CHRISTOPHER NOLAN: “WARNER BROTHERS CAN SUCK MY INTERSTELLAR BALLS!”

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Nolan unleashes on Warner Brothers following release changes.

Memento director Christopher Nolan today spoke for the first time about Warner Brothers and its 2021 release strategy. Arriving at the Studio Exec bungalow, Nolan was out of breath and emotional (we’re being polite: he was drunk). No sooner had he walked in – first backwards and then the right way as is his custom – he began a rant:

So, have you heard? Warner Brothers are dumping their entire 2021 slate on HBO Max.

Yes, we heard. 

It’s an absolute shit show in the fuck factory, if you get my meaning. I mean what the fuck is HBO Max anyway. Is it like a new form of Pepsi? Fucked if I know. They hate the poor cinema owners. Hate them. As it is they screw them out of all the money they can. You know why cinema owners sell you such garbage food, it’s because they can’t make any money on the tickets because the studios claw so much back. I’m not going to fucking stand for it. Those penny pushers and knob biscuits down at Warner will feel my slightly fey wrath.

You’re going to protest?

You betcha Exec. Right after this. I’m on my way now to see Mickey and Spike.

Who are Mickey and Spike?

Mickey and Spike Warner. The Warner Brothers you dolt!

Right. Yeah. Mickey and er…

And I’m going to tell them to suck my Interstellar balls. That’s it I’m through with them. Already they fucked up Tenet with their stupid suggestion of releasing it in Imax. I wanted everyone to watch it on their phones but oh no Spike was like … let’s get people back in the theaters. What an anal wart Spike is!

I thought you were a true believer in the cinema experience.

I am for some films. Dunkirk has to be the biggest screen, the same with Interstellar but Tenet looks amazing on an iPhone. And you can hear the dialogue better through airpods. Warners have always acted a bit cunty. Now I guess I’ll have to take my gig over the road to another studio. Perhaps Sammy Paramount might want to hook up, or Dorothy T. Universal has been after my peachy hieny for some time now. Fuck me, I’m arseholed. I think I’m going to be…

And with that the director of The Prestige lurched from the room, reeling.

Jenga The Movie is coming soon.

MATT DAMON IS ROBIN

HOLLYWOOD – Once the news had come through that Ben Affleck was to play the caped crusader, the Dark Knight, the …  erm Batman, then it was a no brainer who would play his ward and sidekick, Robin: Matt Damon. And so it proved.

Continue reading “MATT DAMON IS ROBIN”

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN DIRECTS THE WOMBLES MOVIE

LONDON – Fresh from the success of  Interstellar, Christopher Nolan is to write and direct The Wombles: Wombling into Darkness.

Based on a BBC children’s program from the 1970s, the film tells the story of a group of creatures known as the Wombles, who live in burrows under Wimbledon Common and collect the litter left by humans, recycling it for their own use. Casting is already well under way for this live action version, with Michael Caine to play Great Uncle Bulgaria, Christian Bale in the role of the engineer Tobermory and Gary Oldman will play the sleepy shirker Orinoco. The plot so far is very sketchy although Nolan has promised that the film will include a different take on the origin story of the Wombles and will be much grittier and more realistic.

Nolan told Studio Exec:

Caine
The Wombles are of our age, being the precursors to the Green movement. However, the environmental disasters we face – extreme weather, the melting of the ice caps, the iniquity of huge corporations – means that their solutions are basically inadequate. In the face of these pressures, Orinoco has become a drug addict and Great Uncle Bulgaria is beginning to use methods which have some similarities to the moral quandaries of the NSA.
Uncle Bulgaria

Eva Green is also in talks to play Miss Adelaide, the love interest. Although there is no confirmation as to who will direct the film, Zach Snyder is the current favourite. 

‘He does have the kind of restraint this piece needs,’ said an obviously confused Nolan.

The Wombles: Womble into Darkness is due to start filming in 2015.

  

WOODY ALLEN SIGNS ON FOR NEW BATMAN

NEW YORK – With the dust finally settling on what looks like one of the most successful trilogies both critically and commercially since Toy Story, and Christopher Nolan swearing that he will not be return to helm another outing for the man in the bat suit, Warner Bros. have already decided on a new director to take on the franchise in a fresh reboot tentatively titled The Amazing Batman: Woody Allen. 

Gotham’s most famous humorist and diminutive bespectacled comedian Woody Allen has signed on to direct two instalments.

‘I wanted to do something new and I was getting heartily sick of Europe,’ the Annie Hall director confessed.  ‘I’ve had the  Batman script in the drawer for years and this will be my opportunity to dust it off.’

Attracted principally by what Allen calls ‘the deep psychological neuroses of the character’, the prolific writer / director waved off concerns that he was unused to dealing with action. ‘I can do all that,’ Allen smirked. ‘Oh there’ll be action all right.’

The studio had originally offered famed Austrian director Michael Haneke the job, but he turned it down saying he wanted to work on darker material. Although at first glance, Woody might not seem the first name that would come to mind, he makes films cheaply and quickly and knows the neighbourhood. Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Allen will himself appear in the film as The Riddler. Although Batman himself is yet to be cast, Allen hinted that he had a few names in mind – Roberto Benigni, Alan Alda and Scarlet Johansson have all been mentioned – but as yet nothing is decided. 

Batman Gotham Barcelona will be released in 2017.