THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS PLOT LEAKS

MOVIE NEWS – With the release of the first trailer for Lana Wachowski’s 4th Matrix film comes the inevitable, as The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks online. Hackers have gained access to Warner Bros final shooting script and the details are staggering. The Matrix Resurrections plot leaks will turn not only your rabbit, but also your shit white.

The Matrix Resurrections Plot Leaks Feel Weirdly Familiar

The Exec has read the script. And even after reading it, this is all we could figure out. We join Neo in a new reality where he is now known as John Wick. For years he has been an international super assassin with a soft spot for dogs. But now he’s in retirement… and therapy with Dr. Doogie Howser. Mirrors are now portals our hero can walk through. So there’s that.

Oh Jeez, Don’t Even Trip Dawg

Talking of portals, a strange Doctor with a weird child sidekick arrives through a green portal, claiming to be the smartest being in the Universe, but he disappears halfway through for an annoying mid-season break. So we’re back with Neo-sorry- John Wick (it’s confusing when they have the same hair). And he bumps into Trinity, although she isn’t and doesn’t recognize him. And he isn’t, and doesn’t either. So that’s all clear.

Crash, Bang, Zoom

And then shit starts exploding and there’s punching and kicking in bullet time. And The Matrix is now the hotel for assassins run by Lovejoy from Deadwood. There’s a really important Macguffin in one of the rooms. It’s really mysterious and wrapped up in pseudo-eastern philosophy. It’s like Sun Tzu rewriting Cloud Atlas filtered through Ayn Rand. This stuff is so convoluted, they had to get that friggin’ douche, The Architect back just to explain this stuff to justify blowing up a helicopter. We don’t care, just blow the fucking helicopter up. But don’t panic. Neo still says ‘Woah’ at least once every reel. And he still knows Kung Fu.

The Matrix Resurrections Is Released In December, And We Can’t Wait

DEADWOOD MOVIE GETS GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news Deadwood fans have been waiting for: Deadwood: the Motion Picture is going to happen.

The cult HBO Western Deadwood about the inhabitants of the eponymous  frontier town first aired in 2004 and set new standards for swearing on television. Cancelled due to a combination that people only watched it on DVD and the expenses of building a town, news of a movie has been tantalizingly spare, and many had given up hope. 

Timothy Olyphant (star of Justified) said no way; David Milch, the show’s creator, said nix nix, Ian McShane who played the unquotable Al Swearengen said you’ve got to f*cking be kidding me. 

All in fact, except the Studio Exec who yesterday managed to get Richard Plepler the current CEO of HBO in a headlock. It was an intimate function and security backed off  imagining that I was performing the Heimlich maneuver. ‘What’s this about?’ gasped Richard. ‘What the…?’ I told him I was a desperate man. I had to know what happened.

You can’t just leave me hanging like that. Years! Nothing resolved. It’d be like Schubert not finishing a symphony or something.   

There was a lot of spluttering, some sobbing and lots of pleading, but finally I let him go. 

‘You mad bastard,’ he said. He was quite literally spitting blood. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

Deadwood: The Motion Picture will begin filming once I send Richard the location of his favorite dog.

47 FILMS: 45. THE LONG RIDERS

In our continuing series of 47 films to see before you are murdered in your dreams we present Walter Hills The Long Riders.

Walter Hill has had a strange career as a director. He’s produced some stone cold classics – 48 Hours, Extreme Measures, Southern Comfort to name a few. He’s directed the first episodes of the TV show Deadwood and was a writer and producer on the Alien franchise. He made Brewster’s Millions for crying out loud. And yet he never seems to get the recognition he deserves. Perhaps this is because some of his best work feels like it’s been influenced by past masters. The Warriors is a New York Clockwork Orange. The Driver has Bullitt written all over it. And The Long Riders is the best Western Sam Peckinpah never made. It also doesn’t help that he’s made some dross like gender realignment thriller The Assignment.

The Long Riders is another telling of the Jesse gang which takes as its gimmick the casting of real life brothers Stacy Keach and James Keach in the leads. Along with Keith Carradine, David Carradine and Robert Carradine as the Younger brothers. Randy Quaid and Dennis Quaid are here. Christopher Guest and Nicholas Guest play the Ford brothers. The overwhelming impressions is people had a lot of brothers in those days.

The story is familiar enough, but Hill films the action brilliantly. A protracted shootout in a town produces a bloodbath worthy of Peckinpah. The sound of the bullets played backwards creates a nightmarish ambience. And unlike Peckinpah there actually seems to be pain in the violence. The performances are all top class though it’s fun to notice which brothers come off best. James Keach has a dead-woodenness that actually suits his role. Soundtrack by Ry Cooder is also fantastic.

For more of our 47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams CLICK HERE.

HBO NEW SHOW JUST CALLED ‘ORGY’

NEW YORK – HBO have announced a new show simply titled Orgy.

Following the success of Game of Thrones and Westworld, HBO have announced a new show Orgy.

An insider from the studio told the Studio Exec:

The new show is simplicity itself. There’s fifty minutes of orgy every week. There’s not going to be a plot. Maybe five minutes. Characters I suppose but you know… It’s going to look amazing. And that’s it. We’re thinking of weaving in some other shows. We still have the sets and costumes from Vinyl. It was set in the 70s so that has a porny vibe. But that’s it.

Gaspar Noe is to direct the pilot episode and David Duchovny will star.

Orgy will show in early 2017.

HBO DENIES INTRODUCING ADULT THEMES TO SESAME STREET

NEW YORK – Sesame Street is now on HBO but the cable company are denying that they have interfered with content.

Beloved children’s program Sesame Street is at the center of a new controversy following the revelation that the cable company wishes to introduce its trademark adult orientated content. Dave Begby of Television Today told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that HBO were interfering with many of the creative decisions in the making of the show:

I know a few people who are on the inside of the production and there is a lot of feeling there that they have changed a number of things to bring the show more into line with shows that HBO have done in the past. Like The Wire, The Sopranos and Deadwood for instance.

But those shows were aimed at an …

An adult audience. Yes, absolutely. But HBO have come to regard swearing, nudity, violence and sex-position as part of their DNA. And this has seen some very strange decision on Sesame Street.

Okay. So give me an example. 

Where to begin? Bert and Ernie are now two sexy chicks who get it on constantly. The Cookie Monster is a crack smoking hobo. Oscar the Grouch speaks like Al Swearengen. Kermit the Frog still reports for Sesame Street News, but it’s all drive by shootings and gangland slaughter and Big Bird runs a crime syndicate that controls everything that goes on in the neighborhood. In fact, that song ‘The People that You Meet in the Neighborhood’ sums it up. It now sounds like Travis Bickle’s monologue from Taxi Driver put to music.

Sesame Street is now available on HBO.

DEADWOOD MOVIE GETS GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news Deadwood fans have been waiting for: Deadwood: the Motion Picture is going to happen.

The cult HBO Western Deadwood about the inhabitants of the eponymous  frontier town first aired in 2004 and set new standards for swearing on television. Cancelled due to a combination that people only watched it on DVD and the expenses of building a town, news of a movie has been tantalizingly spare, and many had given up hope. 

Timothy Olyphant (star of Justified) said no way; David Milch, the show’s creator, said nix nix, Ian McShane who played the unquotable Al Swearengen said you’ve got to f*cking be kidding me. 

All in fact, except the Studio Exec who yesterday managed to get Richard Plepler the current CEO of HBO in a headlock. It was an intimate function and security backed off  imagining that I was performing the Heimlich maneuver. ‘What’s this about?’ gasped Richard. ‘What the…?’ I told him I was a desperate man. I had to know what happened.

You can’t just leave me hanging like that. Years! Nothing resolved. It’d be like Schubert not finishing a symphony or something.   

There was a lot of spluttering, some sobbing and lots of pleading, but finally I let him go. 

‘You mad bastard,’ he said. He was quite literally spitting blood. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

Deadwood: The Motion Picture will begin filming once I send Richard the location of his favorite dog.

THE SESSIONS: REVIEW

The Jewish shopkeeper from Deadwood spends his days in an Iron Lung flirting with his hot care assistants and typing poetry with a straw. He seeks spiritual guidance from his shaggy haired comedy priest William H. Macy, who lives vicariously through his tales of wanton desire. Mr Iron Lung decides to hire a sex surrogate (Helen Hunt), who  is basically a prostitute that takes notes.



After several scenes of a tasty looking Hunt getting her flaps out and Captain Iron Lung  prematurely ejaculating, he finally manages full penetration much to the delight of himself and the audience. They fall in love but she’s already married so he hooks up with Calamity Jane from Deadwood who spends the next five years washing his balls before he dies on her. A sweet and amusing high brow rom-com and easily the best sex scenes between an able bodied woman and a paralyzed guy since Hunt rode Stoltz in Waterdance.

Does she have a fetish?.We can only speculate but rumor is she’s signed up to play the love interest in Spike Lee’s Curtis Mayfield biopic. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is just plain dirty.