TWIN PEAKS NEW GENERATION ‘WILL APPEAL TO YOUTH’

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Frost and David Lynch’s cult TV show Twin Peaks is to return to television courtesy of Showtime and a re-imagining which will continue the story through the new younger generation.

David Lynch and co-creator Frost had already taken to Twitter to hint at a renewal of the show which ran for thirty episodes and a spin off movie, Fire Walk With Me, but the Dune director wanted to speak at length and EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve been really into my Transcendental Meditation for ages now. And it has been satisfying, you sit there and become one with the universe more or less, but the downside of it is a. cramps and b. it gets really, really boring. So when Mark called me up and said he had some ideas for a new Twin Peaks I said, ‘let’s do this’.

What will the new show be like?

It’ll be the young kids. I don’t see how anyone can even remember who Kyle MacLachlan is anymore, so I want to go with Dale Cooper’s son, Rodney Cooper, played by Zac Efron. Rodney is called to the town when his dad goes missing and it turns out that the Son of Bob (Freddie Highmore), a mysterious serial killer might be responsible. Of course, the girl with the twig (Selena Gomez) roams the town weirdly as does Donna Hayward’s daughter Marcy (Ariana Grande). There’s going to be a lot more music in this version. I’ve been watching a lot of Glee and I think that will add something to the show, though Mark is a bit resistant.

Will this change of direction effect other aspects of the show?

Yes. Instead of Damn Fine Coffee, Rodney Cooper will say things like hashtag DFC.

Twin Peaks: The New Generation will be broadcast early in the Spring, 2015.  

DAVID LYNCH OPENS A DRIVING SCHOOL

HOLLYWOOD – Times have been hard for David Lynch, director of The Elephant Man, Dune and Blue Velvet.

He lost all his money in the great Transcendental Meditation scam of 2006 and was even reduced to directing a concert movie for eighties revival band Duran Duran, but luckily hope is on the way and the Lynchster (as he prefers to be known) is bouncing back in his own inimtable Eraserhead-ish way by opening a Driving School in Scotland.

The Mulholland Drive Driving School opened for business earlier this week in the city of Glasgow in Scotland, which is north of Great Britain in England. 

When we spoke to Mr. Lynch, he seemed cheerfully keen on his new venture:

I got the idea from watching Breaking Bad. He gets a car wash. And I get a driving school. Of course, I don’t have a meth lab yet, but that’s only a matter of time. 

Customers seemed to be bemused by their unconventional instructor. Tam Holloway (19) said: 

We were practicing my emergency stop and all I can say is I’ve never been so unnerved and unsettled while at the same time effective. 

Sally McParland (21) said:

He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride and I said ‘That’s why I was here’. And he said, ‘why are you here?’ And I said to go for a ride and he said ‘A ride! What a great idea! Let’s hit the effing road!’

Nancy Barstow (41) said: 

He’s very patient. I’m an adult learner and so I get nervous but he’s very relaxed and then somehow when we were doing parallel parking he dipped into my inner most nightmares. Which was nice.

David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive Driving School is open for business Mondays to Saturdays.

ALL NICOLAS CAGE FILMS ARE FAKE NICOLAS CAGE FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the discovery that two ‘fake’ Nicolas Cage films had been sold at Cannes earlier this year, it has been revealed that in fact all Nicolas Cage films are fake Nicolas Cage films. 

Swiss film historian and cheese expert Xavier Poulis explained:

There was a real Nic Cage. Nephew to Francis Ford Coppola, a talented guy. He can be spotted briefly in Rumble Fish. But soon after filming wrapped on that film, when he was out alone in the boonies walking his small basset hound, he was abducted by aliens. Ever since that time, the ‘Nic Cage’ we know, the one we’ve seen has actually been an alien impostor.

Poulis argues that the fact is common knowledge in the film community.

You can see it from the eccentricity of his performances. This is obviously a being which grew from a pod in some probably methane rich other world. And he’s trying desperately to learn what it means to be human and how to behave. At first, his alien superiors were all for pulling him out and retreating, but baffling though it was, Cage actually became popular. And even though directors know that he has four sex organs where most men have one, they hire him to give a special frisson to their films. David Lynch is the only director who believes Nic Cage to be human. So there you go. 

Nicolas Cage will be returning to his home planet in 2015.

LOST MOVIE IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news everyone has been waiting for: cult TV show Lost is coming to the big screen in the David Lynch helmed Lost: the Motion Picture.

Scriptwriter Damon Lindelof told the Studio Exec the script was ready and the principal actors ‘had nothing better to do’. He went on:

This will be my opportunity to set things right. I know a lot of people had issues with the show finale and I got a lot of shit for it. I get it. I get the anger. But – having watched Breaking Bad and left Twitter – I think I’m more than capable of pulling this one out of the fire in a way that will surprise and impress many people.

Director David Lynch declared himself enthused with the prospect of bringing his own surreal vision to the material:

When I did Twin Peaks a lot of people went ‘Woah, what is this? A lady with a log?’ And so later when Lost came out, I was like ‘Oh right so this is better? F*cking polar bears?’ But now I met Damon and we can bury the hatchet. I must say I’m impressed with the way Damon has written the script. He employs Eastern meditation techniques, emptying his mind completely and then writing.

Although naturally not wanting to give away any of the ‘plot’, Mr. Lindelof did hint at the direction the film would take:

We’ve scrapped the finale completely. That was a dream that Jack wakes up from after he accidentally inhaled some of his the new batch he was cooking. He needs to rescue Kate and Hurley and the others from some neo-Nazis. So he gets this machine gun and – this is the clever bit – he has it on a robotic thing so it will move from side to side. Anyway that’s all I can say. And he’ll have a shaved head and a goatee.

Lost will be released in 2015. 

KEVIN COSTNER’S WORLD OF FENCES

HOLLYWOOD – Hey everybody, my name’s Kevin Costner, star of such films as Waterworld, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and Open Range.

But what you might not know about me is that I’m also a certified fence expert and have been collecting fences since 1981 and I’m proud to have this opportunity to introduce the uninitiated to the wonderful and surprisingly exciting world of fences. 



Here you can see the first fence I acquired. I got it from Provence which is situated in France. It’s a ramshackle and rustic little fella and probably none too efficient at keeping your livestock separate, but I think you’ll agree, he’s mighty charming.  

This example now is what you might – if you’re looking for a

handle – call a maximum security fence. It ain’t pretty I’ll grant you that, but it will do the job when it comes to keep felons in or intruders out. Note the razor wire, a common feature.

Finally, this is one of my favorite fences. Gifted to me by the film director and top flight fence expert David Lynch. David used this fence in the opening scenes of his wonderful romantic comedy Blue Velvet, a film I’m ashamed to say I’ve yet to see. It’s always on so darned late. David has a collection of sixty three fences, a collection rivaled only by his dear friend Billy Crystal. 

DAVID LYNCH TO DIRECT SHIA

HOLLYWOOD – Until recently it was Ron Howard’s dream project but a falling out with the studio about budgeting and disagreements on set with lead actor Daniel Day Lewis has led to Ron Howard being replaced by David Lynch as the director of Shia, the biopic based on the life of Shia LaBeouf.

With his interests in transcendental meditation and his new career as a recording artist, many inside Hollywood had given Lynch up as having gone into early retirement. His last film Inland Empire came out in 2006 and divided both critics and audiences. Since then the weirdness himself has been concentrating on promoting his meditation centre and making his hair approximate a question mark. So why the change of heart? Studio Exec asked when we caught up with David at the Chick-Fil-A at Venice Beach.

 

In Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac

‘For Shia,’ Lynch says, tucking into his homophobic bucket. ‘Shia LaBeouf isn’t just a man. Nor is he simply an actor. He’s the universe. He’s talking forwards, talking backwards, the Elephant Man, the dancing dwarf, the lady with the log, Dennis Hopper and Isabella Rosselini. He’s those big willy-looking worms from Dune. He is America. He is the Universe.’

But isn’t he quite young…?

‘He is youth, he is wisdom,’ says Lynch. ‘Shia is an actor who has galvanized a generation, mesmerized a nation, unified the universe. Did you see him in Lawless?’

But what about Daniel Day Lewis?

‘He’ll do,’ smirks Lynch.

For more on the early stages of Shia click here.

Shia will be released in 2015.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER TO APPEAR IN DUNE REMAKE

LONDON – Michael Fassbender has been linked to the Dune reboot currently planned by Len Wiseman.

The announcement came as a surprise as most of the main roles have already been cast, with Jake Gyllenhaal as Paul Atreides, Ian McKellen playing his father, Jonah Hill as the evil Duke and Johnny Knoxville playing the role sting played with the underpants and the hair.

Fassbender was a bit coy when we spoke about it earlier this week.

‘Well to be honest it’s really a bit part,’ said the Guinness advertisement star. ‘I don’t actually have any lines and you won’t necessarily be seeing the whole of me on screen.’

Fassbender’s part


News will come as a special treat though for anyone who enjoyed him in Shame.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT NAOMI WATTS

HOLLYWOOD – How many myths? How many lies? How much mumbo jumbo has surrounded the most enigmatic of Norwegians, Naomi Watts?

Well no longer! Studio Exec – armed with the baloney busting Bazooka of brilliance – puts paid to piffle with FACT.

  1. Naomi Watts’ father Jeff Watts invented electricity. 
  2. In preparation for the filming of Tsunami drama The Impossible Watts and her co-star Fr. Ewan MacGregor learnt to speak fluent Spanish, had their hair dyed and even applied for Spanish citizenship so as to reproduce the experiences of the real life Belòn family with the appropriate verisimilitude. ‘It would be a disgusting insult to Maria Belòn and her family to just Anglicize the characters in order to make the film more commercially successful,’ said Ms. Watts. However, the studio dubbed the film into English and changed the family into an English family, at which point Ms. Watts forgot Spanish instantly.
  3. As well as being a versatile actress, Naomi Watts is also an expert linguist. Her mastery of accents is such that people rarely guess she is Norwegian. She adopts a light Australian accent during interviews which provoked criticism from the Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, who took to referring to Naomi Watts as Naomi Whats?, which is considered hilarious in Norway and was instrumental to his winning of the election.
  4. Her early film roles included a supporting role in Tank Girl and Norwegian soap opera Home and Away. Naomi Watts also appeared in King Kong, although at the last minute the roles were changed and Andy Serkis played the large eponymous monkey. 
  5. During the filming of David Lynch’s masterly Mulholland Drive, Ms. Watts prepared for her part by eating nothing but squirrel in the mistaken belief it would help her attune to Mr. Lynch’s precise brand of weirdness.  She used the same technique when starring in the American language version of Funny Games, during which she only ate Michael Haneke’s favourite type of Pot Noodle. 
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

JOE PESCI SIGNS ON FOR LITTLE BOOK OF CALM

Ang Lee’s next film The Little Book of Calm looks set to see the return of veteran character actor, Joe Pesci. Pesci has been working for years now with the David Lynch foundation on promoting the benefits of transcendental meditation and in the new film by the Taiwanese director will play a guru who comes to Los Angeles and promotes an understanding of the invisible beauty of life.
Mr. Shine Box – as he prefers to be known – told The Studio Exec:

I have worked in this business for years and a lot of people would come up to me and ask me for advice. They’d say “I’m stressed out Joe. I don’t know how to handle the stress.” And I’d say “What are you? a fucking eleven year old girl? You fucking whining in my fucking ear. I ought to stab you in the fucking ear. You come over here with this bullshit again and I’ll fucking bite your eye out, now get out of here you fucking mutt.” And you know what? They calmed the fuck down. Cured. Never saw them again.

Ang Lee welcomed Joe’s participation.

He’s a wonderful guy. He told me he loved my work especially Crouching Tiger and Brokeback Mountain. I said I loved him in the Home Alone films, and he suddenly went very serious and asked if I was amused by him. If I thought he was just a clown, sent to amuse me. Shark’s eyes have more life. 

As for the story Mr Lee revealed it would be very similar to the first Crocodile Dundee film.

XAVIER POULIS: DIRECTORS WEAR HATS

Many people think that directing is all about under standing the text of the script, having an individual visual style and motivating actors. All that’s bullshit. It’s about wearing the right hat. Proceed resident Swiss Cinema Expert and millinery muffin, Xavier Poulis:
Charlie Chaplin always directed films in his favourite hat which was loaned to Alfred Hitchcock, or Hitch – as he preferred to be known – while directing The Birds, to huge acclaim.  


 Marty Scorsese never wears hats these days and spends thousands of dollar a year on his wiry locks, but in the free and easy days of the seventies and under the influence of Roger Corman, Martin wore this little man from Delmonte number.

Steven Spielberg has no money and so often has to resort to advertising his own films on the top of his head and just above his petulant face. Look at how bitter he is. An angry disappointed man, what in Switzerland we would call a ‘man’. 

Howdy there! Mr David Lynch, no Eraserhead he! But rather a full on Stetson that the crazy squirrel sandwich eater sports with a happy go lucky grin as he prepares go ape shit at a ho-down. Yeee-Ha!

What a Maverick! When he’s not busy criticizing films he hasn’t actually seen, Spike Lee rocks in this erm… What the fuck is that? To forsake his usual baseball cap for this is bizarre get up is truly the act of a rebel but on the other hand, well, it is very, very funny. Go for it, Spike! Just for once, Do the Wrong Thing!

And finally Kathryn Bigelow shows that it isn’t only the boys who can have fun. One night in Baghdad and no head gear to hand, the Bourne-like Bigelow steals into a local carpet shop and Voilà! No Muslim need feel offended at her Western decadence! And let the torture commence!

SESAME STREET: THE MOTION PICTURE

NEW YORK – In what is widely being seen as a big up yours to former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the Children Television Workshop have announced a brand new motion picture based on the popular educational television series. Jack Black will appear due to a clause in his contract that obliges every studio to put him in films whenever he wants. ‘We don’t want him,’ said a studio exec. ‘But his agent has our balls in a vice over this.’

The announcement came as fresh revelations about Big Bird came in. He was caught on camera early last week playing golf despite the fact he has been claiming a disability pension for three years because of ‘chronic eyesight problems.’ Big Bird blithely dismissed the charges of fraud saying, ‘If you saw that drive on the 14th freeway you’d know for a fact I was medically blind.’
The film will be directed by David Lynch, who has abandoned the Shia project in order to ‘fulfil a childhood dream.’