HELENA BONHAM CARTER ALERT – Get ready for a factoid shower that will dissolve the amassed icing on the disintegrated wedding cake of not knowing.

  1. Helena Bonham Carter comes from a long family of humble carters, who would cart luggage and vegetables around on carts for tuppence. Helena herself learned carting but was saved from a life time of drudgery by the intervention of a fat prostitute called Mavis. Her mother still continues the family trade and will often cart about her daughter’s vegetables whenever Helena is in ‘town’.
  2. In A Room with a View – based on the novel by Federick Forsythe – Helena’s room did in actual fact have a view, but it was digitally enhanced by James Cameron.
  3. David Fincher originally cast Helena Bonham Carter as Tyler Durden, but changed his mind when he realised that ‘it was a really dumb idea’. The character of Marla was invented because Fincher was too embarrassed to tell Helena of the mistake.
  4. Helena Bonham Carter is married to Timothy Burton, the imaginative genius who gave us a load of remakes of crap television shows and Planet of the Apes. He insists she auditions for any role she wants, but if he turns her down she waits until he is asleep and then cuts off his toes with rose sheers. He only has two toes left on his right foot.
  5. Helena Bonham Carter’s dinner parties are famous throughout Hollywood and the British theatrical world, especially for their bizarre menus and sadistic Bunuel style games. She will often have her mother cart the vegetables to the house only to roundly criticize her before the assembled guests for her lack of social mores.
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HOLLYWOOD – Following Netflix‘s release of the second season of the Kevin Spacey political drama House of Cards last week, exhausted marathoners will be delighted/distressed to learn that come Saturday Season 3 will be available for instant download. 

Spacey revealed that the idea of doing Season 3 had not originally occurred to him. 

We were waiting to see how people would react to Season 2. What we didn’t anticipate was how they would download all the episodes and marathon watch them over the weekend. By Monday, we realised most people had watched the Season and were ready for more. 

So Season 3 wasn’t actually ready?

No, we started writing the script on Tuesday. Wednesday we began filming that script while the writing team worked in shifts on the rest of the season, we filmed what they had when they had it. There are going to be some plot holes, but the important thing is content. But we realised by this point our audience will be as sleep deprived as we are.

House of Cards Season 3 will be available on Netflix Saturday.  


HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the hugely successful dance movie Step up 4: Revolution, comes Step Up 5: Gulag to be directed by David Fincher and starring Jonah Hill, Kate Winslett and Mike Myers.

A plot summary was released to Studio Exec:

The revolution is complete and street dancing  has now been made compulsory throughout the United States of America. Anyone not at least body popping is thrown into the Gulags which have been built in Montana. Everyone is happy until evil hip hopper takes charge of the People’s Democratic Revolutionary Council and starts imposing his frankly mad laws regulate all dancing so that they outlaw robotics (good) and somersaults (aw no, I like somersaults). When a dance off is broken up by the new fashion police force, Frankie (Jonah Hill) finds himself thrown in Montana and mixing with a bunch of assholes who don’t know or refuse to dance, but soon he is joined by a crack team of somersaulters and robotic mimes led by Alexxxxia (Kate Winslett).

‘Smiles weakly to cover his unhappiness and confusion’

Together they plan to escape by putting on a show for the camp commandant (Mike Myers, very camp) Herr Shtizel (and yes they address that). Everything goes well until something doesn’t and they are all forced to dig their own graves and then get shot in the back of the neck. [SPOILER ALERT.]

 Step Up 5: Gulag will be released in 2015. 


HOLLYWOOD – Quentin Tarantino‘s legal battle with internet site Gawker has only just begun but already Aaron Sorkin has scripted a legal drama on the subject entitled The F*ck You Network.

Well known for his topical film-making, David Fincher is on board to direct and had this to say earlier today. 

Quentin Tarantino is an icon of a backward looking postmodernity and Gawker is all that is new and disturbing in our online culture. Coming head to head like this is going to make for a genuine clash of the titans. The minute I read Aaron’s script I knew I had to do it. He’s captured the dazzling verbal facility of the Reservoir Dogs director as well as the irreverent invective of Gawker. And he does the whole thing in walk and talks. No conference rooms.

Isn’t it too early for a film on the subject?

No. If anything, I’m worried we missed the boat. I know for a fact that Ron Howard and Peter Morgan are working on a rival project called Tarantino/Gawker.

Can you tell us something about the plot? 

Sure. Sorkers has gone back to his A Few Good Men days. Tarantino is the washed up wunderkind who sits at home smoking dope and writing screenplays in biro cos he thinks it’s cool. He’s writing this Hateful Eight screenplay and Gawker are the goofy trendy kids who kind of go too far.

Will Quentin Tarantino appear in the film as himself?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No.

 The F*ck You Network will be released in 2015. 


HOLLYWOOD – Patton Oswalt has been confirmed as the writer of the much talked about Twitter movie. David Fincher will direct and Simon Pegg and Ashton Kutcher are already confirmed as protagonists the Twit twins. 

The inveterate tweeterer wrote a letter in longhand (!) to express his pleasure:

I first heard about the Twitter movie when Ridley Scott was on board and Russell Crowe was attached and I thought, ‘That’s going to be rubbish. I mean seriously? A film about Twitter? Rubbish.’ But then Ridley Scott left the project to concentrate on Monopoly and Russell Crowe was replaced by Simon Pegg and Asthon Kutcher, and David Fincher came in and he contacted me and offered me a lot of money, I thought, ‘A movie about Twitter that’s a fantastic idea!’

The casting is already under way with Pegg and Kutcher joined by Jack Black who be playing the villainous whale who the little birds have to carry around whenever Twitter isn’t working. However, there will be a lot more casting news as Patton Oswalt has promised that Twitter: the Movie will include 140 characters, no less.

Twitter: the Movie will be released in 2015.  


NEW YORK – David Fincher and George R.R. Martin have announced that they are to collaborate with Netflix and HBO on a new political fantasy drama provisionally entitled Game of Cards.

The plot details are sketchy but the notion seems to be that following the wars the new President Stark (Sean Bean) and his political underlings are shifting for position in Westeros, D.C. An ambitious young dragon handling scribe (one of the Maras) teams up with the Hand of the President, Frank Underhill (Kevin Spacey) to connive and plot in a deliciously articulate way for incomprehensible ends.

David Fincher speaking about the project said:
We’re really excited. Fantasy has been dormant for years and many people said you can’t sell a political drama, now literally thousands of people are saying you can’t sell a political drama set in a fantasy world. Well I have two words for those assholes, Kevin Spacey. 

Mr. Spacey said he looked forward to the challenge:

Frank is a devious character who is able to get his own way manipulating people with his ability to use language and speak cleverly and wittily. I wanted to do it because it’s like nothing I’ve ever done before. It’s a real stretch. I’m exploring new territories. Oh wait. No, I’m not. Ha ha ha ha ha!  

George RRRRR Martin said that initially the plan had been to make a straight political drama called House of Thrones but ‘we decided I have a beard and so fantasy it is.’ Many are asking will women take their clothes off and give exposition whilst being taken from the rear. Fincher laughs, ‘Of course! If it’s artistically justi… Anyway, yes.’

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STOCKHOLM – Tomas Alfredson – the renowned director of such films as Let the Right One In and Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy – has vowed to remake all of David Fincher’s films in Swedish, starting with Fight Club, or Kampa Klubb as it will be called.

Alfredson – who had his own vampire film remade as a quite good American language version – said:

I consider Fincher and his ilk cultural imperialists of the worst kind. They come to our country and steal all our best ideas and then they swan around going “hey look at me! I’m a great original director!” Well, if I meet David, I shall say to him “how do you like those biscuits (meaning Kampa Klubb), you filthy fool?!” 


When I mentioned that Alfredson had himself made an English language film, the director just repeated my question in a high pitched ‘girly’ voice.

Kampa Klubb will be followed by Syv and Den Nyfiken Fall Av Benjamin Knapp in the next two years.


MALIBU – Famed pop music video director David Fincher has launched a Kickstarter campaign to buy himself a house in Malibu. 

“I have a house in Beverly Hills and a nice apartment on Central Park West in New York, but I’d like a house in Malibu” the Alien 3 director explained. “There’s one I have my eye on, but it’s 27 million dollars, which is quite a lot, so I thought I’d launch this campaign so everyone who wants to can contribute to buying me a mansion.”

But don’t you have enough money to just buy it yourself?

Oh hell yes, I’m stinking rich. But thing I’ve found is if I spend the money – like if I buy a house or a car – then that money is kind of gone. I can’t use it again. This way, if we raise enough money, I get the house and then I get to keep my money and use it for other shit.

Fincher’s career began when he shot a ground breaking video for Frankie Goes to Hollywood or someone, and went on to scale epic heights with such classics as Panic Room and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Having run out of ideas, Fincher now prefers to steal ideas from Scandinavian film makers, and spend his time laughing at the misfortunes of others.