CRONENBERG V CRONENBERG DEATHMATCH ON HBO MAX

MOVIE NEWS – A live televised Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will air on HBO Max this coming Fall. The father and son directors get all Oedipal as they decide once and for all which one wears the crown. The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will stream live on HBO Max in the USA. Amazon Prime will live stream the fight in all other territories.

Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch : The Background

Senior Cronenberg David, had moved away from his staple diet of body horror based movies in recent years. The Canadian auteur had recently made a slew of critically acclaimed films dealing with hard hitting topics outside of the horror genre. With films such as A History Of Violence, Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method, he explored the darker side of human nature while staying away from his horror roots. He also explored Viggo Mortensen with his old fella out a fair amount.

Long Live The New Flesh

But that all changed when David’s son, Brandon scored a critical success with his film Viral. The film dealt with issues such as celebrity culture and corporate conspiracies. It used the old family tradition of body horror to do so with great effect. Suddenly David was not the only celebrated film maker at the Cronenberg table. It wasn’t just him boring everyone shitless at Christmas about ‘body horror this’ or ‘existential paranoia that’. There was a new voice at the other end of the table, beyond the cranberry sauce and Brussel sprouts. A younger voice saying ‘celebrity virus this’, and ‘intrusive technology’ that. The times were indeed a changin’.

I’m Getting Better

David took the challenge to his crown well at first. Publicly, at least. But with the release of last year’s Possessor, Brandon came of Cronenberg age. And his father’s ego did not take well to this young upstart stealing the plaudits. Comments were made in various interviews by both parties and things soon spiraled out of control. It was obvious there was only one way to solve this.

Like Flies Around Shit

As soon as it became clear a Deathmatch was the only way to resolve the family feud, HBO came knocking. They offered to fund and televise the Cronenberg Deathmatch. The winner (and survivor) will be heralded as the head of the Cronenberg film family. The loser will spend their time dragging around whatever bits of metal and machinery they become fused with during the fight. They will question their existence, their place in the world and if there ever really was a physical world before the fusion of flesh and machine. They’ll also receive a runners up medal and HBO gift bag.

The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch Airs On HBO Max and Amazon Prime This Fall.

DAVID CRONENBERG’S GUIDE TO GREAT DIRECTORS

David Cronenberg



MONTREAL – Hi! David Cronenberg here. He of The Fly fame and Videodrome and more recently A Dangerous Method. Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. 
People often ask me – aside from you – who are the really great directors? To which my answer is always the same: ‘Aside from me?’
Ha ha!
No but seriously … Here is my Guide to the Great Directors:


Frank Coraci: Now Frank’s a great guy, he wears good hats, his facial hair is neat and he knows how to shoot a genre film unlike that fat asshole Stanley Kubrick.  You want a good payback on your initial investment and not too much of the thinking stuff Frank’s your guy. For the uninitiated start with Around the World in 80 Days and then move up to the darker material Here Comes the Boom which was shamefully robbed of Oscar glory. 

Paul Thomas Anderson: Now I know what you’re thinking. The Master was complete nut sack! Yes, it was, but you’re actually making a mistake. That was Paul W.S. Anderson. PTA – as he’s known to his closest buddies – is the genius behind the Alien Vs Predator. A combo which proved better than the originals, both of which were rubbish. 

Brett Ratner: People say what was the best trilogy ever made? Perhaps Krystof Kielowski’s Three Colors Trilogy; perhaps The Godfather or even the original Star Wars. NO NO NO NO NO!!! The Rush Hour trilogy towers above all those films like Tower Heist. A Fellini-esque romp through the buddy genre starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. Now there’s talent and fun!

Dennis Dugan: If there is one director who can challenge the behemoth that is Frank Coraci for sheer talent, it has to be the master of comedy Dennis Dugan. Just to watch him working on the set of Happy Gilmore or Big Daddy was enough to convince me I was in the presence of genius.  The way he said ‘Yes, Adam whatever you say’ was masterful. Students of film should start with Grown Ups and only later move on to Grown Ups 2

SAMUEL L. JACKSON TO STAR IN CRONENBERG’S ‘SUPER FLY’











HOLLYWOOD – Actor and all round loveable guy Samuel L. Jackson, has signed up to take the lead role in David Cronenberg’s movie mash-up Super Fly.

Set between the events of The Fly (1988) and The Fly II (1989). Jackson will play the character of Luscious Jones. A pimp and coke dealer who stumbles upon the teleportation equipment abandoned by Dr Seth Brundle after his unfortunate demise. In a drug fuelled haze Jones decides to turn on the machine which results in his DNA becoming spliced with that of a common house fly.

Back on the street and feeling the heat. Luscious runs into his old foe Pepper Joe. A rival pimp who wants in on his action. They fight, Pepper wins and Joe ends up in traction. In the hospital bed he’s out cold for a week. He wakes up and say’s “Doc. Just how long did I sleep?”. The doctor say’s “Lush. You was seven days gone. Your arm is all broke and your back is all wrong. But that ain’t it all and I don’t want to lie. Your heads been replaced by the head of a fly!”

Jones looks at himself. He’s a vain kinda guy. Then he shrugs and say’s “ F*ck. I’m a good looking fly”. Then he puts on his suit and he loads up his piece. “Tell my bitches i’m coming. They shall be released!”

With a soundtrack featuring the likes of James Brown, Curtis Mayfield and One Direction. Super Fly has all the makings of being the retro sci-fi horror blaxplotation film we have all been waiting for.

Super Fly is due for release in 2013.

THE HOBBIT’S 48 FPS CAUSES PREGNANCY

Hobbit Caesarian 










WELLINGTON – It was revealed today that the frame per second rate of the new Peter Jackson film The Hobbit: an Overly Hyped Journey can cause pregnancy in women aged 17-56.
The revelation came after initial speculation that it was responsible for several cases of vomiting. The vomiting it turned out was actually morning sickness and now over fifty cases of quasi-immaculate conceptions have been reported from the Wellington premier alone.
Peter Jackson was quick to dismiss the report:

Look we didn’t kill any animals (except the ones we did) and we didn’t get anyone pregnant with the new 48 fps. That’s utterly ridiculous. I don’t even understand how that can work, biologically. All 48 fps does is give a much clearer, more vibrant image.  

possible demon army

However, Dr. Wilfmore of the Cinematic Health Institute argues that entry to the film should be restricted to adolescent boys as a safety precaution:

We simply don’t know what is going to popping out of the uteruses of those women already effected and until we do, we would be better to be very cautious. I personally believe something Andy Serkis-like is probably in there. Or perhaps a small demonic army like in The Brood that Cronenberg film. 

DANGEROUS METHOD 2: SOMETIMES A CIGAR IS A COCK



MONTREAL – Ever since David Cronenberg’s psycho-analytic comedy A Dangerous Method burst onto the screen to the joy and jubilation of cinema-goers the world over, the question has not been will there be a sequel, but when will there be a sequel? The answer came today: March 14th 2013.

‘The idea for the first film had really been inspired by the Carry On comedies of Great Britain,’ the Canadian Cosmopolis spluttered. ‘We were all getting a bit bored with the script and then Keira said to Michael “why don’t you give me a jolly good spanking?” and he did and I shouted, “Cut! Print it” and we were off!’

Carl and Sigmund are back in the saddle for another romp. This time the psychiatric prats go on holiday to Torremolinos in Spain to take a rest from all their analyzing only to find that they’ve booked into a hotel that is hosting the Annual European Nymphomaniac Conference. High jinks ensue and Michael Fassbender has revealed that there will be more spanking. 
Viggo Mortensen (who has recently become the King of New Zealand CLICK HERE) said, ‘It’s a right old lump of stupids. But it’s fun and for the intellectuals in the audience, there’ll be tits galore!’

A Dangerous Method 2: Sometimes a Cigar is Just a Cock is due for release March 14th, 2013.