounge singer and actor.

The document, which is still awaiting official verification, contains several allegations including Jerry Lewis’ secret donations to The Baadar-Meinhoff Gang and Sammy Davies Jnr’s links to the Israeli Intelligence service Mossad. The most explosive passage of the confession, however, is Martin’s suggestion that Frank Sinatra was the infamous ‘Man on
the Grassy Knoll’, who conspiracy theorists have long alleged was responsible for the assassination of former US president John F Kennedy:

I was at my suite in The Tropicana in December 1963 and Sinatra came over with a bottle of Scotch. We polished that off pretty swiftly and, halfway through the next, Frank suddenly asked me what I thought about the assassination. I told him I was sorry for his family but after what that son of a bitch did to Marilyn – I had no personal love for the man. Suddenly, Frank started laughing like a maniac and when I asked him what he was laughing about, he said he had a confession to make; but if I ever told anyone about it I’d end up in a hole in the desert. I thought he was just drunk and boasting so I said, “Sure Frank, spill your guts and I won’t tell another living soul.”

Well what he said next has been eating away at my conscience for over 30 years. He told me that the wrong man had been accused of killing the president and ole Harvey Oswald had been set up to take the fall. Still thinking he was just kidding around I said “Sure Frank, how come you know so much about it?”. Suddenly Sinatra approached me, put both hands firmly on my shoulders and looked me straight in the eye. “I know about it Deano because I was the man who shot JFK”.

Now Frank was known for talking all kinds of bull and, at first, I thought he was just taking a joke too far – but then he told me how he had been at a card game on November 19th with Mickey Rooney, Tony Curtis, Peter Lawford and Mob boss Sam Giancana. He said everyone was pretty drunk and Sam got talking about how he rigged the New York vote to get Kennedy elected but the President was still busting his balls left, right, and centre. Then the conversation turned to what that son of a bitch did to Marilyn; Giancana got angry and exclaimed, “Will no-one rid me of this turbulent President?” With that, Frank said he excused himself from the table to take a leak and decided he was going to charter a plane to Dallas and assassinate Kennedy.

“It was easy Deano”, he told me, “I borrowed a rifle from Lauren Bacall and jumped on a plane to Dallas. Next thing I know it’s lunch time and I’m stood behind this grassy knoll holding half a bottle of tequila and a 6.5 mm Carcano. I saw the Presidents Limo go past, fired off a couple of shots and then wandered off to find a 7-Eleven.”

I asked Frank how Oswald got caught up in the mess and he said he had “No idea,” but it was – “Probably something to do with the Cubans”.

You know I’ve kept that secret for so long but now I’m on my way out, I thought it was high time the truth came out.

Obviously Martin’s revelations are already sending shock waves around the world and we will keep you updated on the fallout, as it happens.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS MARILYN MONROE

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the actress they called the ‘blonde arse’: Marilyn Monroe.

You’ll be surprised at how many people still think that Marilyn Monroe invented the telephone, but it’s simply not true. In all fairness she was a dab hand with a screwdriver, but that level of technical knowledge was simply beyond her. Rather unfairly this added to her reputation as a ‘ditzy blonde’, but if I needed a set of shelves putting up, Mags was always the first girl I’d ask.

‘Measure twice, cut once,’ was her motto, and it served her well. I’ve never seen dovetail joints like Marilyn’s, and that’s coming from a man who got Lee Marvin to mend the skirting board in his spare room. 
And despite her superstar status, she was really quite affordable: Danny Kaye wanted some fencing put up in his back yard and she did it for $250. That included the paint and materials! 
Of course, Sidney Poitier was furious. He thought she was deliberately undercutting his prices, and ended up with a garage full of chipboard that he couldn’t get rid of. In the end he cut his losses and sold the lot to Dickie Burton at a knock down price, and he used it for the sets on Cleopatra. I think Marilyn got fed up with it all when Sammy Davis Jnr complained about the door frame she did in his dining room. It did stick sometimes, but nothing like as much as Sammy said it did. In the end she just put her tools back in the van and there they stayed. I begged her not to give up, but her mind was quite settled. 
‘I’m just going to do the acting from now on Neddy,’ she said, and bless her heart she was true to her word. 
Of course carpentry’s loss was Hollywood’s gain, but even when Betty Grable needed sanding down on How To Marry A Millionaire she just went back to her trailer and let the crew get on with it. 
I did once see her chiseling Tony Curtis, but that’s another story…

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS LASSIE

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the dog they called the ‘barking arse’: Lassie.

Robert Mitchum had just been telling me how he single-handedly introduced the tin can to Venezuela when there was a knock at the door. The room was full of the smoke from Bobby’s jazz cigarettes so it took me a while to answer, but imagine my delight to find none other than Lassie standing in the porch!

Naturally I invited her in for tea, but there were more urgent matters at hand. Through a series of excited barks it soon became apparent that Dean Martin had fallen down a well, and it was up to Bobby and I to rescue him! 

I helped Mitchum to his feet, had a quick brandy and a couple of sandwiches, and we set off to find Dino. I will be honest and say that the search got off to a slow start. Neither of us knew of any nearby wells, and we did get distracted for a couple of hours in one of my favorite cocktail bars. After a while Bobby said we should forget about the wells altogether and so we started lifting up the man hole covers from the road to see if we could find Dino trapped in the sewer system. 

The traffic is quite dangerous on Hollywood Boulevard and although we did try to explain the urgency of the situation to passing motorists few if any were sympathetic to Dean’s plight. Lassie ran off as soon as the police arrived, and I regret to say that we never managed to locate Dino. 

I was told several years later that in fact he was at home in bed with a slight migraine the whole time, but it’s like Lassie said: better to be safe than sorry. I wish she’d been as safe around Rin Tin Tin, but that’s another story…

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