MOVIE RUN TIMES WILL BE REGULATED

HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of the announcement for the run time of the upcoming The Batman at just short of 3 hours, federal lawmakers have stepped in to put a stop to this ass-numbing madness. Movie run times will be regulated by a centralized federal task force as of September 2023 called the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T.

Holy Numb Butt Batman!

The announcement of the Federal Arbitrator for Run Times or F.A.R.T will have editorial powers over all movies released in the United States of America. They will be tasked with ensuring no movie exceeds the allocated permitted run time for that genre of film.

Movie Run Times Will Be Cut Short

The whole system will classify each movie into a specific genre or classification. These will include: Comic Book Adaptation, Non-Comic Book, Children’s Animation, Fancy Foreign Animation and Smart-Ass Independent will be just a few of the classifications. Each classification will be granted a maximum run time. Therefore, if a film is classified as Comic Book Adaptation, for example, they will not be allowed to run over 90 minutes long. This would include credits and post credits scenes.

F.A.R.T Tightens Things Up

The F.A.R.T chairperson, Jessica Felch stated, ‘We at F.A.R.T are proud to be doing America a big solid. We’ll ensure the butts of this great nation will no longer be numbed in the name of entertainment and studio greed. F.A.R.T will make sure all films are correctly classified and assigned an audience appropriate run time.’

Holy Boredom Batman!

‘These Marvel and DC fat cats will never afflict us with 4 hours of slow motion rain ever again. They can’t force us into watching Eternals stare at each other on beaches for hours on end. This madness must and will stop.’

Metropol-

‘We will cut classic films also. Fritz Lang’s Metropolis will end with all those extras drowning in the streets, just as Fritz wanted it. The Longest Day will be retitled to The Day. And Zack Snyder’s Justice League, well that will still be a turd nobody could ever polish clean.’

The Federal Arbitrator for Run Times Comes Into Power Next September

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN

REVIEW – WONDER WOMAN – Diana Prince and Captain Kirk win the First World War.

I have to admit that over the years I’ve become heartily tired of Superhero Movies. And that hasn’t all been Zack Snyder’s fault. The DC Universe has stumbled out of the gate and Sony are all over the shop, but even the slick Marvel machine has ground me down with its monotonous mash ups. So 2017 surprised me well and truly. First there was the Unforgiven of X-Men movies: Logan from that weary franchise. And now Wonder Woman arrives with an thrilling lead performance by Gal Gadot, a thumping score and some slick storytelling by Patty Jenkins.

We start on the secret island home of the Amazonians where Joaquin’s sister from Gladiator rules and Claire Underwood trains the troops. Diane is a little girl, like many in the audience, aspiring to take part. Grown into a young warrior, her life gets a bit of trauma and a call to action when Captain Kirk arrives crashing into the sea in a stolen German bi-plane. After checking out his undercarriage, Diane gets the urge to join the war to end all wars and fulfil her role, killing the god of war whose machinations she sees behind the carnage.

She Crocodile Dundees it to London, but here her confusion and fish out of water-ness has a poignant political point. Diane’s innocence exposes the ludicrous and craven reality of Europe at the beginning of last century. It’s a point that bears repeating and which utterly justifies the period setting. The action sequences are genuinely stirring. But – like Logan – the true superpower is giving a shit about the characters on screen. Something Jenkins and her cast achieve brilliantly.

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