TERRENCE MALICK: ‘CRITICS, SHUT YOUR HOLES’

A new column by Tree of Life director, Terrence Malick begins with a reply to his critics. 

YO yo yo yo! Motherfckers, Lissen up. Terrence Malick in da Badlands. The Knight of Cups Baby! Tha’s Right. His true self. Gonna lay some goddam TRUTH on yo punk asses. So lissen and LEARN.

Some Bitches been goin round sayin I been doin too many voiceovers and not enough dialogue an’ shit. You goddam assholes better shut yo noise or I’m gonna kick yo sorry asses To the Wonder. You feel me motherfckers? Three Thin Red Lines be coming out three motherfcking bullet holes bro, you don’t stop yo bullshit.

And David Denby of The New Yorker gonna tell me To the Wonder is ‘trivial narcissism’? You lissen up Denby, I’ll introduce you to The New World, The New World of Pain motherfcker!

And Michael O’Sullivan at the Washington Post says the story ‘isn’t compelling’? I’ll compel him up the ass with a Goddam UZI!

And A.O. Scott of The New York Times says the film ‘paves the way to puzzlement, not awe’? Well, you lissen carefully now: you can just shut up. Yeah, I said it.

So pull up the Jagermeisters and sit yo asses down while I lay it out. I do my shit the way I do my shit cos of my keen perception of what Martin Heidegger called Dasein, being that knows it is being, and my hope is to escape that and somehow capture an opening to the actual being in a world of things and how that relates to an openness to God but not a doctrinal and narrow deity, but rather a God grasped in the magic of being and the brief moments – the magic hours – when the perception of this can be most readily achieved, even when it is at its most transitory, motherfckers.

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NEW YORK CRITICS AND LOS ANGELES CRITICS TO FIGHT OVER AWARDS

NEW YORK – David Denby has announced that the New York critics are going to fight the Los Angeles critics after their awards differed significantly. ‘There’s only one way to sort this out,’ the New Yorker critic said. ‘And that’s via some major head bashing in.’

The Los Angeles critics however are refusing to take the attack lying down. Justin Chang of Variety said:

The New York critics think they’re so high and mighty. They call themselves a Circle as if that even makes sense. Kubrick had them down pat when he filmed those scenes in Eyes Wide Shut. That’s exactly what they’re like. 

However, A. O. Scott replied:

We vote for a historically important film – Twelve Years a Slave – and they vote for a Toy Story spin off. I think you can tell which of us type our reviews and who scrawl them in crayon.

Both groups did agree nevertheless that the Boston Online Critic association ‘was just a bunch of bullshit.’ 

New York and Los Angeles Critics Rumble will be broadcast on HBO midweek.