BREAKING NEWS – The Marvel Hawkeye series storyline has been leaked online. Starting at the end of the Korean War, the Marvel Hawkeye series storyline will follow the title character after he leaves his MASH Unit.

Marvel At Hawkeye and Corporal Klinger


Following Hawkeye after he leaves the Army and his MASH Unit behind, he travels to Seoul with Corporal Klinger and his wife. While in Seoul, Benjamin Hawkeye takes up archery and discovers his natural talent for the sport. Soon, he’s representing the USA in Archery at the Olympics, winning silver and missing out on gold to Bullseye (Colin Farrell).


SHIELD On The Radar


In the second episode, Hawkeye is recruited into SHIELD by his old Army buddy, Radar. Radar now works for SHIELD in communications and soon the two are battling against their nemesis, Major Margaret ‘Hotlips’ Houlihan. Elliot Gould turns up in a cameo role but leaves quickly when he realizes this is the TV MASH and not the movie.


Non-Stop Court Action


In the third episode, the estate of the late Robert Altman takes the makers of Hawkeye to court. It’s because they’re not seeing a penny from the characters that first appeared in Altman’s movie. The majority of the episode will be a ranting monologue from Altman’s lawyer about ‘those bastards at Fox’ and then ‘those corporate fuckers at Disney’.


Post Endgame


The show then jumps forward to the events immediately after Endgame. There we find Hawkeye at a crossroads in his life. He takes semi-retirement where he spends the rest of his days appearing in the occasional Neil Simon film adaptation and Woody Allen film. The Woody Allen films are all before that ‘you know’… business came out in the news. But let’s not get into that right now. That’s a whole other can of worms.


Hawkeye Premiers Soon On Disney+


HOLLYWOOD – Marvel have just announced that Mike Colter is to play Nic Cage in their upcoming Netflix series Nic Cage: Actor for Hire.

We auditioned some great actors but as soon as Mike walked in the room, we knew we had our Nic Cage,“ said Marvel President Kevin Feige.

The show is based around the last decade in Nic Cage’s career, a period in which he inexplicably turns up in every piece of crap dredged from the Hollywood studio sewers.

“It’s a remarkable story,” said Feige:

Here’s an actor, an Oscar-winner, no less, who got into a little trouble with the IRS and decided to accept any role that came his way. I mean we’re talking the kind of scripts that Bruce Willis passes on and these days if you give Bruce a million dollars and a trailer with a working toilet he’d sign up for a musical version of Schindler’s List.

Asked why he never considered Nic Cage to play himself in the new show, Feige squirmed:

Well, we seriously considered Nic but it never worked out. He wanted a lot of money up front and twenty silk capes that had to be handmade by some Chinese hermit who lives up a pillar in the middle of Gobi desert. I mean sure, if it was Daniel Day-Lewis we’d have given the Chinaman fifty thousand dollars and all the KFC buckets he could eat but we wasn’t going to put ourselves out for Nic Cage. The guy advertises for work on f*cking Craigslist for Christ sake.

Nic Cage: Actor for Hire is due for release in 2016


 HOLLYWOOD – News just in that Christian Bale, who turned down an opportunity to reappear in the role of Batman, has opted to take on another superhero role instead: Daredevil.