California – The church of Scientology has today declared that John Travolta’s membership of the religion has been revoked.

“He’s got nothing to do with us”, said chief Scientologist David Miscavige:

I’ve informed all members that they should break contact with Mr Travolta and if they bump into him, they should just look the other way and pretend he’s not there.

A prominent member of the Church who wished to remain nameless said Travolta has had this coming for a while:

He’s just a strange guy and having him around is bad for PR. I mean let’s be honest, Scientology is creepy enough and the last thing it needs is some face-touching weirdo on the books. We’ve talked about making him ‘disappear’ numerous times but he’s too much of a public figure. We can get away with that kind of thing if the person isn’t well known but people would notice he was missing.

Travolta’s reputation has sunk to such depths that even the billion year old soul of the alien spirit currently inhabiting his body has had enough:

F*ck this for a game of soldiers. I’m off to posses Kurt Russell.


CALIFORNIA – Tom Cruise is no longer a scientologist. 

In a shock move Tom Cruise has today renounced Scientology. He called upon the religion’s leader David Miscavige to return his immortal soul. “He has it in a safe in a Swiss bank and I want it back!” said an accusatory Cruise. Tom claims his soul was extracted from his body in the late 80s during the churches infamous auditing process.

It was the wrap party on Born on The Fourth of July and Oliver Stone slipped me a pill. He told me it would change my life. Next thing I know I’m strapped to a chair and there’re these naked people wearing face masks and goat leggings dancing around me. I could tell one of them was John Travolta because he was doing all the Saturday Night Fever moves. Then some Indian guy puts his hand over my heart and starts chanting ‘Hum Num Shavai’, you know like in Temple of Doom? That’s the last thing I remember until the other night when a hard copy of Dianetics fell from the top shelf of my library and knocked me unconscious. When I finally came around, my memory returned so I checked on the internet to see what I’d been doing for the last 25 years.


Cruise went on to say that he was crushed by his web search:
Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me I’d gone bat shit crazy? I’ve been jumping on sofas and making mad statements. I mean sure the first Mission Impossible was great but FOUR sequels? I could have played Hamlet god damn it! As for Knight and Day and Oblivion. Back before those freaks took my soul I’d have pissed on those scripts and lit a match. Hopefully it’s not too late to repair the damage I’ve done to my career.
Asked what his upcoming plans were Cruise said he had a full slate.
Well there’s Top Gun 2, Cocktail 2, the Color of Money 2, Rain Man 2, Taps 2, Risky Business 2, All the Right Moves 2, The Outsiders 2 and Born on the 5thof July.  But first I’m off around to Oliver Stone’s house to punch him in face and call him a c*cksucker. 

Tom Cruise will be in 2025.