JIM JARMUSCH TO DIRECT FAST AND FURIOUS 9

NEW YORK – Jim Jarmusch to direct Fast and Furious 9.

Fast and Furious 9 has found its director. The cult New York cineaste of Ghost Dog, Dead Man, Down by Law and  Only Loves Left Alive is well known for his laconic sense of humour and slow meditative paced masterpieces like Down By Law and Mystery Train, the shock haired auteur is at first glance a strange fit for the brain dead adrenaline grease monkey high opera of the Fast and Furious franchise. However, Jarmusch told the Studio Exec that he had been talking about directing a Fast and Furious film for years:

I’ve always wanted to… you know … do a film like … a fast you know and … furious kinda … I don’t know if it was Kierkegaard or Lou Reed who said that a nightmare is just a private fantasy but life can be confusing at times and well… What was the question?

What changes do you envisage making to the franchise?

None, absolutely none. I mean, I don’t see the point in doing a bunch of car chases. I mean that part will go. But these characters, they probably are going to spend a lot of time sitting around waiting and being laconically droll, so we should do that. And all the stuff about criminals and double crossing, that’s going to go too.

Oh!

And the title. I mean Fast and Furious? I think Slow and Droll will be better. Then we don’t need the nine anymore.

Right but people like the action. I mean isn’t that the point.

Yeah, that’s a point. I suppose. But you know, what about something new. I mean why not a film all about people drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. When are we going to see that? Huh?

2003.

What?

Coffee and Cigarettes was made in 2003. People just sit round, drink coffee and smoke cigarettes.

That sounds brilliant. I’ve got to see that.

You made it.

Very possibly. The early noughts are a bit hazy.

Fast and Furious 9 is due to begin filming sometime you know… whenever.

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’.

When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.

The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS



HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’. When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.


The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’