HENRY CAVILL: ‘I HATE ACTING BUT EAT MONEY’

HOLLYWOOD – The star of the forthcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Henry Cavill has revealed his motivation: money.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Henry Cavill – Superman in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – revealed his motivation and thoughts on acting:

I hate acting. It’s basically lying. Like when I’m Superman, I’m not really Superman. It’s all a big fib. On the other hand money’s fantastic and that’s something which I deem — and this is frowned upon — very important. Spending money on my friends, buying dinner for everyone, drinks for everyone, it’s a nice place to be, and I like people to feel cared for. People will be calling me a c**k as they’re reading this, but travel’s great as long as you’re going first class. I mean, traveling to New Zealand in economy, it sucks. Especially if you’re over six feet. But first class? I’m not going to ever pretend to be coy about that. I love it.

But what about art, Henry?

Art? I work for Zach Snyder. What the f*ck do I care about art for? So back to money. You can by cars, hamsters, Belgian chocolates, gilt edged photograph frames, lockets, wine gums, small dogs, toy soldiers, books, necklaces and asparagus.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.

BEN AFFLECK FOR BATMAN ‘NOT THAT BIG A DEAL’ WORLD DECIDES

HOLLYWOOD – Following the events of the last few weeks, the World has decided that the casting of Ben Affleck in the role of Batman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is ‘just not that big a deal’.

When the new Batman Ben Affleck was announced the internets exploded in derision and anger, a species of fury usually reserved for traitors and dentists who hunt kittens for sport. However, with the recent tragic events in Paris, the renewed bombing in Syria, the tensions between Russia and Turkey, and the shootings in San Bernardino, Calif., the mood has changed on the new incumbent of the DC Comics Hero. The World issued a statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Penthouse:

We were upset about Ben Affleck become Batman. I mean Jesus Christ, he was insufferable in Argo and Jersey Girl… I mean come on. People also can see how he fared in a Superhero movie by looking at Daredevil and comparing it to the new TV show. It’s just in another league and then to here that he’s going to be part of a movie which looks like setting up the Justice League and going head to head with Superman. I mean… urgh. However, given that El Nino looks bad this year and we’ve just had the warmest year on record again, renewed violence in the Middle East, political censorship and oppression reigning unchecked, human rights being ignored, terrorist death cults on the one hand and mass shootings on the other, or both… Affleck was good in Gone Girl I suppose. So maybe it won’t be so bad. And anyway, it’s just a f*cking movie.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released next year when even more f*cked up shit will be continuing.

ALL FEMALE WONDER WOMAN CAUSES FURY

HOLLYWOOD – The release of further pictures from the upcoming Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice confirmed that Wonder Woman will be played by a female actor: Gal Godot.

In photos released by Entertainment Weekly, the gender of the lead characters can be clearly seen, with Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) as a hippy, Superman (Henry Cavill) as a Christ like figure, Batman (Ben Affleck) looking like fatman, and Wonder Woman WEARING A DRESS.

The news came as a stunning revelation, following in the wake of the atrocities of GamerGate, the Vietnam of Reddit Revolt and some other third thing.

Top internet manist Herbert Frank had this to say:

First we have the all female Ghostbusters – which is just like raping my childhood – yes ‘raping’ it – and then we have the news that even Thor might be played by a ‘girl’. Then BANG! in the new Dawn of Justice picture Wonder Woman is actually being played by a woman, and to make matters worse a woman whose first name is Gal. As if she was just rubbing it into my man tears.

Zack Snyder responded to the controversy with unwarranted insouciance:

What? Is this a joke? I mean, it’s in the name. Wonder. Woman.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.

ZACH SNYDER POSTS NEW BATMOBILE PIC

GOTHAM – Zach Snyder has leaked an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek of the new Batmobile which will feature in the upcoming film: Batman Vs Superman: The Dawn of Justice.

Zach accompanied the picture with a short message to all his fans:

So here it is. Sometimes it’s so difficult to keep a secret when you know what you’ve got is awesome. Admittedly, we haven’t got the budget we wanted, but still, just imagine Ben Affleck suited up and driving this bad boy around the mean streets of Gotham.

Reaction to the picture was immediate with Variety calling it ‘a radical re-imagining’ and Hollywood Reporter immediately linking the apparent lo-fi design to the current political climate: ‘It looks cheap.’ Many fans were angered at the idea that the car was obviously not American made. ‘Herr Batman might drive this,’ said one enraged fan. ‘But not Mr. Bruce Wayne.’

However, Uber-geek Kevin Smith described how he fainted on seeing the picture and needed some seconds before he was able to give a considered response:

Awe. Some. I mean. God Damn it! This looks like combining not only Batman and Superman, two of my favorite pop cultural phenomena, but also Herbie from The Love Bug. I’ve just come so much I’ve lost about seven pounds.

Batman vs Superman: The Dawn of Justice will be released in March, 2016.