Tag: david cameron

QUEEN RESIGNS FOLLOWING BREXIT

LONDON – The monarch of the Uited Kingdom Queen Elizabeth II has resigned following the Brexit vote.

The Queen’s resignation – or abdication as she prefers to call it – came in the wake of what has been a shocking ten days following the referendum vote that saw a slim majority opt to leave the European Union.

Prime Minister David Cameron, Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage of UKIP and Chris Evans of Top Gear have all stepped down from their positions of power, citing incapacity, unpopularity, cowardliness or stupidity for their various reasons. Buckingham Palace issued a short statement to the BBC with the news of the departure of the aging monarch:

The Queen has decided to step down following the vote to leave the European Union. She feels that Britain is no longer the place for her family (who are German) or her husband (who is Greek). They will be enjoying their retirement in Spain, alongside the one million British citizens who also reside there.

The comedy Brexit continues next week.

GAME OF THRONES WRITERS FLOWN TO UK TO REWRITE REFERENDUM

LONDON – The team that brought you Game of Thrones are being flown into Great Britain in an attempt to rewrite the EU referendum as the country slides into chaos.

Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are flying to the UK by the British Government in a last ditch effort to rewrite the last five days of UK storyline. David Cameron announced the decision this morning, having watched the last episode of Season 6 of Game of Thrones.

I got the idea after having watched the episode and thinking how good it was to see Jon Snow alive again. In fact, the boys have done a magnificent job of putting their heroes in some terrible predicaments and then at the last minute getting them out of their scrapes. I don’t know what they will suggest: it could be a red wedding or the birth of dragons, but frankly anything is better than letting the Tory Hordor, Boris Johnson loose.

The move was welcomed by many in the country who have come to regret their voting to leave the EU and many in Europe have called on Brussels to slow the process while it is seen what the Game of Thrones writers come up with. Leader of UKIP Nigel Farage said that the move was without precedent and unpatriotic. He, however, did say that he would support a move to get George RR Martin involved:

He would come up with a plot where all your favorite people are killed and as I’m not anyone’s favorite, I think I’d be pretty safe.

However, it was revealed that George RR Martin was already in London writing the script for the Labour Party.

More news as it comes in.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT AMERICAN IDOL

HOLLYWOOD – As the talent show that changed popular culture, American Idol is coming to a close, but what do we really know about Simon Fuller’s monstrous creation?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to sing their hearts out and break down and weep about overcoming personal issues just before Simon Cowell smashes them in the face with his trademark pantomime ire.

1. American Idol corrupted popular music, destroyed singing and turned everything into a tawdry tear drenched soap opera full of complete and utter bullshit.

2. Simon Cowell modelled his career on Herman Goebbels, whereas Paula Abdul preferred Eva Peron. Ryan Seacrest once touched a kitten inappropriately and Jennifer Lopez has one ear slightly higher than the other. The judges were originally intended to be similar to the Judges of Mega City One, the most famous of which was Judge Dredd, but the plan was dropped after terms could not be reached with Clint Eastwood. Simon Cowell spends many hours in his bedroom weeping inconsolably and no one – not even he – knows why.

3. All the winners have signed a contract in which they have to yearly give all their blood to a secret organisation which goes by the name of Nasterfarians. This blood is used in ceremonies or as a condiment. The United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron is the current Grand Wizard of the Nasterfarians. As a registered charity, it pays no taxes.

4. Anyone who fails to make it to the next round is taken to a large empty space behind the studio where they are shot and their bodies left in a large – and as time goes on – increasingly smelly pile.

5. The winner of the final season will automatically qualify to sit on the Supreme Court following a historic deal between the Democrats and the GOP.

For more FACTS click HERE.

DAVID CAMERON TO STAR IN BABE REMAKE

LONDON – British Prime Minister revealed today that he is lined up to star in a remake of children’s classic Babe.

The new film will feature David Cameron in the role of the farmer, he looks after the eponymous pig and learns gradually to love the pig, to really care for it and love, to love it long time. Oh Yeah!

The news came only hours after revelations that the British PM had had intimate relations with a farmyard animal of the porcine kind. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, a source close to the Prime Minister said:

The news is wonderful. I think the Prime Minister is relieved that it’s all out in the open and he can finally live the lie of bestiality that he always longed for. The film will go a long way towards changing attitudes and he sees this as a two pronged strategy that will also involve legislation de-criminalizing sex acts with animals. It is a first for Britain.

Meanwhile Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn proved himself unelectable by not singing a song to an invisible man in the sky about helping out the little old lady in the spangly hat.

Babe will be released in 2016.

ISLAMIC STATE TERRIFIED OF AN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

MOSUL – It was revealed today that the terrorist group Islamic State are terrified at the prospect there might be an Ice Bucket Challenge launched against them.

The radical Sunni Islamic sect Islamic State (aka IS, ISIS and ‘the greatest existential threat we’ve ever faced since that asteroid Bruce Willis gave his life destroying’, British PM David Cameron), it has emerged, is absolutely terrified of the Ice Bucket Challenge. The Ice Bucket Challenge was launched in 2014 and effectively ended amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (aka Lou Gherig disease) within weeks of Steven Spielberg and assorted celebrities tipping water over themselves and challenging others to do the same. Now it is rumored that the force of the IBC is to be unleashed on the brutal terrorist group Islamic State, who now quiver with fear at the prospect of internet celebrity splashing.

The Studio Exec’s Middle East expert John Milius had this to say:

The threat of the Ice Bucket Challenge is two fold. First of all there is the huge weight of public opinion thrust against them. Essentially the Ice Bucket Challenge is the Fatwah of the Western World when it comes to this kind of shit. The second is that they will be nominated to actually do the Ice Bucket Challenge. These are hardened Jihadists, but they really hate the feeling of being doused in ice water. It’s why they live in Syria and Iraq to start with, and not Norway.

The chances of an Ice Bucket Challenge being launched in the next 32 minutes is currently 45%.

RIOT CLUB BASED ON SCHOOL DAYS OF BRITISH PRIME MINISTER

LONDON – David Cameron – the British Prime Minister – is the subject of a new film called The Riot Club, which shows a university club of rich Brits smashing up restaurants ‘for a lark’.

Based on the West End play Posh, the film – directed by An Education director, Lone Sherfig – tells the story of the young David Cameron (Prime Minister), Boris Johnson (Mayor of London) and George Osborne (Chancellor of the Exchequer) and the nights of fun they had at Oxford University where they belonged to the Bullingdon Club. As members, Cameron and chums regularly smashed up restaurants, kicked children and performed ritual swan murders which were then investigated by the famed Inspector Morse.

Today the Bullingdon Club is alive and well. In order to enter, initiates need to burn a fifty pound note in front of a beggar and destroy the dreams of an adolescent.

Responding to questions in Parliament about the film, Mr. Cameron said he had nothing to be ashamed of:

As a matter of fact, I wish I had killed more swans, because I hate the purity they represent almost as much as I hate people who have to work for a living. They are, I honestly believe, scum.

The Riot Club is on general release.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER TO MARRY BRITISH PRIME MINISTER

LONDON – Helena Bonham Carter – daughter of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer and star of the bad Planet of the Apes – is to marry British Prime Minister, David Cameron.

The news came in an interview with the British tabloid newspaper The Guardian. ‘I love David Cameron,’ the actress told the interviewer. 

He’s witty and very clever and oh, just dreamy with his big potato-y head. He looks like Buzz Lightyear!

When reminded that not only was David Cameron already married, but Bonham Carter herself was as well, she acted not for the first time indifferent(ly).

I don’t care. I’m going to ditch Timmy [Burton] like a Nazi boyfriend at a bar mitzvah and Dave will leave ‘that bitch’. And we’re just going to stay in all day, probably having nooky. He can tell all his mates in the government: ‘You look after shafting the poor and protecting the rich for a few months, I’ve got some hot totty that needs heaps of Dave love.’ And they’ll say, ‘Yeah’.   

Reaction from Downing Street came shortly after the publication of the interview. A short note addressed ‘from the Office of the Prime Minister David Cameron stated briefly:

Ms. Bonham Carter is a respected actress of the highest calibre but marriage is utterly out of the question as the Prime Minister is already happily married. However, if Ms. Bonham Carter would like a snog the Prime Minister will be happy to oblige as long as no one tells his wife.

Helena Bonham Carter will next be seen in Tim Burton’s next film The Premature Burial.