5 FACTS WE KNOW ABOUT BLADE RUNNER 2049

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.

Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.

One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.

Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.

Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.

Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’

Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

JESUS, MOHAMMAD AND BUDDHA JOIN COLBERT FOR FIRST LATE SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Three major religious leaders Jesus Christ, Mohammad and Buddha are to join Stephen Colbert for his premier week of hosting The Late Show on CBS.

Stephen Colbert said he was delighted that his tenure replacing David Letterman as host of The Late Show would get off to such an auspicious start.

I myself am a Catholic and deeply religious so to be joined by Jesus Christ will be a highlight for me. But I’m also interested in hearing the points of view of Mohammad and Buddha, who we managed to book at the last minute because he had nothing on.

What questions are you looking to ask them?

Look, I’m essentially an entertainer. When I was ‘Colbert’, I had license to be very satirical, but as myself I think I can still be entertaining but also perhaps ask some more serious and respectful questions. Particularly with Mohammad. There’s going to be very little joshing there.

How do you feel about your friend Jon Stewart also leaving his post?

I know Jon very well and have done for years. So I know that he is someone who is always eager to find new challenges. I can see him coming up with something really special. A new film or something like that. Frankly, I don’t think his stint on Fox & Friends will last very long. I see that as a kind of mouthwash before he goes on to do something else he really wants to do.

What other guests do you want to have on your show?

The first week of interfaith amazingness is going to be hard to beat, buit what I’m really looking forward to is the moment when the show just becomes a routine thing with people coming on to plug things and shoot the breeze. That kind of familiarity. It really is an amazing privilege.

Since this article was written NBC reported that Jesus, Mohammad and Buddha have been bumped for George Clooney, Amy Schumer and Elon Musk.  

 

CANCEL COLBERT HACKTIVISTS CELEBRATE TRIUMPH

HOLLYWOOD – Hacktivists who started off the #CancelColbert campaign were today celebrating their victory in ousting ‘satirist’ and ‘self-confessed Nazi’ Stephen Colbert from his Comedy Central show The Colbert Report.

A source close to Hacktivist Suey Park said:  

We all feel very vindicated that Stephen Colbert has been hounded from his top rated and award winning show. This is only the beginning. His career is now effectively other, but we have been going through his past broadcasts and I have to say there is evidence that he has multiple times said something of a dubious character, under the cover of ‘humor’.

But surely his hosting of The Late Show is a kind of promotion?

No, we don’t see it that way at all. The Late Show will be a terrible thing, a kind of punishment for Colbert. Because it’s on late. He’ll have to stay up late to do it and no one will watch it because it’s late. It’s in the name, genius. 

You’ve never seen The Late Show, have you?  

I don’t own an Ideological Brain Oppressor.

You mean a television.

No.

And you don’t have a sense of humor?

Oh, you mean I don’t have the ability to parse irony from statement; that I don’t have the flippancy to laugh while 25 Billion people died in Africa somewhere this year? To giggle while wars continue in Vietnam and the Falkland Islands? No, I don’t. And I’m proud of it.

The Late Show will be cancelled sometime in 2015. 

DUCK DYNASTY STAR TO REPLACE LETTERMAN

NEW YORK – ZZ Top reject, Duck Dynasty patriarch and bigotry advocate Phil Robertson is set to replace David Letterman on the CBS Late Show.

A spokesperson for the network said: ‘We don’t know what you’re talking about. No that’s a terrible idea.’ Thus confirming the story.

Mr. Robertson himself said that he was ‘delighted’:

This is the first I’ve heard of it, but sure why the heck not? It’s about time that there New York had some old time religion and a man’s man telling them what for. And I’m quite the gabber too. So I’m really delighted.

 Did you expect to be in the running?

No. Not at all. To tell you the truth I thought after the old GQ interview I would be quietly phased out. No one watches the show any more except my cousins. Fortunately, being a loving family, they’re quite a brood, but not enough to push us into the upper percentiles. I was resigned to doing gun shows and Tea Party socials. So the opportunity to run The Late Show is beyond my wildest dreams. I’m so happy.  

The Late Show with Phil Robertson will broadcast some time in the next year.

DAVID LETTERMAN TO RETIRE IN ‘YEARS’

NEW YORK – The world of television was reeling after David Letterman announced that he’d be retiring from CBS in a few years.

President Obama expressed shock and sadness while Jimmy Kimmel wept on his television show, tearing his clothes and screaming ‘Why God? WHY?’

Reports of rioting in downtown New York were confirmed as the news spread via social media sites such as ‘Twitter’ and ‘MySpace’. John Travolta was so shocked he actual pronounced Chiwetel Eijofor’s name correctly when he telephoned him to confirm the news. Seth MacFarlane has announced that an episode of Cosmos will now be devoted to giving a scientific explanation of aging and religious leaders, including Pope Francis was quick to assert that this was not proof of the absence of a benevolent creator, though the Pope admitted it did ‘dent God’s image.’

More on this shocking story as we get it. Please feel free to pour out your grief in the comments box below.

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS

HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’.

When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.

The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’

JOHNNY DEPP RUSHED TO HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENTALLY WATCHING HIS OWN FILMS



HOLLYWOOD – It was a quiet evening at the Depp household as Johnny Depp – eccentric actor and nut sack – sat back to enjoy some Football he had recorded earlier. However, either he’d been confused with his programming or the machine had a glitch because instead of settling down to the Sunday Ticket Depp was treated to a film about ‘some doofus paedophile running a candy factory’. When he complained loudly about it being absolute bullshit an exasperated friend – Elmer Abelard – told him it was actually Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a film directed by his best friend Tim Burton and starring none other than Johnny Depp.


The news came as a terrible shock to Depp as the Dark Shadows actor famously made a point of never watching his films because – as he told David Letterman on the Late Show – it interferes with ‘the process and stuff’. He had always assumed they were fairly decent because they seemed popular enough but now he was struck with a terrible doubt.
Elmer Abelard continues:

We tried to stop him but he insisted. He pulled out all the DVDs that we had and began watching them back to back. Often fast forwarding to his own performance. He watched the Pirates of the Caribbean films, Alice in Wonderland, all the Tim Burton stuff he’s been doing. By the time he finished On Strange Tides he was just gibbering like a crazy person and was unresponsive, so we called the paramedics. 

At St. Clementine’s Hospital of the Sacred Sack Depp was treated for a severe case of shock. ‘He went into a catatonic shut down – which was pretty much identical to his performance in Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man. Ha ha ha!’ said Dr. Alvarez, glibly. ‘He’s just lying there at the moment. He whispered something to the nurse about being a children’s entertainer but that’s all we got out of him.’