5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

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REVIEW – GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

REVIEW – GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 – Parks and Recreations goes interstellar.

I enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It’s funny. Light. It’s like an episode of a real good comedy. One where the story doesn’t really matter that much. It tried to get a bit mushy at the end, but I don’t know what that was all about. Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell and David Hasselfoff are in it. So is Michael ‘Henry the Portrait of a Serial Killer’ Rooker and in one scene he reprises his early role.

Star Lord (Chris Pratt) returns with his pals Gamora, played by Zoe Saldana, Drax, played by Dave Bautista. Bradley Cooper voices Rocket. The latter get all the others into trouble for some mysterious reason called ‘plot’. Somewhere along the line Chris Pratt’s dad turns up and when we find out he lives on a planet called Ego we know things aren’t going to go smoothly.

We also have Baby Groot (Vin Diesel) who we’re supposed to adore. And for the most part we did, though it would have been better if he died in ever film like South Park: ‘Oh my God! They killed Groot!’

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KICKBOXER REMAKE SIGNS SOLANGE

NEW YORK – The Kickboxer remake – starring Dave Bautista and Alain Moussi – has found a co-star in Jay-Z wooper Solange Knowles.

The late addition came as no surprise as the world reeled from the elevator footage from New York where she showed off her skills with several well placed Nut Busters and some hearty dialogue to boot. Director Stephen Fung said they were delighted to have the singer join the team.

We’re delighted to have her. It’ll be like Kylie Minogue in Street Fighter, though, you know, probably better.

Have you had to change the story to accommodate your new star?

A little. We are obviously going to have an elevator scene. I mean, that’s just a given right?

The original 1989 film, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, was a massive hit and everyone has been shouting and screaming for literally twenty five years for a remake starring some wrestlers and a feisty singer.

Kickboxer will be released in 2016.