CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Dunkirk director Christopher Nolan discusses the future of cinema.

Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar 2 will be released in November.

SUICIDE SQUAD 2 SCRIPT LEAKS ONLINE

HOLLYWOOD – The script for the sequel to David Ayers’ Suicide Squad – Suicide Squad 2 – has leaked online.

Read this EXCLUSIVE extract from the much anticipated comic book move Suicide Squad 2.

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

Amanda WALLER briefs the MINISTER from a thick file as they sit in a restaurant.

WALLER

The first one is Harley Quinn. She’s the one they call Harlequin. Also known as Harl E. Quin.

MINISTER

Looks crazy.

WALLER

She is crazy. They call her Harley Quinn.

MINISTER

You said that already.

WALLER

I’ll provide a graphic as well I think. 

Graphic introduces Harley Quin, zippy and youthful. With colors.

The Waiter approaches the table. 

WAITER

Are you ready to order?

WALLER

This is the Waiter. He is the one who brings food to your table.

He usually gets it right but sometimes if he’s carrying too much

he’ll accidentally put his thumb in your food. They call him Malcolm.

Graphic introduces Malcolm the waiter. 

INT. PRISON CELL. NIGHT.

Harley QUINN is taking a shower in warm cream wearing a ZANY smile. Prison guards surround the cage. It’s not entirely clear but some of them seem to be jerking off.

HARLEY QUINN

I’m a bad girl! Hee hee! Kind of like a feminist but with a push up bra and no pants!

PRISON GUARD

She’s gorgeous and somehow reminds me of my 13 year old daughter. Which is NOT weird. 

INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT.

WALLER

This is Deadshot. As a marksman He’s a deadshot. I guess that’s how he got his name.

EXT. FIRING RANGE. DAY.

Deadshot is given a massive array of firearms while an infographic at the bottom of the screen gives the phone number of the local branch of the NRA.

DEADSHOT

I have just a big erection right now.

DEADSHOT shoots all the the targets in the head, in the face, in the genitalia. He fires off all the fingers of the hand of a target, clips of ears and draws smiles on the faces with bullet holes.  

DEADSHOT

What’s the mission?

WALLER

There’s been another mass shooting in a school. We need you to find the mass shooter and shoot them.

DEADSHOT

How postmodern!

FINIS

 

MERRICK GARLAND JOINS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama’s Supreme Court Justice nominee Merrick Garland has joined Zack Snyder’s Justice League movie.

Following Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder’s new film The Justice League has been joined by Supreme Court Justice nominee, Merrick Garland.

Snyder phoned the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to speak about the project:

It was the perfect storm of opportunity. Merrick Garland was nominated for the Supreme Court and it looks like that nomination will be blocked. I phoned and I said, ‘Listen, I can nominate you to another kind of Supreme Court.’ And he said ‘Well, all right. What do I need?’ I asked if he had a cape. He said he had robes and I said we start filming last Wednesday.

Garland will be joined by Ben Affleck, Henry Clavill and Willem Dafoe. President Barack Obama has already congratulated Garland and has also expressed his hope that the nomination will still go through. However, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have both said that they will block the casting if they become president.

The Justice League will be released in 2017.

MALE SUPERGIRL MOOTED

HOLLYWOOD – Following the successful debut of the CBS superhero show Supergirl, talks have begun of a potential all male remake.

No sooner has Supergirl taken to the airwaves and the skies, than talks begin on a spin off male version of the show. Melissa Benoist stars as Kara Zor-El, also known as Kara Danvers also known as Supergirl, but show creator Ali Adler has spoken in the past about a possible spin off version of the show featuring a male man boy as the lead character.

A source close to the show spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

We were talking the other day about other versions of the same formula that we could exploit and someone came up with the crazy idea of a male Supergirl and we all began to wonder what that would look like and how that would work. What would ‘he’ wear for instance?

You mean a Superboy?

Maybe, though one thing that came up was that Spider-man is already covering very similar ground. The high school and living with his aunt, having schoolyard crushes etc. So maybe he’d have to be a little bit older for it to work.

Sounds radical.

And the backlash from fans would be one of the reasons we might not do it. I mean you know how intense these internet trolls can be. However, I’d like to see a little more diversity in the world of superheroes so I think it would be good to have a man entering the Super universe, if you know what I mean.

From the planet Krypton?

Exactly. He could have grown up as an orphan looked after by a pair of surrogate parents and then he begins to learn his own nature and saving the world and stuff. I think it would be neat to see that. The title would be…

Superguy will debut on CBS in the Fall of 2016.

5 SUPERHERO FILMS THAT NEED TO BE REMADE

MARVEL-WOOD – If there’s one thing we don’t have enough of it’s 1. original ideas and 2. superhero movies.

So combining the two, Studio Exec has come up with a bunch of pre-existing properties that, although successful, have not fulfilled their superhero franchise potential and are therefore ripe for exploitation  re-imagining.

The Elephant Man: By day John Merrick is a lowly circus freak, haunting the bowels of Victorian London, but by night he is crime fighter Elephant Man, shocking and paralyzing evil doers everywhere with his incredible ugliness, hitting them with his cane and bellowing his catchphrase – ‘I am not an animal.’

2. Rain Man: Dustin Hoffman returns as the card counting, matchstick auditing Rain Man who, after being hit by lightning, is gifted with the ability to control the weather. Drizzle attack! Down pour! Manchester, England!   

3. Bi-centennial Man: Once every two hundred years, crime has a new enemy!

4.  Pretty Woman: By day she’s a beautiful woman living with a mild mannered millionaire, but by night … she’s a prostitute!

5.  12 Angry Men: 12 Men all (save one) armed with indifference, prejudice or just a need to get home and watch the ball game, but together they will (eventually after a really long discussion) right wrong and bring justice to an unjust world. 

All films will be released in 2018. And most will star Benedict Cumberbatch.

CHRIS PINE TO STAR IN ALL MALE WONDER WOMAN

HOLLYWOOD – He’s been Captain Kirk and, allegedly, Jack Ryanbut now Chris Pine faces the biggest challenge of his career: playing Wonder Woman in a new, all-male film version of the celebrated DC comic.

Chris Pine has been cast as Diana Prince in a new, all-male version of “Wonder Woman,” which will go head-to-head with Gal Gadot’s take on the character appearing in “Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Justice.”

We had an opportunity to talk to Chris Pine when he dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow, and he seemed really excited to have work:

I’ve been a huge fan of the comic book and of course the TV series starring Lynda Carter. We are looking to take this in a totally new direction and I’m pleased that we have a director of the stature of Pedro Almodovar, who has come in with the script as well.

Isn’t this a large risk for DC to take with such an iconic character?

Yes and no. I think there is a risk—it is useless to deny it—but if films aren’t about taking risks now and again then what are we even doing here? But I think also that the culture is ready to see the end of gender and a new fluidity to these characters. We have an all-female “Ghostbusters.” Thor will be a girl next time around. Caitlyn Jenner is, well, Caitlyn Jenner. So my Wonder Woman will very much play into that.

What about late reports suggesting that you are actually not playing Wonder Woman, but playing rather Steve Trevor in the Gal Gadot film?

Well, that’s obviously some piss-poor film parody site trying to get clicks by publishing the most outrageous nonsense it can think of. Come on, look at me. I can’t play a guy called Steve with my new breasts.

Wonder Woman starring Chris Pine will begin shooting in October.

JACK NICHOLSON TO RETURN AS THE JOKER

GOTHAM – Jack Nicholson is set to reprise his iconic performance as the Joker in the new DC Comics film Suicide Squad.

News broke over Gotham late last night, putting paid to the notion that Jay Leno and Jared Leto had both been approached about the role, simply because they had the same initials.

David Ayers, the director of the super villains team movie said that he was  delighted to have Jack Nicholson on board:

Nicholson is, was and will be a great Joker. This is going to make things really interesting, because he will bring with him the memories of the Tim Burton Batman films, but at the same time, now he’s a little longer in the tooth, there’s also the sense that this is a maturer Joker, a Joker who has perhaps learned a few lessons, a Joker who… Who am I kidding? This is Jack Nicholson, right? He’s going to be crazy!

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec, Jack Nicholson explained his thinking behind his decision:

At first I didn’t want to play the same part. I thought Heath Ledger did a splendid job, truly splendid. But then when David came and showed me the script, I thought this is truly wonderful. But still I can’t do it, I’m too old for this. Then I called Jennifer Lawrence and she said she loved comic book movies and next day I was in costume.

Suicide Squad will be released in 2016.

WONDER WOMAN TO BE FEMALE

HOLLYWOOD – The internet exploded today with righteous anger and solemn fury, following the revelation that the new Wonder Woman would be female.

A DC Comics spokesperson told Studio Exec anonymously:

I don’t think that there should really be any controversy about this. In the comic books Wonder Woman is … well … a woman. And in previous incarnations she’s been a woman and in the new film she’ll be a woman. Even in the name Wonder Woman, one of the words is actually if you read it carefully ‘woman’.

However, such sophistry did not placate an internet already tumescent with bilious peek after the recent bombshell that Thor would be a woman in a forthcoming adventure. 

@Geeknutbag27 wrote:

Wonder Woman a woman?! PC BS. Next they’ll say Superman vs Batman gonna be totes gay! #LifeDestroyed

@JonahHill wrote:

I’m sorry for even thinking that Wonder Woman was not a good idea, even if I thought it for a millisecond it was deeply wrong. #Sorry

@Marvel wrote:

Wonder Woman? Erm. Okay.

Wonder Woman will be released in 2015. 

 

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: THE FUTURE OF CINEMA

HOLLYWOOD – Hi everyone. Urm, yeah, Christopher Nolan here; director of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Inception and … oh, Memento. Yeah. That’s right. Have I got your attention? Yeah, um, I thought so.

Reports of the death of cinema, to paraphrase Mark Twain, have been greatly exaggerated. Mobile phones, illegal downloads, people eating nachos with dips, 3D glasses and Michael Bay have all certainly had their deleterious effect but with the right innovations cinema is going to be alive and well and better than ever far into the future. How do you ask? Well, I made The Prestige, and here are three magic suggestions. 

1. More comic books movies. I visited my local multiplex the other day and was shocked to see that two of the seventeen screens were occupied by films not based on comic book characters. One was showing Chef and the other was showing some tripe about a boy growing up with awful CGI ageing, no doubt. Comic book movies are great because you don’t really need a script, or acting, or anything and then Hans Zimmer lends you his epic thumping score and away you go. Make it a little bit somber, darken the palette, put in Mikey Caine and the critics will lap it up. So more of these. I’ll exec them for a premium fee.

2. Free gimmicks with your ticket. You buy a cinema ticket today and what do you get? Just a bit of card with the name of the film and which screen it’s on, maybe a seat number. Rubbish. You should get a gimmick like a Frisbee, or a rattle, something to occupy the hands during slow parts of the film. Imagine watching Le Weekend – a bit dull I know – and then a game of Ultimate Frisbee breaks out! Amazing.

3. Balloon net. This is the topper and I don’t think this has been done before. Rig a large net over every auditorium and when the film comes to its climax, release thousands of balloons from the net, along with party streamers and confetti bombs! Can you imagine watching Mamma Mia for instance or 12 Years a Slave and as the final shot comes on streamers and balloons float from the ceiling? It would be AMAZING!

Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar will be released in November.

COMIC BOOK MOVIE NEWS SUPERHERO

HOLLYWOOD – The internet went literally/metaphorically crazy today as Marvel/DC Comics announce that Ben Affleck/Elizabeth Olsen/Christian Bale/Bryan Cranston/Hugh Jackman will/will not play Lex Luthor/Batman/Batman/the Scarlet Witch/the Hulk in Man of Steel 2/Batman Vs Superman/The Avengers 2/ untitled Hulk stand alone movie/Thor Dark World/X-Men.

Batman/Gotham/Iron Man 4 has long been awaited as a new Pepper Pots/Hulk/Captain America: Winter Soldier/Guardians of the Galazy/Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. TV Series is already being moved forward to complete the Marvel/DC Comics Universe. Spiderman/The Amazing Spiderman/The Amazing Spiderman 2 is already completed and Andrew Garfield/Hugh Jackman is already in talks to renew his contract to make another seventeen films of the same multicoloured yawp! Kevin Feige told the Studio Exec exclusively:

Spiderman X-Menned but when you Batman Batman then Affleck X-Men Avengers Iron Man Avengers 2. It’s going to be darker and deal with serious issues such as is it the man or the suit, Iron Man, and asks how does our love of superheroes square with our supposed liberal democracy when it has its roots in an immature and potentially fascist form of wish-fulfillment, Captain America

The Studio Exec will be dedicated to giving you all the vital superhero/comic book movie news until we stop making this infantile crap and get back to the serious cinema of Howard the Duck.  

MAN OF STEEL: REVIEW

The director of Sucker Punch and Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole.

The writer of Jumper and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.


The executive producer of Who’s That Girl and The Bonfire of the Vanities.


The composer of Kung Fu Panda 2 and Thunderbirds.


The editor of What Dreams May Come and Wanted.


The cinematographer of Freejack and Coyote Ugly.


The visual effects wizards behind The Lovely Bones and King Kong.


And a virtually unknown English actor playing America’s most iconic superhero…


What could possibly go wrong???

Nothing, as it turns out.


It’s great. Go see it.

MAN OF STEEL LAWSUIT ISSUED

HOLLYWOOD – A lawsuit has been issued against ‘director’ Zack Snyder and producer Christopher Nolan to immediately cease and desist promotion of the movie/film/cinematic product Man of Steel, a trailer for which has recently been released and which is due to hit screens on June the 14th, 2013.

The lawsuit was issued for copyright breach and plagiarism and was issued in the name of DC Comics by Mr. Arron Sucklenet.

‘I’ve been keeping my eye on this Man of Steel malarkey, the posters and all,’ said Sucklenet. ‘With everything I saw, my suspicions grew, but once I saw the trailer, the second one that is not the one Terrence Malick directed, the second one, I knew I had to act. Man of Steel is just a cheap rip off of Superman. There’s the badge, the costume – stuff with the school bus? fuck that, I don’t know what that’s about – but then there’s even the Fortress of Solitude.’

Mr Sucklenet has previously sued Christopher Nolan on behalf of the Bob Kane estate when he claimed The Dark Knight was actually a Batman film! The case was settled out of court and many were expecting Sucklenet to reappear when The Dark Knight Rises was released, but he said: ‘That was obviously not Batman. I mean, seriously.’


With Man of Steel, Sucklenet claims to have an unanswerable case: ‘They’ve tried to throw stuff in to cover their tracks. Noah turns up for instance which is not in the original comic book, but I think even a child could see Man of Steel is Superman.’


Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan were both washing their hair and thus unable to comment.