HBO NEW SHOW JUST CALLED ‘ORGY’

NEW YORK – HBO have announced a new show simply titled Orgy.

Following the success of Game of Thrones and Westworld, HBO have announced a new show Orgy.

An insider from the studio told the Studio Exec:

The new show is simplicity itself. There’s fifty minutes of orgy every week. There’s not going to be a plot. Maybe five minutes. Characters I suppose but you know… It’s going to look amazing. And that’s it. We’re thinking of weaving in some other shows. We still have the sets and costumes from Vinyl. It was set in the 70s so that has a porny vibe. But that’s it.

Gaspar Noe is to direct the pilot episode and David Duchovny will star.

Orgy will show in early 2017.

DAVID DUCHOVNY: ‘THE X-FILES ARE MADE BY A SHADOWY CONSPIRACY’

HOLLYWOOD – David Duchovny today unveiled the disturbing truth about his new TV show The X-Files: it is produced by shadowy organisation that is possibly run by aliens.

David Duchovny today broke cover to reveal that his TV show The X-Files is actually produced by a shadowy organisation with their own agenda and who might not be off this Earth. He dropped by the Studio Exec underground garage in order to talk to us about his concerns:

It’s the strangest thing but ever sine I started doing the show I wondered whether the plot of the show wasn’t sometimes reflected in the very way it was made. Fox Mulder – the character I play – would along with Dana Scully (played by good friend Gillian Anderson) receive a clue that something strange was going on and over the course of an hour there would be revelations that hinted at some larger more powerful agenda. Well imagine my surprise when I realized that the name of the station that broadcasts the show is Fox, just like the first name of my character Fox Mulder. Coincidence? I thought so too but this was only the beginning.

Really?

Absolutely. Fox is short for Fox Broadcasting Company which itself is subsidiary of Fox Entertainment Group which is owned by 21st Century Fox, which also owns Endemol whose biggest hit was Big Brother. Big Brother was also the name that George Orwell gave to the system of mass suveillance perpetrated by the totalitarian regime of his dystopian novel 1984. You still thing this is all a coincidence?

I don’t believe it.

The whole kit and caboodle is owned by Rupert Murdoch a registered alien.

I thought he was Australian.

Wake up, Exec! Don’t you see what’s going on? Murdoch owns the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Harper Collins, he even owns National Geographic Magazine for crying out loud! He was involved in case of phone hacking in the UK where his newspapers were found to be lousey with the practice.

Normally I’d say you’re crazy but you talk with that weirdly convincing nasal drone.

I have adenoids! Murdoch is without doubt one of the most powerfull men on the planet. He has a mass media empire that is rumored to be worth trillions. He makes and breaks governments, Presidents and Prime Ministers. And I know for a fact that he is behind the X-Files. Especially the most recent episodes whcih have gone away from extra-terrestial explanations to a shadowy conspiracy of government agencies. This is none other than the same bilge he’s been shoveling in his Fox News Channel, designed to make us cynical and despairing and ready for the next populist who comes along with a half decent haircut and the ability to rant in a nasal drone.

Wait, you have a nasal drone!

That’s right buster. I’m the one. I’m the new overlord. I’m going to take over and then it’ll be red shoe diaries 24/7.

The new X-Files are on.

 

GILLIAN ANDERSON NOT ALLOWED TO TRAVEL WITH DAVID DUCHOVNY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news that Gillian Anderson was offered only half the pay of co-star for The X-Files reboot, it has emerged that she was also subject to a whole series of indignities.

A source close to the Chris Carter TV show The X-Files has EXCLUSIVELY told the Studio Exec that the different treatment of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny went further than pay differentials.

Almost every aspect of production was unfairly skewed against Gillian Anderson. When we were on location, a car would pick up Duchovny but Gillian Anderson was given a bicycle with The X-Files written on it. For lunch David Duchovny has lobster and his own Italian chef whereas Gillian got vouchers for the local Subway.

That’s disgusting.

I know and don’t even get me started about the drinking fountains.

Didn’t Duchovny say anything?

He was really upset when he heard about it and the next day Gillian got vouchers for Burger King.

The X-Files is currently being broadcast.

BEN CARSON TO GUEST HOST THE X-FILES

HOLLYWOOD – Following Donald Trump’s guest hosting stint on Saturday Night Live, rival presidential hopeful Ben Carson has announced he will be guest hosting a special edition of The X-Files.

Ben Carson will be guest hosting a special episode of The X-Files in direct response to Donald Trump’s hosting of SNL last weekend. Dr. Carson spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about his appearance which is due to air at the weekend:

It is going to be the best thing ever. I have always been a fan of The X-Files. It is one of the best documentary series on television and I’m very much looking forward to meeting Agents Scully and Mulder and discussing some of their most interesting discoveries.

I’m sorry Dr. Carson, did you say documentary? You know the X-Files is a fiction series with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson playing those roles.

Indeed I did say documentary and as for all that other stuff you said, it sounds like you’re just talking in tongues. Which can happen. Of course, I know that they have a certain license when it comes to some of their more elaborate re-enactments, but everything you see is essentially proven fact.

I see. What are you going to be doing on the show?

Well, the episode is really interesting. We will be looking for Egypt’s hidden grain. We know it was in the pyramids because that’s where Joseph in his wisdom put it. You can read that in the Bible. But where is it now? Did people eat it? Did they move it to the Eiffel Tower where it all fell out and then blew away in the French wind? Or – and this would be my pet theory – did aliens come down to Earth and steal it, using it as a form of bio-fuel in their flying saucer pots? Were these the same aliens that left us with Donald Trump and Tom Cruise to contend with? The truth is out there.

It sounds unlikely.

I’ve got a knife.

You win. 

I figured so.

The X-Files starring Ben Carson will be broadcast on Saturday on Fox.

 

BEN AFFLECK HAS FOUR FINGERS AND A THUMB

HOLLYWOOD – Photographic confirmation arrived today that the new Batman, Ben Affleck has four fingers and a thumb at the end of his left arm appendage.

Finally the mystery of what is on the end of Ben Affleck’s left wrist has been conclusively solved as British newspaper The Daily Mirror showed that he had the regular four fingers and a thumb. Although not the most attractive hand in the business – that belongs to David Duchovny – there are no irregular protrusions or weird bulbous effigies but rather a perfectly ordinary number of digits. Best friend Matt Damon instantly leapt to the defence of his best friend.

People have been going on for what seems like centuries about Ben’s hand ever since Pearl Harbor – and I mean the actual Japanese attack, not the movie – has he got a hand? What’s he hiding? It’s absolutely ridiculous. What with the divorce already weighing on his shoulders, you could at least let the man have the privacy of his own hands! Don’t you think?

However, other industry insiders were wondering why it took Affleck so long to reveal his hand. Willem Dafoe, a longstanding advocate for hands, said:

It doesn’t help when a star of Ben Affleck’s stature leaves his hand in his pocket all the time or puts it in some kind of glove. It makes it look like he has something to hide and simply encourages speculation.

Silence of the Lambs director, Jonathan Demme called for calm and understanding.

I mean this guy was fundamental in saving the world from that asteroid a few years ago. Something that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten. We should definitely cut him some slack. He’s got a hand. In our heart of hearts we all knew that he would have. And just because someone doesn’t go around waving it around like Duchovny doesn’t mean a thing.

Batman v Superman will be released in 2016.

DAVID DUCHOVNY BRINGS BACK RED SHOE DIARIES

HOLLYWOOD – First we hear The X-Files is coming back and now David Duchovny has revealed that popular nineties erotic anthology show The Red Shoe Diaries are also coming back.

Of course everyone is excited about the return of Twin Peaks and some even more so about the imminent revisiting by Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson) in “The X-Files”, but for some of us David Duchovny will always be the gate keeper to television erotica that was “The Red Shoe Diaries”. Running throughout the 90s and directed by Zalman King and Raphael Eisenman, the anthology show featured Duchovny in the role of Jack Winters, a man whose lover has committed suicide and who asks women to write in letters describing their knocking off experiences in a quest to understand the mystery that is woman.

The Californication star dropped by the Studio Exec hot tub to talk EXCLUSIVELY about what had got the creative juices flowing once more:

You know how it is, you get to a stage in your career and you simply don’t want new challenges. You want to go back to the old challenges and see if you can do them over and better. I was in Aquarius and that was quite good and Californication, but really I wanted to get back to the X-Files and once I was doing that I thought why don’t we do Jack Winters again. I’m really curious to find out, where is Jack today and what, in the age of internet pornography, is he doing with himself.

And what’s the answer?

He’s been spending a lot of time in his room and he’s lost weight! No, I’m only kidding you. The fact of the matter is the more we  allow a free run of our desires – 5 Shades of Grey etc. – the more mysterious the become and the more alienated we become from them. It’s the paradox of our time that we have all these freedoms and what do we fantasize about? Being tied up and told what to do. It’s as if capitalism had a direct through line to our id.

What everybody loved about the original – apart from the cinematography and music – were the high end cameos. Who have you got lined up for the new show?

Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain, Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis…

Wow!

…are just a few of the actresses who have turned us down. But I’m hoping to pull some strings and maybe we can persuade Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid to make an appearance. Steve Buscemi is definitely in for the pilot. Which ironically is going to be about a pilot! Ha!

The Red Show Diaries will be broadcast early next year.

TWIN PEAKS AND X-FILES TO MERGE

HOLLYWOOD – In a sensational decision Showtime and Fox have decided to merge the reboots of X-Files and Twin Peaks into one super show called Twin-Files: X Peaks.

Both X-Files and Twin Peaks had been announced for new seasons following a protracted hiatus for each. The decision was made shortly after midnight, the traditional time to make bad decisions. A spokesperson for Showtime spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

We’ve been thinking for a while why can’t we merge two shows in such a way as to create double the impact and these shows have large and committed fan bases who I feel will welcome the move. Plus many of these fans like both shows so they will be able to get their enjoyment in half the normal time which will leave them free for Role Playing Games and angry comment sections.

But how will you reconcile the different stories and themes?

Are they different? Really? In both shows, you have maverick FBI agents, so we’ll get Mulder (David Duchovny) and Skully (Gillian Anderson) and Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan). I mean Duchovny was in both shows so there’s a way in right there. In both shows, you have a paranormal element, be it UFOs or psychic visions. And in both shows you have a kind of kooky sense of humor which the guys from The Big Bang Theory are going to help us replicate. Also both shows were cancelled after they lost ratings and to some extent they lost their way.

Does the decision to merge the shows having anything to do with David Lynch dropping out of the project?

Absolutely, categorically yes. He left us with the scripts and he’ll be involved in some way, but he won’t be directing and we just thought without Lynch who is going to be watching? We got drunk after that and we were in the same cocktail bar as a load of Fox execs and they were bitching and moaning about Chris Carter, so we kind of began to put two and two together. We worked out that when it comes down to it, this isn’t about quality television or wonderful shows, or raping your memories, or a lack of originality, or beating dead horses, or a lack of orignality. No. It’s more about money. These two shows will be cheap to make and lots of people are going to tune in no matter what. So it’s a win-win.

Twin-Files: X Peaks will be broadcast in 2016.

ISIS WELCOME ZOOLANDER 2

MOSUL – Islamic terrorist group ISIS have welcomed the news that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are going to return for Zoolander 2.

The announcement of the Zoolander sequel came in the form of an appearance on the cat walk at Paris fashion week, when Stiller and Wilson in character as Hansel and Derek Zoolander had a walk off.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader and emir of ISIS, issued a statement on the internet within minutes of the confirmation that Zoolander 2 would begin filming soon.

We of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are overjoyed – God be praised – at the return of Derek Zoolander and Hansel and the comedy that makes us all laugh. We hope – God willing – that there will also be celebrity cameos, featuring David Duchovny Billy Zane or Winona Ryder, who is still hot. We also demand that the Will Ferrell’s villainous fashion designer Mugatu also returns. His improv is priceless.

Exactly what the connection is between ISIS’ declared ambition of creating a universal caliphate and the 2001 comedy film is unclear, but we spoke to Middle East expert Merton Paul to find out:

ISIS has gone through some radical changes in the last few months. The leadership is surprised at the amount of success it has had with its reach now spreading all around the Mediterranean and into central Africa. There is always the danger when a group like this has such success that it will splinter. Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time. All Jihadis love the original Zoolander. 98% of the population of the Arab world rate it as ‘way better than Meet the Parents’ in a recent poll. This will be used as a way of uniting what threatened to become a fragmented movement. For the leadership, Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time.

Zoolander 2 will be released in 2016.

 

DAVID DUCHOVNY GROWS FACE ON HIS ASS















HOLLYWOOD – Actor, humanitarian and NOT a Canadian David Duchovny spoke exclusively to The Studio Exec of his pain today in discovering that he had grown a man’s face exactly where his asshole should be.

The Californication and X Files star spoke about an ’18 month ordeal’, which has resulted in a limit to his sex life and an inability to sit down comfortably for more than fifteen minutes. 
“You can imagine how difficult it is to drive anywhere, let alone take a flight,” said Duchovny.

It started out like a mole, a little pimple really. Nothing more. But then as time went by it grew and grew and there were hairs and teeth, nose, chin, lips and it began to speak after a while.

What did it say?

Nothing worth listening to. Just endless complaints. “It’s dark. Scratch my nose! What the hell have you been eating?” That sort of thing. Late at night we’d have some long conversations, but even then I realised that my ass was trying subtly to undermine me.

How?

Just making comments. Criticisms. My ass is really passive aggressive. “Do what you like,” he’d say, but I knew what he meant. And then during sex – and I used to have a lot of sex – anyway during sex, he’d start shouting “Giddy up” and “Hi Ho Silver” or singing songs from Les Misérables.

Is there a cure?

No. It can be treated, but not cured. I don’t actually want to do anything. I am giving this interview today because I want to bring to people’s attention this problem. Over 534,00 men every year have a human face growing where their asshole should be. And that’s just in Los Angeles.

So what does the future hold?

Well, it turns out that my ass has a wonderful singing voice, so we’re currently recording and as we’re both huge fans of Nick Cave, we are going to be releasing a Nick Cave tribute album very soon.


David Duchovny’s ass’ debut album The Mercy Seat will be released next month on iTunes.