HOLLYWOOD – The new Star Wars anthology film Rogue One released a trailer, but fans were shocked that there was no appearance of Darth Vader.
The release of Star Wars: Rogue One in December is possibly the most widely anticipated movie of the Winter. And the release of a new trailer was greeted at first with excitement and anticipation. The Studio Exec sat down in front of the computer to scrutinize the new trailer and was left aghast:
There’s no Darth Vader, no Death Star, no Stormtroopers, no one mentions the Force or talks about the rebellion. It’s a complete failure. It’s just the guy from Whiplash, boxing and pretending to be Hilary Swank from Million Dollar Baby. It’s a complete joke. Gareth Edwards has totally dropped the ball on this one. It’s bullshit.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story will be released in December.
HOLLYWOOD – Following the trailer from Rogue One what do we know so far about the new Star Wars story?
We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad deep into the forest planet of Endor to bring us their best Rogue One FACTS. Many Bothans died to bring us this information.
1 It seems to have something to do with Star Wars, but there’s still no sign of Captain Kirk.
2 There’s a girl in it. Yeah. A. Girl!
3 Darth Vader will appear in the new film but will perhaps be turned to the good side of the Force before quickly switching back to the dark side right at the end.
4 Ben Mendelson is cast against type playing the honorable and heroic…. nah we’re shitting you. He’s a villain again.
5 Forest Whitaker needs a lozenge.
HOLLYWOOD – In our review of The Imitation Game we already pointed out some of the worst historical inaccuracies in the Oscar nominated film, but here for the joy of pedants are 5 more.
1. The machine that Alan Turing invents was not called Christopher, but the Bombe. This name stood for Bloody Outstanding Maths Based Egg-wonk.
2. Admiral Dennison played by Charles Dance is seen throughout the film as an antagonist to the Maths genius, trying to obstruct Turing’s work whereas in fact he was an avuncular figure full of warmth and encouragement, as this letter from Turing proves: ‘Dear old Denners surprised everyone with a box of chocolates each, Monday last, Wednesday it was a tea-cosy he’d knitted himself and on the weekend everyone was invited round to the big house for hot soapy limb rubs. Talk about above and beyond the call of duty!’
3. Alan Turing is seen in the film running, whereas running was actually invented in 1972, long after the events that the film portrays.
4. The character played by Keira Knightley – Joan Clarke – actually had a very deep voice and was plagued her whole life by a noisy asthmatic breathing condition. Following the war, she never saw Turing again and instead pursued a career as a voice artist and in 1976 provided the much loved voice for Darth Vader in George Lucas’ ‘Star Wars’ film.
5. There is much controversy behind the flat statement that Alan Turing committed suicide which ends the film. Some believe that this was indeed the case, but there are other theories that the poisoning might have been accidental and resulted from fumes rather than the ingestion of a cyanide laced apple. Others believe that Turing might have been murdered by the British Secret Service after he threatened to reveal that Elisabeth II was actually a robot he had invented and built during the war called E.T.H.E.L.
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HOLLYWOOD – The bear who stars in the new movie Padington was dubbed by English actor Ben Wishaw, The Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal.
The news came as a shock to the British films millions of young fans.
‘It’s complete ruddy bullsh*t,’ said Carl (11).
I paid good money to watch Paddington and although I had lots of fun watching his pleasant buffonry and japes, as well as scoffing some top tucker and swilling it down with lashings of ginger beer, I was devilishly put out to discover that there was some actor johnny doing all his lines. Zooks! Let the bear speak, for the love of God’s green earth.
The film’s director, Paul King rushed to explain:
We did try with Paddington’s own voice but unfortunately being from Peru he had a very strong Peruvian accent and his English left a lot to be desired. First of all Colin Firth agreed to do it, but after half a day he threw a wobbly about there being too many green M&Ms in his M&Ms jar and walked off. We had to get Q (Ben Wishaw) from the James Bond films to come in and dub over the bear’s lines.
Although rare and consider dishonest, this is not the first time an actors lines have been overdubbed by people other than themselves. Humphrey Bogart in Beat the Devil was dubbed by Peter Sellers; Darth Vader’s voice was replaced by George Lucas and Caesar in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was dubbed by Antonio Banderas.
Paddington is on current release.
HOLLYWOOD – Yet more scorching rumors from the Star Wars standalone dream factory.
Christopher Nolan has confirmed he is working with his brother Jonathan on The Darth Knight which he describes as a “Potentially cataclysmic collision between the Batman and Star Wars Universes”.
“We just don’t know what will happen,” said a worried Nolan.
The fear is that if these two universes collide they will create a black hole and all matter will be sucked in, destroying the planet and reality as we know it. On the other hand the potential is there to make several billion dollars so the physicists at CERN are currently using the Hadron Collider to simulate the event. If they come back and say there is no risk of us causing the apocalypse we’ll start pre-production next year. If they say there is a risk, well, chances are the studio will just hire some different scientists to tell them what they want to hear. But hey, that’s showbiz baby!
We asked Nolan if The Darth Knight script was ready to go.
It’s not complete but we’ve got an outline . Basically with Batman retired Gotham is left without a hero. Darth Vader’s Tie-Fighter crash lands into Wayne manor, he finds the cave and decides to use his equipment to take over Gotham but when the Joker is released from Arkham and inadvertently kills the waitress Darth has the hots for; he decides to become Gotham’s saviour and it all ends with an epic lightsaber battle between Vader and The Joker.
Well there you have it. Two epic sagas in one so prepare yourselves for the avalanche of frothing fan boys soiling their boxer shorts and muddying the message boards.
The Darth Knight will be released in 2015.