RYAN REYNOLDS IS EXHAUSTING

Hollywood – The Studio Exec can reveal an open letter signed by dozens of Hollywood’s top movie stars will be published in various trade publications stating that Ryan Reynolds is exhausting. The letter is seen as an attempt by friends and loved ones of the Canadian movie star to just ‘give it a rest every now and then’. Not only does the letter state Ryan Reynolds is exhausting to be around but his constant meta commentary and breaking of fourth walls that aren’t there in real life is growing very thin.

Ryan Reynolds Is Exhausting

The Studio Exec can reveal extracts of the heart-breaking letter; “Dear Ryan, Please know that what we say in this letter comes from a place of love and support. We don’t mean to undermine you or make you feel bad. We all want you to be happy. But you will not find happiness with constant narration of your life to an audience that simply isn’t there.”

Dick Jokes

“You are more than tiny dick jokes, large dick jokes and knowing glances to a camera that isn’t there. Please remember that Ryan Reynolds is not a part to play. He is a man, a talented and funny man that can exist and thrive outside of staged Instagram spats with Hugh Jackman.”

You’re Not Deadpool

“The continual meta-commentary was kinda fun for a while in Deadpool and most of Deadpool 2. But it’s not a blueprint for real life. Ordering food in a restaurant takes hours with all of your cheeky asides over your shoulder. Don’t make us rethink the merits of what they did with your character in Wolverine: X-Men Origins.”

You’re Hurting Others

“Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson appears to be going down the same road, having seen your schtick and thought, ‘Kerching!’ It’s only a matter of time before he starts breaking more and more fourth walls and flexing his eyebrows at us. Please Ryan, don’t let this happen.”

Red Notice, The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard and Free Guy are separate films… apparently.

BELA TARR SIGNS ON FOR DEADPOOL 2

BUDAPEST – Bela Tarr has signed on for Deadpool 2 after the original director Tim Miller bowed out because he was tired.

Distinguished Hungarian film director Bela Tarr will direct iconoclastic superhero movie Deadpool 2. He met with Studio Exec to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the film and his plans.

He met with Studio Exec to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the film and his plans. We asked how the director of the Werkmeister Harmonies, Satantango and The Turin Horse ended up directing the follow-up to the hit of the year, Deadpool:

They asked me if I wanted to direct Deadpool. I said yes. It starts with the word dead. I liked that.

Will you be maintaining Deadpool’s irreverent tone and humor? 

No.

Erm. Are you a fan of the comic books?

Comic books? Comic books are for children. Do I look like a child to you?

No. I suppose, just that Deadpool is based on a comic book. So I thought… How are you going to handle the action sequences? You haven’t really had much experience of action sequences.

No action sequences. Just long shots of Deadpool. He takes a horse to a well. But there’s no water in the well. The horse dies. Then Deadpool dies. The end. Three hours, twenty-five minutes.

Deadpool 2: Deadpool and the Dead Horse will be released in 2018.

 

RYAN REYNOLDS RULES OUT DEADPOOL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Reynolds has today announced that there will not be a Deadpool 2, despite a stunning box office performance by the wise-cracking R-rated superhero last week.

‘No Deadpool 2,’ Ryan Reynolds pronounced clearly on Monday evening to a tired but lucid Studio Exec in the Studio Exec penthouse of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. No doubt fans will be baffled by this move but Reynolds seemed resolute and gave his reasoning in a way that made it seem that he had thought this out clearly.

What do people like about Deadpool? They like that it is refreshing and R-rated and original. Above all original. No one has done this kind of irreverent take on the superhero genre since Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2. There was Super as well, which was brilliant though not many people went to see it. And that one with Woody Harrelson which was pretty much the same idea. I mean if you think about it Guardians of the Galaxy and the first Avengers movie are essentially comedies disguised as Marvel movies. But none of that matters, what I was saying is no one has ever seen anything like Deadpool before. So there’s that. That is the thing that is so good about the film. So what am I going to do? Deadpool 2? NO! That would be BS. And everyone would see it for the chicken shit move it would be. We’re going to keep Deadpool as a unique and wonderful experience. We’re going to respect the integrity of the piece, instead of trying to milk it for dirty dollars, as the quality almost inevitably goes down.

Wow! That’s quite a…

Act of heroic artistic vision? Yes, I know. And I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be easy. I’m sure the studios will be trying to put a lot of pressure on me and the director but we’re solid. This is our decision. I’m only sorry that Stephen Lang is going to be disappointed. He’s a great actor and I’d have loved to have worked with him. Maybe we’ll find something else.

But this is also a sacrifice for you personally. I mean Deadpool is your breakout success. You should really think about doing something else with it.

Don’t worry about old Ryan Reynolds. He’s like a cat. And I don’t mean I can lick my own asshole. I mean I land on my feet all the time. Look at that time you said my eyes were too close together. Did I crumble? No. I went to Mexico and had illegal corrective surgery. As long as Nicolas Sparks is writing novels, I’ll be okay. Who knows? We might even do that Green Lantern sequel everyone has been begging me for.

Deadpool 2 will not be released in 2017.

DEADPOOL’S TOP 5 RYAN REYNOLDS MOVIES

 

The Studio Exec managed to get a sit down with Deadpool to discuss life and love via the medium of an SEO friendly top five list:

The Proposal

I adore Sandra Bullock. That movie when she fools that coma patient into believing she’s his fiancée, man, I didn’t didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or jerk off. What I like about The Proposal is that you get three MILFS for the price of one and even if you haven’t managed to finish yourself off during a Bullock scene, you can crack your knuckles safe in the knowledge that Mary Steenburgen or Betty White will be along at any moment. Also, the movie is a multi-layered commentary on gender politics in the modern workplace, and who wouldn’t get turned on by that?

The Green Lantern

I reckon I could take the Green Lantern. Sure, he’s got a magic ring but I figure I’d just cut off his hands and make him a bullet sandwich. I thought it was pretty brave of the director to hire Stevie Wonder to do the CGI and even though the special-effects were dubious, I think all the flack Stevie got in the press was unwarranted. I mean, this is the guy who wrote Superstition, cut the man some slack, he was trying something new.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I’m saving the full story of what went down for my autobiography but basically, I wanted Anthony Hopkins to play me but he wanted too much money so we ended up with this Canadian guy who nobody has heard of. An interesting fact for you, in the original script his mouth wasn’t supposed to be sewn up I did that myself for shits and giggles.

R.I.P.D

For me, this is Stanley Kubrick’s best movie and the fact that he managed to direct it fourteen years after his death is all the more impressive.

Deadpool

As Sean Connery said in Moonraker, it’s a lot easier to get a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes with a kind word and a sword than it is with just a kind word.

Deadpool is released on February 12th.